To not accommodate DH holiday plans

[NotWashingTowelsDaily]

Long time MNer, name changed. I’ve just had a big argument resulting in DH slamming around and walking out. Trying to get perspective.

DH goes on holiday with a small group twice a year. He has form for booking with his mates then telling me with minimal notice, which means I have to flex to cover my job and DC’s needs at last minute. He has a stressful job and set work hours. My job is more flexible but I do most of the child related stuff and juggling of both. Last time he did this sudden holiday announcement (June) I objected as it was massively inconvenient and after a tense ‘discussion’ we had a long talk about talking plans through together, shared responsibilities etc. He took this on board (I thought). He asked mates to move the holiday and they all re booked for end of August. Returning Sunday night. Dates agreed, written in home calendar and work diary. All good.

Except I’ve just been chatting about some meetings I’ve got on the Monday and he’s casually dropped that he’s taking an extra day off and won’t be back until Monday night. He can’t ‘mess his mates around again’ and I’ll have to cancel work commitments or take the day off. I have told him firmly that no, I’m not doing this. Full disclosure I’ll admit I’m cross (I haven’t shouted) and feel totally disrespected. He is absolutely fuming that I can’t be nice and I will ruin the holiday. Hence slamming on table and angry exit.

YABU - you could ask for emergency or parental leave, call in sick or something, no big deal. You usually make it work and it will spoil his holiday and really mess his mates around again if you don’t.

YANBU - His mistake, he should take it on the chin and either admit to his mates he’s messed up and change dates again or he doesn’t go.

Omg I can't even with all these bloody man- children.
YANBU. But he is. He's putting himself and his mates above you and your children.
It’s that simple.
Sorry but this isn't an equal partnership.

He's pushing your boundaries by the sounds of it. Just to see what he can get away with. You already know this though and I wish I had a solution other than putting your foot down.

Selfish wee shite.

This has got golf written all over it. I bet the selfish arse takes himself off for a full day playing every weekend too.

Well, taking this trip/issue on its own, the answer is obvious: you have work meetings, so no, you cannot just accommodate his sudden change of plan. I'd just say that, repeat and refuse to be drawn into anything else.

Bigger picture, though: referring to staying with a gravely ill relative as a 'jolly' is in my book unforgivable.
I'd stick to my guns about this particular occasion, and then I would seriously think about the relationship.

He can't mess his friends around but he has no problem messing you around. That speaks volumes.

Sorry OP but he sounds deeply unpleasant and potentially emotionally/verbally abusive.

I can feel the frustration and sadness from your updates. You sound well-balanced and smart but utterly fed up with his lack of respect. He's not even on your team. 😥

If you back down now, nothing will change. But actually is he ever going to change into a decent person?

This adds another layer of pisstakery tbh (mum of 2 disabled kids here who also has very limited childcare options)

Of course your stay when visiting your ill father was not a ‘jolly’
But why does he think his actual jollies should be accommodated if he disapproves of them?

He said this!? Ok, on top of everything else you've stated about his behaviour, he is treating you like his mother. He gets to have fun, you clean up the mess.

You've discussed it abd agreed dates and he's just gone and booked different dates.

He needs to start acting like a husband abd father abd not a single bloke.

It needs to stress him out. It’s a problem entirely of his own creation, he needs to solve it by himself. If you keep accommodating his unreasonableness he’ll never do any different, he’ll just carry on as he pleases while you twist yourself in knots trying to clean up his mess. You’re not objecting to him going on holiday, just to him expecting you to rearrange everything at short notice to fit it with him. When you have children that are young enough or have different needs to actually need to be looked after you have to plan for that. He doesn’t seem to understand the basic concept of parenting. Does he think his job is the important one and yours is worthless by any chance?

My take is that over the years he’s simply got used to taking “me time” as and when he wants and has lost all thanks and perspective about the pressure it puts you under

Yes I think this is it @BreadInCaptivity. And even when it’s pointed out, he takes it as criticism or me moaning.

Thank you so much! That’s such a lovely offer.

We have two DC with complex needs so I totally get about the difficulty of last minute arrangements being dropped on you.

Previously as I am off all summer (teacher) I had been trying to manage both the children with my DH taking on big work projects. I have had to have a lot of conversations with him to get the point across that I can’t manage it all and was going back to work more tired than end of term. Though he has never reacted negatively to me bringing it up - this response from your DH is awful given he actually had quite a bit of time away!

