It’s a Christmas one sorry! AIBU not inviting my in-laws to spend it with my family?

[OtterlyMad]

Apologies I know Christmas is still bloody ages away but our parents start asking for our Christmas plans as soon as we make it past Easter (!) so we’re under pressure to let them know. I’ll try to keep it brief.

DH has a very small family: his mum and sister (both single and live alone on the opposite side of the country to us) plus a handful of extended family they only see at weddings and funerals.

By comparison, my family is big. It’s normal to be 12+ people for Christmas dinner. My siblings and I have small houses so my mum hosts every year (she has a 4-bed semi so not a mansion by any means) and she never complains but I feel guilty and wish we could host to take the pressure off her. Sadly it’s just not feasible until we upsize which won’t happen for another couple of years yet.

For the first few years of our relationship, DH and I always celebrated Christmas apart, with our respective families. Since we got married we’ve alternated which side we spend it with. This year it’s my family’s turn. But DH always feels bad whenever we don’t see his mum and sister since it’s just the two of them. This year, he suggested that we invite them to spend Christmas with my lot (obviously we would have to ask my mum first but I know she would agree because that’s the sort of person she is). However, I think it’s unfair to place any extra burden on my mum. DH says “it’s only two more people” but that’s on top of a dozen already. Plus my family are used to it being a tight squeeze - some of us end up sitting on the floor, and it’s all elbows at the dinner table - but we muddle through and have a laugh. Frankly I can’t imagine my quiet, reserved in-laws enjoying the ruckus and I wouldn’t be able to relax because I’d be worried the whole time that they were judging my very forward, loud and (probably) drunk family members!

I told DH no and we argued about it. He has accused me of disliking his family (not true), of being selfish (because his mum and sister have to spend the day “on their own” though I’ve pointed out they’re not on their own if they’re together!!) and “gatekeeping my family” (whatever that means). Am I being unreasonable by refusing to invite them?? I just want to continue with the current arrangement where we alternate each year.

P.S. In case anyone is wondering why we can’t split it (e.g. Christmas Day with one side and Boxing Day with the other) DH’s mum and sister live a 6hr+ drive away so it has to be all or nothing really.

So I am your mum in this situation. I always host 12 for Xmas and would easily add another 2 in (I have done 16 and also 20). I also like to do everything. I get enormous satisfaction from it. I hate people being left out. I often have waifs and strays as well as family.
Ask your mum? What does she say. If she says of course, its no bother than take her at her word. Ask them. They might decline. They might come and never come again. They might love it and it could be on your side of the country every year.
I'd say yes in an instant.

He’s unreasonable. It totally changes your family dynamic. Would they even want to come - I can’t think of anything worse than Christmas with any of my sibling’s (no doubt perfectly nice) in-laws. Plus presumably if they’re six hours away they’d end up staying with you for days either side.

They’re not alone, presumably not recently widowed or sick - it’s not your Mum’s responsibility to give them a big family Christmas. If they don’t want to spend it just the two of them then there’s options - presumably they have friends? Or my local church organises families to host people who’d be totally alone - maybe they could do that.

An awful lot of people are going to have small Christmases in future given the birth rate and lower average family size - it’s not some massive tragedy to be averted at all costs.

Not at all, I do enjoy Christmas with his mum and sister. It’s relaxed and dignified and not exhausting like it is with my family! I guess it’s a bit like how I enjoy summer holidays AND skiing holidays. But I don’t want to sunbathe on a skiing holiday, if you see what I mean?

Stick to your guns. It will totally change the dynamic and your husband is trying to have his cake and eat it. Alternating years is fair.

Plus what about if your siblings started inviting their in laws- it’s just not practical or fair

I don't understand your husband or some of the posters on this thread. It's not your house, you are not the host. So it's not really your place to invite people. You say your mum would not say no, but it's cheeky to ask her.
Can mil and sil not go to the extended family for Christmas?
For me, marriage is about two people. You can't force both sides to amalgamate as one big family. I actually get on with my ILs and we always invite them to Christmas. But its at our house, not someone else's.

It’s such a personal one isn’t it. On the one hand it does feel mean but on the other hand I get it’s tricky. Have a chat with your mum perhaps? My FIL lives alone and without us he has no Xmas, my parents came to spend it and he still got included. He drives me insane but I can’t bear the thought of him being alone when we’re not. he’s family at the end of the day. Have a chat with your mum/siblings and see what they think. If the appetite is there to have them why no? Unless of course there’s huge aggro/drama you’ve not mentioned.

Can you host Christmas dinner for MIL and SIL at yours, then join the wider family for drinks?

