Why do people assume that those who potty train late are ‘lazy’ parents?

[gobshite23]

I’m not talking about those who genuinely can’t be bothered and send their kids to school in nappies so the teachers can do it. That’s obviously wrong.

But both of my kids were over 3 when they were trained. Had a few attempts before that but with both kids its was clear they weren’t ready and got upset so I left it.

I posted here for advice and was told I was lazy and cruel for leaving it so late. For context my dd was three in May so not especially late imo. But she did get it within a couple of days and 2 weeks on we have had no accidents at all.

To me it actually makes more sense to wait until they are a bit older and understand what they need to do and why. It made it a lot easier for all of us.

I started training both dds at just after 2 - having read that they weren’t physiologically ready until then.
It took just a week both times. But I had been berated by a (non Brit neighbour) for not starting at 12 months!

If there were no SN, people did in the past train earlier - often a lot earlier - since washing and drying nappies - very often with no automatic washing machine and certainly no tumble drier - was an awful lot more trouble than picking up disposable nappies at the supermarket.

I understand all of this. I was merely answering OP's original question about why people assume that parents who train late are lazy.

That’s fine. Your kids, your choice. You’re not really offering any other viewpoint though - just ‘this is my opinion, I personally wouldn’t do it.’ So it’s not much of a discussion, rather than a series of opinions/facts with no reasoning or explanation behind them.

Thanks for your insightful input though.

Respectfully, that's because it's a topic that I don't feel requires much discussion. I've just explained why people think that parents who train late are lazy. There don't need to be any 'reasons'. People can - and will - just think it.
If you genuinely don't care what strangers on the internet think, I'm not really sure why you asked the question. If you're confident in your parenting choices, doesn't matter what other people think.

When mine were little (now over 40), they went to playgroup but couldn't go auntil they used the toilet! Potty was always in the toilet. DD decided to use a potty on Boxing Day before 2 years old in front of a room full of people. Got lots of claps and praise. She was dry and clean for that day only until she decided to use the potty just after her 2nd birthday. Dry and clean from that day on. Son would only use potty when my friend came round. Her daughter was dry and used the potty all the time! He was about 30 months old before he was clean and dry.

You’ve literally put in your OP that some parents “can’t be bothered”. That’s why people think it’s lazy - the same reason that you think it’s lazy.

It’s not a coincidence that when nappies were harder work than potty training due to lack of washing machines and good drying facilities then it was lazier do potty training as early as practical so that’s what people did. Now it’s easier to buy disposables than bother potty training so it’s lazy to delay.

Kids aren’t so different now than they were 100 years ago. There isn’t a physiological reason why huge swathes of 3/4/5 year olds are “not ready”. People delay it because it’s easier for them to.

It amazes me that most parents are itching for their child to reach all the age milestones, like teeth coming in, crawling, walking, sleeping through etc and yet when it comes to getting them out of nappies it’s almost a race to the bottom - ‘my dc were still in nappies until they were 5 but then it took half a day for toilet training’. That’s not the argument you think it is.
The vast majority of children are ready to toilet train around 24 months. Some earlier, some later. Having a go at this age is a good measure of how ready they are. If after a few days it’s a complete failure then wait another few months and try again. No big deal. I’ve met many a parent who believes their child will just toilet train themselves though 😂

The problem in these discussions is the complete inability of some people to see beyond their own circumstances and imagine that other people might be in different situations with different children.

Example - I think people who drive their children to school are lazy and there's no excuse for not walking or, if you have to, getting public transport. There's no excuse for lazy parents clogging up the streets with cars on the school-run.

My situation - I live in an urban area with safe pedestrian routes and excellent public transport where catchment areas are tiny and most people live under a mile from their child's school.

So you can see why I might think that parents who drive their kids to school are lazy.

But when I say this to people, they may respond with:

• We live rurally along country lanes and there's no pavement.
• I have to drop my child at school and drive to work for 9am so there's no time to walk there and come back for the car.
• My child's school is 5 miles from our house.
• My child has hypermobility which causes intermittent join pain and so sometimes can't manage the 15 minute walk to school.

I might stick to my original opinion and insist that most parents driving their kids to school are still lazy. But given my point of view is neither informed nor reasonable, but rather narrow-minded and intolerant, why would anyone care what I think? Some opinions aren't worth caring about.

I think the most that can sensibly be said about this topic is that, barring any additional needs or other issues which make potty-training trickier, ideally most children would be trained between 2-4 at a time that works for them so that they don't start school in nappies. And that where this isn't possible, some families may be in need of further support/guidance, but ultimately there may be some children for whom this was never going to be achievable for various reasons and they and their parents should be treated compassionately and non-judgmentally.

