Why do people assume that those who potty train late are ‘lazy’ parents?

[gobshite23]

I’m not talking about those who genuinely can’t be bothered and send their kids to school in nappies so the teachers can do it. That’s obviously wrong.

But both of my kids were over 3 when they were trained. Had a few attempts before that but with both kids its was clear they weren’t ready and got upset so I left it.

I posted here for advice and was told I was lazy and cruel for leaving it so late. For context my dd was three in May so not especially late imo. But she did get it within a couple of days and 2 weeks on we have had no accidents at all.

To me it actually makes more sense to wait until they are a bit older and understand what they need to do and why. It made it a lot easier for all of us.

I did 3 for all 3 of mine. Made the whole process much quicker and they went from nappies to dry bath day and night v quickly. It meant we bypassed the endless offering potty/accidents stage. People were a bit judgy including the checkout woman at the supermarket when I was buying nappies- she got very short shrift from me. It’s not laziness- it’s common sense. Obviously not the same as leaving until school age.

But that’s the whole point isn’t it. Some do need to wear nappies for longer. Nobody is looking at a newborn or a 6 month old and thinking it’s ‘gross’ because we accept they don’t have the capacity to learn that skill at that age. And it takes each child different amounts of time to reach the age that they are capable.

I don’t mind people offering their thoughts, that’s the whole point of a discussion. I do find some attitudes quite sad though.

@legoplaybook Agreed. And a myth perpetrated on this thread by anecdotes of piss all over the carpets should you dare do it before 2.5.

I am snoozing with my chatty, bright, independent toddler who was toilet trained with zero dramas just before 2. We always had the potty in the bathroom. It wasn’t scary or a big deal. Can’t imagine denying her the dignity of using the toilet for a whole year in case I got a few wet pairs of leggings along the way.

Most preschools allow children who aren't potty trained to start. I would kick up a right fuss if my child wasn't allowed to start because they aren't potty trained.

We didn't train dd until shortly after her 3rd birthday. It was a bit later than some of her peers, for no particular reason other than that I couldn't really be arsed with it any earlier. So maybe I was lazy about it but so what? It didn't do her any harm.

The positive thing about waiting was that she had cracked it within 24 hours and we had no accidents after that. I had friends who started at 2 who were still dealing with accidents many months later, so not really sure what they gained from starting any earlier. It isn't a race.

Do what you think is right for your child and don't worry what other people think. So what if they think you're lazy for waiting. Their opinion doesn't matter.

This is so true. DD is 4 in October & still isn’t completely dry. She has a rare genetic condition that may or may not be contributing, but no one knows that so just thinks we are lazy/late. I discussed it with the HV today who was completely un phased & said it’s not a concern at this age. I think the people who shout the loudest about the parents being lazy are the noisy minority & the rest of us have been shamed into silence.

It feels lazy because you were wasting money on nappies (not to mention the landfill) when the child would have been ready a year earlier, poor kid. Done and dusted in two days, they must've been desperate!

2 year olds do have the capacity to learn that skill though, it's not generally about when the child is capable, it's what the parent thinks will be easier.

Couldn't get lazier than my version. DD2 was long and skinny, so what fitted her best were pullups and had done since she was about 14 months old. Once she got to around 2 and a half, they were frequently dry and she was used to sitting on the toilet whilst I got her ten million bath toys ready, not intentionally doing anything, just sitting there. She decided that as the cat didn't use nappies but had her own potty (litter tray), she'd use her potty or the toilet from then on. Few weeks later, the pullups were dry at night too, so we stopped using them altogether.

So yeah, lazy. I let the cat do the hard work, although like many cats, she did seem to think that using the litter tray was supposed to be a shared experience - but out of all the things that were stressful in my life at the time, it was probably the least stressful thing of all.

If people are that bothered about landfill you’d think they’d be using reusables?

Eldest dd was over 3. She had one accident and that was it. I know I’m not lazy. If somebody else thinks I was that’s up to them. Part of becoming a parent is learning to ignore the judgement of others.

@gobshite23

I would kick up a right fuss if my child wasn't allowed to start because they aren't potty trained.
I think it's more attitudes like this, that piss people off. Especially now as so many kids are now starting school in nappies, which in the majority of the cases is because it's been left too late and the teachers end up training them. After a certain age, it shouldn't be people's problem (ie teachers) to deal with. 3 is ok, but the latest, it would also start to get embarrassing for the childless surely.