Can I ask you something very very serious? If you could remain in your home with the same finances, but with him no longer in the picture, would you leap at the chance??

Does he bring anything to the table to give you joy?

I totally 💯 get that you may just be stuck and very possibly scared (?) because it could/would be a different life, but if you honestly feel that you could be happier than you are now, then maybe you could look at plans for the future without him?

It is far from easy making that decision though . Sending love and proper Weksh Cwtches, because I suspect you still love him no matter how he treats you??

On a side note, dont let him do anything to manipulate you into giving up/losing your job! This is your power against him. Save up. Save your holidays. Take your child and with no notice/warning to him, leave! Few hours, few days or longer. Just use your holidays from work.

Let him call, but ignore them. Don't engage verbally. Reply with short texts. Tell him you are trying to get the feel for being a single parent and you have a lot to think about. You will be back (dont say the word home) when you are ready. If at all. Give him directions to the supermarket and how to cook. If not, beans on toast is the way forward until you make a decision!!

Can the children go to a holiday club for the day? My daughter loves going to holiday clubs sometimes

@NotWashingTowelsDaily Unfortunately I think, regardless of anything said, he will come back on Monday just expecting you to deal with everything.
You shouldn't have to arrange this on your own, but are there any experienced people who could stay with your child on that day? Your child will be under a medical care team. Could they point you towards a qualified carer or agency maybe?
Sorry, I have no personal experience of this so it maybe a daft suggestion.

Your husband sounds a very selfish man. You both have stress. He takes care of his with no consideration for you and at your expense. He treats you like a domestic appliance. You deserve better.

@NotWashingTowelsDaily you need to call out his foul mood for what it is. Bullying, pure and simple.

He’s happy to make the whole family miserable rather than fix an issue of his own making.

He just wants you to capitulate to him again.

Is there any situation where he puts yours or the children’s needs ahead of his own?

This man goes away twice a year every year with his mates and doesnt give you much notice but you're the one asking if you're being unreasonable? 🤔

This is hard to think through and give simple answers but I’ll try to be honest.

DH has had struggles in the past and I’ve tried hard to support him. I’ve put a hell of a lot into this relationship. He can be, and often is, a fun and happy guy when he’s not under pressure.

Practically speaking, sharing DD’s care with DH day to day means I can go out (I mean leave the house). Keeping a job and preserving my own wellbeing depends on this.

I realise we’re getting into more tricky territory here.

Everything you’ve said you’re right about OP, he’s totally unreasonable.

I know you’ve got a lot going on, but you need to be stronger and stand up for yourself more.

POI, do you get two childfree holidays a year with your friends? I hope so.

Crazy that he can't SEE now how much you have juggled to make it work and be grateful for the past not throw a toddler tantrum. Waiting til last min to tell you is calculated aswell, it's worked in the past for him to do that so you feel you have to scramble to make his plans work, it's a sneaky tactic.

Why can't he come back earlier, risking the ire of his mates but who gives af tbh

Sounds like he doesn't want to admit to his mates that he can't always do as he pleases, his relationship with his friends is, to him, at least as important as his one with his family

Practically speaking, sharing DD’s care with DH day to day means I can go out (I mean leave the house). Keeping a job and preserving my own wellbeing depends on this.

And here's the rub.

My kids aren't disabled, and my ex travelled a lot for work, so I was used to a fair amount of solo-parenting, but the one thing that really hit home, and I had to keep safely locked away in my head so it didn't break me - luckily it was during lockdown when we split, so TBH, everyone was in the same boat anyway, was that once they were in bed, I still couldn't do anything for myself because I couldn't leave the house (although at least I can go to the hassle of finding a baby sitter, even though that doubles the cost of the evening at least)

Realistically, would a guy like this take on their fair share of childcare? Come anywhere near to 50/50? Only you can estimate the chances of that, but what you're risking is that he's like mine, and leaves you entirely alone, perhaps seeing the children once or twice or month.

Mind you, that just makes your job all the more important - without it you'd be completely trapped.

If it all goes to pot, and he doesn't come back until Monday then I would tell my boss why I think. And obviously, I'd be getting my ducks in a row - he must know that it would be relationship ending to do that.