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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

MIL on holiday with us at the moment but all she has done is mope

338 replies

Summerispantsthisyear · 06/08/2025 15:12

We’re currently on holiday somewhere in Greece & have bought my husband’s Mum (who I get on with well) with us for around a week, she was widowed late last year & we thought it would be a lovely break for her, she’s close to our child (& we do not expect childcare at all) . We’ve paid for her flights & accommodation in a beautiful apartment but all she has done is sit on her own, barely spoken to any of us & wallow in almost self pity, making it really difficult for us to enjoy the first part of our family holiday. She took it upon herself without asking to invite a niece & partner of hers who are staying close by to join us at our apartment for drinks today but they’re now not coming, she’s upset & frankly I’ve found the whole first part of the trip exhausting having to tread on eggshells the entire time. I absolutely hate to sound selfish & thought we were doing the right thing but it’s been an absolute disaster & I feel horrible. I had an honest chat with her last night hoping things would change today but it seems to have fallen on deaf ears & we’re all back to square one. I feel awful even writing this but need to get it off my chest.

OP posts:
ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 09/08/2025 10:54

Discombobble · 09/08/2025 09:34

Grief is not an excuse to make people around you miserable she didn’t have to go on holiday with them

What a terrible unfeeling comment.

’Grief is no excuse……’

l despair of the emotional intelligence of some people.

Rosscameasdoody · 09/08/2025 10:57

Maddy70 · 09/08/2025 09:00

Being around positivity does make you feel brighter though. That's not saying she isn't internalising grief bit she also is on holiday with her family and she will be aware that others are there for a good time. It's a selfish response to spoil her families holiday , they fully understand she's grieving. They are too and this is a well earned holiday. It's time to put others needs to the for. Maybe she's overwhelmed and needs a little time alone to process ?

Say "we fancy going to xxx today, want to come? No pressure if you would rather sit and read your book (or whatever she wants to do and has been doing so far )

But she’s not intentionally spoiling her family’s holiday. Grief isn’t something you can just put away, and often being away from everything that’s familiar to you can just make things worse. At nine months into the grieving process there should be absolutely no pressure on her to put anyone else first - expressed grief is normal, whereas internalised grief can do psychological damage and the selfish thing here is to suggest that MiL internalise her own still raw feelings for the benefit of everyone else.

Discombobble · 09/08/2025 11:19

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 09/08/2025 10:54

What a terrible unfeeling comment.

’Grief is no excuse……’

l despair of the emotional intelligence of some people.

So if you died, would you want those grieving for you to be miserable evermore, and spread the misery around? Grief is personal and everyone grieves differently, but it serves no purpose to bring everyone else down with you. You need to find ways of living your life

SparklesGlitter · 09/08/2025 11:27

Rosscameasdoody · 09/08/2025 10:41

This. I’m at eight years and have been in another relationship for some time. But every year the dates of significant events which led up to my DH’s death - all taking place over a couple of weeks, prior to which we had no knowledge that anything was wrong - come rolling round and it inevitably brings back the sadness of what happened. It was spring, and even now the sight of a cherry tree in full bloom takes me right back to standing in our living room staring at our tree in full sunshine and glorious bloom, trying to process the fact that l had just watched the love of my life die. My now husband knows me well, and when l go quiet at these times, he understands and gives me space to deal with it.

To be able to move forward in life, you have to go through the grieving process. There are no short cuts, it takes as long as it takes, and you can’t get away from your feelings. It makes me smile when people talk about ‘getting over it’ because you never do. You may pack way the grief but it has a profound effect on how you view the rest of your life and it’s never far from the surface, and triggered by the most unexpected things.

Judging by some of the comments on this thread it appears to be true that if you haven’t experienced it for yourself, you can’t possibly know how it feels. But common sense should inform that it takes a lot longer than nine months to properly come to terms with losing someone you’ve spent most of your adult life with. There’s no experience needed. Just love, kindness and patience.

