MIL on holiday with us at the moment but all she has done is mope

[Summerispantsthisyear]

We’re currently on holiday somewhere in Greece & have bought my husband’s Mum (who I get on with well) with us for around a week, she was widowed late last year & we thought it would be a lovely break for her, she’s close to our child (& we do not expect childcare at all) . We’ve paid for her flights & accommodation in a beautiful apartment but all she has done is sit on her own, barely spoken to any of us & wallow in almost self pity, making it really difficult for us to enjoy the first part of our family holiday. She took it upon herself without asking to invite a niece & partner of hers who are staying close by to join us at our apartment for drinks today but they’re now not coming, she’s upset & frankly I’ve found the whole first part of the trip exhausting having to tread on eggshells the entire time. I absolutely hate to sound selfish & thought we were doing the right thing but it’s been an absolute disaster & I feel horrible. I had an honest chat with her last night hoping things would change today but it seems to have fallen on deaf ears & we’re all back to square one. I feel awful even writing this but need to get it off my chest.

inviting someone on holiday, all expenses paid, is not making an effort for you?
I imagine they didn't force her to go.

You would be berating them if they'd gone on holiday and "abandoned" her wouldn't you

Yabu

This is for your DH to deal with, it’s his mother and it was his father who died. You saying anything is insensitive.

No l wouldn’t. I’m not sure how not inviting her becomes abandonment. They don’t have to invite her. They chose to, and should have given some consideration to her emotional state. They seem pretty dim if they didn’t

We invited my mil in similar circumstances because we knew she needed support. And she did.

Maybe they just invited her to babysit for them.

Correct. Grieving does not allow you to inflict your misery on other people, perpetually. And yes I have lost very close family members and grieved greatly for them. It's fine to stay home and shut the door and take as long as you need. It's not fine to ruin other people's holiday.

However, she may not actually realise she is doing that tbh. I'm afraid it is not a situation where you can speak to her about this. Not at all.

Lesson learned, do not invite her on any more family holidays until she is clearly coping far better.

Yep.

@Tuningforkcan you read?
she has been on holiday before. At her age she should know better if she wasn’t up to it. Highly selfish of her to come and spoil it for everyone else.
and extremely rude to just invite people to an accommodation that you haven’t paid for without asking first.

Jeez, for those of you that have never experienced grief of losing a partner I sincerely hope you feel ashamed of your comments on here if you ever have the unfortunate experience of being where many of us are left, without half our whole, never knowing when grief will grab you, the wondering if these awful uncontrollable feeling ever go away. To one day think ‘oh great I feel better ‘ but then have weeks and weeks of despair following it.

I’m going to hide this thread now, it’s truly saddened me as to how uncaring a whole lot of you are.

I’m sorry for your loss.

I wonder how much of the venom is because the grieving woman is a MIL…

It all kind of ties in for me with other threads I’ve read - the ‘making memories’ , ‘family time’ ( that just usually means you - partner if there is one and your kids’ - and then when it goes wrong moaning that ‘family’ aren’t interested /wont help them out - I myself am not mega extended family minded purely because I had incredibly odd self centred parents- and my sibling did a vanishing act years ago - however even I wouldn’t show a lack of empathy in this situation - I do think so many people are incredibly hard nosed and self obsessed these days and yet ‘all there ‘ if it comes to inheritances or needing help from extended family - in this situation i would just as I said ask if she wanted time on her own and crack on , maybe send her son out with her for an hour on their own - my H once spoilt a holiday somewhat with big work issues that carried on whilst away - that’s life -

I wonder how much of the venom is because the grieving woman is a MIL…

Most of it.
9 months is fuck-all after losing your life partner as well.

Bloody hell, the competitive grieving on here is amazing but not in a good way.

So many brave souls on here who cracked on and didn’t bother anyone else with their grief. Well bully for you. Not everyone is as callous brave. Everyone is different.

Urgh. Did you used to be a redcoat?

Let me translate: the poor woman lost her husband less than a year ago and you’re annoyed at her for not being the life and soul of the party.

What a horrible selfish person you are.

YANBU This must be awful for you.
It seems that MIL is probably still grieving and trust me this takes time. Having been through the same years ago it took me more than two years to pluck up courage to go away on holiday, even then it felt too soon, and strange, but I got on with it. No way would I have gone on holiday before then because I was still feeling mopey and wouldn't have wanted to inflict that on others. Maybe MIL feels the same and doesn't want to insult you with refusing the offer of the holiday. I think this is a difficult time for her 😕

I’ve lost both a fiance in an an accident and a brother to hidden heart defect. This thread is mumsnet finest. I think you need to cut her some slack. Grief is both disorientating and powerful and crops up at the oddest of times. It’ll be hitting your husband as well I’m sure, just in different ways.

Surely your DH is still grieving too? He’s just lost his dad.

But widows are one of the most judged women in society. She’s being blamed for being too “quiet and sad” a mere half a year after her husband’s death, but I guarantee if she was up Greek Dancing, smashing plates and making dates with Jorge the local Greek waiter, you’d be saying it’s too soon for her to be happy.

Being the “perfect” widow with just the right amount of sadness (that doesn’t dim anyone else’s happiness) and a perfect dash of “coping” and “jollying along” is fucking exhausting and impossible; it’s akin to being the “perfect” rape victim. People judge you for the clothes you wear, the words you say (or don’t say) the look on your face, whether you’re too sad, or not sad enough.

It’s a fucking awful position to be in and I’m surprised that the OP’s husband hasn’t taken it upon himself to spend some more time with his mum.

A lot of people seem to have to ‘perform’ after losing a partner. I think they don’t like to move on because of ‘what people might think’ if they were seen to be happy.
I was delighted, I had no problem at all, totally fed up with the miserable b. It’s wonderful without his miserable face, and his arguments. Time to move on, and live!

There's a balance between feeling grief and sadness and not letting is affect everyone else around you. It's reasonable for her to say she's feeling sad and upset and to have those moments, but if she's saying it multiple times a day and bringing everyone down with her it makes it difficult and affects everyone's enjoyment of their own holiday too. She sounds like yes she's grieving as it's still recent but she's only thinking of herself too. Everyone else on the holiday lost someone too.

If I was in the situation where my wife had died and I was feeling really down to the point of borderline depression, I would not go on a holiday where I am expected to be happy and join in as though nothing is wrong. Secondly, I have lost close family relatives and it didn't take me months to get over it so there is no chance I would be in that position in the first place. Grieving over a loved one does not make it right to project your misery onto other people, everyone loses loved ones eventually but I'm willing to bet most of them don't behave like that. If you really are struggling to cope with loss after several months, counselling is the way forward.

But grief is inherently selfish by its nature.You can’t just snap out of it.

The other people on the holiday who list him are his son and DIL. And her ds has his wife to support him. MIL has no one.

Death of a lifetime spouse takes a long time to get over.

Completely agree! She's feeling raw and seeing families everywhere, it must be awful for her. If you've been visibly impatient, enough that she knows she's bringing the mood down, she'll have guilt on top of sadness. Be kind, be gentle, remember grief isn't one-size-fits-all.

What a horrible example of a strawman.

The OP is not complaining the MIL isn't the life and soul of the party, she is complaining the MIL's grief driven behaviour is ruining their holiday, MASSIVE difference.

That’s nice dear.

MIL should have them all to support her? Her son and DIL. What I'm trying to say is it's completely understandable she's going to feel sad and finding it hard and it's ok for her to voice that but if it's constantly all day every day then that isn't fair on everyone else.