In-laws have taken step-daughter out

[Tinogirl]

I have posted on here before…always the same story. . My husband and I each have a daughter- a year and a half separates them.

He was not in a relationship with her mother and is completely central to his and his family’s lives. I get that and it is how it should be but while they are all polite to my daughter they have never really embraced her,

Well this week my husband and child’s mother were both working and mother-in-law was away so stepdaughter was staying with us.

This rarely happens and we had a good weekend and yesterday Stepdaughter found out that daughter was struggling with something and spent three hours teaching her. Showing her techniques, downloading stuff etc. Now she is always polite but yesterday I felt there was a bit of a breakthrough after 9 years.

This morning they got up and said that I would take them to the place we went to at the weekend. Stepdaughter was again very polite, told me that I was very sweet but she was going out with her Grandmother and aunt- DH’s mum and sister.

They rock up, aunt comes to door, stepdaughter gets in back of car and off they shoot, I said I would have to ask DH as I was meant to be looking after her. SiL laughed and said she was 14 and they would actually be back before DH anyway.

My daughter now on her own in tears. I can’t get through to DH. I am fuming. Daughter then refused to go out for lunch. Sitting there using the app that stepdaughter showed her.

Yes 9 years and she still doesnt get it.

This is so weird. I'm sorry, but her going on an afternoon out with her grandmother and aunt doesn't take away from the kind thing she did for your daughter?

I'm genuinely confused but if your daughter is crying it sounds like your unreasonable expectations and sensitivity are rubbing off on her and you need to address is before you both do permanent damage.

Possibly, but I get the feeling the OP would feel the same way even if it had been planned in advance.

Have you considered that your stepdaughter might not really want a relationship with your daughter (who isn't even her half sister, if I'm understanding correctly) You sound controlling and weird. Your stepdaughter sounds very nice, kind and polite. Don't bring your daughter up to be a needy pest, that isn't fair on anyone.

Why on earth is your DD in tears. She might be a bit disappointed, but your DSD will be back later. It’s good for DC, whether biological or not to spend time with family themselves. Particularly when they are teenagers.

You should have cracked on with your own plans, and not encouraged any drama. I understand your feelings, but you can’t force other people to think exactly as you do.

I think if you’re able to accept this then you’ll all be happier going forward. Enjoy the rest of your day.

DSD evidently knew, though. OK she didn't mention the plans in advance, and as a pp said its worth thinking critically why she didn't, but the same is also true of OP. You can't just decide a teenager is going to do something without bothering to mention it and then complain when they politely decline. Even if DSD weren't going out, she might have wanted to spend the day in a different way to the one OP had selected.

If the family were laughing that's potentially rude and dismissive, yes.

4 months ago you'd been married 7 years according to you

Jesus, my DSD and my DC hardly ever talk, despite being the same age and having known each other for 8 years. They are all mates on social media but put them in the same room and they wouldn't speak.

My DC sometimes get on, other times don't.im part of a blended family myself and have never had a close relationship with one DSB, but am close to my other one. Same with my natural siblings.

My DSD gets loads from DHs parents, mine get nothing from them, but my DM will spend the same on my kids as she spends on my DSD. People have different thoughts on these things. Would it be nice if DHs mum spent money on my DC? Probably, but given she hardly acknowledges I exist whenever possible it is just never going to happen.

Leave them be.

If your daughter is bored can’t she go and meet friends and maybe a day with her own aunt/granny if she has them?

It doesn't sound like the DSDs wishes are actually important here, so I doubt the OP is really that bothered. Just so long as she gets the setup she wants.

What she doesn't realise is that the more she acts like this the more likely the DSD is to withdraw and not visit in the future.

Very short sighted and smothering.

OP who was it that decided you were meant to be 'looking after' DSD? I only ask because the typical 14 year old doesnt need to be actively looked after in the holidays and it doesn't sound like this one does.

To add, trying to phone the Dad and stirr up trouble is just going to be a stupid move in the long run. She'll just setup a situation where the inlaws and DSD will think she's bonkers and deep down her husband will agree.

For me its about the lack of communication - OP made plans for DD and DSD and herself and they sweep in and bugger off without a by your leave, and whilst she is 14 and its family you would have expected her to at least know about it

Stop trying to force a bond that isn’t there and encourage your DD to foster relationships with her own family and the people who value her.

Trying to shoehorn her into your husband’s family is only setting her up for disappointment. You’re actively damaging your daughter’s self worth and self esteem and I think both of you would benefit from therapy.

That’s not the relatives problem though

Absolutely not.

Blending successfully is having the emotional maturity to understand your family is not one family.

Its like a vendiagram that has multiple family relationships with in it. And children that put in a blended family should never have to sacrifice those family relationship ties.

A healthy blended family especially after 9 years should have raised the kids in it understanding that.

As someone who had an older child consistently left out by in laws....you are overreacting.

They had a lovely time doing something, you wanted to carry that over to the next day, she immediately tells you she has plans but thank you. Polite and appropriate response. Your daughter will only be upset if you promised her a day out with DSD, which is on you because she certainly hadn't agreed to that.

Ok I’ve taken a glance over your previous threads. Let it go.

Your step daughter does not have to have a sister like relationship with your child just because her dad decided to marry someone who had a child of their own.

YOU chose this situation SHE did not.

It is not her fault that your child isn’t as confident as her or that she goes to private school and your daughter doesn’t.

It is not your step daughter’s responsibility to change your child.

leave her alone and let it go.

And?

But the dd had also made plans. Op didn’t check with her before making plans so that’s sort on on op for assuming dsd would be free. At 14 I used to make my own plans.

I'm sorry, but you cannot force your and your partner's daughters to 'bond' and no, things are not ruined because your stepdaughter spent a day with your daughter and then a second day with her grandparents. Why is she crying? Is she picking this up from you because I really can't imagine most kids giving a shit about this.

Your stepdaughter is not obliged to be responsible for your daughter's feelings or to have sisterly relationship with her.

I haven't read your back stories and I'm sure your partner's family can be awful, but this is absolutely not one of those times. You're being very dramatic and OTT about a non-issue.

FWIW, I'm fond of my sister but we certainly didn't hang out and 'bond' together when I was a kid, particularly when she was a teenager, and we're full sisters with the same parents.

I suspect the plans for today would have been very targeted to the wants of the 12 year old not the 14 year old. And they are very different at those ages. Just do something nice with your daughter, don't expect the SD to validate that, and let her have fun with her relatives.

I’ve read OP’s previous threads. She’s not a new girlfriend, she’s a long term partner - ten years or so I think.

You’re overreacting OP. I don’t see the problem here.

It was rude that you weren't told the plans in advance so you could plan your day around them, since naturally you would include DSD in activities while she's staying with you. So you should have been told in advance that she would be out.

That said, you need to change your mindset. Value your DD and teach her to value herself by not foisting her company on those who do not appreciate her, but instead seeking out those who want her company. To be completely blunt, cling-ons are not attractive. DSD will probably be much happier and more eager to spend time with your DD if you support her in being more independent and, being perfectly frank, a little less available.

Next time your DSD comes to stay, preempt the situation by asking her and your DD to choose one activity they'd like to do together, and then organising at least an afternoon just for you and your DD while DSD spends time with her dad or does other stuff. Less is often more.