Scolding DS's accident

[ellie09]

Hi all

My DP moved in with me, DS (8 year old) and my dog about 2 months ago now with his 2 cats. We knew it was going to be an adjustment period as far as the pets were concerned.

At the moment, we have the dog downstairs and cats upstairs. We are slowly introducing them and they are now at the point where they can be about a metre away from each other with supervision and remain calm in each others company. We still keep them separated when we are working etc and unable to supervise, so the door downstairs remains closed.

Today, DS accidentally left the door open a little, which resulted in the dog running up the stairs. No big deal, I just ran up and got dog back downstairs.

However, DP seems to have taken it a bit too far (in my eyes). He immediately scolded DS and gave him silent treatment, stomped around the house sulking that all the work put in with the pets is now a waste as the cats will be scared etc etc.

I told DP that it wasn't a big deal, it was an accident and to just forget it, to which he said "oh I'm sure it wasnt an accident". At this point, I told him he was taking it too fad now, and gave him silent treatment back the same way he feels its ok to give DS.

AIBU or is his reaction unreasonable?

I cant stand by scolding and punishing DS for an accident and something that didnt cause any harm etc.

@simsbustinoutmimi so if it wasn’t a mistake and it wasn’t on purpose, what was it?

Where did I say it wasn’t a mistake?

It’s keeping a door closed it’s not complicated

But it is easily forgotten, especially by a child.

simsbustinoutmimi · Yesterday 22:10
I don’t think it was a mistake if son has been told the animals need to be introduced gently. An 8 year old knows right from wrong, he’s not a toddler.

That’s what you said.

Your poor DS.

Please don’t normalise abusive behaviour.

Your DS forgot to shut a door, he shouldn’t have been scolded he should have been reminded about the cats.

I don’t often let threads on here get to me but you let that man tell your DS off and then give him the silent treatment. Your poor little boy.

He’s 8 years old. Until 2 months ago he didn’t have to think about doors. Now there’s a big strict rule about keeping doors closed. Can you really seriously say that you don’t understand how a child can accidentally leave a door open? Adults forget bigger things all the time.

I agree. I might have to hide this thread because it breaks my heart to think of that poor little boy, whose happy home has suddenly become a place where he is scolded and then ignored for making a simple mistake.

If the cats aren't noticeably better with you or the dog 2+ months in, they probably won't improve now. Seperate from the issue of behaviour by P around DS.

I agree with @BetweenTwoFerns, how on Earth can you even be thinking about the pets when you have a grown man doling out the silent treatment to your child, and stomping round the house like a grumpy teen?! What a huge overreaction to a simple mistake.

In your shoes I would be having a very serious conversation with this man. He needs to apologise to your DS for his behaviour, and guarantee you that he will never use "the silent treatment" on either you or your DS again. He needs to have a serious think about whether he is fit for living with an 8 year old, and you need to seriously consider this too.

This event should be a final warning for your partner, because your main role in life is to protect your child, and if this man is going to behave abusively to your DS in his own home, then he certainly shouldn't be living there.

Giving your DP the benefit of the doubt I suspect he really wants this to work (getting the animals used to each other) and knows that this will be hard. Especially with cats, and especially if you aren’t consistent so they feel safe. Plus his cats that he loves were likely frightened by the dog. So tbf to him he is likely to be (understandably) annoyed and upset.

I also don’t think scolding is inappropriate in this circumstance, even if it was an accident. Or him expressing annoyance and frustration. People are allowed emotions and it’s not automatically bad for children to learn/see this (within reason, behaviour shouldn’t be scary/intimidating of course). I’m not sure exactly what you mean by both sulking and stomping though - those are quite different things/actions.

Having said all that I’d be talking to him about things like the silent treatment. It’s never ok to do that (needing space to calm yourself is ok, silent treatment is not, it’s abusive). And remind him that this is a child not an adult and he needs to be the adult in all interactions with your DS.

I do find it much more concerning that he’s jumping to the conclusion that your DS did this deliberately. I would be asking why he thinks that? It’s like he thinks it was a malicious act? His answer may inform you whether or not this is someone you want to continue to be in a relationship with.

In the post where you said it wasn't a mistake! If you can't even remember what you wrote an hour or so ago why do you expect 8 year olds to not have memory lapses?

@ellie09 tell him..
Drink your milk take your dog and ride out of town

Rehome the cats and the man.

These are the house rescue cats that are terrified of your dog (a Rottweiler) and you are allergic to, oh, and your son has ADHD (and you might too).

I remember your previous thread about wanting your DP to get rid of his cats before you moved in together.

Obviously your DP giving your DS the silent treatment isn’t great. But the whole situation isn’t great.

I wouldn't say a partner of 3 years is a step dad type figure. Why is 'step' thrown around so easily?,

Scolding for doing something wrong is fine, but the silent treatment, stomping and passive aggressive behaviour? Major red flag🚩

A brief telling off 'be more careful in future, this could set progress back'... yeah.

Sulking and silent treatment - no. This is an indicator as to how he is going to treat you in future, he's doing it to a child because he thinks he can get away with it.

I'd be outta there.

the silent treatment is abusive behaviour and not acceptable

And adult sulking
and silent treatment? Thats not going to change red flag here.

As opposed to mums new boyfriend, ie he’s someone who would have the right to tell off son it’s not like he’s only known him a few months. Some mums on here move in w their partner after knowing them only a few months

I think you have read my old post wrong

I meant “I don’t think it was a mistake (that partner scolded him)” as a lot of people are saying it’s wrong he did. Hope that helps

I was replying to OP who was discussing the pets herself

I don’t think so. He would’ve known not to open doors of mums bedroom/ maybe toilet doors without knocking and to not leave front door lying open if he opened it presumably. 8 is young but it’s old enough to be sensible.