It’s a Christmas one sorry! AIBU not inviting my in-laws to spend it with my family?

[OtterlyMad]

Apologies I know Christmas is still bloody ages away but our parents start asking for our Christmas plans as soon as we make it past Easter (!) so we’re under pressure to let them know. I’ll try to keep it brief.

DH has a very small family: his mum and sister (both single and live alone on the opposite side of the country to us) plus a handful of extended family they only see at weddings and funerals.

By comparison, my family is big. It’s normal to be 12+ people for Christmas dinner. My siblings and I have small houses so my mum hosts every year (she has a 4-bed semi so not a mansion by any means) and she never complains but I feel guilty and wish we could host to take the pressure off her. Sadly it’s just not feasible until we upsize which won’t happen for another couple of years yet.

For the first few years of our relationship, DH and I always celebrated Christmas apart, with our respective families. Since we got married we’ve alternated which side we spend it with. This year it’s my family’s turn. But DH always feels bad whenever we don’t see his mum and sister since it’s just the two of them. This year, he suggested that we invite them to spend Christmas with my lot (obviously we would have to ask my mum first but I know she would agree because that’s the sort of person she is). However, I think it’s unfair to place any extra burden on my mum. DH says “it’s only two more people” but that’s on top of a dozen already. Plus my family are used to it being a tight squeeze - some of us end up sitting on the floor, and it’s all elbows at the dinner table - but we muddle through and have a laugh. Frankly I can’t imagine my quiet, reserved in-laws enjoying the ruckus and I wouldn’t be able to relax because I’d be worried the whole time that they were judging my very forward, loud and (probably) drunk family members!

I told DH no and we argued about it. He has accused me of disliking his family (not true), of being selfish (because his mum and sister have to spend the day “on their own” though I’ve pointed out they’re not on their own if they’re together!!) and “gatekeeping my family” (whatever that means). Am I being unreasonable by refusing to invite them?? I just want to continue with the current arrangement where we alternate each year.

P.S. In case anyone is wondering why we can’t split it (e.g. Christmas Day with one side and Boxing Day with the other) DH’s mum and sister live a 6hr+ drive away so it has to be all or nothing really.

My mum has always helped us out here by saying very clearly any requests for extra guests won't be accommodated. She loves Christmas, she is super warm and loving and does amazing things for months around it, but she doesn't really want MIL x (a siblings MIL) and her running family battles, or FIL y (tubthumping vicar and teetotaller).

Once you open Pandora's box, it stays open.

No, you can’t invite them to your mum’s because it’s not your invitation to issue.

There are 2 people - they are the refute not on their own.

Christmas is a season not a day, see the in-laws for a few days either side of Christmas.

Your DH feels guilty about his mum and sister being on ‘their own’ but they do have each other. His guilty feeling is not for you or your mum to remedy.

He is unreasonable to expect your mum to host his mum and sister.

My SIL was always hinting that she'd love to come to my family's house at Xmas time . She had a smallish family and I guess they were quite sedate . Mine was larger and probably seemed to be a lot more fun to her. But it wouldn't be the same would it ? We have had elderly relations or once a neighbour whose husband ended up in hospital one year because they would have been on their own . The MIL won't be on her own though she will be with her DD .
I'd go to your mothers' for Xmas and invite IL between Boxing Day or New Year or go to them.

Why is that? Surely Christmas is meant to be enjoyable… if in laws don’t enjoy themselves and neither do I, then what is the bloody point?!

You sound like a nasty bit of work and a bit selfish. YOU don't want them to come so have made up scenarios of why it wouldn't work, oh your poor mum being run ragged at Xmas and having 2 more would most certainly be the straw that broke her back 🙄.
I think regardless of whether you let your in laws come, you need to rethink letting your mum do everything. Just because she's the host doesn't mean no one else does anything, take the lead and just do it, bring a dish each, share the load.

So, obviously your DH/DP has spent Xmas with your side of the family and he's still comfortable thinking they would be OK with how it is/all that goes on?
That's a compliment OP. If it's genuinely where this request is coming from.

Or, is he a Mummy's boy and he doesn't want to let his Mum down/not see her?
Also, would he still expect you to spend the following year not seeing your family? You could ask him, would his Mum be willing to host all your lot, lol.

