It’s a Christmas one sorry! AIBU not inviting my in-laws to spend it with my family?

[OtterlyMad]

Apologies I know Christmas is still bloody ages away but our parents start asking for our Christmas plans as soon as we make it past Easter (!) so we’re under pressure to let them know. I’ll try to keep it brief.

DH has a very small family: his mum and sister (both single and live alone on the opposite side of the country to us) plus a handful of extended family they only see at weddings and funerals.

By comparison, my family is big. It’s normal to be 12+ people for Christmas dinner. My siblings and I have small houses so my mum hosts every year (she has a 4-bed semi so not a mansion by any means) and she never complains but I feel guilty and wish we could host to take the pressure off her. Sadly it’s just not feasible until we upsize which won’t happen for another couple of years yet.

For the first few years of our relationship, DH and I always celebrated Christmas apart, with our respective families. Since we got married we’ve alternated which side we spend it with. This year it’s my family’s turn. But DH always feels bad whenever we don’t see his mum and sister since it’s just the two of them. This year, he suggested that we invite them to spend Christmas with my lot (obviously we would have to ask my mum first but I know she would agree because that’s the sort of person she is). However, I think it’s unfair to place any extra burden on my mum. DH says “it’s only two more people” but that’s on top of a dozen already. Plus my family are used to it being a tight squeeze - some of us end up sitting on the floor, and it’s all elbows at the dinner table - but we muddle through and have a laugh. Frankly I can’t imagine my quiet, reserved in-laws enjoying the ruckus and I wouldn’t be able to relax because I’d be worried the whole time that they were judging my very forward, loud and (probably) drunk family members!

I told DH no and we argued about it. He has accused me of disliking his family (not true), of being selfish (because his mum and sister have to spend the day “on their own” though I’ve pointed out they’re not on their own if they’re together!!) and “gatekeeping my family” (whatever that means). Am I being unreasonable by refusing to invite them?? I just want to continue with the current arrangement where we alternate each year.

P.S. In case anyone is wondering why we can’t split it (e.g. Christmas Day with one side and Boxing Day with the other) DH’s mum and sister live a 6hr+ drive away so it has to be all or nothing really.

@OtterlyMad

"DH says “it’s only two more people”"

That is really not the point though, is it?

The dynamic totally changes, why should the OP have to invite her in-laws to her parents for Christmas?

As adults, sometimes, we don't see family at Christmas, so what, we're all grown ups and dare I even say if either the SiL or the MiL were on their own, should the expectation be that they should have an automatic invitation?

It is not a question of excluding nor disliking, it surely is just, enjoying our families and the familiarity/comfort factor that, that entails

Both sets of our parents still host as they have the bigger houses, but aside from them buying the meat we take everything else pre prepped and cook it there. Our kids and their cousins are old enough to clear the tables and wash up. My SILs bring amazing desserts. Takes the pressure off the grandmas at least.

We also alternate years but since my MIL was widowed she is always invited to spend it with my family.

I’d invite them if it’s ok with your mum, but you need to ease the pressure off her by getting everyone to muck in a bit more.

I’d put good money on you feeling very differently if it was your Mum and sibling on Christmas Day and you were celebrating with DH’s big raucous family.

I actually do think your dh is being unreasonable. Having your inlaws there changes the dynamic for your siblings and other family members as well. I'm assuming as they live so far away they don't see each so often or know them very well? That isn't really fair to them.

Yanbu. His DM and Dsis can choose to go away every 2nd year.
Not your problem that they don't make plans.
It would completely changed your family Christmas and wouldn't be fair on the other guests or your DM.

completely unfair and as far as I can see totally wide of the mark from @OtterlyMad's position

Nope, he doesn't get to change the agreement because it's your family's turn. Absolutely 100% not being unreasonable. Even if nothing else was a problem - and it clearly is - this is what you BOTH agreed to. So that's that.

Last year we had to have two Christmas lunches because two family members couldn't get off work, so we had a separate one the following weekend. Such is life.

His mum and sister will be fine.

Yes we’re planning to have DC. Hopefully we’ll have upsized by then (or when the children are still little) so we’ll be able to host. I look forward to not having to go anywhere on Christmas Day and just sending out a single WhatsApp message saying “dinner is at 2pm, BYOB, everybody welcome, like it or lump it” 🤣

@Juststop2025 delicious, TWO Christmas lunches 🎅

Yeah it was really nice actually, in the end :)

Ooh how much? Because I’ve already said in another comment that I would quite happily BE the sibling “on my own” with just my mum! We’d have a lovely lie in, drink fizz all day, and watch Call the Midwife Christmas special… honestly sounds ideal.