Edited

So eloquently put. I’m 19 years in after being ‘widowed’ (he was my fiance so had to tick the ‘single’ choice on forms as soon as he died) I was 27, it was sudden and horrendous and not a day goes by where my breath is taken away by the shock I felt after he died, and then 3 years ago the sudden loss of my brother. I’ve had some very ‘impatient’ people around me. I’ve distanced myself from them and weirdly I never feel so bad when I’m around people who accept that I might occasionally feel sad, although I can control it now. With me it’s now ‘still waters run deep’. It’s usually saved for when I’m driving or in the shower. I’ve now accepted that this is me and ptsd after all the counselling I’ve had it still hits me suddenly. They were such great men, why wouldn’t I feel a gaping hole?

Lovehascomeandgone · 09/08/2025 11:39

When you are grieving you just don’t know how you will be. She may have been looking forward to the holiday and then just felt the sadness of the loss wash over her and maybe it’s feeling too much. You can want to spend time with loved ones but it can also remind you of your loss and make you sad too. This can be hard to handle. Ignore the behaviour and not the person. Let her lead how she wants to be involved and just get on with enjoying your holiday yourself. It’s lovely you have included her and she will appreciate it. I wouldn’t write her off for future holidays.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 09/08/2025 14:43

Discombobble · 09/08/2025 11:19

So if you died, would you want those grieving for you to be miserable evermore, and spread the misery around? Grief is personal and everyone grieves differently, but it serves no purpose to bring everyone else down with you. You need to find ways of living your life

I don’t think people intend to bring others down and some people are more resilient

Everyone finds their own way, but the end if last year is very recent.

But grief is all consuming. ‘Bringing others down’ is part of it. But the ‘others’ should be able to accept this.

Lennon80 · 09/08/2025 18:09

One day when your parent, husband or god forbid child dies you will regret this utterly ridiculous selfish post.

LovingRobin · 09/08/2025 20:07

Summerispantsthisyear · 06/08/2025 15:12

We’re currently on holiday somewhere in Greece & have bought my husband’s Mum (who I get on with well) with us for around a week, she was widowed late last year & we thought it would be a lovely break for her, she’s close to our child (& we do not expect childcare at all) . We’ve paid for her flights & accommodation in a beautiful apartment but all she has done is sit on her own, barely spoken to any of us & wallow in almost self pity, making it really difficult for us to enjoy the first part of our family holiday. She took it upon herself without asking to invite a niece & partner of hers who are staying close by to join us at our apartment for drinks today but they’re now not coming, she’s upset & frankly I’ve found the whole first part of the trip exhausting having to tread on eggshells the entire time. I absolutely hate to sound selfish & thought we were doing the right thing but it’s been an absolute disaster & I feel horrible. I had an honest chat with her last night hoping things would change today but it seems to have fallen on deaf ears & we’re all back to square one. I feel awful even writing this but need to get it off my chest.

I feel this, I lost my dad 3 years ago now, she totally withdrew into herself and it so hard. She doesn't want to talk, do anything speak to anyone. Sadly not a lot you can do but try to make the best of it. She is suffering and it's going to take her a long time to get over it if she ever does xx

HevenlyMeS · 09/08/2025 20:38

Yes & obviously she didn't intend to spoil it for anyone
Grief is such a strange thing, which oftentimes comes in waves
Being's it's most likely to be her 1st hol without her darling husband, she's understandably most likely feeling a whole range of emotions, of which she was probably, previously unaware of
Though of course it's not her fault, guilt oftentimes creeps in when someone we love's passed away & she'll most likely be feeling awfully guilty for enjoying herself
Let time take time
This is what's required with grieving, & definitely compassionate understanding 💚🌼💚

HevenlyMeS · 09/08/2025 20:39

Wise, wonderful words of compassionate empathy
💚🌼💚

HevenlyMeS · 09/08/2025 20:52

Yes Completely Concur With You Sincere Soul
Showing compassion means & requires feeling others pain & to suffer with someone 💚🌼💚

HevenlyMeS · 09/08/2025 20:55

Yes, terribly unfeeling, unsympathetic & uncompassionate through & through 🙏

Tg4eva · 09/08/2025 21:04

Summerispantsthisyear · 06/08/2025 15:12

We’re currently on holiday somewhere in Greece & have bought my husband’s Mum (who I get on with well) with us for around a week, she was widowed late last year & we thought it would be a lovely break for her, she’s close to our child (& we do not expect childcare at all) . We’ve paid for her flights & accommodation in a beautiful apartment but all she has done is sit on her own, barely spoken to any of us & wallow in almost self pity, making it really difficult for us to enjoy the first part of our family holiday. She took it upon herself without asking to invite a niece & partner of hers who are staying close by to join us at our apartment for drinks today but they’re now not coming, she’s upset & frankly I’ve found the whole first part of the trip exhausting having to tread on eggshells the entire time. I absolutely hate to sound selfish & thought we were doing the right thing but it’s been an absolute disaster & I feel horrible. I had an honest chat with her last night hoping things would change today but it seems to have fallen on deaf ears & we’re all back to square one. I feel awful even writing this but need to get it off my chest.

