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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be feeling so upset over this?

267 replies

SunnyStrawberries · 06/08/2025 10:25

Hi everyone, I just need to get something off my chest and maybe hear some outside perspectives because I’m really struggling with how I'm feeling at the moment.
For context, over the years we’ve been on a few family holidays that included myself, my husband and our kids, my in-laws (his parents), and my husband’s sister and her family. While we’ve generally had good times but it's not always been 'perfect'. My husband and his sister parent very differently, and that’s caused a few minor issues in the past. Things like me saying yes to our kids having an ice cream and her saying no to hers – which then leads to meltdowns and somehow becomes our fault. Nothing huge, just little clashes now and then.
However, the last holiday we went on together a few years ago ended badly. After a minor issue about splashing in the pool, my sister-in-law completely lost it with my husband in front of everyone – shouting that he’s a rubbish parent, that I’m lazy, and even saying her kids are scared of him. It was really awful. She accused him of “puffing out his chest trying to be the big man” which couldn’t have been further from the truth. He stood silently and in shock, didn’t react, and just walked away and was actually gutted about what she said and they way she said it in front of everyone. It felt to me like it came from years of built-up resentment she hadn’t addressed. I still get quite emotional thinking about it.
After that, both my husband and his sister (separately) told their parents that they wouldn’t be doing any more big family holidays – the tension was too much. We cancelled the holiday we had already booked for the following year. We didn’t speak at all for months, but eventually we got to a place where we could be civil again. Things are ok now but nothing like before.
Now on to my problem... my sister-in-law recently booked a family holiday and invited my in-laws who agreed to going with them. They’ve all gone away together – and we weren’t even considered. Not even a message or conversation to see how we felt about it. My MIL only told us after it was already booked. I know we said we wouldn’t do joint holidays again, and truthfully we probably would’ve said no anyway. But to not even be included in the discussion – especially after working to be civil again – feels like a slap in the face. I wouldn't even consider asking my in laws to come on a holiday with us because I wouldn't want to put them in an awkward situation and I wouldn't want to put my nieces and nephews in a position where they would feel excluded.
I’m heartbroken for my kids, who now see their grandparents and cousins on a holiday without them. It feels like such a massive step backwards for our family, like we’re being pushed out. I just can’t shake the feeling of being excluded and like we don’t matter. I've cried multiple times since they went last week.
Am I being unreasonable to be so upset about it or do I just need to get a grip?

OP posts:
Original poster
SunnyStrawberries · 06/08/2025 15:47

Tippertapperfeet · 06/08/2025 15:40

This is what I’m trying to say.

Having one who carries it on - and I’ve had one of those - you need to come down hard on that. That’s bullying. And it’s nasty.

how many other people know you well enough to actually tell you your kids are rude? That’s not something I’d say to anyone except a sibling.

I think you’re upset because you’ve realised that the closeness you thought you had was an illusion. And that really you’re very different.

maybe you’ll be close again. But for now, build the bridges slowly - start to parent effectively in front of BIL and SIL when they see you and your kids.

I really do just think you’re too different for a protected period of time together at close quarters.

Show quote history

Yes I think our closeness was an illusion on my part which makes me feel quite foolish and sad. I can only try and improve things from now.

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 06/08/2025 15:51

SunnyStrawberries · 06/08/2025 11:12

I think what I wanted was just a conversation before it was booked (definitely not an invite!). Something along the lines of 'After last time we all agreed not to go on holiday as a big family but we are going to invite mum and dad away with us'. Perhaps it's the lack of conversation that's bothering me it was just booked. I thought we were in a place where we could at least talk about it but I do understand that they owe me nothing and I am being dramatic about it. I think it's just brought back to me that we are not close like we used to be and that's what has upset me

Show quote history

They don’t need your permission, you all agreed to no more joint holidays. Possibly going forward, you arrange to go with pil on alternate years. What did your pil say about the row?

