MIL on holiday with us at the moment but all she has done is mope

[Summerispantsthisyear]

We’re currently on holiday somewhere in Greece & have bought my husband’s Mum (who I get on with well) with us for around a week, she was widowed late last year & we thought it would be a lovely break for her, she’s close to our child (& we do not expect childcare at all) . We’ve paid for her flights & accommodation in a beautiful apartment but all she has done is sit on her own, barely spoken to any of us & wallow in almost self pity, making it really difficult for us to enjoy the first part of our family holiday. She took it upon herself without asking to invite a niece & partner of hers who are staying close by to join us at our apartment for drinks today but they’re now not coming, she’s upset & frankly I’ve found the whole first part of the trip exhausting having to tread on eggshells the entire time. I absolutely hate to sound selfish & thought we were doing the right thing but it’s been an absolute disaster & I feel horrible. I had an honest chat with her last night hoping things would change today but it seems to have fallen on deaf ears & we’re all back to square one. I feel awful even writing this but need to get it off my chest.

I feel for your MIL here. She is still in the relatively early stages of grief so life will be a bundle of anxiety and uncertainty for her. It is lovely that you have taken here away but a shame that she is not able to enjoy the holiday as you expected her to. Chalk it up, perhaps rethink any future invites with her. Try to make the most of the rest of your holiday and let her 'be' how she needs to be for the rest of her stay there too.

Wouldn’t it also follow then, that her OH lost his dad and may also still be grieving ?

Is her son understanding of her grief OP?

Let's hope you perform better if you're a widow one day.

I think what you have decided is 'moping' is most likely somebody grieving.

I’m sure you’re not doing it on purpose but you’re being totally unrealistic and quite insensitive. She’s grieving. Her husband only died less than a year ago and it’s likely her first holiday without him. She probably thought like you it would be nice a break, bur the reality is it’s hit her like a ton of bricks and she’s struggling without him. There will be couples surrounding her and she probably feels very lonely. The last thing you should have done is have a chat with her last night. What she needs is a massive cuddle and reassurance that she’s doing amazing. She needs time and patience. Please look after her. There’s no handbook on how
to manage grief.

I'm also really shocked.
How is a recent widow supposed to behave?

Very much agree with this.

Is it just me or is the first few post on most threads always so blunt and insensitive, 'leave your husband', 'kick your son out', 'she shouldn't have gone' 'selfish behaviour'. Then it's great to see the more logical, calm, considered, reasonable responses come through....

Anyway I can only imagine she agreed to go on the holiday thinking she was OK then the all consuming grief and realisation that she would never go away with her husband again has hit her.

I would be sympathetic but you can also spend some time away from her to let her grieve, try and enjoy yourself still.

It's been less than a year since your MIL lost her husband, and she's still very much grieving. Presumably this is the first holiday she's had since her husband passed away? In which case, her emotions are going to be all over the place. She may feel sad he's not there to experience the holiday, but equally may feel guilty that she is. Grief is individual, there's no right or wrong way and there's no definitive timeline. You need to try and include her with everything, to keep her mind occupied. However, if she doesn't want to come out with you or doesn't want to engage, leave her be. Don't stay in because your MIL wants to do this, go out and enjoy yourselves. Make the best of the holiday.

This sentence in particular is awful We’ve paid for her flights & accommodation in a beautiful apartment but all she has done is sit on her own, barely spoken to any of us & wallow in almost self pity = we've paid, you perform.

Of course she is feeling self-pity, her husband died less than a year ago. Honestly shocking attitude, this thread surely can't be real?

Oh no, you poor thing! You were really kind in inviting her along and I’m sorry it isn’t working out x

The first and second year of grief really sucks. She probably shouldn't have gone.

I think the only thing you can do is go off somewhere and leave her to her thoughts. She should be encouraging it.

Tbh she's your husband's mother, it should be him chatting to her.

Maybe ask her how she would like to spend the rest of her stay or offer her an early flight home.if possible.

Yes indeed. As a widow (9 years as of yesterday actually) some of these responses have almost had me in tears. I expect most of them are from women with husbands too and absolutely no concept of what it's like to be without someone you've spent half your life with - to never, ever see them again. It's like being hit by an express train, over and over. I hope they receive sympathy in equal measure when it's their turn.

It's too early for her, she is still grieving. A couple of days away would have been enough at this stage, you meant well but she is not ready for a big family holiday abroad yet. She can't get home easily from there, has nowhere to go. Leave her be in the apartment, she will feel better if no pressure is put on here. The rest of you can enjoy yourselves.

