to be annoyed with both my friend and my husband

[JaneAustenFann]

Been friends with a lady in my local community since she moved here about 4 years ago now to the neighbourhood , same ages DC , both of us working women, and a common group of girlfriends in the neighbourhood. Have done girls night's out in the past, and one trip last year with four ladies in total, with our family

Bunch of us planned a holiday with our family's in tow, for various reasons the three other ladies cancelled - and it ended up being us two away together with DHs and Kids.

So, when we planned it, it was self catering large caravans next to each other at this place that had stunning views and spectacular reviews. As DHs were going to be doing all the driving and some of the outdoorsy camp stuff with the kids, we agreed we would do the cooking. With the trip being only two nights away, we had agreed on bringing homemade food each of us for night 1 and to eat it all together, and to cook something simple for night 2.

Turns out I ended up bringing a huger amount of food for night 1 (the mains) but thought it sort of evened out as we ate inside, at theirs , as it was damp at night - there were two pots used to heat the food and we did leave the washing up of that to them - I left the leftovers with her and I think they warmed it up for breakfast the next morning , while I made some breakfast for us in our own caravan before we set out on activities for the day which again involved a lot of hill side driving which was done by the two DHs.

Turns out and I only found out on morning of day 2 that DH had offered to make them dinner on night 2 - now this annoyed me straight off the bat. It is an elaborate dish but one that DH loves , so it was partly for himself , but still I felt it upset the balanced planning I had in my mind. When he told me about it morning of day 2, I said fine , I hadnt unpacked my reaction yet so decided to go with it for then in order to let day 2 run smoothly and gracefully with the kids having fun as per the plan , and avoiding arguments seemed key. I wasnt happy about it though. It was a dish I hated to eat first off, I can't stand that particular type of fish cooked in that way and he knew that, but he also knew I would eat it if I had to. The original plan was for me and her to cook something simple together with the work divided among the two of us. In my mind, I had already done equal or more on night 1 with leaving a big box of leftovers for her for day 2 breakfast while I didnt take back any leftovers for us for morning after.

When i mentioned to her that DH planned to make dinner on night 2 and that rest of us could help out with prep etc, she answered extremely enthusiastically 'yes he said he was going to cook his fabulous xx for us tonight , wow etc' just seemed a bit odd to me as she knew I do not like that dish , but not her fault, DHs fault primarily . So let it slide

We had to leave the evening activities earlier to go get the ingredients for the elaborate dish, so I think the resentment against DH and her were building inside for me at that point. In retrospect, she could have offered that she and her DH do the shop as my DH was lead chef ? He does do his share of the cooking at home , but usually I have to nag for it to be 50pc though we both work ( a repeating theme on MN i Know) so to me , this reiterated the fact that he sometimes flirts or likes the ego boost of admiration of women, nothing new that I havent spotted already in the past 15 years with him but it has been harmless flirting in the past , never gets to affair stage, but is still low key annoying as I feel esp on holiday me and DC should have been his priority and it is annoying when he is seeking ego massaging as being seen as a great guy from my circle of lady friends instead of fucking off to do it with women at work (sorry for the langauge , but this is inconsiderate and lazy even when 'harmless')

anyway, he made the dinner, with both her and her DH helping as they can stand the smell and look of this type of fish dish, so ended up her H had no rest after a day of driving either thanks to DH changing the plan. She wasn't really doing that much with her DH helping mine , but I noticed on this trip more than I have in the past she likes to project manage and boss everyone around quite a lot , even when she's not doing a great deal herself, it had not been this noticeable in the past , if at all.

I kept the kids entertained in the open plan kitchen/dining and living area while the dinner was being made. Turns out they added too much of spice and flavour to the dish (it is not clear to me why or who's idea that was, as DH always adds just the right amount , never too much heat) and it ended up being inedible for my dc, and my husband cant eat spicy either, so he barely ate either. All of us ended up having mostly just the starters which was ready made and I popped in the oven for us, while their family enjoyed the spicy meal and also had two boxes of leftovers - presumably they were sorted for the long road trip back the next day as the plan to have lunch at an inn on the way back was turned down in a vague manner by them saying kids were fast asleep ( I figured they were eating the leftovers in the car while on the road, as wouldnt be starving the whole day ?)

We proceeded with the inn for lunch etc on our own.

So the above had me annoyed with both DH and friend, and not sure if AIBU?
I have long suspected DH is ND and on the spectrum which complicates it, as he doesnt see planning and organising as crucial the way I do.

