It’s a Christmas one sorry! AIBU not inviting my in-laws to spend it with my family?

[OtterlyMad]

Apologies I know Christmas is still bloody ages away but our parents start asking for our Christmas plans as soon as we make it past Easter (!) so we’re under pressure to let them know. I’ll try to keep it brief.

DH has a very small family: his mum and sister (both single and live alone on the opposite side of the country to us) plus a handful of extended family they only see at weddings and funerals.

By comparison, my family is big. It’s normal to be 12+ people for Christmas dinner. My siblings and I have small houses so my mum hosts every year (she has a 4-bed semi so not a mansion by any means) and she never complains but I feel guilty and wish we could host to take the pressure off her. Sadly it’s just not feasible until we upsize which won’t happen for another couple of years yet.

For the first few years of our relationship, DH and I always celebrated Christmas apart, with our respective families. Since we got married we’ve alternated which side we spend it with. This year it’s my family’s turn. But DH always feels bad whenever we don’t see his mum and sister since it’s just the two of them. This year, he suggested that we invite them to spend Christmas with my lot (obviously we would have to ask my mum first but I know she would agree because that’s the sort of person she is). However, I think it’s unfair to place any extra burden on my mum. DH says “it’s only two more people” but that’s on top of a dozen already. Plus my family are used to it being a tight squeeze - some of us end up sitting on the floor, and it’s all elbows at the dinner table - but we muddle through and have a laugh. Frankly I can’t imagine my quiet, reserved in-laws enjoying the ruckus and I wouldn’t be able to relax because I’d be worried the whole time that they were judging my very forward, loud and (probably) drunk family members!

I told DH no and we argued about it. He has accused me of disliking his family (not true), of being selfish (because his mum and sister have to spend the day “on their own” though I’ve pointed out they’re not on their own if they’re together!!) and “gatekeeping my family” (whatever that means). Am I being unreasonable by refusing to invite them?? I just want to continue with the current arrangement where we alternate each year.

P.S. In case anyone is wondering why we can’t split it (e.g. Christmas Day with one side and Boxing Day with the other) DH’s mum and sister live a 6hr+ drive away so it has to be all or nothing really.

Like OP 's mum, I get a little bit flappy occasionally when doing the big Christmas meal, despite loving it. I don't have to feel stressed or embarrassed about it though, because everyone's family and they love me and don't care if there's a hiccup here and there. But having two extras that I don't know well and who I didn't invite would make me feel a fair bit more anxious about the catering.

You are not the OPs mother and this is an entirely different scenario.

Hope this helps.

UPDATE
I held firm with DH and told him if he wants to spend it with his mum and sister then he’s welcome to but I will be at my mum’s, as agreed, and we’re NOT asking her to invite any extras.

I offered up a few alternatives such as seeing them before/after Christmas, or going to visit them at an Easter and making a big thing of that. In the end we decided to change our NYE plans (we were meant to be spending it with some of DH’s friends) and will invite MIL/SIL down to ours for a few days over New Year instead.

Thanks to everyone who read the post/comments properly and gave helpful suggestions!

Surely she can't be jumping out of her chair for 12 people all the time to get something for them?

It won't stop them babbling and burbling on and on and on.

But I am glad you have found a nice, sensible solution that will be fair to you and your mum.

You plainly never met my mother who would have given Mrs Doyle a run for her money.

Glad you have found a compromise. That sounds great, as it gives them something to look forward to over the festive season. Have a fab time!

Well done @OtterlyMad
glad you’ve stuck to boundaries that you both agreed to

Yeah and also they are the ones whom can change this situation… like having friends?
all their social life shouldn’t be put on op’s shoulder 👀

Well done - glad you didn't let him push you all into an arrangement that only suits him!
Ars you okay with your NY plans being changed? I do wonder whether your h would have been so willing to give up seeing friends if this had been last year and you wanted to see your family at NY, having spent Christmas with his mum. Or would he have whinged about this?
I hope it's a resolution you can live with happily but I'd keep an eye on other situations where he might expect you to bend to his preferences at the expense of your own.

