MIL on holiday with us at the moment but all she has done is mope

[Summerispantsthisyear]

We’re currently on holiday somewhere in Greece & have bought my husband’s Mum (who I get on with well) with us for around a week, she was widowed late last year & we thought it would be a lovely break for her, she’s close to our child (& we do not expect childcare at all) . We’ve paid for her flights & accommodation in a beautiful apartment but all she has done is sit on her own, barely spoken to any of us & wallow in almost self pity, making it really difficult for us to enjoy the first part of our family holiday. She took it upon herself without asking to invite a niece & partner of hers who are staying close by to join us at our apartment for drinks today but they’re now not coming, she’s upset & frankly I’ve found the whole first part of the trip exhausting having to tread on eggshells the entire time. I absolutely hate to sound selfish & thought we were doing the right thing but it’s been an absolute disaster & I feel horrible. I had an honest chat with her last night hoping things would change today but it seems to have fallen on deaf ears & we’re all back to square one. I feel awful even writing this but need to get it off my chest.

Absolutely, it’s simple and so understandable. I’m going to share it with my parents tomorrow. Honestly, thanks so much. It’s so helpful. Xxx

I have to say I understand, it’s exhausting. My mom lost my dad in Oct last year. I did ring the bereavement social worker this week as she has been off her feet for over 2 months. I am ill I just cannot help her anymore. They do become very self centred. Might be worth to see if any bereavement groups locally when you get back. You are just going to have suck it up & be there if she needs you. Also help the aged have a befriending service, ring them they will then they will be able to signpost help.
my mom is just not herself, impulsive, refuses to listen, deaf but refuses to go to audiology I just don’t want her making rash decision changes her mind at the drop of a hat & I meant to be aware telepathically.
Hang in there.

Honestly what did you expect? She may be still processing her loss? Really generous of you to invite her, but maybe she is struggling? I took my mum away about a similar time after we lost my dad. In retrospect It was awful, too soon for her, and us. She won’t be spoiling your holiday on purpose. Some of the responders on this thread have clearly never been in this situation.

This.

I can’t believe how harsh some responses are. YANBU to be disappointed that your holiday is being overshadowed by grief but I think it was optimistic of all of you to expect your recently bereaved MIL to enjoy a family holiday this close to being widowed. I imagine your husband is also finding this very difficult. The poor woman
will be all over the place emotionally. I think you just need to suck this one up OP and be grateful that you clearly haven’t experienced the loss of a very close family member as I don’t think you can really understand grief until you have been there.

Just let her do her thing, tell her you love her and you’re there if she wants to talk. Then say the plan for the day and will she join you? If not, carry on with ur hol without her and let her relax (or mope as you called it) at her own pace. And if you really hated it, defo don’t invite her again!

The lack of empathy in some of the responses on here are just...wow. For a start, this is just one side of the story, & the MIL may not be behaving terribly in an attempt to bring everyone down, this is simply OPs interpretation tinged with annoyance that her MILs grief is ruining her holiday.
I "lost" my husband through divorce & I was glad to see the back of him, but even then there was an element of grief involved, especially when around other people. I wasn't grieving the loss of him, though, I was grieving the loss of what should have been. For OPs MIL to add in another layer of pain from losing the absolute love of her life who had been by her side for decades & who she probably wishes more than anything was still beside her to enjoy somewhere so beautiful...how can anyone not understand how utterly gut wrenching that must be for her? Should MIL really have to slap on a mask and internalise her grief purely to appease OP because "we paid for this holiday & you're ruining it"? It could even be that MIL has tried to be strong for the last 9-10 months & now simply felt she had the space and support to allow her grief out amongst people she felt safe with...only to be told to suck it up & stop being a Debbie Downer.
So, yes, OP, YABU. I'm sorry you feel your holiday has been ruined, but there will be other holidays & more opportunities for you to make memories with your family. Your MIL is coming to terms with the fact that there will be no more holidays with her husband and no more memories, & you should all be supporting her in whatever way she needs, be it giving her space or keeping her occupied. How she experiences her grief is unique to her & it is not up to you or anyone else to tell her she is doing it wrong.

I thought the first post was sarcasm but no, just a complete lack of empathy

That's harsh. A newly widowed person experiencing things for the first time without their spouse can generate extreme unexpected feelings. From my own experience, I attended a wedding 18 months after being widowed, looking forward to it, but ended up leaving in tears, unexpectedly, as it reminded me what I'd lost when the first dance started. It's only been a year for her. The holiday without him there has likely made her feel the loss more intensely. And she wouldn't have realised that would happen.
Try to be understanding. Until you've walked in her shoes you have no idea.

