MIL on holiday with us at the moment but all she has done is mope

[Summerispantsthisyear]

We’re currently on holiday somewhere in Greece & have bought my husband’s Mum (who I get on with well) with us for around a week, she was widowed late last year & we thought it would be a lovely break for her, she’s close to our child (& we do not expect childcare at all) . We’ve paid for her flights & accommodation in a beautiful apartment but all she has done is sit on her own, barely spoken to any of us & wallow in almost self pity, making it really difficult for us to enjoy the first part of our family holiday. She took it upon herself without asking to invite a niece & partner of hers who are staying close by to join us at our apartment for drinks today but they’re now not coming, she’s upset & frankly I’ve found the whole first part of the trip exhausting having to tread on eggshells the entire time. I absolutely hate to sound selfish & thought we were doing the right thing but it’s been an absolute disaster & I feel horrible. I had an honest chat with her last night hoping things would change today but it seems to have fallen on deaf ears & we’re all back to square one. I feel awful even writing this but need to get it off my chest.

Imagining your MIL was with her husband for maybe 40 years and now he’s died. Poor soul must be completely lost particularly around a couple. Give her a break, allow her grief. When I was bereaved it was so hard being around people who didn’t accept me and all my different emotions.

So she’s been quiet and sad. I think that’s entirely understandable, she is really freshly bereaved and I wonder if inviting the other family members for drinks one night was in an attempt to establish a bit more normalcy and family-feel to things. What was the conversation last night about? Was it: “How are you feeling, is there anything we do to make you feel better?” Or was it: “You’re spoiling our holiday by moping, can you stop it please?” Very different conversations…

I would give her the time and space she needs - sometimes holidays work to take us out of our feelings and give us a breather from normal life, sometimes they work just to highlight sadness and what is missing, and you don’t know which until you are actually on holiday. If it’s really impacting on you then presumably you can do some activities without her (and with her agreement)?

all she has done is sit on her own, barely spoken to any of us & wallow in almost self pity

It's called grief

You sound like a lovely DIL and I don't blame you for being pissed off about her moping.

I think the time has come for you to leave her to it and get on with your family holiday. I hope she perks up a bit or gets a n early flight home!

Honestly my MIL seemed to suffer PTSD for nearly two years following the loss of FIL.
When we invited her for Christmas there were a number of occasions when she behaved abruptly.I did feel it was a bit unfair on her grandchildren. DD1, then 9, asked her if she wanted her presents passed to her and she replied "No thank you, I'm not interested in them". When I found her sitting alone in the hallway I asked if I could do anything to help she said "Christmas is to be endured, not enjoyed".
At the time I probably felt a bit like you but, in retrospect, 10 months was no time to have adjusted to the loss of the love of her life, and it wouldn't have been kind not to include her in shared family time because it took the shine off happy occasions. It's all part of being a family.

I would try to be sympathetic given the circumstances. Could it be difficult for her to be staying with your family - it may remind her of what she has lost and make her own isolation seem worse, and have been triggering for this reason. FWIW I don't think it was that bad of her to invite over her niece without asking your permission first. And this does make it sound like she is trying to shake herself out of it. I can see it is a difficult situation but I would try and have some empathy. Perhaps your or your DH can try to speak to her about how she is feeling.

Given that you normally get on well with her, surely it’s more likely that she’s struggling than being deliberately belligerent?

You say she’s been moping all the time, but there are few specifics. I don’t really see what she did wrong by inviting her niece for a drink - does your husband not like his cousin? Maybe she thought that having other relatives join you for the evening would force her to gee herself up a bit. Now that they’re not coming, it’s another disappointment, and she’s back to square one.

You don’t even mention what your husband thinks. Is he also impatient with her?

YABU. Imagine if your husband died, how soon after that would you be up for being jolly?

I'm honestly astounded at some of these responses. She's widowed less than a year, for heaven's sake. Believe me, the throes of grief mean you can't second guess how certain situations are going to make you feel. She quite likely is finding it really difficult being in the midst of a happy family unit enjoying their holiday - it probably makes her new, lone situation even more stark and glaringly obvious to her.

When you say you had an 'honest chat' with her, what did you actually say?

"She took it upon herself without asking to invite a niece & partner of hers who are staying close by to join us at our apartment for drinks today but they’re now not coming, she’s upset "

She took the initiative to reach out ask someone she wanted to see over and they didn't come. She got shot down when she reached out. Of course she's upset. She had something to look forward to. Then, it seems like you think she should have asked your permission. And you had a "chat" with her.

