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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

angry husband on holiday, what to do for the next week

244 replies

Staringsun · 05/08/2025 12:25

I am on holiday with my husband. We’ve had some pretty bad arguments in the past, but this time has been awful.

I was wearing a local custom headscarf (which is not needed, but done so out of respect) and he said I was wearing it incorrectly and I didn’t need to wear it at all. I said I just liked it, and he came over to me and pulled it off my head. People around us looked at me and I said later on that I found it embarrassing and to never do it again. the rest of the day he was nit picking things like I didn’t know where I was going (neither did he), he said I have shit taste in food, that I make everything seem dirty (he was going through my makeup bag)

On the way back to the hotel, I was crying and trying hard to hide it by wearing sunglasses, when we got back he said “you’re always crying it’s just not normal”, and “I’ve never experienced anything like this”.

It escalated because I was being “quiet” with him, he said “don’t make me angry” and I stupidly goaded him and said “why not? What happens when you’re angry?” And he flipped the laptop which was on the desk over in my direction.

He then packed all our stuff, and said we’re going to another hotel where you feel more comfortable. All this whilst hysterically crying.

I said I didn’t want to go to another hotel I just wanted to sleep, and he went to bed. He woke up very sad and then just said “sorry for shouting”

I don’t know what to do. He has been ok for the last couple of days, but it just feels strange now. He’s not acted like this before?

OP posts:
istheresomethingishouldsay · 11/08/2025 11:00

It looks like he's actively trying to piss you off so you dump him so you can be the bad guy.

Fly home tomorrow. I wouldn't even tell him you've left. Pack your things when he's out of the room and just go.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 11/08/2025 11:01

He received a large bill from work (self employed) which has cleared his current account so it’s on me to pay for everything at the moment.

That's a bit suspicious. Could he be running down your money on purpose?

Whyx · 11/08/2025 11:02

Go out by yourself and enjoy your last few hours there. Don't say anything to him about leaving. Just leave. Gives you time at home to get things sorted for kicking him out/finding your own place. Do you have a plan for when you get back?

I am so sorry you are suffering his abuse right now. The degrading way he speaks to you, making you pay for everything due to his poor planning (or more likely, imo, lie about having no money) and the pillow thing are all abusive. Absolutely sickening.

jenny38 · 11/08/2025 11:05

One more day to get through op. I wouldn't tell him until the last minute, to prevent things escalating further.

fluffythecat1 · 11/08/2025 11:08

A work friend had a similarly controlling and coercive husband. Their relationship became very full on very quickly as he ‘love bombed’ her and they married within two years of meeting. It think many abusive men use this technique to disorientate women and then gas light them to imply many of the situations that cause arguments are ‘their’ fault. It is good that you are recognising him for what he is.

fluffythecat1 · 11/08/2025 11:08

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 11/08/2025 11:01

He received a large bill from work (self employed) which has cleared his current account so it’s on me to pay for everything at the moment.

That's a bit suspicious. Could he be running down your money on purpose?

Agreed, look to limit his access to shared bank accounts etc. when you return home.

noctilucentcloud · 11/08/2025 11:10

If you haven't already, I'd get your passport safe. I'd also not tell him I was flying home early until after I'd left (maybe not until I was on the plane or had left if it's a country where he can stop you leaving). If you can't pack safely / without him knowing, then go with the minimum - your purse, passport and any medication you need.

Whyx · 11/08/2025 11:13

noctilucentcloud · 11/08/2025 11:10

If you haven't already, I'd get your passport safe. I'd also not tell him I was flying home early until after I'd left (maybe not until I was on the plane or had left if it's a country where he can stop you leaving). If you can't pack safely / without him knowing, then go with the minimum - your purse, passport and any medication you need.

Absolutely this. Don't think that "oh, he'd never...xyz" he could and he might. Be really savvy here.

LittleBitofBread · 11/08/2025 11:29

Everyone's basically already said this, but he's a straight-up cunt.
Get your ducks in a row when you get home and leave him.
In the meantime, though, let him spend the day sitting around if he likes, but get yourself out and do something nice for yourself.

JFDIYOLO · 11/08/2025 11:43

Another physically aggressive flare. This will escalate. He's checked out.

You're doing exactly the right thing.

Be very careful. Ensure your passport, cash, cards, keys, phone and any jewellery are absolutely safe. They are the only things that matter. You can buy new stuff when you are safely home, and being seen packing could be a flashpoint. Maybe wise to leave clothes and toiletries and books lying about the room.

Do you have an exit strategy? How will you be doing your leaving? Will it involve slipping out, getting a taxi, popping to the loo and not coming back? Do you have plan B?

Have a safe flight and let your family & friends know you're coming home and why. Best have someone come to you because he will sooner or later return home.

Act quickly and gather all the financial stuff etc.

I do think you should tell him when you're safely in the air - you don't want to cause a missing person emergency there.

Can you go and stay with someone?

Professional advice is needed now.

All the best.

Staringsun · 11/08/2025 11:49

The bill is genuine, but again, a pattern. Hes terrible with money - he has spent £700 on souvenirs, food and gaming since we landed here. Now he can’t afford anything at all. he does this at home too, buys himself stuff and then falls to me to buy the basics.

I have my passport. I’ve not told anyone because I’m so embarrassed. I thought this trip was going to be just what we needed - I have a stressful job and wanted to just relax the whole time.

As stupid as it sounds the pillow thing and the headscarf thing have really upset me. It’s so full of contempt and anger. I don’t understand what I’ve done so wrong to deserve treatment like that.

