MIL on holiday with us at the moment but all she has done is mope

[Summerispantsthisyear]

We’re currently on holiday somewhere in Greece & have bought my husband’s Mum (who I get on with well) with us for around a week, she was widowed late last year & we thought it would be a lovely break for her, she’s close to our child (& we do not expect childcare at all) . We’ve paid for her flights & accommodation in a beautiful apartment but all she has done is sit on her own, barely spoken to any of us & wallow in almost self pity, making it really difficult for us to enjoy the first part of our family holiday. She took it upon herself without asking to invite a niece & partner of hers who are staying close by to join us at our apartment for drinks today but they’re now not coming, she’s upset & frankly I’ve found the whole first part of the trip exhausting having to tread on eggshells the entire time. I absolutely hate to sound selfish & thought we were doing the right thing but it’s been an absolute disaster & I feel horrible. I had an honest chat with her last night hoping things would change today but it seems to have fallen on deaf ears & we’re all back to square one. I feel awful even writing this but need to get it off my chest.

How awful for you OP. Such selfish behaviour on her part.

If her husband died less than a year ago then it’s understandable she’s finding a holiday difficult without him. It’s it her first holiday without her husband?

Then she shouldn’t have gone. Seeing as she did, she doesn’t have the right to spoil it for anyone else.

I'd start cheerfully saying, well I'm going to enjoy my holiday! We're going to enjoy our dinner! We're going out to enjoy the sunshine/food/beach/whatever! And just leave her to moan and whinge by herself.

@Strawberries86 no it’s not her first, I'm the first person to be very understanding & try to do everything right but it’s honestly exhausting

@VaseofViolets iv never lost someone close to me thank god but I imagine less than a year in grief is unpredictable and not linear.

Its disappointing to have a holiday effected but handle it with grace and the thought that one day, you might be in her position.

Sometimes being too nice just gives this type of person permission to get worse and worse. It's not actually helpful or supportive to MIL either, because validating/enabling her means she's less likely to pull herself out of the funk.

This! She can only truly spoil it if you let her.
I get it’s difficult being without her partner but it sounds like she isn’t even trying. And moping because her niece isn’t coming is just rude and insulting to the OP!

@Strawberries86

I have been in her position. That’s precisely why I disagree with her behaviour.

She's not in a good headspace. It hasn't even been a year and she's having new experiences without her husband. That hurts in a way I hope you don't have to understand.

Leave her to it. She needs space and not "chat" from someone who doesn't get grief. It can sneak up at the strangest moments.

Go do your thing and enjoy your vacation.

She might benefit from short term grief therapy when she's back home.

Well done for speaking to her about it. What was the conversation like that you had? What did you say to her?

I think if you've explained to her you're finding it hard that she's miserable, you wouldn't be unreasonable to now carry on your holiday in a happy and upbeat way and not get sucked into her mood. I appreciate that's probably easier said than done though!

I do agree with PP that perhaps she is feeling her grief more this week than she has been recently.

What has your DH said about it? Has he spoken to her?

Christ alive, some of these responses are horrific.

How would you all feel do you think if your husband had died less than a year ago? Would uou want people telling you to 'enjoy your holiday'?

If she wasn't prepared to go and enjoy it then she should have stayed at home and declined your offer. Really selfish to go on someone's holiday and spoil it.

It may be too late for this holiday, but I think this is a warning never to invite her again!

I have all the sympathy in the world for a woman who's grieving and I'm sure no one is expecting her to be jumping up and down with glee at all times. But sadness is not the same as being miserable, and there's really no excuse for being a negative nelly to the detriment of everyone around you.

Fucking hell that poor woman is newly bereaved. To be fair, she probably shouldn’t have come.

@Movinghouseatlast i think we very much in the minority!

I just think grief is so complex and individual. I’d be disappointed about the impact on my holiday (I live for my holidays!) but in the grand scheme of things, I think it’s more important to support the mil.

Id think differently if it was 5 years down the line and she was ruining every family event but a holiday after less than a year? More than likely the grief has taken hold.

Can’t believe the responses on here.

We took dmil on holiday about 10 months after her Dh died. She was all over the place.

Maybe she needs someone to listen. Thats what we did.

Tbf on reading it back she's not actually been moaning and whingeing. She's just being quiet/keeping herself to herself, which is understandable if she's sad or finding it difficult. Might've been the title but for whatever reason I read it as if she's been complaining and/or being negative, which isn't the case.

I think you need to let her take the lead, so if she just wants to sit and think, let her. Don't fuss over her and don't let her mood affect everyone else. Just check in on her every so often, maybe see if she wants to go for a walk with one of you once a day to get out and about a bit. Otherwise let her be. She's allowed to be sad!

So her husband died ...what 6/7 months ago
And your expecting happy jolly grandma?
She will be grieving still
I think your expectations of her are two high
If he had died a couple of years ago I would agree with you ,but not half a year ago.
Put yourself in her shoes and think if you had .ost your DH ,would you be allowed happy and jolly after half a year ?
Poor woman

I agree she probably shouldn't have gone, but that ship has sailed. I also think we've all agreed to something at one stage or another and then realised that it was a mistake. I think I would tell her your plans let her know she is welcome to join you if she wishes and then crack on with what you want to do

Did you miss the it where her husband died half a year ago ...she's still grieving

This ^

Poor woman. She is still grieving. And for all those who think she should have declined if she didn’t feel up to it, she probably didn’t know how she would be affected by going on a family holiday without her DH. It’s probably bringing up all kinds of memories.

Maybe she needs some space, OP. Ask her what would help. Try and get on and enjoy your holiday despite her feeling like this.

It might be an idea to have a straightforward chat with her and your husband.

Along the lines of full aware of how you feel about our collective sad loss but what can we do to enjoy the rest of the holiday?