MIL on holiday with us at the moment but all she has done is mope

[Summerispantsthisyear]

We’re currently on holiday somewhere in Greece & have bought my husband’s Mum (who I get on with well) with us for around a week, she was widowed late last year & we thought it would be a lovely break for her, she’s close to our child (& we do not expect childcare at all) . We’ve paid for her flights & accommodation in a beautiful apartment but all she has done is sit on her own, barely spoken to any of us & wallow in almost self pity, making it really difficult for us to enjoy the first part of our family holiday. She took it upon herself without asking to invite a niece & partner of hers who are staying close by to join us at our apartment for drinks today but they’re now not coming, she’s upset & frankly I’ve found the whole first part of the trip exhausting having to tread on eggshells the entire time. I absolutely hate to sound selfish & thought we were doing the right thing but it’s been an absolute disaster & I feel horrible. I had an honest chat with her last night hoping things would change today but it seems to have fallen on deaf ears & we’re all back to square one. I feel awful even writing this but need to get it off my chest.

I’m a ‘Boomer’ so we’re all my friends, most of my colleagues and my sister.

We all went to university, relationship breakups, we all ‘lived alone’ at several points in our life. Some lived alone for all of it.

Such bollocks and generalisation about his a previous generation lived.

This!

Bloody hell OP- it's a holiday. She's sad, as could be expected. You don't have to focus on it.

You guys are her closest family, she's processing her grief. Shame on you both that you can't be a bit kinder.
I despair

I suspect if it was OP's mother, this thread wouldn't exist....

Such heartless comments on here, it’s sickening to read some of these replies.

That’s the way it looks to me too.

She's grieving and her worst crimes include sitting on her own, not talking much and almost wallowing in self pity.

For one minute can't you put yourself in her shoes. She has lost per long term partner. Her world has been turned upside now.

Maybe you would be all cartwheels and rainbows but the average person takes quite some time to get to grips with it. In fact most never do, their world has

It's horrible that you describe her grief as wallowing in self pitting. I suspect I would wallowing in self pity for a while if my partner died.

Ever single time I think MNs can no longer surprise me, it does yet again.....have some of you never experienced grief? I am shocked that there are so many people posting who appear to have not even a modicum of understanding or empathy.

She's not moaning and minging - she's grieving. Her husband only died a few months ago. She is still overwhelmed by her loss.

Christ it's one holiday, just leave her alone if that's what she wants, no biggie for you. Ask her in the morning if she's up to stuff, say you understand if she wants to be left alone and go do your thing, have a bit of sympathy. My mother in law was whooping it up weeks after fil died and and left her £££££, you'd have loved it on holiday with her, I didn't, she was a fucking embarrassment frankly. 😂

This, and the other compassionate responses. God, your poor MiL. I feel very, very sorry for her. She may well have not anticipated how she would feel, but she is newly widowed and experiencing all the 'firsts' as a widow. She is not 'wallowing in self pity' ffs. Jeez.

I don’t need you to tell me what grief is when a husband dies. I know, because I’ve lived it. My opinion might differ from yours but it’s no less valid.

Clearly I'm the weird one here. Because when I was widowed I was at pains to not let my grief affect those around me. Of course it's devastating to lose a spouse, and even now, after some years, something will hit me hard. But I've always just quietly found myself a bit of space to recover myself, and kept myself together for others.

There's no way, ever, that I would have let my behaviour ruin a holiday or a day out for those I love most. If I braved a decision that didn't quite work out, it was my problem and I didn't make it anyone else's. Particularly not my daughters', given that they were grieving their dad, too. I wanted the three of us to still experience happiness without guilt.

Both my MIL and my own mum managed to do the same, and I don't think it's unusual at all.