@OtterlyMad can you suggest to your DH he goes to his mums and you to your family solo? I know couples who do this every year and love it as their respective family christmas' have such different dynamics. And if he says he doesn't want to be solo with his mum and sister that's up to him.

YANBU , your husband can’t have it both ways , you are either alternating or you are not .

While that’s a touching sentiment, this feels like it’s spoken by an only child 🤣 if we all invited our partners families to spend Christmas at my mum’s then the headcount would be close to 30!

On the year she sees her family for Christmas then the next year they just see mil and sil and not her family at all? I’d ask dh why he’s doing this- does he think it’s not Christmas really without his family and not care that your family count just as much to you? Or is it genuinely because he’s worried about his mum having a nice Christmas?
Is anyone in your family near his mums you can suggest inviting to his mums for his Christmas so he can think about how that would work? I suspect he’d instinctively think no.

Ours would be high 30s and while we are all very happy to socialise together, the only time it would be ok with my in laws is when I was hosting.

Yeah I totally get your perspective OP. It’s not even like you are hosting yourself. Someone makes a really great point about what if your siblings want to start inviting their in laws? Where does it stop? I don’t dislike my own in laws as such but they are VERY different people to my family and would alter the dynamic. It’s not as if you never spend Christmas with them either.

On the year that you don’t spend Christmas with MIL and SIL, do you visit them between Christmas and new year?

It’s extremely cheeky to invite someone to another person’s house.
YANBU
My MIL has tried to do this on several occasions and it drove me round the bend!
Spread out your Christmas celebrations, as another poster suggested and celebrate with DH’s family between Christmas and NY.

I agree with you OP. If he is fine with alternative years when it's his turn, then it's fine when it's yours too. There are 2 of them so they aren't actually alone, and you aren't the host so it's not really your place to invite anyway

I’m the mom who hosts, although everyone pitches on.

I wouldn’t feel comfortable with my kids bringing in-laws. You already established alternating years, I’d feel invaded if I had to host in-laws on my time too. Would I suck it up? Maybe. Would I feel resentful that my SIL asked? Yeah, because that’s a no win situation. I get to be the bad guy for not welcoming two more people or I get to be unhappy at the holiday I’m hosting. It would feel unfair to me, plus I’d be stressed, having my kid’s in-laws in the house for a holiday when I don’t have a relationship with them.

Cooking Christmas dinner for 14 would definitely be more stressful than for 12, that's moving into mass catering numbers & needing an extra oven to fit everything in. Does your husband cook a lot, or does he not really get how much work is involved in making a big meal for lots of people? I think he's being cheeky suggesting that your mum hosts them.

Your husband seems very happy to co-opt your mum’s labour.

What does he do on Christmas Day? Does he help his mum when he goes to hers?

@OtterlyMadno need to patronise. Not an only child and neither is husband. Just happen to both have very hospitable families. Have spent many Christmas’s with extras at the table for one reason or another. Multicultural family so maybe that is a factor. Strongly believe in inclusively and loving thy neighbour and all that.

I’d invite them but be clear that there will be 14 for dinner with them so it will be noisy and hectic - they can refuse if it’s not their cup of tea. My mum cooks for whatever waifs and strays I or my dc bring along I’ve acquired 2 dsds that now come (adults) and dd1 has brought friends in the past as has dd2 as well as dps, mum loves it

I think wanting to maintain the current arrangement is fair enough. You spend Xmas with them every other year.

I wouldn’t really want to change an established family Christmas plan for people who it sounds like wouldn’t enjoy it. I think it would cramp my style too. If they would be chill and get involved then go for it but you don’t seem to think they would.

If your husband feels so strongly then maybe he could spend it with his mum and sister and you go to your family.

Frankly I can’t imagine my quiet, reserved in-laws enjoying the ruckus and I wouldn’t be able to relax because I’d be worried the whole time that they were judging my very forward, loud and (probably) drunk family members

This is a shit reason.

@OtterlyMadyou've said it yourself, you would be quite happy. Your MIL clearly isn't though which is why your husband is asking they’re involved.
Speaking as a single parent with a very small family, it really is such a blessing to be included. I’m often forgotten about, I know how it feels to be on my own. You’re lucky as it doesn’t sound (from your post) that you experience this but perhaps your MIL does. Take it from someone who is in that situation, it isn’t nice.

Don’t do it @OtterlyMad !

It’s also about the other people at your family’s Christmas, you’d be changing their dynamic as well. I would hate for some random people to show to a family Christmas, and let’s be honest MIL and SIL would be randoms to them.

It would change your dynamic for sure as now you’re responsible for them and would have to ‘host’ them.

I agree with you, they aren’t alone as they have each other.

I’m curious how long you’ve been alternating Christmas’s.