to be annoyed with both my friend and my husband

[JaneAustenFann]

Been friends with a lady in my local community since she moved here about 4 years ago now to the neighbourhood , same ages DC , both of us working women, and a common group of girlfriends in the neighbourhood. Have done girls night's out in the past, and one trip last year with four ladies in total, with our family

Bunch of us planned a holiday with our family's in tow, for various reasons the three other ladies cancelled - and it ended up being us two away together with DHs and Kids.

So, when we planned it, it was self catering large caravans next to each other at this place that had stunning views and spectacular reviews. As DHs were going to be doing all the driving and some of the outdoorsy camp stuff with the kids, we agreed we would do the cooking. With the trip being only two nights away, we had agreed on bringing homemade food each of us for night 1 and to eat it all together, and to cook something simple for night 2.

Turns out I ended up bringing a huger amount of food for night 1 (the mains) but thought it sort of evened out as we ate inside, at theirs , as it was damp at night - there were two pots used to heat the food and we did leave the washing up of that to them - I left the leftovers with her and I think they warmed it up for breakfast the next morning , while I made some breakfast for us in our own caravan before we set out on activities for the day which again involved a lot of hill side driving which was done by the two DHs.

Turns out and I only found out on morning of day 2 that DH had offered to make them dinner on night 2 - now this annoyed me straight off the bat. It is an elaborate dish but one that DH loves , so it was partly for himself , but still I felt it upset the balanced planning I had in my mind. When he told me about it morning of day 2, I said fine , I hadnt unpacked my reaction yet so decided to go with it for then in order to let day 2 run smoothly and gracefully with the kids having fun as per the plan , and avoiding arguments seemed key. I wasnt happy about it though. It was a dish I hated to eat first off, I can't stand that particular type of fish cooked in that way and he knew that, but he also knew I would eat it if I had to. The original plan was for me and her to cook something simple together with the work divided among the two of us. In my mind, I had already done equal or more on night 1 with leaving a big box of leftovers for her for day 2 breakfast while I didnt take back any leftovers for us for morning after.

When i mentioned to her that DH planned to make dinner on night 2 and that rest of us could help out with prep etc, she answered extremely enthusiastically 'yes he said he was going to cook his fabulous xx for us tonight , wow etc' just seemed a bit odd to me as she knew I do not like that dish , but not her fault, DHs fault primarily . So let it slide

We had to leave the evening activities earlier to go get the ingredients for the elaborate dish, so I think the resentment against DH and her were building inside for me at that point. In retrospect, she could have offered that she and her DH do the shop as my DH was lead chef ? He does do his share of the cooking at home , but usually I have to nag for it to be 50pc though we both work ( a repeating theme on MN i Know) so to me , this reiterated the fact that he sometimes flirts or likes the ego boost of admiration of women, nothing new that I havent spotted already in the past 15 years with him but it has been harmless flirting in the past , never gets to affair stage, but is still low key annoying as I feel esp on holiday me and DC should have been his priority and it is annoying when he is seeking ego massaging as being seen as a great guy from my circle of lady friends instead of fucking off to do it with women at work (sorry for the langauge , but this is inconsiderate and lazy even when 'harmless')

anyway, he made the dinner, with both her and her DH helping as they can stand the smell and look of this type of fish dish, so ended up her H had no rest after a day of driving either thanks to DH changing the plan. She wasn't really doing that much with her DH helping mine , but I noticed on this trip more than I have in the past she likes to project manage and boss everyone around quite a lot , even when she's not doing a great deal herself, it had not been this noticeable in the past , if at all.

I kept the kids entertained in the open plan kitchen/dining and living area while the dinner was being made. Turns out they added too much of spice and flavour to the dish (it is not clear to me why or who's idea that was, as DH always adds just the right amount , never too much heat) and it ended up being inedible for my dc, and my husband cant eat spicy either, so he barely ate either. All of us ended up having mostly just the starters which was ready made and I popped in the oven for us, while their family enjoyed the spicy meal and also had two boxes of leftovers - presumably they were sorted for the long road trip back the next day as the plan to have lunch at an inn on the way back was turned down in a vague manner by them saying kids were fast asleep ( I figured they were eating the leftovers in the car while on the road, as wouldnt be starving the whole day ?)

We proceeded with the inn for lunch etc on our own.

So the above had me annoyed with both DH and friend, and not sure if AIBU?
I have long suspected DH is ND and on the spectrum which complicates it, as he doesnt see planning and organising as crucial the way I do.

