Why do people assume that those who potty train late are ‘lazy’ parents?

[gobshite23]

I’m not talking about those who genuinely can’t be bothered and send their kids to school in nappies so the teachers can do it. That’s obviously wrong.

But both of my kids were over 3 when they were trained. Had a few attempts before that but with both kids its was clear they weren’t ready and got upset so I left it.

I posted here for advice and was told I was lazy and cruel for leaving it so late. For context my dd was three in May so not especially late imo. But she did get it within a couple of days and 2 weeks on we have had no accidents at all.

To me it actually makes more sense to wait until they are a bit older and understand what they need to do and why. It made it a lot easier for all of us.

My second was a nightmare. Got weeing quite early but not poo. Constant accidents and it all got very distressing for everyone concerned. We were to the wire with starting school but all came good just in time. She did have chronic constipation through most of early childhood and still has gastrointestinal issues unless she avoids gluten. All children are different.

I think it's because people potty trained younger in the past? But all that pissing everywhere never happened for us and we waited until after 3. So I guess it worked out well

Currently in the trenches toilet training DD who will be 2 this month. Wasn’t our ‘plan’ as wanted to wait until she was settled in next room at nursery but she has FOMO and they have a few TT at the moment so we are running with it as don’t want to miss the opportunity!

We potty trained at 2 and a half mainly because it was Covid times and we were stuck at home so thought why not. She got it in a few days and went straight to the toilet. A lot of people will leave it to the summer time when they've time off work to tackle it properly.

I don’t get it OP I’m not sure why it actually matters as long as they’re sorted before school? We started at 2.5 and dc got it in 1.5 days, then no accidents since. Easiest thing I’ve done. SO glad we didn’t start earlier. I’ve heard from so many mums who started early, it was a nightmare and then gave up and had to come back to it a few months later. I’m not sure what the point was of them doing that ie starting early. Just so they can say they’re not lazy?? No one so far on this thread has actually explained why it’s lazy other than saying yes it’s lazy. I can’t think of a reason.

Also agree. Pretty much everyone I know trained some time within the 18 months - 2.5 range because that is when their kids were showing the pampers approved signs of readiness even. Odd one or two were closer to 3-3.5.

Most took a couple of months to be totally accident free in the day time (although many had a younger sibling arrive in that time frame too), but all were largely done within a week on first attempt.

It is healthier not to be wearing nappies (see ERIC website) and surely more comfortable, so I think if people are leaving it beyond the first signs of readiness is unfair. It’s really not that difficult or gross to change the odd slightly wet trousers when they’ve been having too much fun and left the loo call a little late.

My kids were at the later end - one is diagnosed with a type of ND that is known to correlate with late training, usually at an average of around 4 and a half.
Both of mine were reading before they started school though. The ND one taught themselves letters and numbers just before two and progressively built up the skill themselves until they were able to read books from about three and a half. The other spontaneously started reading a day after turning four. You won't catch me calling parents of kids who can't read before starting reception lazy, though 😁

We waited until DD was almost 3 before we tried with her, she got it straight away. Basically over one weekend. One accident on the Saturday, one on the Sunday, dry from the Monday onwards and has never had another in 8 years. There was absolutely no stress, no worrying, nothing. She just got the hang of it. Enjoyed it, even! She got little prizes and chocolates and to feel like a big girl!

DS was a little over 3 when we tried. He was resistant from the start, absolutely detested every single second of it, cried every time we put him on the potty/toilet, despite many different incentives/flat out bribery, etc. But preschool had asked him to try on the toilet and he'd done it, so we felt we should continue it at home. We did the sticker chart and so on like we did with DD, and when we put the last sticker on he asked me if that meant he could go back to nappies. The look of betrayl when I said no, that was it, no more nappies...

He's 7 now. We're finally starting to come out the other side and he will go without an actual fight, but it's been the hardest thing about raising him, no question. It's one of the many things that put me off having a third.

I don't know if I would call it 'lazy', but in my experience some parents don't want to deal with the effort/mess of potty training and hope that if they leave it for an extra year the child will essentially toilet train themselves within a few days.

I do think it is objectively worse for walking, talking children to be left in their own urine and faeces for a year longer than necessary and for the environment to add an extra year of plastic wrapped poo to landfill.

@gobshite23 people used to do it early in the days before disposal nappies.

My DD potty trained at 2.5 years. DS1 was just turned 3 years and DS2 was nearly 4. They were all dry in pretty much one week as i waited until they were ready.

I watched friends brag about potty training at 18 months but it took months of training.

Personally I didnt really care what others thought.

I think sometimes it is laziness, but mostly its just seen as normal now to leave it later. I didnt watch for signs of readiness, i just decided when they were 2 to give it a go and had no problems at all, it was really easy and they were dry in a couple of days. No drama, no wet carpets, no chasing them with the potty, they were delighted with all the encouragement and praise. My youngest was later due to circumstances out of our control, and it was really difficult. It's only anecdotal evidance with my sample of 5 dc, working in a toddler room, and working as a childminder, but ime in general the 2 year olds were much easier to train than the 3 year olds, they seemed to have less hang ups about using the potty, and seemed to be less emotionally attached to their nappies.

Those who train late might be bored of the lazy narrative but as someone who trained early (what even is early?) I am absolutely sick of the lazy narrative of toddlers being chased around with potties and there being accidents everywhere. These might be the ones you see, maybe you just don't notice the just turned 2 year olds quietly being taken off to the toilet.

