In-laws have taken step-daughter out

[Tinogirl]

I have posted on here before…always the same story. . My husband and I each have a daughter- a year and a half separates them.

He was not in a relationship with her mother and is completely central to his and his family’s lives. I get that and it is how it should be but while they are all polite to my daughter they have never really embraced her,

Well this week my husband and child’s mother were both working and mother-in-law was away so stepdaughter was staying with us.

This rarely happens and we had a good weekend and yesterday Stepdaughter found out that daughter was struggling with something and spent three hours teaching her. Showing her techniques, downloading stuff etc. Now she is always polite but yesterday I felt there was a bit of a breakthrough after 9 years.

This morning they got up and said that I would take them to the place we went to at the weekend. Stepdaughter was again very polite, told me that I was very sweet but she was going out with her Grandmother and aunt- DH’s mum and sister.

They rock up, aunt comes to door, stepdaughter gets in back of car and off they shoot, I said I would have to ask DH as I was meant to be looking after her. SiL laughed and said she was 14 and they would actually be back before DH anyway.

My daughter now on her own in tears. I can’t get through to DH. I am fuming. Daughter then refused to go out for lunch. Sitting there using the app that stepdaughter showed her.

Even the term ‘having words’ makes my skin crawl.

it suggests someone who thinks they can just solve any issue by shouting and dictating to everyone how they should act. This high conflict, high emotion response rarely gets others on side.

from OP’s previous posts she has a chip
on her shoulder about how much money these people have, and she feels they look down on her and her daughter. I doubt a high conflict approach would change that.

This.

I would not take well to the op having words with me.

The girls aren’t sisters. They’re not even friends. OP joined this family knowing that her daughter wasn’t going to be treated as a grandchild/niece/daughter, and she’s not going to change it now. That is what is non negotiable, and if OP objects then the only option available to her is to leave.

The 14 year old is quite capable of managing her own relationships with her family, and is trusted to do so by her parents. No one is going to pay the slightest bit of attention to OP trying to interfere with this.

OP’s h wants OP’s dd to see him as her mother’s husband and not stepdad. He doesn’t want to blend in a way where all kids are equal. He wants to raise his dd separately. SD goes to boarding school, lives mainly with her mum and is usually based at her aunt or grandmother’s house when she visits her dad. That’s what the dad (aunt and grandmother) want and they are happy with that. OP says that SD tolerates her and her dd - there is no closeness or affection there.
OP’s SIL and MIL don’t really have a choice but to follow SD and OP’s h’s lead. Forcing the girls together risks SD not visiting in future and OP’s h, MIL and SIL don’t want that.

These girls can never be treated the same. One goes to boarding school because her parents are wealthy and has adoring paternal grandparents while the other does not. MIL, SIL and the h aren’t going to care if the OP has words. They’ve been clear from day 1 about how they want the final vision to look like and OP chose to stay anyway.

I struggle to understand some replies because as a step grandparent I would invite both girls out, surely inviting one is excluding the other?

Yes. They want to spend time with their grandchild.

OP’s in laws don’t act as grandparents to her daughter. The SD doesn’t consider her a sister, either. Inviting OP’s DD out would likely mean their actual granddaughter wouldn’t go, so why would they do that?

Doubt post

No, you are not being unreasonable at all.

From what you have said your DH's mum and sister rocked up and took one of his daughters out, leaving his other (step) daughter behind, no wonder she is crying. Are they not her Grandmother and Aunt too? Is she not actually part of the family? She is a child.

Aside from the fact that your step daughter was visiting you. Isn't it just common curtesy to see if you have any plans or go for a different day? They obviously knew where she was.

I can see why you are fuming.

Trouble is, it looks like this is how they are, which is really tough on your daughter. I hope when she is feeling better, you do get to go out and do some fun stuff too.

Are they not her Grandmother and Aunt too? Is she not actually part of the family? She is a child.

No. They aren't.
Haven't you read the thread ?

Yes, I read the thread. I understand what you are saying.
She has been part of the family for 9 years, and her stepdad's family are going out of their way to exclude her. And she feels it.

No, they’re simply doing what they’ve always done and not treating her as something she isn’t to them.

OP knew when she married that neither her husband nor his family were going to be offering her child the type of family relationships she wants for her. That’s on OP. They weren’t going to change to suit her then, and they won’t now.

These grandparents don’t consider this girl their grandchild.

OP can’t force them to. People are different. It’s not how I would play it if I was the grand parent, but I have enough experience of the world to understand not everyone thinks like me and it’s not my way or the high way.

you can’t stamp your foot and force people to redefine their view of who their family is.