Horses7 · 06/08/2025 15:52

hmmimnotsurewhy · 06/08/2025 10:30

You’re being ridiculous. You decide no more family holidays so what on earth do you need to be considered over? That doesn’t make sense at all. Your SIL did nothing wrong by inviting her parents to the holiday.
why are YOU making a drama over this?
Surely you just book your own family holiday and invite the IL?

its only an issue for your kids because you’re making it one.
I think you are looking to make problems here.
You asked - you need to get a massive grip

Once again first post nails it 👍

AuntyDepressant · 06/08/2025 15:55

Why would you even want to be involved in the discussion if you’ve already said you are never going on any family holidays again? It doesn’t make any sense. Being upset about that is almost like being upset that you don’t have anything to be upset about. You’re conflating two different things here. She didn’t say she was never going on holiday with her parents again.

Tippertapperfeet · 06/08/2025 15:57

I’ll give you an example from our disastrous holiday @SunnyStrawberries

I had 3. One of them wasn’t my ex husbands he was born when I was 16 and was significantly older than the other kids who were on the holiday. My two youngest were 3 and 5 and my BIL and SIL had one who was 2 and a bit.

there was no understanding that DS wasn’t the same as the other kids and wouldn’t want the kids menus and kids entertainment. He was late teens. Why would there be. He was older and mine and nothing to them but it was hard to watch him being left out and not considered.

everyone else was on holiday mode and doing none of the grunt work and I was resentful as fuck.

one of my youngers was lactose intolerant and the in laws were eating ice cream at every turn and my wee one was in tears. And was accused of making a fuss as her cousin was licking the ice cream right up in her face.

There were issues with going out to eat coz SIL and BIL allowed their wee one to wander round the restaurant talking to people coz they thought it was cute.

there were so many small things that really on their own were nothing to write home about but added together it was hell for me.

Frugalgal · 06/08/2025 15:59

SunnyStrawberries · 06/08/2025 10:25

Hi everyone, I just need to get something off my chest and maybe hear some outside perspectives because I’m really struggling with how I'm feeling at the moment.
For context, over the years we’ve been on a few family holidays that included myself, my husband and our kids, my in-laws (his parents), and my husband’s sister and her family. While we’ve generally had good times but it's not always been 'perfect'. My husband and his sister parent very differently, and that’s caused a few minor issues in the past. Things like me saying yes to our kids having an ice cream and her saying no to hers – which then leads to meltdowns and somehow becomes our fault. Nothing huge, just little clashes now and then.
However, the last holiday we went on together a few years ago ended badly. After a minor issue about splashing in the pool, my sister-in-law completely lost it with my husband in front of everyone – shouting that he’s a rubbish parent, that I’m lazy, and even saying her kids are scared of him. It was really awful. She accused him of “puffing out his chest trying to be the big man” which couldn’t have been further from the truth. He stood silently and in shock, didn’t react, and just walked away and was actually gutted about what she said and they way she said it in front of everyone. It felt to me like it came from years of built-up resentment she hadn’t addressed. I still get quite emotional thinking about it.
After that, both my husband and his sister (separately) told their parents that they wouldn’t be doing any more big family holidays – the tension was too much. We cancelled the holiday we had already booked for the following year. We didn’t speak at all for months, but eventually we got to a place where we could be civil again. Things are ok now but nothing like before.
Now on to my problem... my sister-in-law recently booked a family holiday and invited my in-laws who agreed to going with them. They’ve all gone away together – and we weren’t even considered. Not even a message or conversation to see how we felt about it. My MIL only told us after it was already booked. I know we said we wouldn’t do joint holidays again, and truthfully we probably would’ve said no anyway. But to not even be included in the discussion – especially after working to be civil again – feels like a slap in the face. I wouldn't even consider asking my in laws to come on a holiday with us because I wouldn't want to put them in an awkward situation and I wouldn't want to put my nieces and nephews in a position where they would feel excluded.
I’m heartbroken for my kids, who now see their grandparents and cousins on a holiday without them. It feels like such a massive step backwards for our family, like we’re being pushed out. I just can’t shake the feeling of being excluded and like we don’t matter. I've cried multiple times since they went last week.
Am I being unreasonable to be so upset about it or do I just need to get a grip?

