To not accommodate DH holiday plans

[NotWashingTowelsDaily]

Long time MNer, name changed. I’ve just had a big argument resulting in DH slamming around and walking out. Trying to get perspective.

DH goes on holiday with a small group twice a year. He has form for booking with his mates then telling me with minimal notice, which means I have to flex to cover my job and DC’s needs at last minute. He has a stressful job and set work hours. My job is more flexible but I do most of the child related stuff and juggling of both. Last time he did this sudden holiday announcement (June) I objected as it was massively inconvenient and after a tense ‘discussion’ we had a long talk about talking plans through together, shared responsibilities etc. He took this on board (I thought). He asked mates to move the holiday and they all re booked for end of August. Returning Sunday night. Dates agreed, written in home calendar and work diary. All good.

Except I’ve just been chatting about some meetings I’ve got on the Monday and he’s casually dropped that he’s taking an extra day off and won’t be back until Monday night. He can’t ‘mess his mates around again’ and I’ll have to cancel work commitments or take the day off. I have told him firmly that no, I’m not doing this. Full disclosure I’ll admit I’m cross (I haven’t shouted) and feel totally disrespected. He is absolutely fuming that I can’t be nice and I will ruin the holiday. Hence slamming on table and angry exit.

YABU - you could ask for emergency or parental leave, call in sick or something, no big deal. You usually make it work and it will spoil his holiday and really mess his mates around again if you don’t.

YANBU - His mistake, he should take it on the chin and either admit to his mates he’s messed up and change dates again or he doesn’t go.

I’ve been saying the same phrase since I was 17 to people who think they can run roughshod over me and take advantage and I’ll just lie down and take it: ”tough darts.”

@NotWashingTowelsDaily - You are evidently a very strong and capable woman but to be blunt, your husband is NOT pulling his weight, You also have a stressful role, you work and look after the family, one of whom has additional needs, that is a lot to cope with.

I have to say that the implication is that he can't relax and de-stress with his family, and that is not good. I would like to bet that there are few families where one of the parents gets two separate week long holidays away from their responsibilities and certainly when they do not have to reciprocate.

Purely from what you have said, your husband minimises the stress this puts on you and considers his own welfare over that of his family - its not what a reasonable partner would do..

You need to take yourself off for a few short notice weekend breaks and leave him to it and seem if you can ram the message home about how demanding it is. He needs someone to give him a real good talking to and it needs to be you but maybe with the help of a counsellor or therapist.

And you need to value yourself more and what you bring to the relationship.

Is it possible that his mates are egging him on to show you who's boss?

What is he like when he's not away with the mates, I mean day to day. Do you get out together (+ kids) at the weekends, do you ever have date nights, does he contribute to the work in the house and other childcare? Basically is it 50/50 or 10 (him)/ 90 (you) most of the time.

At least look at the overall picture, and then slot it in to the Mates break behaviour. I think everyone deserves a break with mates, but not the way he's doing it. But I'd say he has form every day anyway.

Doesnt want to mess his friends around, or doesn't want to admit to them that he fucked up?

and of course you messing clients/colleagues around instead is totally ok 🙄

Do you have a family holiday @NotWashingTowelsDaily ? If not book one for next year. And also book whatever he has had this year fir next year. Start mirroring his actions.

He's not even on your team I think this is the thing that hurts most @MeridianB
I’ve used that phrase similarly so many times, that if we work as a team it’s so much better. Why can’t he?

Agree with this. Don't back down, OP.

He sounds more and more like my ex with your every post ex. He is very selfish.

Aside from the immediate issue, the constant drip drip of your (justified) resentment will kill your feelings for him.

Because it suits him to put himself first.

Im so sorry OP, he’s being extremely selfish and manipulative in doing this. Both by conveniently ignoring the agreement made in June and by now sulking and raging to try to bully you into submission. Let’s face it, it’s not like he can’t understand the concept. He managed to book the time off work didn’t he? He knows he has to do that before booking, so why would asking you about suitable dates at the same time be so hard? It’s clearly not. I’m afraid for some reason he resents having to ask as he feels entitled to have complete freedom. What about you? Seems like you don’t come into it at all, apart from to facilitate him. Do NOT back down. And I’d be seriously considering your longer term future with someone that just won’t communicate with you in good faith and who uses anger to control you when you exercise a completely reasonable boundary.

