Why do people assume that those who potty train late are ‘lazy’ parents?

[gobshite23]

I’m not talking about those who genuinely can’t be bothered and send their kids to school in nappies so the teachers can do it. That’s obviously wrong.

But both of my kids were over 3 when they were trained. Had a few attempts before that but with both kids its was clear they weren’t ready and got upset so I left it.

I posted here for advice and was told I was lazy and cruel for leaving it so late. For context my dd was three in May so not especially late imo. But she did get it within a couple of days and 2 weeks on we have had no accidents at all.

To me it actually makes more sense to wait until they are a bit older and understand what they need to do and why. It made it a lot easier for all of us.

The problem is more with our society, the media and the nappy companies pushing us to use their products. Obviously the fact that women now work outside the home will have an impact too. This means that children who would have been clean well before 2 are now only starting to be 'trained' after 3. Which yes I think is a shame personally. For them, for us as a society and the environmental impact.

I got all mine (4) out of nappies between 18months and 2. It would have been late by my grandmother's standard but I was working full time and didn't want to put too much pressure on the childminder so wanted to make sure no accidents. Using washable nappies helped and they were all introduced to the potty much earlier. For the main I was only dealing with wet nappies for about 9-12months before taking off the nappies altogether.

Do I judge parents who do it later as lazy? Not particularly, i don't care that much about another individual parents choice. I sometimes judge our society and what we have become but potty training is quite a small issue amongst many others to be honest.
Otherwise i did it that way for me and my children, not for anyone else's approval.

First dd trained at 2. This was the advice in the 90s anyway

ydd started using a potty around 20 months as she observed her older sister and wanted to be like her

How many children have you 'trained' you must be an expert to be so critical?

A cop out? Not sure how you’ve reached that conclusion, surely you’re aware that a parent has to be physically present in order to teach their child something? Not possible if you’re at work. Other dc do have commitments that often involve dashing about with my toddler in tow, so my point was it’s been tricky to find a block of time where we can just stay home and focus on this together.

Doesn’t suggest a lack of effort, suggests a busy lifestyle. If you’re a SAHM you probably have a lot more time and opportunity. Regardless, I still don’t think she’d have been ready any earlier than she was.

Well it’s only “lazy” if you could have done it but haven’t because it was too much effort, surely?

My DS was probably ready around 2yr but I wasn't, so we delayed and at 3yr it only took 2 days. Yeah ok maybe I was 'lazy' in other peoples eyes but fuck it, what difference does it make anyway.

I don’t know anyone who assumes that parents are lazy because a child isn’t toilet trained until 3. My experience - of both child and cat - is that there is little actual “training” required. They just do it when they’re ready. I don’t equate it with any effort on the parents’ part.

I did actually start trying to train DD at 2 years. Didn’t get very far and gave up. She just did it by herself at 2 years 4 months.

My 7 year old autistic son is still in pull ups. He simply will not wee on a toilet. He happily does all his poos on the toilet with one of those seats with steps but cannot do the same for wees. I despair. The school were letting him do a reduced day but want to slowly build up to a full day and are concerned about the fact he is still in pull ups but he also will only poo on the toilet at home so im pretty stuck

I’m all for children (and parents) doing potty training when it works best for them. Usually parents know when the timing is right for their children, and it may be different amongst siblings etc.

BUT

I spent a year teaching Reception and all parents were required to sign a form stating that their children were potty trained when they started. There were a couple with additional needs, so it was expected that they might be behind and would have accidents. No problem.

In a class of 30 at least a THIRD of them were absolutely not trained. I spent so long everyday for over 6 months feeling like all I could manage was a rotation of changing children and scrubbing carpets/furniture. It wasn’t fair on me or any of the other children. I spoke to one parent about it when I repeatedly ran out of clothes for her child and had to keep borrowing from other children and she told me that she assumed it was one of the things I would be teaching him, or that he’d just get it when he saw the others doing it!!

(She would also regularly return the borrowed clothes to other parents unwashed and soiled)

Both my girls were just over 3. I tried earlier but they were not ready, when they were ready they were dry in under a week. No stress on anyone's part. I wasn't lazy my health visitor actually told me to wait till they were ready. I just keeped trying every few months, and if they didn't get it in a few days to wait and try again.

My DTs were ‘trained’ by age 2. No upset involved. That was quite normal among their peers at the time. They started playgroup at 2 3/4 and there were no children in nappies.

Obviously this is totally unacceptable.

