In-laws have taken step-daughter out

[Tinogirl]

I have posted on here before…always the same story. . My husband and I each have a daughter- a year and a half separates them.

He was not in a relationship with her mother and is completely central to his and his family’s lives. I get that and it is how it should be but while they are all polite to my daughter they have never really embraced her,

Well this week my husband and child’s mother were both working and mother-in-law was away so stepdaughter was staying with us.

This rarely happens and we had a good weekend and yesterday Stepdaughter found out that daughter was struggling with something and spent three hours teaching her. Showing her techniques, downloading stuff etc. Now she is always polite but yesterday I felt there was a bit of a breakthrough after 9 years.

This morning they got up and said that I would take them to the place we went to at the weekend. Stepdaughter was again very polite, told me that I was very sweet but she was going out with her Grandmother and aunt- DH’s mum and sister.

They rock up, aunt comes to door, stepdaughter gets in back of car and off they shoot, I said I would have to ask DH as I was meant to be looking after her. SiL laughed and said she was 14 and they would actually be back before DH anyway.

My daughter now on her own in tears. I can’t get through to DH. I am fuming. Daughter then refused to go out for lunch. Sitting there using the app that stepdaughter showed her.

Ruined?! Are you having a giraffe?

OP, do your family always include your SD when they see your DD?

Does your DD never get to spend time with your family unless SD goes as well?

Or do you not have family that embrace your DD as enthusiastically as SD is embraced by her Dad’s family?

I've read OP's previous posts.
tl;dr - DD is jealous of DSD who is confident, privately educated, always nice and polite AND loved by her family. OP thinks her DD should be included in DSD's family things. DD's paternal family don't have much contact with her.

It's not DSD's fault that her own family do things together/invite her out.
It's also not DSD's fault that your DD's paternal family isn't much interested in her.
What about your own family OP, do they take your DD out?
Why should DSD's family include your DD in family outings when she's not part of their family?

You will help your DD more if you change your mindset about insisting on forcing a relationship between the two girls, and instead explained why DSD does things ALONE, with her own family members.

I'm also sorry OP, that the situation winds you up, but you can't control how DSD's family feel about your own DD.

NINE YEARS.

You are going to destroy what could be a perfectly nice relationship in the future. The minute the green eyed monster rears its ugly head, trouble sets in. You DSD deserves to get to know her related family and should not have any hurdles put in her way. Your daughter needs to learn she is not a princess. What would she do if she had a full older sister who was taken out by say her godmother or her friend's mother. Would she try to control the situation too? She is very lucky your DSD showed her what to do. Be grateful and enjoy what you have instead of petty micro management.

Do you have a sibling OP? I’m guessing no because you have unrealistic expectations that teen siblings are going to act like infant school siblings and hang out together most of the time. You’re very unreasonable to encourage catastrophic emotions like yesterday’s sweet moment being cancelled out by today’s outing. If you meet Kate today and Anna tomorrow, dors it mean that you don’t like Kate any more? Of course not.

It’s good that they had some quality time together but you can’t force it to accelerate the process. You and your h chose each other. The girls did not and it sounds like sd isn’t unkind or anything so you need to let it go. She’s also from a blended family and having to balance ILs, her mum’s house and her dad’s house and both her own life.

In an ideal world, your husband’s family would treat your dd like sd but it’s been 8 years - you must have got the hint that it will never happen and you need to either protect dd by leaving or setting her expectations at a reasonable level. You should be angry at her paternal family not the ILs. The ILs don’t see your dd the same as SD the same way that you clearly don’t. You are kind but that’s the price of remaining in a relationship with her dad.

I think this is a bit much tbh. Op has been asked to watch DSD. She's made plans accordingly to give her dd and dsd a chance to spend time with her and each other. DSDs aunt and granny have landed without warning and taken dsd out with no consideration for the fact that op may have had plans given that at that moment in time she was the one who was responsible for both girls. I think op should have been consulted - a simple text to say we were hoping to take dsd out for a few hours do you already have plans - would have sufficed. This small act is not only showing respect for ops time, but also would give her a chance to prepare her Dd that dsd would be going out with her family.

It's only natural that dd finds this disappointing if she wants to be included and given that she's a child, she needs help and preparation to help her understand why she won't be included in the same way.

Personally I think it's nasty behaviour to always exclude ops dd given that ops dh is essentially her father and has taken on that role. I could never personally exclude a child like that. It's like saying they need to make zero effort with a child their son/brother adopted because they aren't blood. It's their right, but it would be a shit thing to do.

So in the meantime a small act of courtesy to help a child avoid disappointment and upset really isn't too much to ask.

Agree with this. Your stepdaughter isn’t the problem, the problem is that you resent the disparity but this is not her fault. You are the adult here, be the adult, and stop feeding the same drama cycle.

I definitely think they should all keep you better informed of any plans, but other than that, I don’t see an issue. Your step daughter and her family will obviously want to spend time together without your daughter, but it sounds as though your step daughter is polite to everyone and is kind to your daughter. Get on with your day with your own child.

It seems the issues is that they didn’t tell you in advance they would be taking their grandchild/niece out first the afternoon. You should tell your DH that in future any plans should be told to you in advance, especially if you are the one responsible for her at the time. But this doesn’t ‘ruin’ the bonding between your DD and this girl, and fur your DD to be in years is a bit of an overreaction.

It sounds very much like you think your own daughter compares unfavourably to your DSD, in part because of the influence your DSD’s wider family had on her. You want them to influence your own DD equally. You also want a beautifully blended family despite what the family members themselves want.