The other thing is and perhaps this ties into him being ND, although maybe this is just overgrown teen boy behaviour unnacceptable for a grown man, but when we were at a pub lunch on day 2 - I went to get something from the car, and DH hid my mobile phone I think when I left it on the table at my seat, as a funny joke he says. When I came back in and couldnt see it there, I knew it was probably him and felt embarrased by the clownish act in front of friends, was searching for it just in case it fell off the table, while asking him whether he took my purse , and I noticed friend laughing (at me presumably as was in on the joke) when I was asking if anyone had seen my purse. What kind of 40 plus year old finds this a funny trick to play ? and what kind of 40 year old finds this laughable ?

Read him the riot act for this on the drive back home and he claims it was a funny joke and I was getting too serious. I actually felt a couple of times on the trip that the only other adult was her DH , and there was one incident when she told him off in the kitchen for dropping a utensil on the floor where I felt sorry for him. I actually felt a spark of ..like?....for him when he reacted so gracefully and classily in my mind to her embarrassing outburst. Absolutely not letting it upset him or reacting likewise.

AIBU to be kinda put off by both H and friend for the purse incident too ?
I think I can get liking someone , or feeling a spark, as long as harmless, and no intention to pursue it , we are all human. So okay, to offer to make a dish (him) or laugh (perhaps in embarrassment or not knowing what else to do) (her) for a silly joke.....but I think I am more put off by the fact, that she would not maybe make a quick pasta or something morning off the return to offer me some packed food for the road trip back, or something thoughtful and nice to even things nicely ?

And H needs to grow up re the purse hiding thing , disgusting, thats not even in the AIBU question, that has to be unfunny and disrespectful right ?

Thank you

Fuck me.

I just told DH to brace himself I've a period due and I won't be doing any cooking.

Also I really don't think anyone is skipping a pub lunch to eat car fish. They probably picked up on your annoyance.

Maybe there are other issues with your husband that are colouring your view here but you're focusing on the wrong things if that's the case. He offered to cook dinner, he cooked dinner, he accidentally made it too spicy. We've all done it.

I don't know anything about Frank or Brenda.

OP I really hope you will listen to the responses on this thread. You seem to be deliberately responding to anyone who vaguely agrees with you whilst adding more and more outlandish, irrelevant detail to try and back yourself up. It is really quite concerning when you have had masses of responses (written both kindly and bluntly) pointing out how you have essentially chosen to take issue with multiple, sometimes bizarre, things that wouldn't bother the vast majority of people and then fanned the flames of those issues enormously within your own head. You then mentioned you genuinely thought people would tell you to leave him over this. Any justifiable concern you may have held such as annoyance about the phone hiding gets blown out the water when you discuss your husband's behaviour in a manner more consistent with someone who has just found out they've married a war criminal. This post reads as something that would absolutely end a marriage - if it was read by your husband - and not with any bearing whatsoever on spicy fish.

The comments that black people might agree with you more and that you're considering divorce based off the back of ChatGPT giving you responses you lead it into parroting back to you, and your blind trust then put into AI - alongside your declaration that you are having to cook whilst on your period as though this is some great point of abuse - wholly unhinged I'm afraid. You seem to be deeply fixated on meals and who is cooking what, where, when and why.

Are you ok? This does not sound fair or healthy for your husband, for you and particularly not for the children.

...but then I'm quite bright, unlike many of your respondents.

Another one who sounds like a bit of a twat.

Oh dear. Is that my degree and masters nullified? 🙄

I don't think you're being unreasonable. But I do think she's lazy and I think if your husband really wanted to cook, he should have provided food YOUR family could eat.

I also think the other family were greedy users. Well, not the kids. But whoever made the food inedible for your family.

I'd definitely swerve any further socialising with them although not fall out in any way.

@TheTwitcher11 Quoting the whole damn post for a one line reply is what’s painful here.

I'm aware of the typos. It was a small screen and too late to edit now.

Anyway, sorry again about the utterly unhelpful attempts to scream you down. You're not wrong to see disrespect, because your husband is indeed disrespectful.

I am sorry about some of the replies you have been getting OP. Lots of MNers don’t read the full thread and I think as your original post was quite wordy, they got hung up on the earlier details (division of labour etc) and missed the main points about your husband being inconsiderate, then making a joke at your expense while your friend laughed on. It’s also ignorant to assume that everybody is from the same culture and having the same things for breakfast. FWIW I think curry and bread sounds like a delicious brunch. Yum! (Maybe not with fish though, I’m with you on that one!)

Let’s put the division of labour bit aside for now. You and your friend don’t sound particularly compatible, and perhaps this fact has been diluted in the past because you’ve mostly been around other couples, so haven’t noticed this as much.

As for your DH, he sounds inconsiderate and immature. My DH has a bit of a silly sense of humour sometimes but I don’t think it would ever occur to him to hide something important, then laugh at me as I become distressed looking for it! From other comments you’ve made about him looking at other women and unfair division of labour at home it sounds like maybe these feelings have been brewing for a while now, and your camping trip has just brought it all to the surface.