The other thing is and perhaps this ties into him being ND, although maybe this is just overgrown teen boy behaviour unnacceptable for a grown man, but when we were at a pub lunch on day 2 - I went to get something from the car, and DH hid my mobile phone I think when I left it on the table at my seat, as a funny joke he says. When I came back in and couldnt see it there, I knew it was probably him and felt embarrased by the clownish act in front of friends, was searching for it just in case it fell off the table, while asking him whether he took my purse , and I noticed friend laughing (at me presumably as was in on the joke) when I was asking if anyone had seen my purse. What kind of 40 plus year old finds this a funny trick to play ? and what kind of 40 year old finds this laughable ?

Read him the riot act for this on the drive back home and he claims it was a funny joke and I was getting too serious. I actually felt a couple of times on the trip that the only other adult was her DH , and there was one incident when she told him off in the kitchen for dropping a utensil on the floor where I felt sorry for him. I actually felt a spark of ..like?....for him when he reacted so gracefully and classily in my mind to her embarrassing outburst. Absolutely not letting it upset him or reacting likewise.

AIBU to be kinda put off by both H and friend for the purse incident too ?
I think I can get liking someone , or feeling a spark, as long as harmless, and no intention to pursue it , we are all human. So okay, to offer to make a dish (him) or laugh (perhaps in embarrassment or not knowing what else to do) (her) for a silly joke.....but I think I am more put off by the fact, that she would not maybe make a quick pasta or something morning off the return to offer me some packed food for the road trip back, or something thoughtful and nice to even things nicely ?

And H needs to grow up re the purse hiding thing , disgusting, thats not even in the AIBU question, that has to be unfunny and disrespectful right ?

Just rememeber that you learnt something important on your holiday. Never go on holiday with another family again.
Or if you do, always eat your own meals on your own.

They didn't do anything wrong but your husband changed the cooking dynamics and they had to enjoy that.

You should have bought some pasta and cheese and fed you and the kids - the writing was on the wall - but you acted the victim when the meal was still the same meal that you dislike..

It was a blessing that your friends took all the left overs because they were way too spicy for your family anyway.

.

I am in love with you.

First post nails it 😁

Thanks to all your opinions , maybe I did overreact massively, and the comment about posting on BAME MN for more useful replies without questions on the stinky fish curry breakfast was uncalled for , I am sorry. MN has been so useful, I read on here a lot and it has helped me tremendously.

We are Asian Indian, I am vegetarian by birth (community) while H is from a meat eating community.

The meal I made on Day 1 was aloo Subzi to have with Naan bread. The meal H made on Day 2 was Chicken Biryani. We had to buy everything needed for it by going to multiple grocery shops - I think the five packets of chicken he bought cost 30-35 GBP ,

There were only three of us , we only have one DC - my friend's family group turned out to be six ppl including grandparents.

Yes a number of First generation Indian Immigrants like my friend's family would skip a pub meal costing XX for 6 people, for free leftovers. Guess there are some basic compatibility issues with what a good holiday looks like. Between me and H primarily.

I will be socializing only to a minimum with this friend from now onward, but agree that this is peripheral - H I have not decided what to do yet, though been advised a lot on here under a previous name to LTB , but name changed as wanted this incident to be judged on it's own merits. Perhaps context is everything though.

Name changing again and starting afresh, will be only reading on this main section, as I find it immensely valuable, but when I post I realise the cultural differences are many. Could not find Asian MN yet, will keep searching, found the Black one and was interesting reading. Might read on there too going forward.

Thanks

Don’t go away with your friend again.

ask your DH not to cook food you don’t like.

Incidentally, though leftover fish curry the next day is supposed to be absolutely delicious the next day for brunch with Naan or rice (more so than the freshly cooked curry) - accordingly to all my meat eating Indian friends. I wouldnt mind leftoever veg curry for brunch next day either. It isnt stinky after the curry is cooked - with all the Indian spices soaked in.

It was chicken in any case, and my attempts to change some details - cant be arsed anymore if this is outing. You guys are right, war and peace on a non event when there are bigger problems in the world. I just never feel taken care of in this marriage and I know really, posting about it endlessly - when I should be gathering the courage to do something IRL about it - is just procastination.

Wow OP, I am blown away that you are Indian, that is the most un-Indian behaviour! Indians are known for their amazing hospitality and generosity, I cannot imagine an instance where someone would even think this. Usually they'd be fighting over who would cook or fighting over who would pay for a meal, not trying to avoid doing it. Just goes to show you can't assume anything on MN! Sorry if people have been rude to you, it sounds like joint holidays aren't for you, just avoid in the future.

Hello @JaneAustenFann

I was incorrect. There's a South Asian board on here. There's also a Muslim Mumsnetters board.

Apologies if neither board is suitable for you. Here's a link to the latest South Asian thread.

Link

I just never feel taken care of in this marriage

OP if you'd posted that on the first place, you'd have got very different responses. Instead of getting tied up in trying to disguise details and who did exactly how much of the meal prep on what was meant to be a holiday, which made everything long and weird, post about the actual issue you've got in your marriage.