Giief effects everyone different and sometimes takes a long time to come to terms with it if you ever do. Maybe she thought she would be ok change screeny etc but struggling with memories or having a good time feeling gurity even. To me holidays are fkr everyone to do what they want. Maybe she wants to relax and remember him.

Talk to her see if anything wrong

Crikeyalmighty · 09/08/2025 21:09

@Piknik totally agree - I think a lot of people are incredibly transactional about relationships, it’s come down to sharing finances and making life easy ‘for many’ - deep feelings don’t really come into it - anything goes wrong and it’s ‘next’ !

ChildFreeAndOhSoHappy · 09/08/2025 21:36

I think you're being a little unfair. My dad died a few years ago, he was quite young and it broke my mom, it broke all of us. We planned a family holiday last year as a sort of memorial trip, a way to get together as a family and go somewhere my dad would have loved. My mom was also quite mopey a lot of the trip, everything reminded her of him and she found it hard to enjoy herself without him. At some times it was a bit tiring for us too bc we were on this luxury holiday and she just wanted to sleep a lot but she was heartbroken. She enjoyed what she could but life without him is just too hard for her and she found it all to be too much, something that hit her while she was there and couldn't have entirely foreseen. Give your MIL a break.

Sadworld23 · 09/08/2025 22:10

springissprung2025 · 06/08/2025 15:59

Imagining your MIL was with her husband for maybe 40 years and now he’s died. Poor soul must be completely lost particularly around a couple. Give her a break, allow her grief. When I was bereaved it was so hard being around people who didn’t accept me and all my different emotions.

Bereaved after 35 (complicated) years, definitely this. I said to myself for the first 6 months, ok I won't kill myself today, I'll look at again tomorrow.

Mil sounds lost and her confidence rocked.
Are you eating out, does she have trouble deciding what to eat? It can be so difficult when bereavement hits to make decisions, even little ones. Is she financially secure or is she worried about money and worrying about repaying you when you go out.

Try not to let it spoil your holiday but kindness in this circs is gentle.

Hrft

Rosscameasdoody · 09/08/2025 22:27

SparklesGlitter · 09/08/2025 11:27

So eloquently put. I’m 19 years in after being ‘widowed’ (he was my fiance so had to tick the ‘single’ choice on forms as soon as he died) I was 27, it was sudden and horrendous and not a day goes by where my breath is taken away by the shock I felt after he died, and then 3 years ago the sudden loss of my brother. I’ve had some very ‘impatient’ people around me. I’ve distanced myself from them and weirdly I never feel so bad when I’m around people who accept that I might occasionally feel sad, although I can control it now. With me it’s now ‘still waters run deep’. It’s usually saved for when I’m driving or in the shower. I’ve now accepted that this is me and ptsd after all the counselling I’ve had it still hits me suddenly. They were such great men, why wouldn’t I feel a gaping hole?

Edited

Exactly so. They say grief is the price you pay for having loved someone. So true.

Bluedenimdoglover · 09/08/2025 22:36

You and your husband did a lovely thing to take her with you on holiday and it's understandable that you are feeling upset that things have not been as enjoyable as you'd hoped. But the woman is a recently bereaved and finding it hard to be enter the holiday spirit. I cannot believe some of the responses you be are getting - if the same thing happened with their mothers, they might well feel differently. Don't feel resentful of her, if she wants to spend time alone, let her. Just do the things you normally do as best you can. Was her late husband your husband's father? He may be grieving, too. Cut her some slack and ignore the hateful responses from some here.