Sorry but you're being daft. They are sticking to what was agreed and there's nothing stopping you doing the same.
You should be thankful you are now free to enjoy your own family holidays unencumbered.

Horses7 · 06/08/2025 15:59

Enjoy your own holiday OP - glad the posts have helped.

diddl · 06/08/2025 16:02

I'm not sure it's necessarily a case of SIL not liking Op & her kids, but they seem to be such different people that I doubt they would choose each other as friends iyswim.

That's obviously not to say that they can't get on at all.

But what Op has seen as friendship SIL has seen as just getting alone with her brother's wife?

Original poster
SunnyStrawberries · 06/08/2025 16:07

I’ve re-read my first post and Wow! I sound ridiculous. It’s not the holiday that I’m
upset about but I didn’t realise that until I’d read a few replies and answered some questions.Thanks everyone

OP posts:
MavisandHetty · 06/08/2025 16:09

I think you're coming to a realisation - that the big happy family you thought you were never existed - that you find disappointing.

It's really, really difficult for siblings with children to holiday successfully. It's the stuff of movies and fairytales. (In reality, young children and adult children clash all the time. The only way around it is to do things in short bursts, with lots of breaks and lots of time apart.)

It also sounds like your DH and SIL aren't particularly close or similar as siblings. That's not the basis of a big happy family. They don't particularly seem to like or get on with each other, your BIL seems to stir the pot, you're there oblivious to the undercurrent, your PILs are trying to stay neutral... Honestly, it's best to just foster one-on-one relationships. And don't see that as a failure. It's realistic.

Thisisthething · 06/08/2025 16:09

Just invite your PIL too (if you want).

Original poster
SunnyStrawberries · 06/08/2025 16:09

diddl · 06/08/2025 16:02

I'm not sure it's necessarily a case of SIL not liking Op & her kids, but they seem to be such different people that I doubt they would choose each other as friends iyswim.

That's obviously not to say that they can't get on at all.

But what Op has seen as friendship SIL has seen as just getting alone with her brother's wife?

I think you’re right. I feel quite foolish now

OP posts:
Original poster
SunnyStrawberries · 06/08/2025 16:10

Tippertapperfeet · 06/08/2025 15:57

I’ll give you an example from our disastrous holiday @SunnyStrawberries

I had 3. One of them wasn’t my ex husbands he was born when I was 16 and was significantly older than the other kids who were on the holiday. My two youngest were 3 and 5 and my BIL and SIL had one who was 2 and a bit.

there was no understanding that DS wasn’t the same as the other kids and wouldn’t want the kids menus and kids entertainment. He was late teens. Why would there be. He was older and mine and nothing to them but it was hard to watch him being left out and not considered.

everyone else was on holiday mode and doing none of the grunt work and I was resentful as fuck.

one of my youngers was lactose intolerant and the in laws were eating ice cream at every turn and my wee one was in tears. And was accused of making a fuss as her cousin was licking the ice cream right up in her face.

There were issues with going out to eat coz SIL and BIL allowed their wee one to wander round the restaurant talking to people coz they thought it was cute.

there were so many small things that really on their own were nothing to write home about but added together it was hell for me.

That’s sounds hard @TippertapperfeetThank
you for sharing and making me feel less alone.

OP posts:
Tippertapperfeet · 06/08/2025 16:14

SunnyStrawberries · 06/08/2025 16:10

That’s sounds hard @TippertapperfeetThank
you for sharing and making me feel less alone.

