In-laws have taken step-daughter out

[Tinogirl]

I have posted on here before…always the same story. . My husband and I each have a daughter- a year and a half separates them.

He was not in a relationship with her mother and is completely central to his and his family’s lives. I get that and it is how it should be but while they are all polite to my daughter they have never really embraced her,

Well this week my husband and child’s mother were both working and mother-in-law was away so stepdaughter was staying with us.

This rarely happens and we had a good weekend and yesterday Stepdaughter found out that daughter was struggling with something and spent three hours teaching her. Showing her techniques, downloading stuff etc. Now she is always polite but yesterday I felt there was a bit of a breakthrough after 9 years.

This morning they got up and said that I would take them to the place we went to at the weekend. Stepdaughter was again very polite, told me that I was very sweet but she was going out with her Grandmother and aunt- DH’s mum and sister.

They rock up, aunt comes to door, stepdaughter gets in back of car and off they shoot, I said I would have to ask DH as I was meant to be looking after her. SiL laughed and said she was 14 and they would actually be back before DH anyway.

My daughter now on her own in tears. I can’t get through to DH. I am fuming. Daughter then refused to go out for lunch. Sitting there using the app that stepdaughter showed her.

'Her father doesn’t have a problem with daughter making plans independently of him, so why would she feel the need to run them past OP?'

Exactly this. She's 14 not 4 and going with close relatives, not random strangers.

OP has unrealistic expectations of 'blended' family dynamics.

stepdaughter is 14. Op came into her life before she was 5 years old. Her own daughter was younger than 4 years old
step daughters grandmother and aunt, are also ops daughters step grandmother and step aunt. But she was not invited on the day out. Even though, this is also her family and has been for longer than 9 years. Presuming op and husband did not marry at first sight…
therefore it’s likely in fact that step daughters grandmother and was in fact 3 and ops daughter was in fact 2 when op and husband met and blended their families. When husbands mother and sister should have embraced ops daughter as part of their family. But 11 years later, and they are excluding her.

@saffy2 OP has said on this thread she and her dh have been married 7 yrs 4 months and in laws first met her dd on Boxing day 2016, but don't let what the OP has written get in the way of your imagination

Fortunately for her stepdaughter though, OP isn’t getting what she wants.

A blended family just means a family group consisting of a couple and a child/children from previous relationship(s). It doesn’t define how they must operate any more than nuclear family does.

Ops second post on this thread says this…

Tinogirl · Yesterday 12:50
A new girlfriend? We have been married for nearly nine years!

We are making the exact same point aren't we?

I said it was unfortunate for OP, because I think going into it, this idyll of 'blended' was what she thought she was getting. That's unfortunate for her.

And if you see my previous point I was clear that the children shouldn't be caught in this emotional crossfire - either of them for that matter.

OP, do you love in your dh's home? Is he the main earner or do you both work and contribute equally? Clearly your dd lives with you, what's your dh like as her step father? Is he involved? It must be incredibly strange for the step daughter in this to see less of her own dad than OP's dd.

I feel sorry for the girls in this mostly because OP seems a bit obsessed. Is it possible in laws think Op is a gold digger? Is your dh rich @Tinogirl ?🙂

live

Ah, my apologies. I misunderstood you.

No worries at all, thanks for clarifying.

How’s it ruined , that was then this is now ? It sounds great how much your step daughter helped your daughter. You’re blessed how well they get on. You are gonna cause unnecessary problems. Why didn’t you take your daughter out?

This. Sorry OP you're being ridiculous and that is now reflecting on how your daughter behaves.

I think the only issue here iis they should have checked with you. What if you had made plans?

I don't get also why one day out will ruin your DD and your step dd's relationship? They've had 9 years to 'bond'!

New wife?? They’ve been married 9 years. Stop being deliberately insulting

I really think you need to accept the specific circumstances here OP. Your step daughter and her maternal family have a vastly different way of living, they are very different people. On paper it’s easy say that a step child should be included some of the time but this is not a blended family. The only thing the step daughter has in common with you is her dad, and his choices were his, not hers. Your family would do it differently, but that’s you. There’s just no common ground here OP and the sooner you accept that, the better for your daughter’s sake. Your daughter is never going to have a slice of her step sister’s life

It always is. Drama lama mummies raise drama lama babies.

I think the only issue here is they should have checked with you. What if you had made plans? I* *don’t think they wanted to let OP have a say as she probably owed have complicated a simple outing.

What I don't get is why step daughter stayed with OP? It might have been better for her to stay with aunty.

This is the challenge of blended families though. In an ideal world, everyone would have 100% emotional intelligence and we'd all be treated equally and perfectly.

But in the real world, people do these things unconsciously, often with no intention to hurt. Perhaps they have known her for longer etc.

In reality expectations are the mother of resentment. Once these gripes gain hold, they start to grate, and relationships suffer. Even though its hard, the best thing is to not take it the wrong way. And just try to take people as they are, warts and all. Accept them, be comfortable with their choices, don't pick up grievances, and be generally as warm, positive and friendly and interested as possible.

The best way to kill a relationship of any sort is to be grudgy, grumpy and irritating.

She was staying with her Dad (and his wife, OP) but he had to work so she accepted an offer from her aunt to go out.

To me the problem isn’t that they left your daughter out of it, it’s that you were unaware of last minute arrangements that meant your arrangements were thrown out. Tell them they need to liaise with you about such arrangements when you are doing the caring. Also ask them to sometimes include your daughter (offer to pay for tickets/food if that could be an issue) as it helps the girls bond. I know that some families don’t have an empathetic bone in their body, but if they’re reasonable people then hopefully they’ll understand where you’re coming from

Check Reddit for all the stories from kids who have been forced to "bond" with step-siblings. You won't like the outcomes. You can't make them bond. If they want to they will and, tbf, they seem to be managing fine without your interference.

I think it's very clear what the issue is OP and I'm sorry your husband's family are so cruel. I wouldn't stand for it in my house. We have a blended family and ALL CHILDREN ARE TREATED EQUALLY, that is a non negotiable. Your kiddos have been sisters for 9 years, which means his family have known your little girl since she was 3? 4? How could they not treat her like one of the family? It's awful and if it were me I would be having words with husband and his sister/mum etc.
Your married, they are sisters and your little girl should feel part of the whole family. I have 2 step sons who met my mum when they were 9 and 15 and she treats them exactly the same as her birth grand children, always has.
That's how it should be ❤️ most people on here spout from a complete place of ignorance, you are in the right here and it sounds like this is a continuous issue of exclusion.

You are weird there is nothing wrong here, you sound a little unhinged. Teach your child resilience.

having words? You can’t change people! Do you honestly think ‘having words’ will change how these people behave after nine years.

you can’t define other peoples family for them. For whatever reason, these people are not willing to accept OP and her daughter into their family.

OP needs to start protecting her daughter rather than picking at an open sore.

nine years of living in this situation and bitterly complaining about it! What an awful example to her daughter about self worth. You should have to beg people to accept you.

@Allypallypea they are not sisters. They don't live together and don't willingly spend time together. They are step sisters at best.

The 14 year old sees her father away from the OP's home most of the time. She has no interest in bonding with the daughter of her dad's wife.

She's been invited out by her grandmother and aunt. They aren't OP's daughter's relatives and they have demonstrated repeatedly that they aren't interested in pretending they are.

I dont think you've understood that none of the people concerned care enough about what OP thinks for 'having words' to achieve anything, other than further marginalising her.