Yes. But people grieve differently, different personalities. And I guess he has his wife and DC, his core family, his future. Losing your life partner is losing your future. Nobody can really know how they will react in any given situation until it happens to them, and even when a person has experienced an event, another person may not, or will not, experience it in the same way.

You’re mother in law is entitled to be miserable on holiday if she’s grieving.

you are entitled to have a good time. So keep gently inviting her along and carry on with your holiday.

you are not responsible for her happiness, and she doesn’t have to be cheery to please you either.

She's grieving. Having new experiences when bereaved can be agonising, because every time, especially something seasonal and annual like a summer holiday, you're thinking 'this is the first summer without X', 'this is the first time there's been an autumn without X in it' etc.

I absolutely get that grief is difficult to be around, but presumably you talked about this and recognised that she wasn't necessarily going to be the life and soul of the party before inviting her?

I think that's fair.

I’m old and I would not behave like this. Maybe you could offer her to go home as she is sad.
My mother was like this on a holiday with my sister’s family. We still talk about it and she has been dead since 2003! It turned out that it was the start of dementia. She was 78. Shock can often tigger dementia.
If she won’t go home ————
Enjoy your hard earned holiday. Try and let her “be” and you go out and have fun. 🤩

Fuck me. I’ve seen some harsh opening posts and responses on MN over the years but this one’s a shocker. Some of the responses leave me embarrassed for the sheer lack of emotional intelligence of some posters. And, @Summerispantsthisyear, I’m including you in this. Your MIL is recently widowed and you say she’s “moping”? You clearly have no idea how grief can immobilise a person. No doubt you’ll say that she shouldn’t have come if she wasn’t going to have fun. But how could she possibly have known how she was going to feel? Leave the poor woman alone, enjoy your holiday, but have some fucking compassion for the grieving mother of your bereaved DH.

"The bereaved cannot communicate with the unbereaved." ---Iris Murdoch

Be grateful you've never experienced widowhood, OP. Until you have, you just cannot understand.

It's reasonable of you to crack on with your holiday and have a nice time - of course, always giving her the option to come and be with you as much or as little as you're comfortable. Maybe bring her back nice things from your days out so she knows you were thinking of her, or offer some one on one time with her son? Sometimes it's nice to be invited even if you won't come - as long as she declines nicely and doesn't expect you to do nothing as well.

One thing I would say is that grief changes over time so don't assume she will be like this on all holidays from now on and not invite her. Especially now she's on her own!

This completely.

Plan your days and invite her or leave her int hr apartment as she chooses.

Don't spoil your holiday but unfortunately she can't just cheer up.

I’ve had people do this to me- invite me to things in the middle of horrendously painful periods in life and then be irritated that I’m a bit withdrawn at times and taking myself off. I didn’t know I would be sad, you can’t always tell in advance. Holidays create so much space for feelings to come up.
there was one particular person who did it a number of times, and I know that she very much rates herself as a Good Person and a rescuer. She meant well but was also was using me to feel good about herself. She continues to do it with other people.
They were such terribly lonely times for me. When you’re in that kind of pain the last think you need is to be given the message that you’re in the way and your quiet sadness/wanting to withdraw a bit isn’t welcome. Just give her space and be more tolerant , you invited grief on your holiday, please own that.

There are some truly horrible posts on this thread.

Your poor MIL. She's not 'moping', she's grieving. Perhaps this holiday has hit her harder than she expected. It must be incredibly difficult to be on holiday without her husband after however many years they were married.

Everyone is different, everyone grieves in different ways. To those who are saying 'I've been bereaved and I wouldn't behave that way', do you not understand that loss of a life partner hits everyone differently?

When my dad died, taking my mum on holiday was absolutely the best thing for her. It helped her come to terms with his loss. But for my MIL, when she lost her husband, she couldn't bear to be around lots of family for about 2 years after, because all she could think about was how my FIL wasn't there. She'd become quiet and withdrawn, and leave as soon as was politely possible. For three years, she would rather sit on her own at home on Christmas Day than come over, even for a quick drink.

OP, you've done a nice thing to ask your MIL to come on holiday with you. I'm sorry that it hasn't worked out quite as you had hoped. But now you need to cut the poor woman some slack, gain some empathy, and try to enjoy the rest of your time. If MIL needs a bit of space to wallow, then give that to her.