MIL on holiday with us at the moment but all she has done is mope

[Summerispantsthisyear]

We’re currently on holiday somewhere in Greece & have bought my husband’s Mum (who I get on with well) with us for around a week, she was widowed late last year & we thought it would be a lovely break for her, she’s close to our child (& we do not expect childcare at all) . We’ve paid for her flights & accommodation in a beautiful apartment but all she has done is sit on her own, barely spoken to any of us & wallow in almost self pity, making it really difficult for us to enjoy the first part of our family holiday. She took it upon herself without asking to invite a niece & partner of hers who are staying close by to join us at our apartment for drinks today but they’re now not coming, she’s upset & frankly I’ve found the whole first part of the trip exhausting having to tread on eggshells the entire time. I absolutely hate to sound selfish & thought we were doing the right thing but it’s been an absolute disaster & I feel horrible. I had an honest chat with her last night hoping things would change today but it seems to have fallen on deaf ears & we’re all back to square one. I feel awful even writing this but need to get it off my chest.

Give her space. Poor woman.

How frustrating for you that she agreed to come. She could so easily have stayed at home to continue her grieving.

I don't blame you for feeling disappointed OP. Lovely holidays in Greece aren't 10 a penny and I'm sure you've been looking forward to it for a long time. You and dh were generous and thoughtful towards your MIL and it hasn't been a success. That's a real shame.

If I say yes you won’t believe me, if I say no I’m wrong.

Death is part of life, she’s an older lady, not 40. Attitude is everything and I’m sorry but you’ve got to push on. It IS horrible, it is hard, it isn’t going to change.

My Dmum was the one that told me this, she still had my Ddad at that point, but not any more.

Maybe she thought it would be good to get away but it wasn't until she was away she realised how much she missed him and maybe she didn't realise that she would struggle to enjoy it without him. Have a bloody heart.

It’s such an individual thing - my FIL was very stoic and jolly on a holiday with us 10 weeks after my MIL died - his view was he had such a shit 18 months prior to this he was going to enjoy it but I get not everyone is like that - I would just say ‘you seem to be struggling a bit , would you like some time on your own and for us just to do our own thing- ??

Depends what form the moping takes. If she's simply sitting there in her own world being sad and withdrawn, but being polite and not making unreasonable demands, then I'd respect she's feeling miserable, and tell her nicely that you understood, were going to carry on as normal and she could join in as she felt like it. If she's being demanding of your time, being overtly negative or complaining, then your H may want to set some boundaries about how much attention you can give her.

She took it upon herself without asking to invite a niece & partner of hers who are staying close by to join us at our apartment for drinks today but they’re now not coming, she’s upset & frankly I’ve found the whole first part of the trip exhausting having to tread on eggshells the entire time. M

Is she sociable and not moping with her other children, siblings, niece etc and just saving her moping for you and DH? That would annoy me.

I remember decades ago, my grandfather died the day before my birthday.
It was my first death - I was 21.
But my grandparents had been married for over 60 years.
To keep things as normal as possible, my mum had the family get together for a dinner and brought Nana - she gave me card with some cash in it and she signed it “Love, Nana.”
That really got me.
But we laughed and told stories about Grandpa and even Nana had a nice time.
I miss them both.

Fucking hell some of the responses on here, honest to god I despair.

The poor woman is grieving. Grief isn't linear and she is obviously really struggling and needs understanding not telling her that she is miserable and moping.

Everyone deals with things differently. Not everyone can 'just get on with it' and not everyone can just put a smile on when they are feeling broken inside.

Maybe she went because she thought it would be good for her but on getting there has realised how much she is missing her husband.

Her first holiday without him and she is probably thinking of all the things he is missing out on. God forbid that she feel a little down about it.

She probably feels lonely too. It is possible to be surrounded by people/family and still feel lonely and the void she is feeling from not having her husband with her could be really affecting her.

Have a bloody heart people.

Yes, in hindsight she probably shouldn't have come and may have been better at home.

The woman needs some space, some understanding and some gentleness and to be shown patience and some empathy. If she doesn't want to join in things then so be it. No reason for you to not enjoy your holiday too.

Put yourself in her shoes, or rather, hope you won't one day be in her shoes.

My partner died when I was in my forties so I know how it feels-however it’s out of order for her to behave like this. I’m not sure how you can change a person’s outlook though. She’s very lucky you invited her, but I wouldn’t invite her again.

This is what I was thinking. Everyone’s grief is different. Poor woman. 🥹

Yes, and snap out of that 'funk', of course! 🙄

The point ppl are trying to make is her behaviour, which is to the point of ruining the whole holiday, is not OK. We generally know ourselves, if she was not in a good head space she shouldn't have accepted the invite or she still knows words, she can speak and say how shes feeling without behaving so badly, inviting others then throwing a strop that they are no longer coming.

