Why do people assume that those who potty train late are ‘lazy’ parents?

[gobshite23]

I’m not talking about those who genuinely can’t be bothered and send their kids to school in nappies so the teachers can do it. That’s obviously wrong.

But both of my kids were over 3 when they were trained. Had a few attempts before that but with both kids its was clear they weren’t ready and got upset so I left it.

I posted here for advice and was told I was lazy and cruel for leaving it so late. For context my dd was three in May so not especially late imo. But she did get it within a couple of days and 2 weeks on we have had no accidents at all.

To me it actually makes more sense to wait until they are a bit older and understand what they need to do and why. It made it a lot easier for all of us.

I think this gets contentious really quickly unfortunately. I guess my absolutely honest answer '"If I weren't afraid of hurting your feelings", as they say on social media these days - is that a huge amount of kids are ready at 2 and that we underestimate them. I think most 2 year old (2-2.5, that is) are aware they are soiling themselves and could learn quite quickly if the parent tried. Once they reach this milestone it suddenly seemed wrong to keep the nappies on.

I think a lot of it (maybe not all, but certainly a significant amount) comes down to different children, though? Rather than some sort of superior parenting. And I’m sure this is the case for lots of other things too - “good” eaters and sleepers, for example.

My son potty trained at 2y5m. Cracked it quickly as most of his nursery peers were already trained, and I’d been delaying due to having a new baby. Never had an accident at home and never had a poo accident. Still, at just turned 4y, not dry at night.

Little sister self- initiated potty training a fortnight ago at 2y1m. I had hoped to wait a bit longer as I have a newborn, plus I thought it might be easier (lazy!) - but she instantly got it and had been dry at night since day one. I’ve not done anything differently - they are just different kids!

I think it’s down to understanding (which can vary massively from child to child) and method used. I did the two day method with my DD and we had no accidents and she was under two.

I don't think it's lazy, just a bit strange. But loads of my friends trained around 3 and I never thought ill of them, or superior that I'd done it earlier. Of course, I had plenty of mums telling me 2 and a bit years was ridiculously late!! And my granny of course telling me my mum, aunt and uncle were trained day and night by 12 months...

Because what child wants to sit in a wet or shitty nappy when they don’t need to. It’s not rocket science. And lets face if, kids haven’t changed over the last 50 years, so it’s some other reason why kids are toilet trained later isn’t it?

We left it late. I'm also a pretty "lazy" parent. Did it at 3, was done in 2 weeks. No stress, no drama, just clicked and done. Honestly we waited until they were at home over summer, for consistency. Makes no difference to me or my DC and I don't care about anyone else making judgements on that. It isn't something we pushed with either child. I'm not going to do it earlier and make more work for myself and my child, just going with the flow 😁 they wanted them in nappies at nursery unless they were fully toilet trained so that definitely had an impact.

I suppose it could also come down to changes in society - women in our grandmothers era perhaps wouldn’t work and have more time to dedicate towards it. Between FT work, nursery, other dc commitments it is hard to find the time to stay home and really nail it which is, in my experience, what they need at least for a few days. Life is a lot busier these days and I guess our grannies probably had to handwash cloth nappies too which is a great incentive to want them out of them!

I do agree it’s down to the individual child I just don’t see why so many people have to get judgey and unpleasant about it. Lazy and cruel are not nice or helpful things to call another mother.

Advice I was offered once was to wait until they are ready. If you try and they are not getting it, wait a bit and try again.

made sense to me and it was a breeze, no potty needed. Took a while longer to get DS2 to poo on the toilet and not in a nappy but he cracked it in the end.

Having said that, children are different. They learn at different rates. It’s just luck. If you are putting it off when they are ready, that is laziness.

DD1 decided at 2 years 10 months she didn’t want to wear nappies and that was that. One day of accidents and then done.

I was therefore waiting for DD2 to do the same (so perhaps you could call that lazy, but why put yourself through the stress if you don’t need to!), but by 3.3 I realised she probably wasn’t going to and she too got it in a day.

DC3 we trained at 3.1. It was a very traumatic Easter weekend of bribing him to sit on the potty and he genuinely didn’t seem to have a clue if he needed to go or not and didn’t care at all if he wet himself. Luckily he got poos as wees were traumatic enough. I literally begged nursery to take him and help on day 5 and he did get it eventually. Touch wood he is now trained and is now dry overnight at 3.4 which his sisters weren’t.

I cannot imagine why anyone would want to train a child like DC3 younger and go through weeks / months of accidents. It’s not impacting anyone else a child being in nappies at 3.

Oh god I totally agree with you.

My friend “trained” her dd when she turned 2. I say “trained” because she was chasing her around with a potty and asking if she needed a wee every 5 minutes for about a year. I started feeling the pressure when ds1 (same age as friend’s dd) was 2.5. Tried twice over a couple of months and both times it was a disaster. Left it for a few months as was heavily pregnant and tried it again just after he turned 3. I was on maternity leave, he got the gist of it within a week. I wish I had just waited the first time.

With ds2 I’d wised up by then and waited until the May half term after his 3rd birthday. Took the week off (also for childcare for him and ds1) and potty trained him then. Easy as pie. I think he got it within about 2 days. Preschool staff were so shocked when I took him back in and told them I’d trained him and even more shocked when he never had any accidents!