Thank you for sharing this. I've not seen it before It’s so true.

Absolutely the right approach. Hats off to your folks. ❤️

I agree with you. I lost my husband in 2024. I miss him terribly. When I cry in front of my family they understand and let me have my moment. That is because they know that I am trying very hard to be cheerful. I don’t want to be a misery and spoil things for them. I look on time with other people as a blessing, even if it is only because it’s passing a few hours.
I think that you should try to enjoy the rest of your holiday. I’d suggest saying “We’re going to do so & so. Do you want to come?” And if she says yes, then say “Lovely, glad you’re feeling a bit better “ If she says no, then just say “Ok, see you later “ If she comes and is miserable then try to ignore her. She’s being very selfish.

I disagree, sometimes all you need is a bit of sympathy. She IS feeling this way. Dismissing her feelings would make it worse.

I cannot understand the majority of posts here. The poor woman is grieving the loss of her husband. 3 years on and my mum is still grieving, has quiet moments, is angry, tearful, all you’d expect but I’d never mean and complain that she’s ruining something.

for those of you saying she shouldn’t have gone. Do you really believe she’s choosing to be this way? She would have thought it would be great, but now she’s on holiday she’s being reminded of all the times she holidayed with her DH.

some people have obviously, luckily, not lost someone close, and seriously need to give their heads a wobble.

It is not the majority of posts...it's a few at the beginning, one of which is mine and I've already retracted it because I had misread the situation. It is actually possible for a bereaved person to be in the wrong sometimes, and also to behave very badly, which is another story to be fair because MIL hasn't behaved badly in this situation.

It's a handful of people and the vast majority are coming from the other (your/my) perspective.

I really hope that OP hasn't returned because she's thought better of her initial stance, has taken things on board and is looking after her MIL/DH (who is also bereaved) where needed and also enjoying her holiday where possible.

I know. Where is peoples empathy these days🤷‍♀️

Exactly. Some of these responses are awful. Getting over a bereavement isn't a linear process. Some days may be worse than others. After less than a year, you cant expect someone who's lost their partner of many years to be over it. Carry on with your holiday, do what you need to do to enjoy the experience but do it with understanding and consideration for someone in pain. It's not that hard to do [empathy].

Your MIL is suffering from grief & I can completely empathize with her having gone through it myself. I'm afraid you need to have some patience & understanding but don't let it ruin your holiday just get on with enjoying yourselves.

It isn’t her first holiday without him, why bother going if you know how miserable you’re going to be while on holiday, wasted a lot of money just to sit in an apartment on her own bringing everyone else down who’s doing their best to try help. In all honesty I’d just leave her tell her if she wants to come do things with them she can and if she doesn’t then that’s fine they’ll go anyway.

If that's how she wants to spend her time let her get on with it, she's an adult! It's still so raw for her and there's no timescale or set behaviours for grief. She's clearly still suffering a lot and can only join in with things when she feels ready. Try to have more empathy and dont push your own expectations on her, if she wants to cry alone on her balcony that's what she needs to do to get through it. Xx

Does it matter if it isn't her first holiday without her husband?

Finding some of the comments on here about a recently bereaved woman quite distasteful.

Just be very upbeat.
Oooh let's go for breakfast
What a fantastic day for a swim
Look at that blue sky
I love Greek food where shall we eat tonight
Etc

Op can I make a suggestion?

I think you address it in a different way.

Something like "Carol, I think I underestimated how hard this was going to be for you and how raw your grief still is. It has thrown me off a bit because I was hoping a holiday would cheer you up and be a jolly occasion, but you are obviously not there yet. I'm sorry if I have been clumsy in my understanding of how much you are struggling.

Obviously we are here with the DC and want to give them a good time so we're going to crack on and will keep inviting you to join us but with no expectation. And if you'd like a chat about XXX one evening once the DC are in bed, we could do that too.

I really hope that you are able to enjoy a couple of fun evenings or day things with us but, as I said - no expectation"

And then you go about your holiday.

Absolutely. Spot on. Hope that should undo anything that you might have said about her “moping”. Hope you might be able to conjure up a sympathetic demeanour and how about a little hug?

Empathy is in short supply, poor woman is no doubt in a lot of pain.