Emotionally stuck in my marriage… I don’t know what’s right anymore.

[Beastlybeautiful]

Hi all,

I’m a stay-at-home mum to two little ones — a 3-year-old and an 8-month-old. I’ve been feeling so mentally stuck lately, and I’m not sure if it’s just a phase, the stress of parenting, or something deeper in my marriage.

My husband is not a bad person. He’s a loving dad and genuinely cares about our kids. He helps with housework, tells me to sleep in, and will take over with the kids when I’m burned out. He’s not abusive or harsh — and I think that’s why I feel even more confused.

But as the years go on, I’m realising we’re growing apart culturally, religiously, and emotionally. He’s quite traditional in some ways — he doesn’t want me to work, especially not around “non-mahrams” (even though I have a degree and used to teach). He says things like “I’m glad you can’t drive because I like you being dependent on me” — then laughs and says he’s joking, but I’m not sure anymore.

When I express how I want more for my life — to travel, to grow, to build something for myself — he kind of shrugs it off. He’s very focused on saving and home life, and while I understand the importance of that, I feel like I’m disappearing. I don’t have any financial control right now, and it’s starting to weigh on me heavily.

We also don’t really connect one-on-one anymore. I’ve asked for date nights or alone time, but for him, “family time” is enough. He says I should talk to him more, but when I do, we just go in circles or it fizzles out. When I cry or feel overwhelmed, he sees it as me “dragging things” — not something to be soothed or understood.

Recently he even said he regrets moving into our own place — which felt like a punch to the gut after all the effort I’ve put into making this home.

So now I’m stuck wondering… is this just normal post-baby relationship tension, or is this a deeper misalignment? I have no financial independence right now, and leaving feels terrifying — but staying like this feels like I’m slowly losing parts of myself.

I thought marriage would be much more blissful and fun, I’ve been married 5 years..

Has anyone been through something similar?
Can things like this shift with time and effort — or am I ignoring red flags out of fear and guilt?

Salams, could you start with doing something away from the kids as self care? The gym, a foreign language etc just anything so that you get a bit of time out if the house for you to be you without being a mum. That’ll help build you up and id the way forward.

Asa sis I've been married for 17 years and I've had many periods of what you describe. Marriage is hard work. Especially when kids come along. I also gave up my Job when my kids were young and had total dependence financially on my husband. There's nothing wrong with this if yiu trust him to provide for you. You can feel very lonely in a marriage if you grow apart emotionally. I would advise you to build time in to reconnect with one another. Tell your husband your drifting apart and do the things you used to love before children together like going cinema or restaurants without the kids if possible. Really talk to your husband about life and make a bucket list of things you want to do together. Your kids are young and it can be relentless. But you will find yourself again and reconnect. What is intimacy like? Just holding hands or sitting close together can help as first step to rebuilding emotional connection. Hang in there. Marriage really is a roller coaster with highs and lows. You both have to put in a lot of effort to make it work and that means not always focusing on the kids but yourselves too.

Hi, I’m kind of in a similar situation. The only difference is, I told my husband I want to go back to work part time when my son turns 3 and also get my masters and he was really supportive. It’s difficult being financially dependent on someone even if they give you everything you want, it’s not the same as having your own money. Since having my son, I only ask for money for his things, my husband buys me gifts and if I asked he would give me it but I somehow feel guilty asking for things a lot, I don’t feel the same freedoms as when I was at work which is partly why I’m planning to go back as well as to feel like I’m doing something for me. I got my bachelors for my job, and I want to keep studying for myself.

Did you ever work before children whilst you were married? If he married you whilst working, he should really be okay with you going back. Obviously you have an 8 month old now but like someone else has mentioned, find something you like to do and leave the babies with your husband whilst you go to pursue it. You need to take care of yourself for your babies sake.

My friend is going through a tough time. She's been married for a while and has 5 kids, but her husband has been giving her the silent treatment for months. He's not physically abusive nor giving her rights of intimacy either but he's completely shut off from her, not talking or showing any emotional connection. He's only using her for practical purposes like cooking, cleaning, and taking care of the kids. This situation is taking a huge toll on her mental and physical health.

She's feeling broken and hopeless, and has decided that she wants to seek a Khula (a divorce initiated by the wife in Islamic law). She's feeling like this is her last resort to gain some mental peace and a sense of direction for her life.

She lives in a council property and is a stay-at-home mom, so she's worried about how she'll manage financially and take care of her kids on her own. I want to support her in making the best decision for herself, but I'm also concerned about her well-being and the potential challenges she'll face.

Pls suggest me what to tell her or what she should do

Asalamu Alaykoum sister. Married 5 years also. Very similar but my 2 kids 3 and 1 year.

I gave up my job happily! Girl then stress of raising kids and giving 100% while working is not the life you want. While they are young focus on that chapter. Then when they are older you will automatically have more you time. Return to work, be able to travel with hubby etc etc.
Honestly sounds like the whiapera of Shaiytan. There are kinks in all marriages but say Alhamdulillah you don't go through what a lot of couples go through. I don't know 1 single couple who are happy and they are in bad situations. So many are in abusive marriages both physically and verbally, financially, emotionally etc etc etc.

I keep quiet and low as i don't like to attract the evil eye. So many people are auffering from bad unhealthy marriages and I wonder how they are atill together.

Firstly, renew you intentions. Make pleanty dua and so ruqiyah every single days. Nothing brings the devil more joy then splitting couples apart!
Marriage in Islam is viewed different to the kuffar. Working is a mans burdon and yes a husband taking pride in providing and protecting is fantastic. Do you find you watch a lot of western media that glorifies western values. Beautifies "feminisim" when we drift away from Allah and Islam and into wasting time consuming media and content of the kuffar it leaches into your brain and makes you second guess.

I wasn't practicing in my youth at all until age 25 and I absorbed all the kuffar propaganda. Working, mortgage, kids chucked into care, holidays every year. When I reverted back to Islam I changed everything and my kindest. Detoxing kuffar propaganda. Do I need holidays yearly? No. Should I maintain ties of kingship visiting family - yes. Do I need a mortgage no thats harram. I can rent. And live aimple and humble and be content with a roof over my head. Etc etc. Sometimes we need to ait alone speak to Allah and renew our intentions. Whats the value of working if it means putting my kids into care where they are being taught LGTV and all sorts of damamging things?

Remembering life is short, we will answer for every single thing. Going on holiday or Jannah? I know it aounda uber simplistic but these are the many things I thought about when reverting. I know what thr harram life is all about and I never ever want to go back ever again. Insha Allah Allah keeps me steadfast.

I stay home i dont travel without a Mariam. I cam drive and I do when needed. My husband provides and is always negotiable to make me more comfortable within reason. Some days I steuggle but is renew my intentions. I homeschool and stayed with my kids knowing there is no one who will care for my kids as I do. There is no one who qanta the beat for them spirtually, academically and mentally as I do. Some days are tough and I need some me time. I discuss with husband and I have tome out for myself to decompress and some days I know this is the Shaiytan. Authovillahi minna Shaytani Rajeem. He promised to mislead us and take us with him to Jahanum. He works tirelessly to do that. We must fortify our families, our homes and ourselves. Pray together, learn together, and support one another.

Dear sister it is ok to struggle this is the purpose of life. You will never have rest in this dunya we are promised that. The afterlife is where we cam rest and struggle no more. I will be making dua for you and others struggling. And please keep me in your dues.

Salam

P.s so many resources online beautiful reminders. Look up one by psychologist Allen de Botton called why you will marry the wrong person.