My ds was toilet trained long before school but he did have some issues with impacted bowel and in reception would sometimes have issues with leakage. Thankfully our TA was very understanding about it all but I still felt mortified that she was having to occasionally change his pants. I can’t imagine the brass neck of people expecting teachers to fully train their kids and not even cleaning borrowed clothes.

My daughter is 3.5 and at in nappies due to a disability. She's actually completely dry thanks to medication that stops her from weeing and we actually do her catheters on the toilet now, but she has to have a nappy for poohs since it's currently not clear whether she can a) tell when she needs to go before it's actually happening (she sometimes tells us she felt it coming out but most times when she tells us she needs a nappy change she says she didn't feel anytime, just smelled it) and b) can control it. That just for background.

Now my question: Every time I see a thread about toilet training there are people talking about their 2 and 2.5 year olds being fully trained. Even on this thread someone has said they waited until 2 instead of doing at 18 months because then they didn't have to get involved at all - the child could sort out their clothes and wipe independently. Is it really normal and expected for a 2 year old to be able to clean themselves properly? I only have vague memories of my brother being potty trained back in the 90s, probably aged somewhere between 2.5 and 3, and he definitely needed help wiping his bum for a while - I definitely remember a period of him shouting "I've done a pooh" from the bathroom and my mum going to help him get properly cleaned up. I just assumed that was normal. I would expect them to be able to do it by school age, but at 2?

This isn’t a goady question but when you say you weren’t ready what do you mean?

That’s absolutely fine. Having a medical issue or additional needs can’t be helped and I would have never ever had an issue with that. The main part of teaching is wanting to help children!

I think a lot of parents just think that they can get away with it or that they’ll just magically learn in their own time. It’s always super obvious when no attempt has been made to teach them because the children aren’t remotely embarrassed and will happily sit in it until someone notices. The ones who have been taught get upset that they’ve had an accident.

I think lots of early trainers do think their way is the best way and others are just wrong.... obviously not all....that can come across as superiority and nasty.

You asked for opinions, that's mine. Except, it doesn't seem that it's opinions you want; you just want people to reassure you you're not lazy.
I wouldn't say you're lazy, necessarily, but I would maybe say, with your busy lifestyle, you've somewhat got your priorities wrong.
Making sure your child is toilet trained as early as possible should be top of that list.

Two year olds definitely need their bums to be wiped for them after a poo. There is a phase after potty training where they go to the toilet by themselves, but you’re still wiping them after a poo. Then once they’ve got the motor skills and reach, they can manage to do it themselves.

No most 2 year olds don't wipe after a pooh but they can after a wee....and can try after a pooh.

I honestly can’t imagine why anyone wouldn’t get their child out of nappies as early as possible. Cleaner, cheaper, better for the environment..what’s the bonus in doing it later??

That's nasty is empathy not in your skill set? People may have to work full time, they may have caring duties, be responsible for other children who need school.......as long as a child is trained before full time school at 4 there is no evidence to suggest any damage to the child....most trained between 30 and 36/40 months are considered normal not late. They have in my experience fewer regression problems and less constipation and typically seem to need less toilet trips because they haven't been taught to empty their bladder every half an hour.

I’m absolutely fine with opinions, it’s the whole point of a balanced discussion, but if you are happy to give yours then be happy to have it challenged.

I’m not lazy. I know that so the opinion of internet strangers doesn’t bother me. I still despair a bit when I see people being so casually unpleasant though.

Potty training is a necessary part of parenting, we all know it has to be done. But when and how is down to the parent and child. Some people have their reasons to do it as soon as they possibly can, others would rather wait for a time when the child is more ready and able to understand so that the process is easier for everyone. Neither is more superior.

I also don’t think having to work means my priorities are wrong 😂 potty training is important but so is being able to provide food and shelter for your dc.

Always happy to have my opinions challenged. However, you asked the question: 'Why do people assume that those who potty train late are lazy parents?' I simply answered the question.
You do you. I personally would not have a child in nappies at that age.

I hate people saying 'you should be toilet training your child as early as possible' because I tied myself up in knots trying to get DS potty trained - the huge lengths i went to and the effort I put into it were frankly ridiculous. All thanks to pressure from nasty, judgemental people like you. I thought I was a failure.

DS was much later diagnosed with ASD and I really wish i hadn't listened to ignorant people like you.

Thank you. I was starting to think I was completely clueless! I'm currently expecting number 2 and I'm actually looking forward to potty training in a couple of years - it will be so nice not to deal with nappies anymore at some point. By then we'll have hopefully figured out a way for my daughter to be "socially continent" at least.