😂 😂 😂

We thought we'd try this with kid 2 (kid 1 we tried potty training aiming around lock downs. It took a while) recently. Just before his second birthday.

Yeah.. he is not ready. Or even that aware he is about to wee/ poo. We will try again soon, as it's easier when the weather is better - but if they are not ready there's only so much you can do.

But I did try it earlier and it was met with tantrums, tears and withholding. No need for the faux confusion and ‘poor kid’ comments - I followed her lead and she cracked it quickly because we left it until a time when she was ready.

Maybe if I’d had persevered at the first or second attempt she would have got there quicker but I wasn’t willing to distress her and create negative connotations with the potty. That’s not laziness.

I didn't know there was a late time but either way twin 3 yr olds and a 4 and all were trained days by 2 and nights before 3rd birthdays.. none liked potty they had there own toilet seats and step and now just take themselves and shout when need help

A lot of kids start school nursery when they are only just three. I think it is a lot less usual for children in reception to need nappies/ pull ups.

When you delve into outraged articles about this, they're often talking about nursery aged children. So just turned 3 as entrance to school nursery is based on the term after their third birthday not the school year.

My cousin is a school teacher, and children are starting school in nappies. 5 year olds, it's a growing epidemic.

I was absolutely bemused by friends chasing their toddlers around with potties for months on end, spending hours scrubbing rugs and carpets after daily accidents, just to meet some self imposed milestone "early"

This wasn't my experience at all.....Did both just shy of their 2nd birthdays and was not "chasing toddlers around with potties for months on end". I would say it took 2-3 weeks for accidents to largely stop. They were in childcare do you think anyone would have put up with constant accidents on the floor? There were occasional accidents but this usually mean a damp spot in knickers notcertainly not daily puddles!

I will be honest though that it required attention and organisation from me. They did need prompting and help wiping. If it had been a couple of hours since they last went, and they were absorbed in play, yes, I needed to notice it had been a couple of hours and take them to the loo whether they liked it or not. They needed sensible clothes they could get down quickly, and they did need a loo or potty reasonably close by - they couldn't hold it more than a few minutes, so i didn't expect them to wait for a 30 minute car journey to finish before going. I just had a carry potty and chose sensible activities with convenient loos etc. Pretty standard when you have a toddler.

Agree. Kids develop at different ages.

Ha you obviously didn't read my post that my child is just starting a neurodiversity assessment and it has been recommended to leave potty training until they have settled at the preschool. Of course it isn't entitlement. It would be discrimination. How embarrassing of you.

Yes, DS2 was one week past 3 when he said he wanted to wear pants now. Easiest potty training ever. No accidents, he just made the change himself. DS1 trained at 2 years 3 months but it was very clear that it was not working with DS2 at that age. It was nursery staff who told me to leave it until DS2 was older.

Because late potty training is a fad. 40 years ago it wasn't unusual to start working on it at 1 1/2. Now there are plenty of 3 1/2 year olds still wearing nappies.

It's all linked to the gentle parenting thing. Not that I'm saying late potty training parents are all gentle parents. But it's very much the childs agenda, rather than a societal agenda.

Most children would eat sweets rather than food, but we don't let them. A lot of children would wear nappies until they were 4 or 5 if we let them. It has to be a balance. And at times is IS lazy / weak to leave potty training because it's hard. It's hard keeping them off screens. It's hard enforcing a healthy diet. It's hard teaching them to read. Ride a bike. Swim. But we do it.

Absolutely, trained at 2 years 8 months and she got it in a day. One accident only.

Three months previously, we tried for a day because we needed to get a wee sample for the doctors, and she wasn't getting it, so rather than keep flogging a dead horse to her distress and ours, we just held off and tried again a bit later, once she'd started showing an interest in her friends at nursery coming out of nappies and into pants.

No way was I going to distress her and make a totally unnecessary rod for my own back just to people please others who might make snide comments about being lazy. I don't care what others think, if they gossip and judge that says more about them than me. You get bitchy sorts with nothing else to occupy them everywhere, but it's foolish to run your life around their bitching.