In-laws have taken step-daughter out

[Tinogirl]

I have posted on here before…always the same story. . My husband and I each have a daughter- a year and a half separates them.

He was not in a relationship with her mother and is completely central to his and his family’s lives. I get that and it is how it should be but while they are all polite to my daughter they have never really embraced her,

Well this week my husband and child’s mother were both working and mother-in-law was away so stepdaughter was staying with us.

This rarely happens and we had a good weekend and yesterday Stepdaughter found out that daughter was struggling with something and spent three hours teaching her. Showing her techniques, downloading stuff etc. Now she is always polite but yesterday I felt there was a bit of a breakthrough after 9 years.

This morning they got up and said that I would take them to the place we went to at the weekend. Stepdaughter was again very polite, told me that I was very sweet but she was going out with her Grandmother and aunt- DH’s mum and sister.

They rock up, aunt comes to door, stepdaughter gets in back of car and off they shoot, I said I would have to ask DH as I was meant to be looking after her. SiL laughed and said she was 14 and they would actually be back before DH anyway.

My daughter now on her own in tears. I can’t get through to DH. I am fuming. Daughter then refused to go out for lunch. Sitting there using the app that stepdaughter showed her.

Exactly, if this is a communication issue it's on both sides.

And given the backstory here, there's one very good potential reason why DSD might have chosen not to say anything in advance. It could just be forgetful teen of course, but the odds of DSD not having noticed OPs clear problem with her and her own family prioritising each other seem remote.

I think this is sensible advice.

I think in this situation I would be upset that in-laws had made plans with stepdaughter but no one communicated those to you. You had mentally made plans to do something with her and when you told her, that's when she said she already had plans. It implies that you should never make plans with her, a sort of "don't call me, I'll call you" that comes off as dismissive, condescending, and, actually, quite rude. Also, you're her caregiver while your husband is out of town, and yet you have no authority nor even knowledge of her schedule until she bothers to tell you. You are used as a babysitter (even if she's 14, she's not an independent adult: someone has to cook her meals, wash her clothes, and make sure she's safe at night) but not even being given the respect due to a sitter, let alone a stepparent and family member. You are treated as merely a housemate.

Like other posters, I've also had a look at some of your other threads OP. What a sad situation, so laden with all kinds of emotion.

A lot of your focus seems to be on the choices and actions of your SD and your DH's family. They are constantly disappointing you (and, by extension, your daughter). That surely cannot go on?

Your DHs extended family don't come across as particularly open or inclusive towards you. Or considerate even. (Especially given that they've been in your DD's life since she was really very little.)

But you also paint a picture of a warm, connected, wealthy and sociable family, who clearly enjoy spending time together.

It must really hurt to be on the outside of that but close and looking in.

Your own family seems more distant, though perhaps that's not fair?

For your own sake, and your daughter's, I think you need to really address this, rather than letting this dynamic continue any longer.

What can you do? Speak to your DH? Speak to the extended family on his side? Ask, directly and openly, to be included more, or for your daughter to be included more? Maybe that's not possible. Maybe they don't want that.

If not, then you really need to do what you can to face up to the situation. Try not to focus on them quite so much. Accept that you are not considered part of that family. Have an open conversation with your DD. Life can be really tough and unfair sometimes. But you two have each other, that's lovely. I think it's really important that you cultivate your connection, see it as something irreplacably valuable and precious.

Maybe even consider therapy? There's such a lot to unpick here, fear, hope, rejection... Good luck, OP, I really hope you find a new way to deal with this.

You state that you have been married for 9 years, so the 2 girls know each order. Sounds like you’re using concern over them ‘bonding’ as an excuse to control things.

The 14 year old is old enough to decide in a day out with her relatives .

Why didn't you say ' Oh what a shame you didn't let me know in advance. The girls and I have plans together today. Thanks for stopping by, anyway. Bye!'

🎼It's all about you, it's all about you babyyyyy 🎤

I think you should frame it to your DD that it’s a good thing that DSD has gone out for a few hours. You get the afternoon together. You could make the most of some quality time together.

And you could also explain that DSD can’t be in the house all the time but she will be back.

I think the family were probably laughing incredulously at the OP for saying she would have to get permission from DSD's dad to let her go out with her own family while she is 'looking after' her, when the DSD in question is 14 years old rather than four. I think I might laugh in surprise if someone talked about a 14-year-old as if she were a small child like that, and at the idea of the OP needing your husband's permission to agree to his daughter having a day out with his mum and sister.

You're being completely unreasonable. It was nice she spent time with your daughter yesterday but as your SIL said she's a teenager, perfectly capable of deciding to go out with her aunt ffs, what's your issue here?

