MIL on holiday with us at the moment but all she has done is mope

[Summerispantsthisyear]

We’re currently on holiday somewhere in Greece & have bought my husband’s Mum (who I get on with well) with us for around a week, she was widowed late last year & we thought it would be a lovely break for her, she’s close to our child (& we do not expect childcare at all) . We’ve paid for her flights & accommodation in a beautiful apartment but all she has done is sit on her own, barely spoken to any of us & wallow in almost self pity, making it really difficult for us to enjoy the first part of our family holiday. She took it upon herself without asking to invite a niece & partner of hers who are staying close by to join us at our apartment for drinks today but they’re now not coming, she’s upset & frankly I’ve found the whole first part of the trip exhausting having to tread on eggshells the entire time. I absolutely hate to sound selfish & thought we were doing the right thing but it’s been an absolute disaster & I feel horrible. I had an honest chat with her last night hoping things would change today but it seems to have fallen on deaf ears & we’re all back to square one. I feel awful even writing this but need to get it off my chest.

Did the OP ever return to answer any questions? There’s a story being written here with very little detail from the author.

She was widowed less than a year ago and going through everything without him for the first time. Although most people would put on a brave face and be thankful but maybe she is just so sad she can’t

She is still grieving, not selfish! I had a similar experience with my daughter after my husband died. It seemed a nice idea at the time but in reality it was a huge mistake and very difficult and upsetting when one is wanting her happy family holiday and you are realising your 'happy' holidays with your husband are gone!

She's allowed to feel. She doesn't have to be happy or pretend to be happy just because she's on a holiday she hasn't paid for and is nice/good. If she isn't feeling pressured to 'enjoy herself' she might start enjoying some of it.

Worth focussing on her behaviour (not her mood or her feelings) and how to respond to it. The barely speaking to anyone thing is a bit rude and doesn't really make a lot of sense to me. Is it 'attention seeking' style where your best response might be to ignore her till she starts communicating?

Inviting people to join her for dinner seems like a reasonable thing adults do when they're on holiday. You don't own her time.

What conversations did you have about how activities you'd do together/ those you'd do separately before you started?

What's the weather like? Is she struggling in the heat more than she expected?

I think you've got:

• grief
• mismatched expectations
• maybe heat

all combining in unhelpful ways. You can try to set clearer plans for time together and time apart and plan for time together to be in air conditioned places or at cooler times of day. Other than that there's not much you can do other than deciding not to holiday together in future.

Wow - some really unempathetic responses.

She's not being selfish she's recently widowed.

The least her family can do is support her and try to spend time with her. Of course they also have a right to enjoy their holiday so a balance needs to be struck.

My aunt was widowed young about 15 years ago, my parents took her on holiday with them not long after and she cried most of the time, my mum just let her grieve and tried to support her.

Wow. She is in deep grief. That lasts a long time. Why would you expect her to ask your permission first if she wanted to invite them over for drinks? It is a joint holiday home as much hers as yours. You lack empathy I am afraid. No idea what you said to her but what ever it was it probably made her far worse. Your DH is also in grief for the loss of his Dad too although over that more or less now. Cut her some slack.

I think you made a spelling mistake.
It's spelt GRIEVING not mope* hope this helps.

Absolutely, you cannot predict what will throw you off with grief

I haven’t read all the responses but from one’s that I have I can see that some of you have never lost someone you love. Grief is incredibly hard, it’s not linear and the smallest thing can be triggering. It’s changes who you are as a person and how you see the world. Her whole life has changed, she’s lost the future she thought she had and she’s allowed to feel sorry for herself. The fact that she’s even made it on holiday is a wonder. Holidays are hard, they remind you that everything has changed and your person is not there to share it with you. Maybe try and be a bit more understanding.

She was widowed at the end of last year - so less than a year ago - and you’re irritated by her moping?! Try having some empathy, she’s grieving.

That’s such an apposite diagram.

Nope. Generously… I hope it means the holiday is improving for them all.

She probably didn't realise how upsetting and lonely it would be to be without her husband on this first holiday. Depressing as it may be i would cut her some slack.

So right. I lost my Mum in September last year and it's still so raw. No time has past and company around you doesn't mean you're not lonely x

I sincerely hope so too.

Db died last year after a short illness. I still sometimes get upset out of nowhere. I don't think I'll ever really get over losing my only sibling. Dc have been really good with my dm and df but only ds has really realised I'm grieving too. Just let mil have quiet time and you enjoy your holiday. I doubt she is doing it on purpose.

What did you expect? Why did you bring her? To babysit your child? Or is it the obligatory modern trend that family’s have to do everything together all the time? It never works ! 🙄

You sound lovely OP. She is lucky to have you.

maybe try to split the time, morning around your child schedule and then dinner with her? She can tahr herself off for walks etc when you are are doing your own thing.
maybe there is more than just struggling to cope with her husbands death? (Although it’s not on you to sort)

@Manthide I'm very sorry for your loss. I also recently lost my brother, it's really hard. And I saw first hand how his wife suffered and continues to suffer, nine months is nothing at all really.
Well meaning people kept inviting her out places, and it was kindly meant, but she found it unbearable.

Isn’t it just x

Entirely - I am going to steal it and use it! Xx

That’s what I did xx

The OP says it's not for the childcare in her OP.

I’m not even going to try doing my own drawing either! Just use that one! But wow, it really struck me. Thanks for sharing! Xxx

I’ve found it useful to help with family and it is very powerful in its understanding xx