In-laws have taken step-daughter out

[Tinogirl]

I have posted on here before…always the same story. . My husband and I each have a daughter- a year and a half separates them.

He was not in a relationship with her mother and is completely central to his and his family’s lives. I get that and it is how it should be but while they are all polite to my daughter they have never really embraced her,

Well this week my husband and child’s mother were both working and mother-in-law was away so stepdaughter was staying with us.

This rarely happens and we had a good weekend and yesterday Stepdaughter found out that daughter was struggling with something and spent three hours teaching her. Showing her techniques, downloading stuff etc. Now she is always polite but yesterday I felt there was a bit of a breakthrough after 9 years.

This morning they got up and said that I would take them to the place we went to at the weekend. Stepdaughter was again very polite, told me that I was very sweet but she was going out with her Grandmother and aunt- DH’s mum and sister.

They rock up, aunt comes to door, stepdaughter gets in back of car and off they shoot, I said I would have to ask DH as I was meant to be looking after her. SiL laughed and said she was 14 and they would actually be back before DH anyway.

My daughter now on her own in tears. I can’t get through to DH. I am fuming. Daughter then refused to go out for lunch. Sitting there using the app that stepdaughter showed her.

They're not bonded. You trying to force a bond that doesn't exist will do more harm than good.

You merged existing kids when you married and the two haven't meshed. Your SD is polite and that's all you can expect.

Why don't you encourage your daughter to have some activities and her own interests rather than try to make SD into her built in friend? It's not going to happen.

Is there a huge backstory of grandmother being deliberately mean to her step grandchild (your daughter)

In this instant its toally ok for dss to go out with her granny and aunt. Would have been polite for this to be communicated to you but im guessing there is some tension

They have a blended family

its quite rude to take one child out but not the other especially when it’s a repeated pattern

snd blended families are notorious hard , the adults ( and that includes the inlawss) should focus on what’s best for the new family not protecting their blood like in some mafia drama

if they won’t accept the whole family DH needs to tell them they are no longer welcome

@Tinogirl stop throwing your toys out of the pram, not everything is about your or your daughter. Your SD has every right to go out with her family and they have every right not to include your daughter if they do not want to. This 'I was looking forward to a lovely day' is all about YOU and YOU. If your daughter is sulking because she is not getting her way then it is because she sees it with you. Throwing a tantrum because YOU did not get your own way is absolutely pathetic.

You have put your daughter in this situation, if you are having endless relationship dramas this blended family thing is not working for your daughter

Does that mean the OPs family should include the stepdaughter in everything?

GailPlattsDeadHusband I know you’re having a go at me but you know what? I agree with you. I have to accept things,

I actually really like my stepdaughter. Like her dad she is hilarious. I just wish they could include my daughter. Not always just sometimes,

But why is your daughter upset?

Having looked through your previous posts as a PP suggested, you need to stop forcing the relationship. It really won't help them bond. The children of a blended family don't get any choice in the matter when their parent remarries, so it's really up to DSD to decide on the relationships she has with you all.

Oh wow. I’ve read some now and I’m completely wrong.

OP, you’re being weird.

I’ve read one of your previous threads . Essentially your stepdaughter is the apple of her families eye and gets a lot of time/ money / attention. She is generally polite and well behaved and doesn’t come across as spoilt or rude despite having the best of everything heaped upon on her. She’s intelligent, articulate and mature fir her age. You seem to compare the two girls a lot, your daughter is young for age in comparison. You feel like your stepdaughter should receive less generally your daughter should be more included.

Really I think you have to consider if this is a dealbreaker for you or just go with it give your daughter time/ attention and help build her confidence. I suspect you are consistently making her feel bad in comparison. Not deliberately but this has been festering within you for ages.

@Tinogirl why would your dsd spending time with her paternal family ruin her "bonding " with your dd?
Also if after 9 years they don't have the relationship that you want to force between them why do you think it will happen now?

Why do some parents who marry each other become obsessed that their kids act as a family? You choose to marry your dh and versa and the kids have no say. The step daughter is well adjusted and confident as you say yourself so leave her to it. Shes not responsible for creating or getting involved in a new family unit

You know bio siblings at that age often dont get on.

Mine are bio and often hate going out with me together. Fight like cat and dog and often only one goes out with grandparents due to teenage moodiness

Just from the first page of searches these threads but there are many more. I'm actually starting to feel concerned for the DSD.

• DSD goes to private school paid for by her mum.
• OPs husband went to lunch with his cousin and didn’t invite OP
• DSD aunt booked for her to go the pantomime. OP wanted to know if she was unreasonable to book tickets to the pantomime and a table at the same restaurant after for her and her daughter to make them all feel uncomfortable.
• DSD was a bridesmaid at a family weeding

What? So your family haven't even met your stepdaughter? But you want step daughters family to do everything with your child?
Why can't you still have a lovely day?
They were really bonding and now it's ruined. Why is it ruined?

It means both families should include both children as the default in any treats

dad should have alone time with his child and OP should have alone time with hers

Is your daughter quite a bit younger than the step daughter? Did she want the "big girl" to stay and keep her company, especially as they'd had a nice morning together. If so, that's perfectly understandable. If she's more or less the same age, then it's time she started to understand the way the world and relationships work without you tainting it. Do your parents (if you have any) take your step daughter out with them?

Your DD shouldn't be in tears and you shouldn't be fuming. What is all this drama!?
Doesnt your DD have grandparents she can go and see? Doesn't she ever go out without step sister?
Your step daughter has her own life too, so calm down.

Bananachimp · Today 13:04 My family have met her but my child’s paternal family obviously hasn’t.

I think the only issue in this case was you not being aware of the plans. I would say to SD to let you know in advance of her plans when she is with you as you would also like to do activities with her.

It seems you are the problem. Why haven't you explained to your daughter that everyone has their own different days and times out. It's not about her being left out.

What next? SD can only have friends round if your daughter is included.

But what about your family. Do they do everything with both kids or just your child?

In one of your previous threads earlier this year it was 7 years. Now it's nearly 9.

Leave tbe poor step daughter alone, you can't force a relationship. Your comparing them and sound slightly pushy and obsessed with making them sisters when they're not.

Why is is relevant that DSD’s parents went in a relationship? I hate this, it’s its irrelevant and feels like it’s used to make step children be less important.