It almost seems like you're treating her like a misbehaving child. What boundary did she cross in iting her niece and partner for a drink?

Go do your holiday thing. Your impatience with her struggling will not help at all and I would bet she's picking up on your vibe.

I find that acting as I wish to be, changes my mood. She needs to give her head a wobble.

I have lost people close to me and NOTHING is going to fill that void, but if you sink into it, what then? Join them?

Just jolly along and then leave her to it.

That.

I'm a widow. I had two holidays with my daughters in that first year, and though my husband/their dad's absence was hard, it was really important to me that the family relationships were strengthened, rather than damaged during that period. So all three of us were determined to make the most of both trips, while having the option to have a bit of alone time when needed.

I get that not everyone is able to respond in the same way, but in the situation in the OP, I think it's important that OP 's immediate family 'crack on'.

It's possible for OP and her DH to sympathise with MIL and recognise that she was over-optimistic in accepting the invitation, but still make it clear to her that they and the children will be doing the things that they planned. If MIL isn't up to it, they understand and will let her have the time to herself.

I wonder what the honest chat involved too,

Exactly. I was widowed eight years ago and l still have moments when l can be stopped in my tracks by a memory, a smell, a sound or a piece of music and l’m reminded that the grief may be packed away but it’s still there. Assuming ‘late last year’ means somewhere around November/December, it’s only eight or nine months since she lost her life partner. That’s not long at all, and this year she’s likely to have gone through a series of ‘firsts’ without her DH. She likely won’t have fully accepted her loss and she’ll certainly only just be getting to grips with her new life.

From personal experience. l went away on a foreign city break with a friend not long after I lost my DH. I was pretty much pressured into it by my friend who was only trying to be kind, and ended up going against my better judgement. I was miserable the whole time -all it did was remind me of how big the world is and how he wasn’t in it any more.

I was thankful it was only a couple of days and l tried to mask my distress but l couldn’t have kept it up any longer than that, so l can understand how MiL feels. She probably realises she’s made a mistake but can’t do anything about it and she’s likely not sufficiently in control of her grief to be able to hide how she feels.

There are some awful comments on the thread and everyone currently in a relationship would do well to remember that they have a 50/50 chance of being in the same position and potentially without notice.

Agree with this.
“We’re going out for dinner/to the beach/whatever, are you coming?”
Just go about your holiday as you usually would, and give her the option to join in if she wants to, otherwise leave her be. You can still try and be supportive and understanding (it’s not unreasonable for her to still be grief stricken) without letting her drag you all down too.

Ignore her and enjoy your holiday.

You've done the best you possibly could, making everyone tense and miserable is going to make her worst anyway. She's not feeling better if everyone else is unhappy is she?

So think of it as giving a good example, and have fun. Hopefully that will boost her up a bit.

Have you ever been bereaved? Do you understand the twists and turns that grief can take? This woman was widowed only eight or nine months ago. Perhaps holidaying in Greece has brought back memories of holidays with her DH. Perhaps she was doing OK at home but grief has hit her hard now. Best to have some empathy, but in OP's shoes decide to enjoy the holiday themselves.

When you’re bereaved you don’t think straight for a long time afterwards, and the decision to go on holiday was probably not the wisest. But it's early on in her bereavement journey and she’s likely not in control of her feelings. OP should just crack on with her family’s plans and leave it up to MiL as to whether she wants to join in. A bit of empathy wouldn’t go amiss.

Jesus some of the responses on here. Are people really that fucking lacking in empathy these days. This poor woman is recently bereaved and obviously struggling. She probably had no idea herself how she was going to feel on this holiday and may have thought it’s what she needed as you did. But actually going , the reality was different. I think you just need to reframe the holiday in your mind, it’s not going to to be a “normal” holiday (and tbh I think you were naive to think it would be) and adjust your expectations for the rest of the trip now you know your MIL is struggling as much as she is.

A good example of what ?

Have you lost a life partner ? Just wondering, because advising a widow of eight or nine months to ‘give her head a wobble’ for grieving is beyond callous.

Your OH can deal with this one. It’s his mum. You’ve said your piece. Get on with your holiday and try not to let it affect you too badly.

Do you think irs grief or she's just not happy

She was widowed nine months ago. What do you think. ?

I voted that YABU and frankly am shocked that 70% think yanbu - the woman has only been widowed a year, cut her some slack and maybe you should have thought about this before your saintly invite. (waits for the huge backstory of how selfish and unreasonable mil was before bereavement!)