This isn't about food, or holidays, or your friend, this is about your relationship.

Behaviour within the community is not always the same as the behaviours demonstrated fleetingly outside the community especially to white ppl - just stating facts and my observations.

There are kind and hospitable ppl in all races and vice versa - there are empathetic ppl in all races. Yes, I come from the Land of Gandhi, but have seen some very cruel people from there, with zero empathy, and plenty of kindness elsewhere.

If my husband decided to cook a meal, on holiday, that he knew I couldn't eat, I'd think he was an arsehole.

If I got the impression it was to impress another women, I'd think he was an even bigger aresehole.

And can't believe the amount of you that are so ignorant of other cultures. 🙄 It was obvious that the OP isnt a white westerner after the 'cook while still bleeding' comment. And yet so many just go after her making jokes and accusing her of being a troll. Some religions forbid women to cook while menstruating, they see it as unclean. The fact that her husband made her do it, is possibly forcing her to break the rules of her faith. Not just a light matter for all us white folk to take the piss out of.

@JaneAustenFann I do think, as PP has pointed out, that if you'd posted about your relationship, rather than the minutiae of the cooking, you'd have got very different responses.

BTW here's a link to one of the Muslim Mumsnetters threads.
Link

This.

Thanks a lot, we are Hindus. Yes, the South Asian thread will be very useful, I had no idea we had one. Will still read on here though, I don't fit in entirely anywhere so will have to read across :-), being a misfit

Thank you, will also have a look on Muslim mumsnetters, as there are lots of Asian culture similarities, despite not being of the same religion

Some religions forbid women to cook while menstruating, they see it as unclean. The fact that her husband made her do it, is possibly forcing her to break the rules of her faith. Not just a light matter for all us white folk to take the piss out of
Absolutely agree. There were obvious cultural differences at play, underpinning everything that happened on this thread.

I just never feel taken care of in this marriage and I know really, posting about it endlessly - when I should be gathering the courage to do something IRL about it - is just procastination.

I think that changes things - so it's not just about your DH changing the plans, it's him changing them in a way that makes it clear you're not a priority to him.

If he'd offered to cook his chicken biryani and you'd said "Actually DH you know I don't like that - could we stick to the plan, and maybe have [other family] over for biryani another time?" how would he have reacted?

I have long suspected DH is ND and on the spectrum which complicates it, as he doesnt see planning and organising as crucial the way I do.

I don't think your DH is the ND one in this relationship.

I always feel like a misfit, too. Wherever I go.

I was diagnosed with autism in my 60s. That explained 90% of the problems I'd encountered in my life.

Wishing you all the best @JaneAustenFann Irrelevant, but I'm currently rereading all the Austens. I've just got to P & P.

Thanks , my fault for not being clear - re cooking while bleeding sounded overly dramatic - its just that I am peri menopausal and recently diagnosed with uterine fibroids, might need surgery at some point if they keep growing , and have been having these monster periods. He has been insensitive, I could have really used two boxes of food that he cooked, if he had made a meal the three of us could eat, I am really struggling this week even after coming back , I am still on my period and it is day 10 today since it started, giving it till tomorrow before calling back the GP and doing all the cooking and housework alongside office work, and entertaining my one DC on summer holiday - while he sulks for being called out on being an inconsiderate arse who never stops getting his head turned and forgetting his priorities. Any woman will do it for him at this point.

I don't think your DH is the ND one in this relationship.

You see, that's snippy. And unkind. The OP may well be ND but it isn't something to be bandied about as an insult FGS.

Being autistic and undiagnosed means you're constantly on edge, trying to fit in.

OP’s whole point is that she’s upset she didn’t cook the day before while she was bleeding.

It’s absurd to then assume the fact cooking while bleeding upsets her the day after is a cultural norm. Otherwise surely it was the right thing her husband cooked the day before as she shouldn’t have been handling the food anyway.

It’s not racial insensitivity, it’s hypocrisy by the OP at worse, or her just looking for excuses at best.

The original plan was for night 2 that we get pizza for kids, and for those of us who wanted something homemade, we were going to do just dal and rice with pickle (that we bought in bottles) with boiled egg - which is 10 minutes compared to 2 hours of chicken biryani cooking. As I have seen in most instances with Asian familiies of my generation (40s age group) the men do the driving on the motorways on long haul road trips, which is we had planned to handle the meals, but if he had rested on the sunday night , would have been great if he could have pitched in with housework/meals when we got back post the 'holiday'. I would not have minded eating out all meals at all, but try getting the average asian immigrant to spend like white ppl do and you just hit a stone wall. Anyway. I'll stop now :-)

• to spend generously like , i.e.