Show quote history

Ah honestly. I behaved really poorly on the way home with my ex husband in the car. I ripped him a new one and said all the things that had built up in me over the two weeks. I was so so upset.

it wasn’t my finest moment.

On their own, each of the things was a small thing but added together I only just held it together until we were in the car on the way home.

I really can empathise with all of you.

Thisisthething · 06/08/2025 16:21

It’s not just the splashing though, it’s the build up of everything. Plus you leave dishes. They like it tidied. That’s hard when you’re all sharing a space.

Yes, but it works both ways doesn’t it? I find it very disconcerting (and a touch rude) when someone springs up to clean when you’ve barely put your fork down. Leave it! Talk! Then we’ll clean up together 😅

Autumn38 · 06/08/2025 16:29

I think you made things unnecessarily complicated by conflating ‘no big family holidays’ with ‘no holidays with grandparents’. Your kids and ILs have missed out because of that. Be angry at yourself not your SIL.

Autumn38 · 06/08/2025 16:36

Tippertapperfeet · 06/08/2025 15:57

I’ll give you an example from our disastrous holiday @SunnyStrawberries

I had 3. One of them wasn’t my ex husbands he was born when I was 16 and was significantly older than the other kids who were on the holiday. My two youngest were 3 and 5 and my BIL and SIL had one who was 2 and a bit.

there was no understanding that DS wasn’t the same as the other kids and wouldn’t want the kids menus and kids entertainment. He was late teens. Why would there be. He was older and mine and nothing to them but it was hard to watch him being left out and not considered.

everyone else was on holiday mode and doing none of the grunt work and I was resentful as fuck.

one of my youngers was lactose intolerant and the in laws were eating ice cream at every turn and my wee one was in tears. And was accused of making a fuss as her cousin was licking the ice cream right up in her face.

There were issues with going out to eat coz SIL and BIL allowed their wee one to wander round the restaurant talking to people coz they thought it was cute.

there were so many small things that really on their own were nothing to write home about but added together it was hell for me.

What’s interesting is that you and OP are commiserating with each other but it sounds like you’d actually be on opposite sides of the ice cream argument! OP said she was the one saying yes to ice cream even though the other children weren’t being allowed whereas you were upset when children who were able to enjoy icecream weren’t denied it because your daughter wasn’t able to. Why didn’t you just get her a lolly??

it just goes to show that any type of inflexibility means it just won’t work. We go on holiday with my brother and family every year successfully but it takes a lot of compromise and quick checking in with each other about expectations. I’ve said no to icecream when I would have said yes but I’ve also said yes when I would have said no. It’s a compromise that’s worth making.

Pearl69 · 06/08/2025 16:40

Think you dodged a bullet there OP and avoided the tension and bad feeling that was the result of the last one. Go away as a family, relax and parent how you see fit without judgement.

BeaLola · 06/08/2025 16:42

I think you're missing The what was as you saw it, the what could have been

Don't give it another thought and look forward to your forthcoming holiday

Tippertapperfeet · 06/08/2025 16:45

Autumn38 · 06/08/2025 16:36

What’s interesting is that you and OP are commiserating with each other but it sounds like you’d actually be on opposite sides of the ice cream argument! OP said she was the one saying yes to ice cream even though the other children weren’t being allowed whereas you were upset when children who were able to enjoy icecream weren’t denied it because your daughter wasn’t able to. Why didn’t you just get her a lolly??

it just goes to show that any type of inflexibility means it just won’t work. We go on holiday with my brother and family every year successfully but it takes a lot of compromise and quick checking in with each other about expectations. I’ve said no to icecream when I would have said yes but I’ve also said yes when I would have said no. It’s a compromise that’s worth making.

Show quote history

She wanted ice cream the same as everyone else. I did buy her an ice lolly.

why wouldn’t you think I’d buy her something else? Of course I did!