I will confide in my friend when I’m home but I just feel on edge, I can’t see him any other way than an angry man after the headscarf incident. I don’t even want to be near him, I’ve told him to game today and I’ll be going out on my own.

OP posts:
AmaryllisNightAndDay · 11/08/2025 11:58

Please be very careful. What you are describing is a man who is both voltaile and abusive. Indulging himself by spending while depriving you of basics is not just "bad with money" it's actually financial abuse."Angry man" is exactly who he is. You haven't done anything wrong or anything to deserve the way he behaves, it is all inside him. His behaviour may be "stupid" but there is nothing stupid about your responses to it. You are wise to feel on edge.

Take care and stay safe. Don't tell anyone before you leave. If it gets back to him then he is very likely to try to stop you and/or have a rage attack.

jannier · 11/08/2025 12:00

Staringsun · 11/08/2025 10:53

I fly home tomorrow. I haven’t told him yet. I am devastated by this holiday. Absolutely devastated.

Things have mostly been the same. The last two nights he has pulled the pillow from under my head early in the morning when I’ve been asleep. The first time I ended up crying (I was shocked) and last night I just turned over and went to bed.

He has continued to be critical. I’ve planned a few things for us to do, but he has criticised when I’ve picked a slightly different location to what he wanted (I booked us a taxi when he was gaming and it was to the wrong place - he said “you need to wait for me to finish my game because you can’t book things properly apparently”)

He is sullen and moody. He received a large bill from work (self employed) which has cleared his current account so it’s on me to pay for everything at the moment. I’ve asked him what he would like to do, if anything. He said “I follow instructions, I don’t care”. So it looks like another day sitting around.

I wouldn't pay for anything just basic food he's using your money deliberately

jannier · 11/08/2025 12:03

Staringsun · 11/08/2025 11:49

The bill is genuine, but again, a pattern. Hes terrible with money - he has spent £700 on souvenirs, food and gaming since we landed here. Now he can’t afford anything at all. he does this at home too, buys himself stuff and then falls to me to buy the basics.

I have my passport. I’ve not told anyone because I’m so embarrassed. I thought this trip was going to be just what we needed - I have a stressful job and wanted to just relax the whole time.

As stupid as it sounds the pillow thing and the headscarf thing have really upset me. It’s so full of contempt and anger. I don’t understand what I’ve done so wrong to deserve treatment like that.

I will confide in my friend when I’m home but I just feel on edge, I can’t see him any other way than an angry man after the headscarf incident. I don’t even want to be near him, I’ve told him to game today and I’ll be going out on my own.

He's not an angry man he's an abusive sadistic bastard who would start to get violent. He enjoys your tears and his control.
Good luck

TheSandgroper · 11/08/2025 12:14

He’s not terrible with money at all. He has you all worked out to make himself very comfortable life.

Please heed the warnings in here and do not advertise your leaving. If you have to pack a bag the evening before while he is out and leave it with reception, do.

To him, you are less than nothing. I don’t know your religion or his religion but by removing your scarf in the street, he is showing the world he thinks you have no honour and therefore are not worthy of his care.

You are not safe and Mumsnetters are scared for you.

skyeisthelimit · 11/08/2025 12:15

This is awful to read OP. He is abusive and he is a leech. Well done on leaving earlier.

I think you can see that your marriage is over. You cannot remain married to an abusive man. He is showing you the person that he really, or maybe you just haven't seen it before. He is disrespectful, aggressive, and clearly needs help/therapy of some sort.

Please keep yourself save, and walk away from this as quickly as you can

Whyx · 11/08/2025 13:02

He's chosen his actions with the pillow and headscarf exactly because of how they sound when explained out loud. He is counting on you looking at these instances individually or mentioning them to people and them seeming so small and insignificant. But they aren't. They are very serious ways of making you feel uncomfortable and unsafe physically and mentally. They are not stupid, they are serious.

You are doing the right thing by leaving.

Campingisnexttogodliness · 11/08/2025 13:50

He sounds like my exh
Exh.. He ruined my 40th birthday with his gaming.
He was an exh before I turned 41..
No more sullen man child.
Oh the relief.
Which is what you will feel when you get rid of him entirely.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 11/08/2025 14:43

Stay safe OP. I hope your flight home goes smoothly and that you will soon be in your home country near friends and feeling safer than you do now. Lots of good advice on this thread.

Serpentstooth · 11/08/2025 16:18

Sort your money out OP, he would empty any shared accounts just to spite you. Do it first. Let him wade home. Good luck.

Mugsey62 · 11/08/2025 16:22

Stay strong. You have a lot of support in here.

RampantIvy · 11/08/2025 17:19

jannier · 11/08/2025 12:03

He's not an angry man he's an abusive sadistic bastard who would start to get violent. He enjoys your tears and his control.
Good luck

He's not an angry man he's an abusive sadistic bastard who would start to get violent

This ^^

Stay safe

Staringsun · 11/08/2025 17:32

I have asked what his problem is, as he’s moping around the villa all day. He said it’s me who is moping, and I’m controlling and jealous. I should be more supportive as he’s going through a lot of stress at work and doesn’t have any money.

OP posts:
OriginalUsername2 · 11/08/2025 17:39

Don’t poke the bear.

jannier · 11/08/2025 18:00

Staringsun · 11/08/2025 17:32

I have asked what his problem is, as he’s moping around the villa all day. He said it’s me who is moping, and I’m controlling and jealous. I should be more supportive as he’s going through a lot of stress at work and doesn’t have any money.

Really don't ask, he's not going to get better or suddenly change they always turn it on their victim just think one more day.