Why do people assume that those who potty train late are ‘lazy’ parents?

[gobshite23]

I’m not talking about those who genuinely can’t be bothered and send their kids to school in nappies so the teachers can do it. That’s obviously wrong.

But both of my kids were over 3 when they were trained. Had a few attempts before that but with both kids its was clear they weren’t ready and got upset so I left it.

I posted here for advice and was told I was lazy and cruel for leaving it so late. For context my dd was three in May so not especially late imo. But she did get it within a couple of days and 2 weeks on we have had no accidents at all.

To me it actually makes more sense to wait until they are a bit older and understand what they need to do and why. It made it a lot easier for all of us.

My son finally let me potty train him 2 weeks before 3rd birthday! Flat out refused to sit on a potty or toilet before that. Started nursery 2 years 3 months, just as Covid restrictions lifted in 2021, I went back to work full time, first priority was getting rid of the dummy, nursery said no big changes as he settled in, said bye to dummy a month or so after nursery started...then just as he was about to turn 3 I bought the fisher price potty that sings when they pee in it... finally he was interested!

Nailed it in a couple of days, wanted rid of his nighttime pull up a week or so later, he was so ready and it wasn't stressful at all. Never been a bed wetter!

Totally believe every kid is different and to follow their lead... he wouldn't have had to language at 2 to communicate needing the toilet!

What's the benefit to the child of doing it super early?

Not having to wear nappies and have poo/wee smushed up against their skin?

Is it? I hear lots of third hand comments like this on social media - but it's not something I have seen in my son's school. It is not something friends and family members have seen regularly (with their children, but also as primary school teachers - including a headteacher in a deprived area).

Nursery - 3 year olds absolutely. Reception, some 4 year.olds for the first half term, virtually none by Christmas break. And a couple of children with additional learning needs.

The point is it ISN'T super early. It used to be the norm. It's a current fad doing it late.

The same benefit as all the other developmental things.

Equally, we could say what is the benefit of teaching a child to read early. Or swim.

I think this is why you're meant to do it close to 2 because then they don't get all these hang ups, it's easier for them to grasp it because it's just the new normal. Like training a puppy I suppose, toilet training a dog is probably much harder or impossible (I assume!)

Given that even really young babies can notice and communicate when they need to wee or poo, it's really strange that so many 2 year olds apparently can't. My oldest 2 DC potty trained before 2 in the "normal" way and we're both dry and clean within a week. My youngest I just couldn't face dirty nappies again so used a potty from around 4 weeks (based on my grandmother's advice). Youngest was out of nappies by 18 months, and didn't do dirty nappies at all, really.

Leaving it until 3 is just cultural and definitely pushed by disposable nappy marketing. In other countries it's very common to potty train much earlier.

modern nappies they don't feel wet, obviously poos should be changed straight away and poo flushed! I'd have loved to potty train earlier but had a very stubborn child.

Gosh, did you leave yours sitting in wet/poo-filled nappies? I always changed mine pronto.

I think it's actually more prominent in affluent areas, from what she's told me. Which probably makes sense.

She didn't have any hangups. Just didn't get that she was meant to wee in the potty. But three months later got it immediately. I'm so glad we waited. It was the right time for her.

Erm no. I am just pointing out I am not entitled and that I would be very annoyed if my child was unable to go to preschool because he was not potty trained which in some ways could be attributed to ND which they are being assessed for. Not my fault you didn't read my previous post and save yourself some embarrassment before you posted.

Omg why is this even a conversation? Of course you’re not lazy. Wait until the child is ready and then you’re done within a very short window. Neither of ours had a poo in pants incident. I think one had a wee in pants and the other had a handful. Both were fully trained at 3 before pre school. No drama.

DS is 19, he was trained just before 3. The UK fashion was 3-3.5 then but we were going to live in the US for a short while and the nursery room he was joining was for 3-4 year olds who could use the toilet/potty. When we got there the first thing I saw was a boy having an accident and I discovered that pull ups were acceptable.

Fashions change, when I was a child it was common to be trained as soon as you could walk

with both kids its was clear they weren’t ready and got upset so I left it.

I hate to break it to you, but doing things your kids don’t like in order to prioritise their best interests is generally how it goes as a parent. If you left everything until they were “ready” and weren’t prepared to try anything that upset them, by the teenage years you’ll end up with bored, boring spoilt brats.

Youngest is ten, when we were potty training all the books I read said no way to do it before 2 and that 3 was a good age. Saying that so much has changed, I got thoroughly jumped on here for saying we were advised you wait until they’re dry at night before you begin because it shows they have some control. It all worked for us but I know better methods etc do come up

Even if you do it pronto, it's not nice is it? Would you like to wear a nappy and shit yourself?

But it's dumb and pointless. Why would you even bring that up? It's like if we were talking about children who can't be bothered walking and then you say yours can't because it has a broken leg. What is the adding to the discussion? I could go on, but I don't want to derail.

I get that. When me and my sister were born in the mid-70s, my mother took great pride in having us out of nappies well before 18 months. This was largely because otherwise she had to launder buckets of smelly Terry cloth nappies. I'd have been champing at the bit to do it as early as possible in her shoes, too!

It was motivated by convenience, rather than our needs (much as it was dressed up as being for our benefit - though with cloth nappies perhaps there was a bit of that too, tbf), and we both had frequent accidents for months afterwards, so in my view weren't ready. The odd accident, fair enough, but daily accidents? Nah.

And certainly our understanding of child development is a lot better now than it was then. Yet we tend to train later now.

Does it?

How do?

I don’t think this really applies here though does it. My dd hates brushing her teeth but I’m firm with that and always have been. She’d prefer sweets over an evening meal but again I don’t allow it. Because ultimately these things are going to be detrimental to their health.

Being in nappies for a few extra months isn’t going to damage them. It’s not the ‘gross disgusting’ thing people are making out either if they are changed regularly.

It’s not even about gentle parenting or letting them dictate what they want to do. It’s just about making a tricky transition as smooth and painless for everyone involved.

I'm in my 50s, not 2! So quite different.

I wonder if you think I'm advocating holding children back? I'm not, I'm advocating doing it when they're ready. Not to some arbitrary timetable of the parent's devising, just to make the parent feel good (we all know those parents who are desperate for their kids to race through milestones and be first), or to avoid people judging. It should be child-led.

I'll let you connect the dots 😉

By child-led, I mean when they are developmentally ready, not necessarily waiting for them to say they want to do it.

The point is, they develop at different rates. Parents doing it 'later' compared to previous generations isn't necessarily being lazy. It can be that the parents are meeting their child's needs.

What does when they're ready mean though?
The majority of children with no additional needs can be out of nappies at around 2-2.5. What's the benefit in leaving them in nappies an extra year?