I would try not to show your anger to the mil and sil, try and come across as completely indifferent. I think they are getting some pleasure from annoying you with this situation.

It's not clear what you are annoyed about?

Is it because you were supposed to be looking after her ( loosely as she's 14 ) and your in laws swooped in, without telling you and took her off OR that your in laws took your SD but not your DD out together?

or both?

You have been with your husband for 9 years, and in all that time your daughter and step-daughter have never particularly bonded. Unfortunately, no matter how disappointing that may be, you can't force two children to bond, and have a 'sisterly' relationship. Clearly your step-daughter doesn't dislike your daughter, otherwise she wouldn't have spent 3 hours helping her. However, your step-daughter spends at least half of her time, living with her Mum, so therefore isn't there to 'bond' with your daughter. I presume your daughter spends time with her Dad, so she's may be not always with you either. You need to accept that the girls aren't going to have the type of relationship you envisaged. They haven't yet, and probably never will. Fixating on this desired 'sisterly' relationship, is not healthy, and is not going to be reality. Your MIL and SIL haven't done anything wrong, and neither has your step-daughter. It may be your daughter wants more of a relationship with your step-daughter, and your step-daughter isn't particularly bothered. Again, it's not because she dislikes your daughter, but that she's rather indifferent.

Looking back, it seems that your plan for today was to do something you already did at the weekend. So fair enough for SD to want to do something different.

It’s also not your step daughter or her families fault that your daughter’s father doesn’t bother with her.

Because it’s not OPs place to veto SDs plans with her own family.

SD had her own plans for today, she’s 14. It sounds like OP sees her as much younger though.

Spanador we have been married 7 years and 4 months, nearly 8? In-laws. have known my daughter since Boxing Day 2016. Long enough not to treat her equally but with respect.

Step-daughter was woken by the ping of her mobile this morning by her aunt’s message asking her to go out.

I would not have left a similarly aged child out.

My daughter has loads of family and friends who love her but was looking forward to a day with her step-sister.

I’m going to be hung out here, but well here goes.

why didn’t the MIL or DH or anyone let OP know there were plans. I don’t see how it’s ok to just rock up and say it’s all arranged ect. Yes OP should have perhaps asked SD if she had any plans, lesson learnt ask in future,

as for her DD well I would have just done something the two of us in her position. As a MIL I would not have taken the one child without asking if the other would like to come too. Yes I do have DSC and DSGC they are all the same in my book.

And yet she's still behaving like one

Based on the back story, it sounds like you would be wise to make yourself and your DD less available when DSD is visiting. Less pressure for everyone.

But even without DSDs family having got their invitation in first, you had no guarantee that she was going to be up for spending a day with your daughter. She might just as easily have wanted to have a day quietly reading or some other solitary pursuit. DSD isn't an object there to entertain other family members.

And??? Surely as a 12 year old she understands that her older (step) sister has relatives and a life that is separate to hers and so will sometimes be doing different things?! Why can't the OP just tell her that Dsis is going out with her grandma and aunty and will be back later?! Why all the dramatics?!

My daughter now on her own in tears. I can’t get through to DH. I am fuming. Daughter then refused to go out for lunch. Sitting there using the app that stepdaughter showed her.

Sorry but this is absolutely ludicrous 😂All of it. From your DD crying, to you trying to contact your DH (about what?!). To your DD sat forlornly looking at the app your DSD downloaded for her😆Also your DD isn't "on her own" is she? Because you're with her.

Can you do the day out you were planning another day?

I would ask DH to mediate and for you to be aware of when SD won't be in and will be out with her family. I don't think it is fair for SD to be caught in the middle like this. I don't think it is wrong her family want to see her, but you need to know which days in advance so you can also plan days too.

Ok well do your family take out stepdaughter when ever they see your daughter or give stepdaughter the same amount of presents/money etc?

the bottom line is that you can’t force people to feel the same about someone as you do.

she is your daughter and you love her. To your husband’s family she is just the daughter of the woman their son/brother married.

Your step daughter is 14 and is old enough to make plans with her family without having to consult you.

You’re holding on to alot of resentment and negative feelings towards her which are unwarranted. You need to work through this.

Every year husband’s niece is in a pantomime and SiL buys tickets for DH and stepdaughter and the rest of the family but not me and my daughter. They then go to a Greek restaurant.

I am fed up of the exclusion so this year I am going to book tickets and a table at the restaurant for me and DD.

Jesus I have just read this other thread by OP.

Your poor DD (and DSD) is all I can say.

How embarrassing.