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Original poster

In-laws have taken step-daughter out

548 replies

Tinogirl · 05/08/2025 12:43

I have posted on here before…always the same story. . My husband and I each have a daughter- a year and a half separates them.

He was not in a relationship with her mother and is completely central to his and his family’s lives. I get that and it is how it should be but while they are all polite to my daughter they have never really embraced her,

Well this week my husband and child’s mother were both working and mother-in-law was away so stepdaughter was staying with us.

This rarely happens and we had a good weekend and yesterday Stepdaughter found out that daughter was struggling with something and spent three hours teaching her. Showing her techniques, downloading stuff etc. Now she is always polite but yesterday I felt there was a bit of a breakthrough after 9 years.

This morning they got up and said that I would take them to the place we went to at the weekend. Stepdaughter was again very polite, told me that I was very sweet but she was going out with her Grandmother and aunt- DH’s mum and sister.

They rock up, aunt comes to door, stepdaughter gets in back of car and off they shoot, I said I would have to ask DH as I was meant to be looking after her. SiL laughed and said she was 14 and they would actually be back before DH anyway.

My daughter now on her own in tears. I can’t get through to DH. I am fuming. Daughter then refused to go out for lunch. Sitting there using the app that stepdaughter showed her.

OP posts:
outerspacepotato · 05/08/2025 13:11

It's one of those second wife unhappy that her kid from a prior marriage isn't treated by new husband's family as part of their bio family and jealous of more privilege for first wife's kid who is their actual bio relation. Add in mad because SD isn't insta BFF for her daughter.

Radiowaawaa · 05/08/2025 13:13

Tinogirl · 05/08/2025 12:57

Bananachimp My child’s paternal family would never have met my stepdaughter. My in-laws have know my daughter for just over eight years. My in-laws see my stepdaughter reasonably often, especially my MiL.

I was looking forward to a lovely day.

She politely and sweetly declined the invitation. She’s 14 and chose to go elsewhere. She wasn’t rude about it.

Surely if anyone is to blame it’s dsd (who at 14 I think can make her own choice) who chose to do something else.

If you want to make a plan for a nice day together then ask her, in advance. She might really want to if she knows it’s happening.

FancyNewt · 05/08/2025 13:14

I assume you mean they should have taken your DD as well? How old is your DD and does she have contact with your side or her father's side of the family ?

LadeOde · 05/08/2025 13:15

childofthe607080s · 05/08/2025 12:58

They have a blended family

its quite rude to take one child out but not the other especially when it’s a repeated pattern

snd blended families are notorious hard , the adults ( and that includes the inlawss) should focus on what’s best for the new family not protecting their blood like in some mafia drama

if they won’t accept the whole family DH needs to tell them they are no longer welcome

This is absurd! not just alienating himself from his blood family but also alienating his DD from her own grandmother & aunt because they won't give his step daughter the same opportunities as her. What a brilliant way to ensure the two girls bond! Expecting perfect equity when relationships are fundamentally different is unrealistic If lifelong family ties should be severed over something so trivial, then you must have very shallow or fragile family connections.

MascaraGirl · 05/08/2025 13:15

I don't see the point of all this forced togetherness?

Imisscoffee2021 · 05/08/2025 13:17

It sounds like you were relieved and thrilled that the girls had had a moment to spend time together, that your step daughter took the time to help your daughter and showed her she cared. You wanted to keep that momentum going but people aren't there to behave exactly as you want or wish.

Yes it'd be nice to have given you a heads up beforehand that she was going out, unless she planned to and you let her know your idea of plans early on in the day. She has family members in her life that are somewhat seperate to you and your daughter and always will be, and while there's overlap it shouldn't be oushed or forced. Your daughter upset that she went obviously creates an emotional reaction in you which is understandable but not reasonable.

Wolfpa · 05/08/2025 13:17

How did you react to the news? Is it possible that you are making things hurt more for your daughter then they need to be?

Finteq · 05/08/2025 13:18

I've read you're other threads.

You've got a DH problem.

His family treat your daughter like this because he let's them.

