angry husband on holiday, what to do for the next week

[Staringsun]

I am on holiday with my husband. We’ve had some pretty bad arguments in the past, but this time has been awful.

I was wearing a local custom headscarf (which is not needed, but done so out of respect) and he said I was wearing it incorrectly and I didn’t need to wear it at all. I said I just liked it, and he came over to me and pulled it off my head. People around us looked at me and I said later on that I found it embarrassing and to never do it again. the rest of the day he was nit picking things like I didn’t know where I was going (neither did he), he said I have shit taste in food, that I make everything seem dirty (he was going through my makeup bag)

On the way back to the hotel, I was crying and trying hard to hide it by wearing sunglasses, when we got back he said “you’re always crying it’s just not normal”, and “I’ve never experienced anything like this”.

It escalated because I was being “quiet” with him, he said “don’t make me angry” and I stupidly goaded him and said “why not? What happens when you’re angry?” And he flipped the laptop which was on the desk over in my direction.

He then packed all our stuff, and said we’re going to another hotel where you feel more comfortable. All this whilst hysterically crying.

I said I didn’t want to go to another hotel I just wanted to sleep, and he went to bed. He woke up very sad and then just said “sorry for shouting”

I don’t know what to do. He has been ok for the last couple of days, but it just feels strange now. He’s not acted like this before?

"On the way back to the hotel, I was crying and trying hard to hide it by wearing sunglasses, when we got back he said “you’re always crying it’s just not normal”, and “I’ve never experienced anything like this”."
You were crying because of his behaviour towards you. It's not normal to always be crying, because it's not norma to always be in a situation that makes you cry. If he is always the cause of your crying it is him who is not normal.

"he is usually critical, he said I am bad at taking criticism. I said to him “I don’t think you like me much” before this all kicked off. He said I was being ridiculous."
No, you were not being ridiculous, you put your finger right on the root of the problem .

"he has said in arguments before not to talk to him before he can calm himself down."
That was not 'advice', that was a warning. Having said that to you he will now feel entitled to escalate his behaviour and blame you for it with 'I told you not to talk to me!' .

"we have only been married for a year"
And yet in that year you and he have had "some pretty bad arguments". And "it is usually like this yes, but this is massive in comparison to the “norm”. So his behaviour is escalating, and in a very short time-frame.

When you get home, start taking steps to end the marriage. Emotionally it has already ended, but you need to end it legally and divorce him. This man is unsafe to be with. He has anger issues, and takes no steps to control himself. He is escalating.

Divorce, divorce, divorce. Be grateful he's shown his hand so soon, because this saves you from years of wasting your life with a man who truly does not like you (maybe doesn't like any women). Try to regard it as a brief departure from your normal life, a life that you will return to once you have ditched this absolute tosspot of a man. Don't waste any more of your life on him - he will not improve, he will only get worse.

OP your husband isn't a nice man. There are no excuses for his behaviour as you describe.
Am shocked by posters suggesting a need for compassion and understanding for him. Quite frankly screw that.
Imagine this man's behaviour when there are children involved. OP get the hell out of this relationship. It isn't normal, it isn't OK, no apologies from him make any difference. He isn't sorry, he continues to be nasty, controlling and unpleasant.
Life is fleetingly short and precious. It is not to be squandered on abusive assholes.

He's a cunt

Literally the FIRST THOUGHT I had!!

"Boiling frog syndrome" is a metaphor describing the inability to react to gradual, negative changes. It illustrates how people can become desensitized to escalating problems, failing to recognize the severity until it's too late, much like a frog slowly boiled alive in a pot. This syndrome highlights the dangers of adaptation without reflection and can lead to significant negative consequences in various aspects of life, from personal relationships to business and even global issues.

OP, he's trying to control you - I think if you look back to before the holiday there will have been other incidents that you'll have noticed in your day-to-day life. It's probably more obvious being away from your norm, where you are together for extended periods, just you and him without home distractions, other rooms to go to if you (possibly unconsciously) think things are escalating. It won't get better. I'm sorry, it just won't - this is the start. You could try marriage counselling but with a marriage of only one year and the fact he's actually put hands on you (in pulling off your scarf) I - as a bystander - can't see the point. I'm sorry. Please put yourself first, keep yourself safe until you get home - keep your passport to hand at all times.

I think this man has Paranoia and Mental Health issues.
Insist that he gets help and if he doesn't change pretty quickly, leave and find another husband.
Do not have children with him.
Why are you holidaying at a place that has little comfort?

A year?

Oh OP. End this marriage with this awful, poisonous, abusive and controlling man. He is complete garbage. Truly. None of this is normal.