But they're a 3 person family, so 2 rather than 3 isn't really that different? If they want a wild rumpus then they need to invite some other of their own relatives.

YANBU at all, OP. I would absolutely hate it if my siblings invited in-laws to a family Christmas. It would definitely ruin it.

I'd very happily have a Christmas with just me and a DC, so DH is being ridiculous in his concern about this.

I think because your DH really wants to see them Christmas you are being a bit mean. Could you just float the idea and see what your mother/in-laws say? Surely you know your mother well enough to know if she would truthfully want them there by her reaction. Ultimately it’s your mothers choice. Also don’t lose sight of the fact it’s your DHs Christmas too, maybe he’s fed up of alternating it.

Do you live near your family? Get to see them more often than your husband gets to see his family?

That honestly sounds pretty lovely too. And stress free :)

Bottom line is, Christmas Day is not an excuse to bulldoze over people's boundaries and ignore agreements. It doesn't work for your husband's family to visit, so they can't visit. Definitely not unreasonable. They will be fine.

Tell that to my MIL

@LovePoppy this needs addressing, don't you think?😊

yes, I read that. I’m suggesting it feels differently when it’s your family.

I didn’t suggest that you had to invite them.
It sounds like your mother has more than enough on her hands.

Not really in the spirit of Christmas to leave people out, especially your DH's close relatives.

I never understand this logic that you need to mix in-laws with your family. My siblings are also married, we could end up with and awful lot of parents in law if my parents were expected to host them.

DH is being thoroughly unreasonable- your family size is your family size. I don’t see why Christmas for 2 is inherently ‘bad’ but if they think it is they can always invite other people to their celebration.

There is no way I would ask my parents to host DH’s small family - nor would he want me to (he doesn’t even want to host them let alone ask others to).

I always say on threads like this we resolutely refuse to get into any pattern of taking turns which year we go where, sometimes accept an invitation, sometimes prefer just us (and now also DC), sometimes go away for Christmas. No one is getting an answer from me about Christmas plans this side of December because unless it’s the holiday option and we’re booking flights then we won’t know.

Bringing your in-laws to your family's Christmas celebration could really change the feeling of it - as you say, you would worry that your inlaws weren't enjoying it, so you'd be stressed.

I think it is a very big ask of your DH, not just of your mum but the rest of your family.

Your inlaws would probably feel that they have to go if invited - your DH is likely to make a big deal about how he doesn't want them to be alone (together!) at Christmas!

I'm a single parent, and since my parents died - 3 years ago - my DS, now 21, and I have Christmas with just the two of us and it's great! We have lovely food, we watch a movie, I have a nap, more food, walk the dog.

It's not the big family Christmases I had when I was a child in my Granny's house, but we do enjoy it - we've had offers to go to wider family, but my DS is happy with how we do it.

Your DH is being very presumptuous - that his mother and sister must be having a miserable Christmas, as he's not there; that they would want to join another family's christmas celebration; that they would want to drive 6 hours there and back, so would have to stay over.

If your husband feels so strongly that they shouldn't spend Christmas alone - as if two women aren't really company, they need the man of the family to be complete- then he can spend every Christmas with them, while you continue to alternate between your parents and his.

You can revisit if you have kids or move into a bigger place.

I think he's being a bit of an arse about this.

Not really in the spirit of Christmas to bulldoze over an agreement and insist upon people being there who aren't invited, especially when they had their turn last year and will have it again next year and especially when your own close relatives will be put out by doing so.

@shampooing

"I never understand this logic that you need to mix in-laws with your family"

COMPLETELY, agree

I agree invite them once, this year, and see how it goes, keep DH happy and do a nice thing for them. As you said, yours and dh’s families are chalk and cheese, so they either, may not enjoy it and not come again in future, or decline the invite anyway (you never know miracles could happen and you all enjoy the day together!). Though I don’t understand why you keep saying your poor
mum? Agreed her house is the staging venue as largest, but that does not mean she should be doing all the prep, cooking and hosting on the day though, do no family members help her out?? If not you all need to muck in, as 2 more guests won’t matter, if mum has some helpers

Actually, yes that works well too.

He can go and spend his Christmas with his mother and sister without trying to force OP to disrupt her own family and break the arrangement he agreed to.