Sorry but I just can't get on board with all this "poor woman" stuff.

If she wasn't ready to go on holiday then she shouldn't have gone. She could have thanked OP for her generous offer and declined.

Maybe for some of you, holidays are easy to come by. For some people they are bloody hard to save for. And having that time ruined because you tried to do something nice would be really shit.

She lost her husband nine months ago. Decision making won’t be her strong point at the moment. And there’s no reason OP should have her holiday ruined - she can still stick to her plans and include MiL as and when she feels up to it. The lack of understanding of the grieving process on here is really concerning.

The holiday may well have exacerbated her grief and feelings of loneliness seeing you and DH together and remembering happy times with hers. Try and tell her you understand that

Just tell her the plans for the day and ask if she is coming. If she says no then go and enjoy yourselves and she can mope alone

i get that her husband died not that long ago but if she was going to mope she should have stayed at home

She's grieving. She needs to have the space to do that and be left in peace if she needs.

She possibly did think/hope that the holiday would be good for her, and would help and indeed, there could be only one way to find out. In reality though, it has probably made her feel the loss of her husband even more keenly at the moment because she is still in the very early stages of grieving and trying to heal after his death, which was only a few short months ago.

Some people on here do seem to have had an empathy bypass, perhaps including the OP. What was the "chat" you had? Was it "pull yourself together" in nature? I hope not, but only OP knows and she does come across as potentially that type.

Understanding and sympathy are needed but may be in short supply. People are not just suddenly over a major bereavement in a few short months. My FIL died 12 years before my MIL did. I'm not sure she ever got over it though she did get better at dealing with it. Same for my elderly mother. My Dad died four years ago and she will never really be over him - just deals with it better, at least on the face of it.

You need to extend your mil more grace here. Everyone grieves differently, its not linear, she may have felt fine to come but is struggling now she's there.

In your shoes I would continue to include her so she can opt in/out as she sees fit. Have your nice holiday, your way, but giving her the space to join or take time to herself.

I wonder if she feels closer to/more comfortable with her niece and was looking forward to seeing her. I asked before OP, what does her son say?

It’s understandable if MIL is feeling down, but if that’s the case then stay home or fly home early - you’ve got to put yourself in OP shoes and realise how draining this would actually be.

Grief can creep up when you don’t expect it too. It’s been 5 years since my mum passed but for some reason I found last Christmas quite difficult (even though I’d had several without her already). But that of course doesn’t mean that she should be putting a downer on the rest of your holiday, so I’d go about my holiday as normal, and she can join in if and when she pleases.

Could you ask how she'd like to spend the rest of her holiday? She might want/need some time alone if she does, then let her. You can still go and do what you planned. If it's nearby just tell her to text if she changes her mind.

Can you include her in the smaller decisions that don't require her to really do anything but shows you haven't forgotten about her?

*MiL we can't decide where to go/what to cook for dinner, what do you fancy?

If she doesn't want dinner, that's ok. I'd probably say there's some stuff in the fridge or some leftovers if you get hungry later and leave it at that.

*MiL we're at the supermarket, do you want us to pick up some more of that ice cream/snack/juice you like?

No she doesn't want it. That's ok, just grab the one you like.

*MiL if you don't feel like a picnic on the beach, I'll leave you some (insert picnic foods) in the fridge for you.

If she doesn't eat it, somebody will polish it off on a midnight raid of the fridge.

As another poster said, grief is not linear. Sometimes it comes back and kicks you in the face again. Perhaps she's been able to put on a brave face for short durations but can't do it 24/7. You're seeing the full picture of her grief. That's probably hard for her too. Bless her ❤

I don’t understand why it ruins your holiday

whats stopping you doing things without her, going swimming going for drinks etc

And as a grief counsellor I can tell you that ‘pushing on’ is nigh on impossible at nine months post bereavement. Grief takes time to process and it’s not a linear thing. You can be fine one day, and right back at the start the next. It doesn’t matter what age she is. Grief is different for everyone and the fact that the lady is older probably means she’s spent the majority of her adult life with her late husband. What she’s facing is a completely new life without her life partner. That’s monumental and nine months in is nowhere near enough for most people to process the loss and come to terms with it. I would be asking if there are any significant dates falling on the holiday, or has anything triggered a memory which she finds distressing. Or has seeing people in couples just made her feel more alone. This woman is in her first year on this journey and is likely to have faced many significant ‘firsts’. The lack of empathy and understanding posters are showing is astounding.