I am amazed at how many people on this thread can’t understand that not everyone thinks like them. Lots of people don’t view step grandchildren in the same way as their grandchildren, in the same way as most kids don’t think their step mother is the same as their mother. That’s life

Your daughter is in tears because you make such a huge deal out of it yourself OP. You’re stressed, ‘fuming’ and making it look like your DD has been rejected and abandoned. How else is she going to feel fgs?

I think if you’ve been married for 9 years it’s really unfair of your husband’s family to not include your daughter in trips out like that too. She should be seen as their granddaughter too, she has grown up with them if she’s only around 12!

No.
The SD doesn't usually live with the OP and her dd, not even at weekends.

The SD is at boarding school - so away during term time - and then, when she is 'home' she splits that time usually between her Mum and her Dad who spends the time with his dd at her Grandparents. The two girls haven't grown up together at all.

I feel, even if they have, it is still fine for grandparent and Aunt to take their dd somewhere. In the same way I sometimes take my Godson somewhere, but not his brother, as his brother isn't my Godson.

Godson is not the same relationship though as step grandparents whose son has been the step dad of since the child was a toddler. Just my personal opinion but I don’t understand how they could treat that child any different to a blood relative (unless there’s underlying stuff I’ve not seen like they don’t ever see her as there’s no relationship with husbands parents)

Just as step-granddaughter is an entirely different one to granddaughter.

You don’t need to understand it, although i’m not sure it’s difficult to understand that there is no one dynamic that works for all families. What you consider ideal and what ‘should’ happen isn’t going to be at all desirable to everyone.

They don’t see her as a grandchild/niece and never have. OP’s husband doesn’t consider her a daughter, and the stepdaughter doesn’t consider her a friend, let alone a sister.

OP knew that when she married him.

It sounds like a frustrating situation, maybe one that although you knew what you were heading into, you could not anticipate every which way it turned out.

I think that the person you need to concentrate on is your daughter. I really felt for her when you said that she cried. I honestly feel that there is a lot more to this for your daughter, such as what about her grandmother, father and family, Who loves her and is there for her? You said that they have never really embraced her, but who has? I think the relationships you need to be building up are the ones that are good for her.

I also think that a few questions and a bit of communication wouldn't go amis so that you can avert this happening again. It's much less painful if everyone knows what is happening. (E.g. 'Ok so DH daughter is visiting on Saturday, stopping overnight then going out with Grandma and Aunt.') Which, as other posters have said, there is nothing wrong with that. The part that is wrong, is that you could have made plans, bought food, tickets etc, but this was not considered by them even though you were doing everybody a favour by having her in the first place.

You need to detach, for your sake and your DD's. On the rare occasions when your DSD visits to stay with her dad, plan other entertainment for your DD or take her away for the weekend. Unless it is clearly discussed and agreed in advance that there will be some sort of "family" time with the two girls, assume that your DSD won't be interested in spending time with your DD and surround your DD with fun activities and people who appreciate her. Leave your husband to deal with DSD.

The main issue on this particular day seems to be the lack of planning. As said above, I would take the 3 hours together as a massive win and leave it there, I have lots of kids and if I got a guilt-free afternoon to give my daughter one to one attention then I'd be delighted as it barely happens. If you knew you'd be with just the 2 of them for a day, why didn't you plan the night before to do something really fun and agree it with them both? then if she already had plans you'd have known.

Unless I've misunderstood it sounds like she rarely stays at yours, in which case you are never going to be that integrated I'm afraid, but if you carve out time the 4 of you - take her on holiday? more days/evenings out with you and your husband then you will make progress. Ignore the extended family, you can't expect them to be as invested as you are.

I have 2 step kids, 1 son and a daughter that my DH and I share so we've got different families coming out of our ears. We try and do stuff altogether and we all accept that other times the different kids will go off with their own families individually too.

I know it's hard but you're not going to all properly blend unless you live together all the time. Plus, she's got 1 foot out the door now anyway if she's 14, I wouldn't worry about it. You've got maybe a year and she probably won't be interested in coming to stay with her dad at all. That doesn't mean that the dynamic won't shift as they get older. 9 years together is about the same as me and my husband and the steps still butt heads, but then so do the full siblings... it will change and when they're adults it will all be different. You are nearly out the other side..

I think it would be weird if they treated OP’s dd “like family” when OP’s stepfather does not consider her “like family” (He doesn’t allow his sd to call him dad)

Plus the sd doesn’t see her as family. She is polite but tolerates OP and her dd for her dad’s sake. If OP’s dd came along to outings, it would be like a punishment for sd as she’s not friends with her stepsister. Sd is normally at boarding school so aunt and gran will rarely see her since half the school holidays will be with sd’s mum so seeing as is a treat for them too.

Really sorry OP
I wouldn't take out my step neice tbh.
Also, a 14 year old can go out alone.
That's 2 years away from 16!
Don't take it the wrong way.
They're step sisters, not even half sisters!