Anyway. What were the dishes? The first night one, and the fishy drama spicy one. I've got nothing to offer here, just my food curiosity.

I don’t think you’re being all that unreasonable about it. I think he sounds like an inconsiderate show off and she wouldn’t be my cup of tea at all. But I think you just didn’t handle it particularly well or recount it very well and, as a result, you’ve made yourself sound like a lunatic because people will just assume it’s all about a meal and a silly joke, that you’re over reacting and that the rest of the time, life is wonderful.

I think you need to forget about her and her friendship and concentrate on what’s going on a bit closer to home. It doesn’t sound like either of you like the other one very much and the pair of you need to start doing something about that, or there’ll be no more couples holidays to worry about.

The thing with the phone was utterly juvenile though, I’d struggle to be in a relationship with someone whose sense of humour was at that level.

I suspect the declining of the pub lunch had less to do with leftovers and more to do with them deciding that you and your DH are not their sort of people any more than they are yours. You might find that you don’t need to quietly drop her from your friendship group.

Alls I’m thinking is why on earth did you do an all day drive there and back for essentially a one day holiday? 🤣 I’m so confused…

I always wonder why people insert “sorry” into the middle of an insult.

She said he flirts, not just looks, though being so creepy about looking that your wife constantly notices it is pretty grubby too. Weird how so many men and women manage to notice other people without rolling their eyes across the room like a cartoon character. And I just bet that if it meant his job, or a punch in the mouth by someone, he would manage somehow to disguise his feelings and be respectful and just have a quick glance and not flirt at all - like nearly all of us do.

And yes between that and his other behaviours, he is a disrespectful man and yes I am sure that her feelings about his behaviour over the years have impacted her.

I am not sure if her friend is enjoying the attention and egging him on, but if so OP should not be camping with her in the future. It could also just be that her friend is being friendly to him and that it is all coming from the husband.

I can see that getting hung up on the details is not helping her, bottom line OP needs to have a strict conversation with her husband focus on the fact that his flirting and demands to have his ego massaged and disrespecting and deprioritising his family are absolutely unacceptable.

She has tried to minimise by saying "never gets to the affair stage" which is an extremely low bar to set and makes my heart heavy for her.

It's absolutely grim the way they've circled around her to mock her on this thread. Women can really be quite vile on mumsnet.

Are you in America? We don’t have Inn’s here only pubs.

Yeah well.....people.who.seem nice can become irritating if you spend a few days together. Don't really think anyone did anything that should have got them arrested.. Moral.of this tale is that you probably aren't the right type to go away with other people. Not chilled enough.

https://www.english-inns.co.uk

I think the caravan holiday may have been a straw that broke the camels back incident for you OP.

I saw a twee meme on facebook recently about how the highest form of love is consideration, and it really rang true for me because I am thankfully with a man who always puts me first, makes me feel safe and special, and is the kindest person I’ve ever met. To be in the situation you’re in, although what you’ve described re the holiday may seem quite petty in isolation, shows that the man you’ve married does not respect you or show you consideration. I’ve been in relationships like that before and you end up with a clawing feeling of anxiety because you don’t feel safe or held by your partner. It’s not how a loving relationship should be.

I can't get over the elaborate meal on a two day caravan trip.
Next time, bring a precooked stew.
Unfortunately when you have a husband who enjoys flirting, you'll find someone enjoys it.

That'll get you nowhere.
You surely don't think that MNHQ reads through every post?

OP you mentioned Black Mumsnetters.

There's also an Asian Mumsnetters board, if you're interested.

Easy, herself!!

Sweet Jesus - weren't the 3 other 'friends' who coincidentally pulled out of this trip very wise indeed!?

I mean how did they know!? :)

but I noticed on this trip more than I have in the past she likes to project manage and boss everyone around quite a lot , even when she's not doing a great deal herself, it had not been this noticeable in the past , if at all.

I have long suspected DH is ND and on the spectrum which complicates it, as he doesnt see planning and organising as crucial the way I do.

Wow OP you're some woman for projection, you seem to be be fond of project managing, at least in your thoughts, thinking what this person should be doing and what's fair, and how you should be paid back etc etc.

From your post it's you who seems to be ND.

The phone thing was stupid but is there more to it, are you a phone addict? Were you on the phone a lot during the trip, maybe it was mentioned and so that's why he did it thinking it was funny.

I read between the lines and deduced that the OP really fancies the other DH. And justifies it by thinking her DH was using cooking to show off and also suspecting he's being a bit flirty at work. I might be wrong though, same as you might be.