It’s a Christmas one sorry! AIBU not inviting my in-laws to spend it with my family?

[OtterlyMad]

Apologies I know Christmas is still bloody ages away but our parents start asking for our Christmas plans as soon as we make it past Easter (!) so we’re under pressure to let them know. I’ll try to keep it brief.

DH has a very small family: his mum and sister (both single and live alone on the opposite side of the country to us) plus a handful of extended family they only see at weddings and funerals.

By comparison, my family is big. It’s normal to be 12+ people for Christmas dinner. My siblings and I have small houses so my mum hosts every year (she has a 4-bed semi so not a mansion by any means) and she never complains but I feel guilty and wish we could host to take the pressure off her. Sadly it’s just not feasible until we upsize which won’t happen for another couple of years yet.

For the first few years of our relationship, DH and I always celebrated Christmas apart, with our respective families. Since we got married we’ve alternated which side we spend it with. This year it’s my family’s turn. But DH always feels bad whenever we don’t see his mum and sister since it’s just the two of them. This year, he suggested that we invite them to spend Christmas with my lot (obviously we would have to ask my mum first but I know she would agree because that’s the sort of person she is). However, I think it’s unfair to place any extra burden on my mum. DH says “it’s only two more people” but that’s on top of a dozen already. Plus my family are used to it being a tight squeeze - some of us end up sitting on the floor, and it’s all elbows at the dinner table - but we muddle through and have a laugh. Frankly I can’t imagine my quiet, reserved in-laws enjoying the ruckus and I wouldn’t be able to relax because I’d be worried the whole time that they were judging my very forward, loud and (probably) drunk family members!

I told DH no and we argued about it. He has accused me of disliking his family (not true), of being selfish (because his mum and sister have to spend the day “on their own” though I’ve pointed out they’re not on their own if they’re together!!) and “gatekeeping my family” (whatever that means). Am I being unreasonable by refusing to invite them?? I just want to continue with the current arrangement where we alternate each year.

P.S. In case anyone is wondering why we can’t split it (e.g. Christmas Day with one side and Boxing Day with the other) DH’s mum and sister live a 6hr+ drive away so it has to be all or nothing really.

@Lotsofsnacks

"as 2 more guests won’t matter"

it does though, because it's the attendant personalities, dynamic change etc...

They're not just 2 inanimate objects being parachuted into an intimate christmas celebration.

I think your dh really wants to be with his mother and sister this year for whatever reasons, can you compromise with having them come to stay with you or you go to them, for a celebration on the 26 or 27th?

I don't think you are being unreasonable - and I'm speaking as someone who has no family in the UK. Out of the last 20 Christmases, I've spent 13 of them totally on my own (partner works in healthcare management and support staff just not turning up for shifts over Christmas/New Year is endemic...he has no choice but to cover if necessary).

It's also not your invitation to extend - that's up to your mother. If she's not done it so far, I would take it that she doesn't want to. I once had a friend invite me along to her family's meal out on Christmas Day, it was her father that was the host...and she didn't clear it with him beforehand. It was the most awkward and uncomfortable hour and a half I've ever spent, the rest of her siblings and grandparents were NOT happy at this stranger gatecrashing their Christmas (as they saw it) and I vowed never to do it again. That was 25 years ago, and I always politely decline any such invites - or even lie and say I've got alternative plans.

Just say to him next year when it’s your parents turn I assume your mum and sister will be happy to host all my family so they won’t be alone

Yep, good point. Her mother is aware of the situation, if she wants to invite them, she will. Asking her is putting her on the spot and would be very bad manners tbh.

I'm very sorry your friend's family behaved like that. It was not your doing and they should have been gracious to you :(

Thank you @Juststop2025 ... my friend meant well, she honestly didn't think her family would have a problem with it, but we were both young (early 20s) and both didn't realise how strongly some families feel about their Christmas traditions...

I said invite them once this year and try it. But Christmas is about including people that are on their own and they are OPs family too, as she’s married to their son/brother. I know a few people who invite random pockets of family/friends round at Xmas, who don’t really have anything in common apart from the host, and that has gone well.

But for all OP knows, is that DH mum and sister may enjoy their little Xmas together on their own, and it’s just her DH interring and feels bad that they are doing this! They might say no anyway

@Lotsofsnacks

"But Christmas is about including people that are on their own and they are OPs family too, as she’s married to their son/brother"

I do hear what you're saying Lotsof but we'll have to agree to disagree that Christmas is about including people who are on their own.(Mum and sister will be together mind)

For years @OtterlyMad has taken turn about wrt Christmas but because her husband decides, he wants to change the goalposts this year, @OtterlyMad should acquiesce!