And you seem quite fixated on your stepdaughter in your threads. I think you need to let it go. SD doesn't want a relationship with your daughter. You need to stop forcing the issue.

Tippertapperfeet · 05/08/2025 13:18

You’re out of order op. sorry. You can’t force a relationship between the girls and you can’t expect your dsd not to see her father’s family if your daughter doesn’t get to come too.

does your dd see her paternal family?

MageQueen · 05/08/2025 13:19

Do you have any idea how full siblings act? One day, they spend the day having a goo time an dplaying, and then the next, one wants to go off and do something entirely different (often the older one). This is perfectly normal.

And your SD is 14 for pity's sake. You're not "looking after her" in the same way you are a 8 year old. I woke up this morning and my 14 year old had already taken himself to the gym and is now downstairs making smoothies. Yesterday, him and his sister discussed the arrangements for a new pet they're getting and had a good time deciding who is responsible for what, when. Today, he probably won't say 2 words to her. Totally normal.

SuperTrooper1111 · 05/08/2025 13:20

Tinogirl · 05/08/2025 12:54

I want our daughters to bond; I definitely agree that they need alone time too with their own families but there is no way I would have left my brother’s stepchild out like that.

Yesterday they were really bonding and now it’s ruined.

Husband’s response about his family is oh you know what they’re like,

It's not ruined but your DD will think it is if that's the sentiment you project to her. Keep your counsel. They can pick up the activity when DSD is back.

If the issue is you are upset they didn't take your DD too, just say that. But maybe they want to spend time alone with granddaughter and niece. Do your parents and siblings take DSD out as well when they see your DD?

TheCurious0range · 05/08/2025 13:20

Do you family treat your step daughter the same way they treat your biological daughter?

Muhmuhmuh · 05/08/2025 13:20

Tinogirl · 05/08/2025 12:54

I want our daughters to bond; I definitely agree that they need alone time too with their own families but there is no way I would have left my brother’s stepchild out like that.

Yesterday they were really bonding and now it’s ruined.

Husband’s response about his family is oh you know what they’re like,

OP I know your other threads. You’re trying to force something that can’t be forced, nor will this bond grow organically. The girls are very different and I think deep down you’d like your daughter to have some of the confidence and relative sophistication that your step daughter has, but they’re different characters and wouldn’t form a friendship or bond in any other circumstance.

You’re doing your own daughter a disservice

Letstheriveranswer · 05/08/2025 13:20

As you were looking after her as her mother was unavailable, how lovely of them to take her out and give you a break / have some time of their own with her.

UpDo · 05/08/2025 13:21

This is not something to fume over.

BrendaSmall · 05/08/2025 13:21

Sounds like your daughter needs to get some friends and go out with them!

Imisscoffee2021 · 05/08/2025 13:22

Tinogirl · 05/08/2025 12:54

I want our daughters to bond; I definitely agree that they need alone time too with their own families but there is no way I would have left my brother’s stepchild out like that.

Yesterday they were really bonding and now it’s ruined.

Husband’s response about his family is oh you know what they’re like,

But how were they supposed to know about this bonding moment? They couldnt have known, so try to seperate that from what you're feeling.

It really can't be pushed, lots of little moments like that add up to a relationship. Trying to recreate it the next day doesn't mean it'd be the same. Your daughter had a great few hours with her stepsister, don't wash it all away with upset when she went to see some of her other family.

Namechange7282829 · 05/08/2025 13:22

Im not quite understanding the issue. You told the girls this morning you were going to take them somewhere for the day and your SD said sorry, I’ve already got plans with my nan and aunt. What is the problem with that? Confused

My half sibling got a large inheritance from the non shared grandparent when they died. I didn’t because she wasn’t my nan. That’s just how blended families work?

AuntyDepressant · 05/08/2025 13:23

Tinogirl · 05/08/2025 12:54

I want our daughters to bond; I definitely agree that they need alone time too with their own families but there is no way I would have left my brother’s stepchild out like that.

Yesterday they were really bonding and now it’s ruined.