That’s not going to happen. It’s just not. They don’t want it. Your DH doesn’t want it enough to try to make them. You’re the only one. You should have thought of this before you married a man who didn’t want what you want.

If you continue to compare your DD to your DSD like this, you will be ruining your child. YOU will be. YOU will be instilling a sense of inferiority in her. That sort of stuff lasts a lifetime.

Why is your DD sulking? Why are you saying the day is ruined? The correct response would have been “oh, I didn’t know you were out today, I wish your dad had told me as I’d planned xyz. Never mind, next time. DD, let’s user this time to do abc instead, we’ve been meaning to for a while. And we’ll all have dinner at 6pm - DSD can you ask your aunt to have you back by then please? Thanks”.

I don’t understand the issue. Right now my DD is off out with my MIL. I think they are getting their nails done, a bit of shopping and lunch. My DS is home here with me. Wasn’t invited as they are having a bit of one-on-one time. My kids are full siblings and MIL is blood grandparent to both.

Families don’t need to do everything together.

The grandmother should have told you earlier about the proposed daytrip. You could have easily been out for the day yourself.

It's possible the SD did know in advance but didn't say anything until they turned up as she knew what reaction she'd get. This way she could go off with them without pressure being put on her not to, or to take the OP's dd.

Ah OP, I’ve just read your older threads.

For your sake and your daughter’s sake I think you need to let go of the idea of them being close or like sisters.

I don’t think SD, MIL or SIL have done anything wrong here.

SD has not “ruined” anything. She kindly helped your DD with something and has now gone out with her family. It sounds like you have a huge chip on your shoulder when it comes to SD and you need to let it go, and encourage some resilience in your DD. At 14 SD can of course go out with her family without permission. It’s not SDs fault that she has a paternal family, goes to private school, or is more sophisticated. You need to accept that they have different families and are not siblings.

@franpie would that still have been fine if you'd had plans to do something nice with both of them and your mil had just arrived unannounced at your house and told (not asked) that they are taking your dd out and when you tried to challenge that she laughed at you?

The issue isn't the need to do everything together, it's the landing unannounced on ops time and taking one child, scuppering the plans op had made for both children to do something fun meaning one child missed out unexpectedly.

I think an adopted child and a Step child are very different things. My brother had Step kids. I treated them as my own and when the relationship was over I was told those kids aren't anything to do with me. Those ties were severed. When someone is adopted they are still your family on separation.

I would never take on an unrelated child again. I wouldn't be unkind but I wouldnt invest my time, energy or money into them. They have their own family. My bio family will always be my family even if our relationships breakdown.

I cannot understand at all why you think SD going out with her aunt and grandmother "ruins" her relationship with your daughter. They had a lovely day bonding yesterday and that has not been affected in the slightest by whatever happened today.

Perhaps it would have been kind of the grandmother and aunt to take your daughter out with them, and it sounds as if you don’t have a great relationship with them, but I don’t see how or why that affects the relationship between the girls. Your DD is old enough to understand that it wasn’t SD's choice.

It’s a shame for your Dd but you can’t dictate how extended family embrace blending.

You have your vision, they don’t see it that way.

Bit much for your DD to be in tears. The relationship doesn’t have to be ‘ruined’ because DSD went with her grandmother.

Don’t pass melodrama on to your Dd.

It doesn’t sound like MIL and SIL coming by was unannounced, SD had made prearranged plans with them.

I've just read some of your previous posts for context, OP. If your DSD is on her summer holidays from boarding school then of course her paternal family is going to want some precious 1-1 time with her. They must hardly see her, especially as you've also previously stated she rarely stays at yours. Something you must also consider is that she's had to spend the past nine years watching her dad live in the same household as another girl whereas she's never lived with him. We have a friend who split with his wife and he now lives with a woman who has a son the exact same age as his. It's been confusing and hurtful for our friend's son seeing his dad live with another boy. So you can surely appreciate why your DH's family might bend over backwards to make sure DSD knows she will always be the priority in his and their lives.

Also, when it comes to girls' development, a 14-year-old can feel miles ahead of a 12-year-old, so it's no surprise DSD is indifferent to your DD. She might seem like a little kid to her. So I'd take the small wins when they do spend time bonding and stop trying for force the relationship. Your DD is picking up on your angst and that's not fair on her.

I really get why you are disappointed, you've been married for 9 years and your husbands family still appear to not be bonding with your daughter. Personally, I would be inviting both teenagers out for lunch, they've been in your daughter's life for so long, it's such a shame how this has turned out.
However, you're going to have to accept this reality and make peace with this situation. It doesn't look as if it will change in the future. Your SD is polite to you and has some relationship with your daughter. Build on this small foundation and try and make it stronger. Don't let the green eyed monster get in the way as you'll never be happy and be doing your daughter a great disservice.
I think your daughter is picking up on your behaviour, act better!
Accept that is your SDs blood family and they prefer her, I wouldn't act like them but each to their own.
You and your daughter will be more content once you have accepted this reality. Move on and work towards building a good future with both children.

Say what? The stepdaughter already had plans for the day. What's the big deal?

Maybe ops daughter wanted to go? Or spend time with her stepsister

Alternative idea, try and foster a closer relationship with your DDs actual family instead of trying to force her into DHs who clearly aren’t interested in developing a deeper relationship with her.

Concentrate on your own DD instead of fixating on DSD, she’s obviously picking up on how important you view this relationship hence the tears, you’re going to give your child a complex at this rate! Back off!