Even now I have a friend who has been struggling with potty training her 3 year old for well over a year. I don’t say anything obviously but I just wonder if it is really worth the stress, all the people I know who have ongoing accidents with their kids are the ones who started early.

I’m sure people will come along and tell you that back in the 90s kids were ALL trained by the age of 18 months. That just isn’t true 🤷‍♀️ my mum said she tried to potty train me at age 2 and it was hopeless but I got it at age 3.

It’s not laziness but imo you do need to have a parent who is willing to take a few days off work to stay at home and crack it then, and also I was quite firm with my two and pressed the point that nappies were for babies, apart from at bedtime. Any accidents they had to help clean up. Both of mine would have quite happily stayed in nappies if given the choice because they didn’t want to stop what they were doing to go to the toilet. IMO, IF they are ready they will crack it within a week and if not then you should park it for a few more weeks.

That's great, I'm jealous. My son once wet himself sitting at the top of a slide at softplay.

My son has pretty much got used to the potty now but my husband won't get on board with the no nappies situation. When you're not on the same page it's difficult to get anything done.

Because its dirty, gross and bad for the environment to leave children in nappies any later than they need to be.

Yes it's hard work, yes toddlers might be stubborn and get upset about it but since when did we let 2 year olds decide what was good for them??

Its not a myth that children used to be out of nappies earlier. The vast majority did, there's lots of evidence. It was not easy to get them out of nappies, but people did manage it.

I tried my dd when she was 2 and it made it harder. She finally cracked it at 3 and 4 months but started withholding poo and I’m sure that was something to do with trying her too early. It was a nightmare tbf

Daughter was 18mo, son was 3 but horrendous at night for yeeears.

I'm now a childminder and my pet hate is: child turns two, HV tells them they must be potty trained, child turns up to me in pants after a day...

I put it off 'til they were just 3 (twins). Combination of laziness, avoidance, a house move and other priorities.
It was a no drama transition, with only one wee on the floor and life moved on. 😀

I've never really understood the race to do it either. I got a bit caught up in it with my first and everyone in our little group was whipping out the potty at 20 months, multiple changes of clothes and running to the toilet etc. I spent a frustrating week doing the same but DS never really caught on. Gave it a rest, everyone else fought the good fight for a few more weeks / months with accidents here and there but I suppose eventually they got it. But me and DS much happier in nappies - then, at 3 we tried again and he got it literally in 24 hours, no accidents, no tears, off we go.

Didn't even try with my other DC until they were well and truly ready, all past 3

But where is the benefit in doing it early

Seriously? They get to stop wetting and soiling themselves 8 times a day and having a heavy, soggy plastic nappy hanging off their bum.

Masses of nappies (hundreds per month) going to landfill. Or if you are using washables, masses of electricity, detergent and water to wash them, plus wear and tear on the machine.

Well, on the bigger picture level disposable nappies are not good for the environment.

that’s a big benefit of training early, much fewer nappies going to landfill.

not really a benefit for the child or the parents as such though.

saves money I guess.

I agree with this.

Because 50 years ago they'd have been sitting in a cold, wet terry-towelling nappy rather than now when the wee is wicked away from their skin. Pampas etc are just too comfortable. And parents had the incentive to train them earlier so they didn't have the performance of dealing with the soiled towelling nappies!

Some parents do leave it late because they are lazy but that's not the case for every parent who trains late. Some kid's are are just not ready.

I potty trained all 3 of my boys just after there 2nd birthday. There was no way I wanted to be changing 3 year olds dirty nappies unless necessary. It was fairly straight forward.

People also are completely unrealistic about young childrens toileting independence as well. They will claim 2 year old "wasn't ready" because they needed:

• reminders/prompting
• help wiping or with clothes

If you waited until they never needed prompting some boys wouldn't be "ready" till about puberty.

A child is still toilet trained if the caregiver is reminding, or using strategies like prompting a group of kids to go before meals or activities. I think a lot of parents these days want to wait until they simply don't have to think about reminding/helping the child at all.

There are very obvious benefits to training them younger. No more nappies is cheaper and better for the environment. Plus child doesn’t have to sit in their own wee/ poo waiting for a change.

My DD potty trained herself at 18 months, though I had introduced the potty at 6 months and sat her on it after every nappy change and nap. She had 2 accidents and that was it. Dry day and night.

My DS I started at 2 exactly, again had been sitting him on the potty since 6 months, and he was dry within a week. Only problem I had with him is he wouldn’t initiate wees, but as long as I told him to go every 3 hours it was fine. Finally got the initiation part at 3. I am very glad I did get the idea of going to the potty into him early as he is such a stubborn 3 year old I think introducing it late would have been very hard work.

And for both of mine it has made their bowel movements more regular as they think about it when they sit down for a wee.

I don’t judge other parents in a negative way for not potty training earlier, just think they are making their lives harder than necessary and spending more money!

TBH MN is weird - any time I had issues with my DC potty training people would say oh just wait, they'll do it when they're older, don't worry.

They were all late - DS1 was somewhere past 3 but before 3y3m when he started nursery. DS2 was 3y8m though he does have SEN, DS3 was the youngest, he did it about a week after turning 3, the accidental life hack was that we ended up combining the first day of letting him loose in underwear with moving house. We were too busy to hover and stress over him and he did brilliantly.

I have to say also DS2 was the quickest and easiest to potty train because he just decided he was ready and had about two accidents ever, the others were a PITA with lots of back and forth before they finally got it.