It’s not a coincidence that when nappies were harder work than potty training due to lack of washing machines and good drying facilities then it was lazier do potty training as early as practical so that’s what people did. Now it’s easier to buy disposables than bother potty training so it’s lazy to delay.

In the past, some people also shamed young children who had accidents or put soiled sheets over their heads as a punishment. Carers were often grumpy and cross when children had accidents and would call them 'naughty' or 'dirty'. Personally, I think it's a good thing to have disposables and other resources which reduce parenting stress - stressed parents often take their stress out on their children. Reducing parental stress reduces neglect and abuse of children.

Some people don’t stay at home long enough and then say their child wasn’t ready because they are having accidents. Most families have to have two parents working these days and they don’t want to use their annual leave for it so they leave it until the child basically trains by default.

Yes as you say, each child is different. So why also leap to condemning parents of late developers as lazy.

All children are different and some will be easier to potty train than others, even if there's no disability some children just struggle more and take longer.

After reading through this thread I think that people who had children that picked it up quickly and easily at the age of 2 just refuse to believe that all children can't do it at 2 if there's no disability. Because they haven't had the experience of potty training a child that took longer to stop having accidents or got really stressed out etc..

My son was toilet trained by 3 years old before he started nursery, I just about did it in time for this but he still had accidents for ages. (More at nursery than at home, because I am not a lazy parent and I was on the ball monitoring my child and knowing when to take him to the toilet probably.)
And he was still in pull ups at night for a long time after he was toilet trained during the day, literally years longer. Tried occasionally to take the pull ups away and he'd just wet the bed a couple of nights in a row before we said sod it and he continued in pull ups a bit longer. I was told the gp won't do anything until they are 7 and he was dry at night a year or so before 7. He has no disability, just couldn't crack that particular milestone with ease.

My niece was completely dry in one weekend when she was 2.5, day and night. I truly don't believe the vast difference had anything to do with my potty training skills as a parent, they are just different children.

Absolutely this. The voice of reason!

I don’t care personally because I recognise that those who judge in this way are a bit silly. They don’t know the circumstances of other families or the needs/struggles of their children. However I do think in the spirit of being a decent person people just shouldn’t be so cruel.

I was just handling a lot at that time - house move, building works, and a very very poor-sleeping / tantrum-y DS. Once the works were over I felt I had a bit more energy & headspace to tackle it!

The downside to them being older is that they could be more obstinate.
I think 2 - 2.5 is ideal ( whenever the summer is after their second birthday). They’re old enough to understand and be pleased with themselves

It's why I did it at 18 months. He was too young to argue back! 😂

He'll be 3 in December and I think would be much harder to train if I had to do it now because he's far more opinionated now.

See maybe that's part of it All mine were trained around their 3 Rd birthdays. BUT none of them could say more than half a dozen words at 2.5 so hardly chatty. Not sure how they'd be able to tell me that needed the toilet at just turned 2 before they could speak???

And tbh I never used a potty. Straight into the toilet for tgem

Children can communicate before they can speak. You knew if they were hungry or tired before they could speak too.

1954 advice

It does also say to strap them to the potty..

It's really strange, in all other areas of development it is widely acceptable that children develop at their own pace but in a broadly consistent pattern and we have quiet wide rages of what is normal development yet talk potty training and for many that goes out the window. This whole bomb blew up when schools found 5 year olds with no developmental issues starting school which has been misinterpreted as children must be trained before 3. The EYFS ages and stages developmental charts before all ages were removed was that most children achieve potty training between 18 and 40 months.
You wouldn't say a parent is lazy or bad because their child didn't walk at the lower age guidelines potty training is no different.
We imo should also consider if your putting a 9 month old on a potty every 20 minutes what are you stopping them from doing developmentally?

My son was 18 months and soon picked up the words ''wee'' and ''poo'' too.

I feel the same. I don’t understand why you would purposely force a child out of nappies for them to then end up wetting themselves or pooing themselves several times a day just because they are 2 years old. Then they get upset and frustrated because they are wet. If it takes weeks or months to potty train a child, they aren’t ready. My friend is currently doing it with her 2 year old and the kid is literally crapping and weeing everywhere - I’m talking under the table, in the garden like a dog, pissing on the sofa. What is the point, her child is clearly too young to understand the concept of what she is trying to achieve but she’s doing it because it summer as she doesn’t want to be bothered in the winter. I know there are other 2 year olds who get it very quickly but every child is different.

I posted earlier but my son was between 3 and 3 1/2 when he was potty trained. He was wearing pull ups before that and was dry both day and night for about 6 months before. We tried to potty train earlier and as soon as we put proper underwear on he wet himself and got really upset by it despite being consistently dry in pull ups. I also did everything you do so I certainly wasn’t taking a lazy approach either.

Babies used to be toiled trained much, much earlier. They are generally capable.

eric.org.uk/why-are-children-potty-training-later/