No, I don't. I don't have leftovers because we are capable of cooking for the number of people we're feeding. Why would we cook more than people will eat?

My niece and her husband turned up 2 hours after Christmas dinner last year after they were supposedly eating with his mother. No, I didn't have a Christmas dinner going spare for them. Because I can count.

In addition, there is not really space for 12 to sit and eat, according to the OP's first post. Whom are you demoting to to floor to accommodate the extra two people?

Excellent news OP.

Do you talk down to everyone or do you just do it behind a keyboard.

Most people I know like to have left over food so they can have bubble and steak.

By the way I can count too, but I wouldn't dream of talking to people the way you do.

The number of women on this forum that are disrespectful of others is beyond belief, you ask for help and people are quick to point the finger, tell someone their husband/partner is a waste of space, get a divorce, all on a snippet of their life. Putting people down because they have a different opinion, suggesting people are lying about their income. I am seriously considering leaving this forum, although I suppose someone will now have a snarky comment about that too.

Treat people how you would like to be treated or how you would like people to treat your children, have some respect.

I honestly couldn’t care less about NYE so it’s fine by me! If it had been my friends we’d arranged to see perhaps I wouldn’t have agreed so readily because I hate messing people about but since they’re his mates it was up to him. And in fairness New Year is months away so plenty of time for them to make alternative arrangements.

Treat people how you would like to be treated or how you would like people to treat your children, have some respect.

@Santina I think you should take your own advice. It's been explained over and over why it is not that easy to accommodate 2 extra people - there aren't enough seats, it changes the dynamic with the family (what if others decide to bring random in-laws with them?), and it's still extra work and extra food and drink.

Then when someone is kind enough to explain it to you in more detail you accuse them of being patronising (gasp!).

Well done OP

You willfully misunderstand everything the OP has said. You make up a narrative that "everyone" has too much food anyway so it's no problem inviting strangers into her family . You gloss over the fact there isn't really space for two extra people in an already crowded house. You confidently assert it's not really any trouble...

And I am the patronising one.
Got it.

Wow, you’re lovely. I apologise for having an opinion, how sexist of me to suggest that having both sides of the family there would be a nice thing to do. I’m sure the OP would have told me if I’d offered them, however, as they’d engaged with me earlier on I’m hopeful that I haven’t.

At no point have I suggested that OP should be ending over backwards. I asked a few questions, as have others, and suggested it’d be a nice thing to do. That’s all.

it’s a forum, it relies on opinions. It doesn’t make me sexist. In fact, I think it’s you that’s sexist because you’ve jumped straight to that conclusion.

@phoenixrosehere
I didn't see that she wouldn't accept help - sorry. That is a completely different ball game, My DH and I are 74 and no way could we manage (or even try to) without help. Maybe she needs to have a conversation with her Mum at some time about sharing the load regardless if the OPs come or not.

Pleased to see your update OP. Hope you have a wonderful Xmas and NY.

It's much better to ask them along than just leave them out your husband wont enjoy Christmas if that's the case that will be another issue.
Be kind if it's not for them they will decline in the future at least then you know you didnt leave them out .

How do you work out that

making the OP uncomfortable
making her Mum (the host) uncomfortable
making the other 10 people in the extended family uncomfortable
and
more than likely making the OP's MiL and SiL uncomfortable is "being kind" ?

I thought I wouldn't need to say this any more, but one finally time:

OP is NOT THE HOST! It is not for her to invite two people to SOMEONE ELSE'S Christmas event, especially when the host barely knows the extras and the other guests don't know them at all.

I think it's weird and fucking rude to expect her mum to invite 2 non family members and completely change the dynamics of the day. If her mum wanted them there, she'd have invited them already. She hasn't but probably has slight people pleasing tenancy and wouldn't say no if directly asked.

My family have met my MIL maybe twice in the 2 decades we've been married. They've met my SIL a few more times than this. They definitely do not consider my in laws as their extended family.
They are very different and have nothing in common. It isn't odd to consider them strangers. In my case, they are. Same with the OP clearly.

You already have new year plans????