MyDeftDuck · 06/08/2025 16:46

hmmimnotsurewhy · 06/08/2025 10:30

You’re being ridiculous. You decide no more family holidays so what on earth do you need to be considered over? That doesn’t make sense at all. Your SIL did nothing wrong by inviting her parents to the holiday.
why are YOU making a drama over this?
Surely you just book your own family holiday and invite the IL?

its only an issue for your kids because you’re making it one.
I think you are looking to make problems here.
You asked - you need to get a massive grip

This
And why not book a holiday for you and the in-laws without the sister if you want your children to enjoy holiday time with grandma?

Wadadli · 06/08/2025 17:05

SunnyStrawberries · 06/08/2025 10:25

Hi everyone, I just need to get something off my chest and maybe hear some outside perspectives because I’m really struggling with how I'm feeling at the moment.
For context, over the years we’ve been on a few family holidays that included myself, my husband and our kids, my in-laws (his parents), and my husband’s sister and her family. While we’ve generally had good times but it's not always been 'perfect'. My husband and his sister parent very differently, and that’s caused a few minor issues in the past. Things like me saying yes to our kids having an ice cream and her saying no to hers – which then leads to meltdowns and somehow becomes our fault. Nothing huge, just little clashes now and then.
However, the last holiday we went on together a few years ago ended badly. After a minor issue about splashing in the pool, my sister-in-law completely lost it with my husband in front of everyone – shouting that he’s a rubbish parent, that I’m lazy, and even saying her kids are scared of him. It was really awful. She accused him of “puffing out his chest trying to be the big man” which couldn’t have been further from the truth. He stood silently and in shock, didn’t react, and just walked away and was actually gutted about what she said and they way she said it in front of everyone. It felt to me like it came from years of built-up resentment she hadn’t addressed. I still get quite emotional thinking about it.
After that, both my husband and his sister (separately) told their parents that they wouldn’t be doing any more big family holidays – the tension was too much. We cancelled the holiday we had already booked for the following year. We didn’t speak at all for months, but eventually we got to a place where we could be civil again. Things are ok now but nothing like before.
Now on to my problem... my sister-in-law recently booked a family holiday and invited my in-laws who agreed to going with them. They’ve all gone away together – and we weren’t even considered. Not even a message or conversation to see how we felt about it. My MIL only told us after it was already booked. I know we said we wouldn’t do joint holidays again, and truthfully we probably would’ve said no anyway. But to not even be included in the discussion – especially after working to be civil again – feels like a slap in the face. I wouldn't even consider asking my in laws to come on a holiday with us because I wouldn't want to put them in an awkward situation and I wouldn't want to put my nieces and nephews in a position where they would feel excluded.
I’m heartbroken for my kids, who now see their grandparents and cousins on a holiday without them. It feels like such a massive step backwards for our family, like we’re being pushed out. I just can’t shake the feeling of being excluded and like we don’t matter. I've cried multiple times since they went last week.
Am I being unreasonable to be so upset about it or do I just need to get a grip?

Yes, you ARE being 100% unreasonable! HTH

Charlize43 · 06/08/2025 17:08

Is this another Spicy Fish one?

Sophue · 06/08/2025 17:10

SunnyStrawberries · 06/08/2025 16:07

I’ve re-read my first post and Wow! I sound ridiculous. It’s not the holiday that I’m
upset about but I didn’t realise that until I’d read a few replies and answered some questions.Thanks everyone

I have to agree and admire you for taking on board all the comments.

InterIgnis · 06/08/2025 17:31

SunnyStrawberries · 06/08/2025 16:09

I think you’re right. I feel quite foolish now

Show quote history

Don’t be hard on yourself. You didn’t create drama with anyone irl, you came on here to talk your feelings out and did a lot of self reflection whilst doing so That’s admirable tbh, and generally quite difficult for people to do.

You aren’t wrong for wanting the big close family dynamic, but nor are your in laws for not wanting that. You’re just very different people with different ideals, and while that may be disappointing it is okay.