It’s a Christmas one sorry! AIBU not inviting my in-laws to spend it with my family?

[OtterlyMad]

Apologies I know Christmas is still bloody ages away but our parents start asking for our Christmas plans as soon as we make it past Easter (!) so we’re under pressure to let them know. I’ll try to keep it brief.

DH has a very small family: his mum and sister (both single and live alone on the opposite side of the country to us) plus a handful of extended family they only see at weddings and funerals.

By comparison, my family is big. It’s normal to be 12+ people for Christmas dinner. My siblings and I have small houses so my mum hosts every year (she has a 4-bed semi so not a mansion by any means) and she never complains but I feel guilty and wish we could host to take the pressure off her. Sadly it’s just not feasible until we upsize which won’t happen for another couple of years yet.

For the first few years of our relationship, DH and I always celebrated Christmas apart, with our respective families. Since we got married we’ve alternated which side we spend it with. This year it’s my family’s turn. But DH always feels bad whenever we don’t see his mum and sister since it’s just the two of them. This year, he suggested that we invite them to spend Christmas with my lot (obviously we would have to ask my mum first but I know she would agree because that’s the sort of person she is). However, I think it’s unfair to place any extra burden on my mum. DH says “it’s only two more people” but that’s on top of a dozen already. Plus my family are used to it being a tight squeeze - some of us end up sitting on the floor, and it’s all elbows at the dinner table - but we muddle through and have a laugh. Frankly I can’t imagine my quiet, reserved in-laws enjoying the ruckus and I wouldn’t be able to relax because I’d be worried the whole time that they were judging my very forward, loud and (probably) drunk family members!

I told DH no and we argued about it. He has accused me of disliking his family (not true), of being selfish (because his mum and sister have to spend the day “on their own” though I’ve pointed out they’re not on their own if they’re together!!) and “gatekeeping my family” (whatever that means). Am I being unreasonable by refusing to invite them?? I just want to continue with the current arrangement where we alternate each year.

P.S. In case anyone is wondering why we can’t split it (e.g. Christmas Day with one side and Boxing Day with the other) DH’s mum and sister live a 6hr+ drive away so it has to be all or nothing really.

Would your in laws even want to go? I have a small, introverted family and they would never want to join me at my in laws noisy, crowded Christmas do, even though they all get on well enough.

If it was the other way round OP, and your mum was on her own, would you be happy she stays on her own whilst you go spend it with your husbands huge family? Or would you appreciate if they could some how include her?
I could never imagine leaving my mum by herself on Christmas.
(and yes I get the sister is alone too… same applies).

Invite them. They might love the jingle jangle of the hubbub. Leave no one out was my dm motto... even if balancing plate on knees

…because of all the reasons I outlined in my post?

If they could visit just for lunch then I'd probably invite them tbh, unless they're a PITA. However if they're 6 hours away they can't come for the day, so where would they both sleep? Sounds like your mum's house must be pretty full already. Does DH have a solution for that?

Has DH even asked them if they'd like to join? If they have a busy year with you, DH and your DC one year they might be quite glad of a quiet one, just the two of them the next year.

I do take your point though that it's unfair DH sees his family every year and you don't. My DH and I alternate our families every year religiously and whoever's turn it is that year makes the rules/decides the arrangements. So really your DH should butt out.

You’re using the excuse that your in-laws would feel uncomfortable around your loud, forthright family and perhaps that a fair enough observation but then you go on to say that in a couple of years you hope to have a house big enough to host everyone - surely you’re not going to leave your in-laws out then? So, the same ‘worry’ will arise anyway?! I’d check with your mum obviously but, I honestly can’t see how it would hurt! I mean, we also alternate it but, my in-laws are 5 minutes away same as my parents so we see all of them on Xmas day anyway!

It’s fine to not invite them. They are a maximum of three people anyway (mil, her daughter and your DH) so it’s not like they’ve gone from 20 to one is it?

If you invite her and your sil it will be six hours plus rest stops each way so they’re going to need to pay for at least two hotel nights over Christmas or stay with you, it’s a big invitation. I’d invite them if they lived closer and could pop in for a few hours, but in this situation I wouldn’t.

I think if your Mum hasn't offered to host them, it's a bit rude to ask. We've always done Christmas with DH's family and New Years with my Mum. I would say stick to the current arrangement until you can offer to host both sides yourself, but try to make an effort to see DH's family in December/January.

I'm another one that thinks your mil and sil might not even want to come - where would they even sleep at your mums?

But yeah, I agree, if they did say yes it's not fair for them to come to your mum's if they're then not going to return the favour and invite your family to theirs next year. Maybe put that to your DH? Say 'If I ask your mum and sister to come to mine this year, they'll host my family next year, right?' (even if in reality they probably wouldn't come, you can pretend they would - "actually mum mentioned once she'd love to do a different type of christmas one year, so perhaps uncle bob and aunty mary and the kids wouldn't have to come as well but my mum, sis, her partner and DC would LOVE to come and stay with your mum.")

If he says no, then you can parrot his own argument back to him. 'Why? You clearly hate my family then. You're being selfish. You're gatekeeping your family.' Perhaps then he'll realise how ridiculous it is.