HevenlyMeS · 09/08/2025 22:39

Such a beautiful response & wholeheartedly agree with you
💚🌼💚

Rosscameasdoody · 10/08/2025 08:11

Discombobble · 09/08/2025 11:19

So if you died, would you want those grieving for you to be miserable evermore, and spread the misery around? Grief is personal and everyone grieves differently, but it serves no purpose to bring everyone else down with you. You need to find ways of living your life

‘Spreading the misery around ‘? You think that’s what MiL is doing ? I agree that grief is a very personal thing but in general it’s a cycle - everyone moves through it differently, but essentially it’s a natural process. You can’t just put it away whenever it becomes inconvenient for others, and nor should you have to. OP invited her MiL on the holiday - what did she think was going to happen, that she was just going to leave her feelings at home until she got back ?

And MiL is trying to find ways of living her life. That’s the purpose of the grieving process. At a biological level the brain is wired to form strong connections - it opens up pathways which recognise a familiar routine. Grief is the mechanism to help cope with the pain of losing those connections and closing down those pathways.

As we move through the cycle the brain processes the reality of the loss, and opens up new pathways so that the bereaved person can eventually adapt to the new normal. It’s an important part of healing and moving forward in life. It can’t be rushed, it takes as long as it takes - and it’s not a question of ‘bringing everyone else down’, it’s a question of everyone else giving the bereaved person the time and space to adapt to their loss and not putting arbitrary time limits on their grief.

Rosscameasdoody · 10/08/2025 08:14

Bluedenimdoglover · 09/08/2025 22:36

You and your husband did a lovely thing to take her with you on holiday and it's understandable that you are feeling upset that things have not been as enjoyable as you'd hoped. But the woman is a recently bereaved and finding it hard to be enter the holiday spirit. I cannot believe some of the responses you be are getting - if the same thing happened with their mothers, they might well feel differently. Don't feel resentful of her, if she wants to spend time alone, let her. Just do the things you normally do as best you can. Was her late husband your husband's father? He may be grieving, too. Cut her some slack and ignore the hateful responses from some here.

What hateful responses ? OP has essentially taken her MiL on holiday and expected her to shake off her grief less than a year into her bereavement, and just jolly along with the rest of the family. She’s actually described her grief as ‘moping’ and many posters have rightfully handed her her arse for her unreasonable expectations.

Rosscameasdoody · 10/08/2025 08:18

Crikeyalmighty · 09/08/2025 21:09

@Piknik totally agree - I think a lot of people are incredibly transactional about relationships, it’s come down to sharing finances and making life easy ‘for many’ - deep feelings don’t really come into it - anything goes wrong and it’s ‘next’ !

That sums up nicely the general attitude on MN. The smallest transgression is met with cries of LTB. Not hard to see why over 40% of marriages end in divorce if this is an indication of the general population.

Discombobble · 10/08/2025 12:22

Rosscameasdoody · 10/08/2025 08:11

‘Spreading the misery around ‘? You think that’s what MiL is doing ? I agree that grief is a very personal thing but in general it’s a cycle - everyone moves through it differently, but essentially it’s a natural process. You can’t just put it away whenever it becomes inconvenient for others, and nor should you have to. OP invited her MiL on the holiday - what did she think was going to happen, that she was just going to leave her feelings at home until she got back ?

And MiL is trying to find ways of living her life. That’s the purpose of the grieving process. At a biological level the brain is wired to form strong connections - it opens up pathways which recognise a familiar routine. Grief is the mechanism to help cope with the pain of losing those connections and closing down those pathways.

As we move through the cycle the brain processes the reality of the loss, and opens up new pathways so that the bereaved person can eventually adapt to the new normal. It’s an important part of healing and moving forward in life. It can’t be rushed, it takes as long as it takes - and it’s not a question of ‘bringing everyone else down’, it’s a question of everyone else giving the bereaved person the time and space to adapt to their loss and not putting arbitrary time limits on their grief.

Fair enough, the problem is obviously with me - I don’t operate like that

Discombobble · 10/08/2025 12:23

Lennon80 · 09/08/2025 18:09

One day when your parent, husband or god forbid child dies you will regret this utterly ridiculous selfish post.

I have lost both parents and a husband

Lennon80 · 10/08/2025 12:52

Discombobble · 10/08/2025 12:23

I have lost both parents and a husband

What’s that got to do with it? I’m responding to the OP

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