My first trained in a few days at 22.5 months. We went up to London a couple of weeks later, and yes did have a small potty under the buggy at that stage but don't remember carrying one around other than that, had a spare in the car for emergencies. She never went back into nappies including overnight and I was absolutely confident there was going to be no accidents at her second birthday party.

Second trained pretty much days after his second birthday. Again we were confident in his ability not to poo or pee everywhere within a couple of weeks, overnight nappies a few months later and the potty both times was got rid of within a few months and a stool/family toilet seat used instead. We never had a proper travel potty, those ones with the lid etc and certainly never took a potty into somewhere where there was a toilet. Yes we had to help with clothes, wiping and washing of hands but it was a lot less effort than changing a messy nappy.

By the age of 3 the idea of either of them being in a nappy was a completely alien concept and I just can't fathom that other children wouldn't be able to crack it at a similar age. As much as I love my children, I don't think they are that remarkable.

It doesn't have to be late OR quick, sometimes it can be both...

I don’t think you are lazy, I mostly think people are trying their best and all dc are different.

I’m lazy, nappies are not nice and I wanted to stop changing them, I wanted to stop washing them, and having the extra poo washes to do, especially in the winter. I basically wanted to stop wiping poo, and trained all of my DC in autumn to stop all the winter drying problems, so they were all between 17 months and 2 years. I liked waiting until the 2 years mark better as then I didn’t need to get involved with wiping bums after either.

No real issues with two of them, the other was a little tricky but got there OK, despite the implications on this thread that I somehow rushed them and made it take years.

I agree OP.

Waited until my DC were ready, and they were both dry in 24hrs at 3yrs. No tears or upset. I prepared ahead of time with a mini toilet on offer permanently in our bathroom, reading books with them and checked every so often to see if they were ready. It certainly wasn't a lazy approach, however it was definitely easier and there were no accidents.

I do think it's odd how little dignity people often afford young children, somehow it's seen as normal for a parent to put a half naked child on a portable potty in public because the child simply can't wait to get to a private place or a toilet. Not the child's fault at all but utterly grim. I judge that far more than a child being in nappies until they are ready.

I don't think people are lazy, unless there is some other reason to suggest that.

But I do think there has been a lot of bad advice over the past few decades about waiting until kids are ready, and what that means.

I think a lot of kids end up missing the best window for training, because once they are three, they are used to the wet nappies and stubborn about the whole thing.

Changes in living habits make a difference too, people don't have the time to dedicate to it, which is crazy when you think about it, it's basic stuff that kids need.

Are changing tables not also quite often in public places? (i.e. within the public area of the toilets) I think changing a walking, talking 3 year old in a public place is far more grim and undignified.

Mine never needed to use a portable potty in public and could wait, or if there is a queue guess what, people are more than happy to let a 2 year old ahead of them!

Maybe you was lucky like I was and never needed to change your older child in a public place...

Every child is different, every family is different. You know what is best for your kids so listen to no-one aside your own maternal instinct.
However, unless your child has a developmental disorder, leaving it too late (talking 4 or 5) might be counterproductive as children get used to the feeling of being wet or soiled and might not find an incentive to change their system at an older age.

Another stick to beat other mums with I suppose. I love MN for the helpful support and advice but there is a hell of a lot of moral superiority and judging. There are no medals for winning at feeding or potty training or any of the other hot debate topics they people like to compete over.

I suppose it comes down to personality. I genuinely don’t have the time or headspace to worry about how other people are parenting. I know im not perfect so I certainly wouldn’t be judging anyone else for their choices when it comes to things like this.

Son. That's fair, although I do think it's easier earlier, well thats what the research says, because even though the child gets more stubborn later (apparently). I do wonder if all these toilet issues that children have now is linked to potty training later. My DS caught on quickly with peeing, but pooing took longer because for some reason he didn't want to do it (which apparently is a thing too)

I'll take a few wee accidents here and there over routinely changing dirty nappies for another year.

People seem to think early training means your house is constantly covered in piss but that wasn't our experience at all. We started with potty learning at 6 months, she stopped pooping in nappies by herself at 18 months and we took them away completely at 24 months once she could use full size toilets out and about.

I don't buy the whole readiness thing at all, like any other learning it just takes a different approach depending what age you start them.

Tbf OP, you started this thread to ask the question and so people are letting you know their thoughts. Potty training is probably seen to be "up there" in the judging because well, it's just kinda gross wearing nappies when you don't need to 🤷🏻‍♀️

My 3.5 year old isn't potty trained yet. It isn't worth trying yet due to some possible SEN. It might be a while yet. Preschool nursery have asked us to possibly wait a bit. I wish they were though as it is a right wrestle.

Those that say it was easy for them just had good luck. Some kids are genuinely difficult to train even with any out any SEN.

3 is a very normal age imo, i would say 4 is late

I agree, last week I started training my 2.5 year old, doing great taking her self to potty to pee wiping herself for 4 days no accidents, but no poos holding it in, she has only pooped cause I have giving her stuff so she can't hold it in, won't even poo in a nappy now im desperate now for her to start pooing before any damage is done.

Benefit 1: cost savings as no nappies, wipes, bags to buy

Benefit 2: child can start nursery and be using toilet / child is developmentally with peers

benefit 3: no one thinks you are lazy