If he continues moaning just say that the other option is that either neither of you see your families over Christmas and you just do it together the two of you, or you go to your respective families without each other.

Basically say you've given him 4 options, you don't mind which he goes for (even if you clearly do have a preference!) the only thing you're insisting on is it's fair between both families. He can't reasonably argue against that.

(the 4 options being Christmas just the 2 of you, you spending Christmas apart, alternating every year as you have been (and stopping this 'feeling bad' guilt tripping shit, it's not fair if you put your best face on on 'his' years), or agreeing your mum will invite his family only on the understanding the invite is reciprocated every other year).

At what point do we stop counting people as being “on their own”? In my view, two people together are not on their own, because they’re, well… together!
I’d be quite happy to spend Christmas with just my husband or my mum, so I guess I struggle to understand what the problem is.

Why don't you make it standing invitation then, and invite his mum and sister every year? Then you both get to see your family each year.

And I think you need to start working on your mum now, and tell her you don't want her doing everything. Divvy up some tasks and decide who's going to bring what and who'll be responsible for what. You'll know what will work best.

It's also possible that your mum really enjoys looking after everyone for a few hectic, fun days each year, and won't mind having an extra couple of people.

This is really tricky, but I think you’ve betrayed yourself a bit with “he gets to see them every year, I would never get to see mine ever in a relaxed way”. That’s true, obviously, but it goes to the heart of the matter - which is that you don’t enjoy Christmas with his mum and sister. That’s probably a very uncomfortable truth.

I think you have to tackle this head on because once you have children (if) it’s going to get worse.

Do you MIL and SIL actually want to travel 6+ hours? Where would they stay? Would they have to provide gifts? Do they have pets or dietary restrictions?

I think you just have to keep talking about it, without shouting or arguing, until you both get to a realisation. Also, there’s no need to be “fair” about these things. By the end of your lives, fairness won’t count for much. It’ll be about quality not quantity.

As someone with many siblings and a big noisy family Christmas of at least 15 people every year in a similar set up (not quite big enough!), I get it.

There has been no need to invite my in laws to my family’s Christmas but if there was I don’t think they would enjoy it as they are VERY sedate and my family are noisy and generally chaotic. Also, they can be quite judgey of anyone different to them so I wouldn’t relax or enjoy the day at all.

Posts like these make me so grateful that my family and husbands family became joined when we got married. My parents would’ve already invited my in laws on this situation and both families would welcome the others with open arms.

I don't think you're being unreasonable. You are entitled to relax and enjoy your Christmas without worrying about his family. I love my inlaws but it would change the dynamic of my Christmas if thet were here. I think alternate years are fair. If he's unhappy with that maybe you need to split for Christmas and each see your own family.

Why don't you make it standing invitation then, and invite his mum and sister every year? Then you both get to see your family each year.

I was going to say that. Presumably if you invite them and it goes even reasonably well, then you can make it the norm and you get to have every Christmas with your own family. (And he won’t get to pull the “just my family on our own” card because you’ve compromised on this.) Be tactical here. See the long term strategy…..

This, it's not your or your husbands invitation to make or ask of your Mum

It’s true the personality clash will still exist even when we get to host it ourselves and everyone will be invited. But I think my in-laws would feel more confident in our house rather than at my mum’s, who they aren’t related to and don’t know very well?

But yes the biggest issue right now is that it’s spent at my mum’s house so the bulk of the hard work falls to her (despite my best efforts) and I just don’t think it’s fair to increase the burden further.

They are her DDs immediate amily.

No I wouldn’t feel bad as you already do alternate Christmases

Personally I think it's rude to invite them to someone else's dinner. It's unfair to give her extra guests. Its asking alot if one host to look after 12 let alone 14 guests! Your husband's family are not alone, they are together. You've both agreed to alternate your family, but he wants to see his family every year? That doesn't seem fair at all.

Agree with this.

but only if your mum is ok with it as ultimately she’s the one hosting.

But yeh otherwise I’m with your DH.

This ^
It will also set up the expectations for the future. And it’s true that they are not on their own - they are together. They also can invite friends if they want to.
Why is it OP’s mum responsible for providing them big exciting Christmas?

I feel like people are being very harsh on here.

YANBU. I think it’s also worth keeping in mind that really this wouldn’t just be an invite to your mum’s for one year. You would be setting a precedent of inviting them every year / every alternate year. I know from personal experience once someone has got used to being invited to your Christmas it’s very hard to ‘uninvite’ even when situations change and it’s not sustainable anymore.

If it would already be a lot of people for your mum to squeeze in and cook for it’s worth considering if your mum’s immediate family / guest list has potential to get even bigger E.g. what if one of your SIL / BIL then wants to invite their parents? Or more grandchildren are born? Or the children grow up and therefore take up more space and more food needs to be cooked?

Have you got room for an overnight stay for MIL and SIL ? If so why not take the pressure off everyone and all of you ..both families go out to have a fab lunch at a pub then you all spend together your mum has a rest too and MIL can stay overnight at yours ..win win every way round.