Husband’s response about his family is oh you know what they’re like,

Why is it ruined? She’s not a prisoner. She is allowed to see her family. She isn’t there just to entertain your daughter.

anon4net · 05/08/2025 13:23

@Tinogirl I think your daughter is picking up on your insecurities. Your step daughter and daughter will never bond if you force whatever your DSD has to be your child's lived experiences too. They won't be. Your step daughter has every right to spend time with her grandparent and aunt and they are far less likely to include your daughter if they feel their grandchild/niece is being denied autonomy, relationships & her family. Not even siblings do everything together. Mine may go out with a family member without their siblings and I think it's lovely - some one on one time, the chance to develop their own relationships and connections.

It seems like this is a long standing issue. I suspect there is a deep insecurity there. Sometimes it is about the fact someone has an only child or doesn't have loving family for their child like their step siblings have. Whatever it is, the signs are clear what you are doing/thinking/feeling isn't working. Time to have a long look in the mirror and accept what you have a right to control and don't. Your daughter will thank you for that one day b/c it sounds like she's already picking up on your insecurities and basing her happiness on a false sense of entitlement. It will absolutely ruin the chance the girls have at having a proper relationship.

As for looking forward to a lovely day, this isn't yours to dictate how/when/why/for what length that happens. I think seeing someone about your fears and need to control these things may help. I'm sure you are a lovely person and you may not be able to really see the situation for what it is but your daughter, step daughter and the people of Mumsnet are showing you something needs to change and it very very much starts with you. Flowers

Pancakeflipper · 05/08/2025 13:23

I feel for your daughter. She must pick up on your vibe of things being second best if DSD isn't there.

It sounds like they have a sweet relationship. Stop the pressure. They will bond their way, not with you pushing it.

Your DSD is obviously "allowed" to see her extended family members.

Though, did you know DSD was out for the day with them? You could have all been out. Perhaps a family calendar so you all know each other's plans?

Confabulations · 05/08/2025 13:24

A couple can choose to marry and 'blend' their children into a household. They cannot force wider family to do the same and consider unrelated children to be equal to related ones. Some may choose to, but that does mean everyone has to, or should.

In this family, it is very clear that the wider family do not want to have the younger girl blended with them. And the older girl does not consider the younger as any sort of sibling. An relationship cannot be forced to be closer against her wishes.

I suspect she politely tolerates the stepmother (OP) in order to have a relationship with her father, but as she gets older and is able to have more autonomy over a situation that she has clearly been put into against her wishes, she will spent time with her father outside his home and with her extended family.

I quite admire the stepdaughter for knowing her mind and confidently holding her boundaries throughout.

columnatedruinsdomino · 05/08/2025 13:24

So you had a good weekend with SD and yesterday she spent 3 HOURS helping your dd and you felt good about it. What a positive! And yet... it's still not enough for you. She sounds a lot more mature than your dd, who is possibly picking up these negative emotions from you when things don't go as planned. Don't push it.

BlueRin5eBrigade · 05/08/2025 13:24

Is your Step Daughter allowed to make plans and go out without checking with an adult first? I'd be pissed that MIL and SIL unilaterally made the decision without checking first. Although, i wonder if theve done that because you would have been difficult. I thnk you are being unreasonable to expect them to take your daughter. Your step daughter is going out with her relatives. They are nothing to do with your daughter. They don't need to have a relationship with her or take her anywhere. They clearly don't want to. Just because H has chosen to be a blended family doesn't mean they have to or want to.

I think you need to explain things so your daughter doesn't get so upset. She has a material and paternal family as does your Step child. She can't expect to be involved with her Step sisters family. Unfortunately, sometimes things are different and don't seem fair. That's what happens with some blended families.

Pregnancyquestion · 05/08/2025 13:26

I have nieces and nephews from my two brothers, one brother has older step children, the other brother has children with 4 different women, who all have kids with other people.

I don’t, and never will treat the siblings of my DNs the same as them, if their step/half siblings are there for Christmas get togethers I’ll get them a token present but my priority is doing stuff for the ones I’m related to.

You DD and DSD aren’t growing up in the same household, with the same upbringing, they are different. They have different family members from each other, different schools, different lives. Your DD has a family. I think you need to stop insisting that she be treated equally. You concentrate on you own DD. Leave DSD to her own family