Lol ok, clearly its past your bedtime
Off you pop!

Seems very mean to want to exclude them for no reason.

Alternating is fine, imo. They (MIL and SIL) can choose what to do on the year it's just them. And invite you for a Christmas dinner before or after Christmas, it doesn't have to be in the 25th, if they really want to see you all.

Your DH is only thinking of himself. That for me would be enough to say no. I would feel differently if he was showing you any empathy, if he was actually suggesting that he asks your mum if it would be ok and suggesting ways to make it easier on her and accepting that this would be very gracious of you. But it sounds like he is doing none of those things.

It's all about him and the feelings of the women involved do not matter. He's not coming across well at all. How often does he contact his mum normally? Does he suggest going to visit on bank holidays? Or is this all about christmas and he sees fit to ignore her the rest of the year.

Maybe bite the bullet and ask your mum if she would be ok with them being invited. If your mum says no, that lets you off the hook.

If she says yes, then invite them and let them experience the whole noisy, crowded, drunken, messy day which the rest of you all enjoy.

They will either love it and everyone will have a good time, or they will hate it and never ask to come again.

Either way it's a win for you.

It's their daughter-in-laws mother who is hosting...they are no relation to her.

Do your mum/rest of your family get on well with your MIL and SIL?
Would your MIL and SIL need to stay overnight?

A big mad Christmas would be a nightmare, I’d be praying you didn’t invite me so I could avoid the embarrassment of saying no.

We have a similar situation- every 2nd year my in laws would be alone. We’ve started having them at ours for Christmas lunch then going to my sister’s house (the host with the most in our family) late afternoon/early evening. On my side there’s 20+ for Christmas so sometimes, my in laws come along, sometimes they don’t (or my MIL does whilst my FIL have a snooze in the quiet at ours) There’s no pressure either way (they know they’re v welcome to come to the mad house at my sister’s - but they do prefer a quieter time of it- it feels like it works for us all.

That’s a bit rich isn’t it…?
It’s all good and well saying “love thy neighbour” but when you’ve only got one oven and a dining table that is built to seat 6-8 then you can’t physically have everyone’s in laws for Christmas dinner, no matter how “hospitable” the families involved are 🙄

As long as you are alternating years you are fine.

i agree that the different personalities make the blend even more difficult.

I like a Christmas gathering, but there is a chaos threshold that I just don’t want to cross. for this reason we attend a smaller gathering that Dh’s family holds but often skip the bigger party. It’s just gotten to be too many people in one place to be enjoyable anymore.

That explains it really well! I’m which case, back to being tricky. I suppose the rule of thumb is for everyone to compromise a little. I’m not sure what that would mean in your situation. Maybe your DH goes down for a few days before Xmas by himself? Maybe you sunbathe on your skiing holiday once in a while? Maybe your mum gives in and allows you or your DH to help? Maybe your MIL and SIL just suck it up and enjoy a raucous Xmas once in a while?

Tbh, typing all that out, I think your DH should ask his mum and sister if they actually want to go because I can’t see them enjoying the drive and staying over and then a drunken Xmas with strangers and then a 6hr drive back…when they can stay at home. Sounds objectively hellish. Perhaps the decision will make itself and your DH just needs to get over the fact that his mum and sister won’t actually be alone 🙄

I hate Christmas… if that helps.

I don’t have enough money, people’s expectations are too high.

I know a couple of people have suggested that he go to his mom’s while you go to your family.

Sorry, but I don’t see how it’s fair that his mom would get 100% of Christmases going forward.

No, of course you shouldn't invite them. It's not even about your mum, but your other family members will be really awkward with 2 extra guests they don't know and your mum might also feel judged in her home.

I don't know why everyone thinks it's ok to add your ILs...

I think it is really rude of your husband to want to invite his family. Fair enough if your mother spontaneously invited them, but she should not be asked too. You cannot invite people to someone else's home!

I would hate big family, drunken Christmas with mainly people I don’t know.

Do you visit in-laws before/ after Christmas in the years you have Xmas with your parents?

Are you planning to have DC? Will you fo things differently then?

This.

Your husband could go with his family and you stay with yours. If you want to spend part of teh holiday together, boxing day is on Friday so one of you could travel for the weekend or something.