Run run as fast as you can....

She said no ‘shared DC’ which I took to mean one of them at least has their own. Thats why the PP asked if the dad of her children (if she has them) could take them for a while until she gets out of this abusive home.

Affair was my first thought. Growing cold, critical and scornful is a classic symptom of drawing away.

Or it may be something underneath - he's lost his job, he's heavily in debt, he's being threatened, even health anxiety - and he is losing it, failing to share, discuss and deal with it like an adult.

Or there may be something wrong - a mental or physical health disorder is warping his mind and his behaviour.

But whatever lies beneath, the violence and aggression - directing it at objects, damaging your things - is escalating. It so often starts with things, then transfers to women and children.

You are in danger.

My advice? Get away. Get your passport and credit card, get to the airport or whatever applies, get a ticket home and go somewhere safe. Go to family, friends. Make sure they know what's happened.

Then communicate to him everything that he has done and how it made you feel - what you've described here is a great start - and inform him that you require him to seek help for whatever it is that he is hiding.

This will only get worse.

Oh OP. I have one exactly like this :( they don’t change, ever.

I hope you find the courage that I couldn’t 🩵

Nah. To quote (I forget who)
’He is not a cunt; he has neither the depth nor the warmth’

@Staringsun he's abusive but you already know that.

Think about it. Would you treat someone you love so badly? If yours was an arranged marriage, would you treat someone you even like and respect so badly?

The answer is no. So, if he doesn't love/like or respect you then why are you waiting around hoping he might one day change? Why do you deserve to be his emotional punching bag?

Cut your losses now before children come along and you end up trapped with him.

He isn't going to change anytime soon or ever.

You say it's too expensive to leave - but if you have access to that money, your best bet is to spend it on a ticket. Even if it's 'his' money, you're married so it's shared property. Because what he might do next is the true expense.

OP, do you actually have a credit card?

If you truly cannot do it, spend as much time with your friends as possible - the woman obviously, so he can't accuse you of favouring the bloke bla bla bla.

A thought - is he from the culture where you're staying? The presence of your friends might suggest that. I'm guessing middle east or north Africa from your headscarf/no drinking info.

Let us know how you are.

Was in an arranged marriage? Will it be culturally difficult for you to leave him? There is help out there. No one should put up with this.

And don’t get pregnant, whatever you do. Then you’ll be trapped, and tied to him forever.

Grow up, the pair of you!

He sounds controlling and you sound like you’ll end up being featured as a case on a true crime documentary

You dont share dc ? So you have children that he lives with?
Well that seems like a big mistake

What on earth do you mean OP needs to get him to a doctor? She is not responsible for him. Having a breakdown is not a free pass to abuse your wife. She needs to protect herself from him as her top priority.

Well he assaulted you, if you where somewhere strict or religious then pulling off a head covering it the same as pantsing you or pull of your boob tube/bikini top.

Just because hair is not private to him doesn't mean its not to other cultures and can get you in trouble with the law especially around religious buildings, temple, sacred spots where hair and/or shoulders must be covered. Many practicing religions/cultures have strict hair rules or clothing rules. (they also dont care if you fastened it 'wrong' if you where genuinely trying. If you want to learn many local shops/markets that sell headscarves the women working there will help and teach tourists to fasten them normally).

Agree with everyone who has said he's a risk to your safety - please get yourself home ASAP.

I'm so very sorry, OP.

He is abusive. It is unfortunately only likely to get worse.

The flipping back and forth is part of the abuse. He'll be lovely sometimes.

https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat

Yet.

You couldn't yet.

I'm sending you all of my best wishes.

Abusers are clever, charming, liars.

They trap you and trick you over a period of time. It starts with lovebombing, not abuse.

Leave now, asap. What do your friends think of him...honestly?

He will only get worse.
He has shown that under any stressor in his life you are his punch bag. Currently not literally but he has thrown things... It can and probably will escalate.

I don't know if you planned to have children or not. Having a baby is one of the biggest life adjustments. Stressful during a period of incredible vulnerability. Not to mention financial dependence. It is a recipe for disaster with a man like this. If kids were in your future please, please leave this man.

Nobody can make the decision to leave on your behalf, OP (and others in this position).

But we can certainly help if you make that decision. There are so many women on here who are able to help out. We can support, hold your hand, point you towards organisations that can help. Practical help, emotional support, legal advice.

There are tonnes of us. We're right here. No judgement. No shame. No pressure. It can seem impossible before you do it, but actually it can also be fairly simple when you make the decision. Just be aware that abusive men often become more aggressive/violent when you try to leave, so you need to consider how you will best do that. Women's Aid may be able to help, and/or women here can help.