Thank you for everyone’s responses, a lot to think about. It’s been difficult seeing the situation reflected back to me with no sugar coating but I think I needed to hear it.

I haven’t read the entire thread but I think this issue is a bit of a red herring @NotWashingTowelsDaily.

He sounds like he’s completely checked out of family life. To take multiple holidays a year not with family, to leave the juggling and kids and life admin up to you - that is not how a partner, a husband behaves.

I would really struggle to have any respect for a man who called a visit to a desperately
ill relative’a jolly’.

This man has no respect for you. Apparently you exist only to smooth his path, care for his child, provide an income, soothe him by jumping to his demands, and making sure you STFU when he doesn’t like what you say. Does he have any redeeming features?

In this situation I would be insisting that he sorts the childcare arrangements with a deadline to run them by you. As others have said, I suspect a Monday return was planned all along, and he either planned to deliberately sabotage your work as an act of revenge, or he just genuinely does not give a shit about the inconvenience to you and your child.

I would be tempted to book an easily cancellable Travelodge from the Thursday ( if he goes away on the Friday) to the Monday, to ensure that you are available for work on the Monday, unless he has a watertight childcare arrangement in place. Childcare then becomes his problem from the outset.

"an overnight stay after visiting my seriously ill DF in hospital as it was too far to go and get back in a day. I remember DH asking why I was staying overnight and turning it into ‘a jolly’."

How anyone would have such collossal cheek to say something like this and have zero self awareness of how shit it is to say that.

So he works extra long hours - and you hold the fort
He takes regular short notice holidays - and you hold the fort.
When do you get some down time? And I don't mean work time?

And because you've pointed out that you have a job you need to hold on to and that he can't just chop and change and expect you to accomodate him, he's thrown an massive ugly strop.. and you are categorised as a moaner, preventing him from living his life etc..

Utterly entitled.

So sorry OP. I have no advice but every sympathy for you being so taken for granted.
A pp suggested going to counselling so he would at least have to see things from your point of view. At least that might give you some ideas of how to start dealing with this.
But I think you need to start focussing on your own wants and needs.

Maybe he needs to look at his work life balance and get a job that he can cope with.

He sounds like an utter twunt by the way.

He can’t ‘mess his mates around again’ and I’ll have to cancel work commitments or take the day off.

He holds down a demanding job and he cannot tell some blokes he's supposed to be friends with that he needs to come back on the Sunday,,, because he can't "mess" them around.

That is the weakest lamest excuse I've ever heard. Is he really that spineless? or has he just decided he wants Monday off at all costs? (as pps have suggested Monday was probably always the plan and he knew you might object so he's trying to present it as such short notice it can't be changed.)

OP, you have mentioned him being under pressure and having a stressful job but surely you are under pressure and stressed too dealing with a child with complex needs ? When is he taking leave to look after her to let you go out for a day, away for a week ?

I would have had problems getting over the ‘jolly’ comment.

I have been thinking about this post all afternoon.

Coming back on Monday doesn’t make sense to me. Presumably the others (at least some) will themselves have work and want to be back on Sunday.

I actually think he might be lining up a female treat for himself on the Sunday night. Did the previous difficulties relate to him trying to dip his wick elsewhere?

He can't pretend to pick and mix as he wants and others juggling about at his convenience.

Married man with children has TWO holidays a year with his mates???
Hmmmm ( and I am a married man) !!!!!
Wake up !!!!

It does sound like he thinks you're the total default parent and he's really just visiting the family and anything that gets in the way of his plans is just mummy telling him off....

Is coming back Sunday an option OP? How is he travelling?

I would be having a long think about whether your life would be better without him. Would he co-parent and pull his weight if you split, would you manage financially?

Ask to see the booking of whatever is keeping him late on the Monday, if it was booked same time as trip it shows he knows he's fucking you about

This has made me so angry.

Your husband is a complete cunt. My god. How does he have the audacity?