This is an all time low on Mumsnet, for MIL comments.

speaking generally I would say,

Unless you are the person bereaved (or have been to someone that close) then imo you don’t have any right to berate someone for not being happy. Losing your spouse is the most awful thing in the whole world and until you’ve been there and got that t shirt you have no idea.

but I also agree that ‘spoiling’ a holiday is not great either. Get DH to chat with her kindly about what it’s about and see if you can find a solution.

signed by someone who recently lost their nearest and dearest and find social and life in general incredibly hard without my love beside me.

Comparing grief is a lousy thing to do. There is no right and wrong way to experience losing a life partner. The OP's MiL is not grieving 'incorrectly.'

After 18 years on MN, I thought I'd seen the run of MiL stuff, but I'm pretty appalled at some of the comments on this thread.

Awful post. And the dil sounds awful too

Mil isn’t a performing dog. Surely they anticipated something like this before they went? And if not why not?

We took MIL in same situation. We did it to help and support her. We knew she’d be sad, but tried to help her. Someone was always available to listen ( we timetabled it)I bet if it was op’s dm she wouldn’t be moaning.

You’re projecting here. I was very careful in my wording, I said ‘sometimes’ and ‘many’. My mum went to university too, but had never lived alone. The vast, vast majority of her friendship group - from then and in adulthood first lived alone after bereavement or divorce later in life. That will be the same for many (see - m-a-n-y) of her generation. And that’s is probably also geographically determined on some ways, eg if you live in London or another big city this is unlikely to be the case in any generation.

But go ahead and go all Boomer on me, god how boring it is to internet these days, when you have to explain in detail every potential exemption to your comment.

Yes I've already re-read and adjusted my comment!

MIL hasn't done anything but sitting quietly with her thoughts and not joining in much, which is fair enough in my book.

For some reason I read it entirely differently to what it was the first time around and could see my error when I went back to check the OP.

Absolutely - people saying: “Well it happened to me and I behaved so much better and didn’t let it affect anyone around me.” It’s not an Olympic sport - there are no medals here.

I would much rather grieve as jointly as possible with family - share the lows, enjoy the ridiculous highs (because they exist too) - and just let people do it in a way makes sense for them.

If anyone hid their grief from me I would feel like I had failed in a way. I say that as someone with a mother who is a bloody static rock and barely lets anyone in - ever. Twice she has and it’s made all the difference in my relationship with my stoic little Mammy. And then of course she denies it all
or glosses over it the next day because that is how she deals with stuff… but I know and when my Dad goes I will play it her way but I will know.

It can be very unhealthy not to show your grief - my Dad has issues to this day about how people responded when his dad died and that was 62 years ago…

Maybe she thought she’d be okay but the reality of her loss has hit her? It’s very early days still

Continue your holiday and let her mope.

Some of the responses on here are unbelievably heartless.

She's just lost her husband less than one year ago. She will likely still be struggling with grief and it shouldn't have come as a great surprise to the OP that she's not going to be especially happy.

It doesn't sound like she's actively doing anything to ruin the holiday. Just being quiet and keeping to herself. That is ok and there's really nothing you can do to change that if that is state of mind she is in.

Honestly-it sounds like you're bothered not because of concern for her-but because you don't want your holiday ruined which fine, valid and fair-no one wants a holiday spoiled-but she's not actively doing that. It doesn't sound like she's turning up, poolside, and moaning about every little thing. It sounds like she's just being quiet and stewing in her own company a bit.

There's nothing you can really do except to start focusing on how you start enjoying your holiday. Check in on her regularly, keep the invites open but let her do her own thing, too. Let her enjoy her holiday in her way, not feel forced to participate lest she ruin your time. That's not a fair or reasonable pressure on her.

Jesus! So many people on this thread who will clap their hands together and say ‘oh well onwards and upwards!’ when their dhs die!!! No wonder mn has become the cesspit it has when people are calling someone selfish for grieving a year after a loss

FFS her DH died.

Actually I’m officially Gen Jones. ( born 64)

Boomers II and one year before Gen X (I’m Gen X, but the end).