Why?

She doesn't want to and they agreed not to. So that's why not.

It is also incredibly bad manners to ask her mother to add extra people to her celebrations because her mother knows the situation and is perfectly able to invite people to her own home if she wants to without being made to feel she cannot refuse.

And Christmas is about whatever you want it to be about.

Right. It's her turn and suddenly she doesn't get a turn. Entitled and unfair of her DH

Yes, YABU. I completely understand your DH's point of view - how can he enjoy the day if the sad thought of his lonely mother and sister are at the back of his mind the whole time?

If your DM is willing, be generous. They don’t have to sleep at your mother's - why not suggest they book a B&B?

If they don’t enjoy the free-and-easy atmosphere perhaps they would refuse future invitations. That’s up to them. But perhaps they would enjoy it.

It's great to see most agree with you OP, you're definitely not being unreasonable.

It's also, as noted, very rude to ask your mother to add people to her already busy, crowded house, as she is quite capable of making that suggestion herself if she wants to and it puts her in a position where she has to say yes - and yep, everybody understands that this is the case.

So no, he can go visit them or he can do the right thing and stick to the agreement. And of course they will NOT be alone and have one another and next year will be their turn.

They'll be fine.

It's two extra people, it really isn't much if there are already lots of people coming and it won't mean cooking extra food. Don't be stingy and mean. They are your family too, it's Christmas!

And yes, of course two extra people is far too many extra given your post which explains the matter clearly :)

It's very mean spirited of your husband to try to bulldozer your arrangement now that it's your turn.

Because it's ok to be nice 🤷🏻‍♀️

It's not nice to try to force your wife to break an arrangement you have agreed to because it's your turn, and similarly not nice to rudely ask someone to invite people they haven't chosen to invite into an already overcrowded and busy home 🤷🏻‍♀️

But it's perfectly nice to just stick to the arrangement and see them next year.

Nice is subjective.

ofc it is, absolutely, but at whose expense?

and just because @OtterlyMad's husband decides it should be so?

To everyone berating the op for not wanting to invite her in laws because "it's only 2 more". What if her siblings brought all their in laws too?

I was thinking the same thing @CharlotteUnaNatalieThompson. If the OP brings her DH’s side, her siblings might want to do the same and her Mum would be in a really difficult position then.

I don’t think that they can invite more people to her Mum’s already crowded house. When they’re hosting, fine.

Genuinely bizarre that some are pretending that just inviting extra people into an already overcrowded house when someone else is doing the hosting and has NOT invited them is ok or nice.

So glad that OP is sticking up for her mum and that she won't just let her husband change the arrangement he agreed to now that it's his turn.

And the way people are talking about the mother and sister like they're waifs and strays in an alleyway instead of adult humans who will be cosy and safe at home with one another for company. Bizarre.

The drama that a minority are trying to invoke because a woman wants to stick to a perfectly fair, amicable arrangement that works for everyone except her pushy husband is like something out of a bloody Dickens novel 😂

To me it's not about the husband or some feminist stance. Two extra people at Christmas is not a big deal, and it's nice to invite people who are otherwise going to have a sad, lonely Christmas. That is actually what Christmas is about. This thread is actually a great insight into how everyone has forgotten the actual point of Christmas 😞😮‍💨

Feminist stance? Eh? Now I know you are responding to a comment I didn't make, imply or infer 😂

Nah, it's a big deal to the OP who has remembered the spirit of Christmas is not rudely inviting people to other people's crowded, busy homes when they will be perfectly fine with one another in their own home. As agreed.

So that's that :)

Only read a couple of your replies but 12-14 makes no difference really (I regularly cooked for 20+), so enough with your DM running herself ragged for a couple of extra guests. If that's really the case then your family are lazy. It should fall to everyone not just her

Oh, it's a shame you didn't read the OPs words because she explained precisely why it is a big deal :)

MN: Why is there no community anymore? Why don't I have any friends? Why is my family not very close? It takes a whole village ... etc

Also MN: Do not under any circumstances invite your MIL and SIL to Christmas, they can stay at home. F them, stand your ground. Your husband is a dick. LTB

🤣🤣🤣 never a dull moment 😉

That's what I was wondering, won't everyone be bringing food anyway? We always have enough food for double the people. Don't most people have leftovers for days?