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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

angry husband on holiday, what to do for the next week

244 replies

Staringsun · 05/08/2025 12:25

I am on holiday with my husband. We’ve had some pretty bad arguments in the past, but this time has been awful.

I was wearing a local custom headscarf (which is not needed, but done so out of respect) and he said I was wearing it incorrectly and I didn’t need to wear it at all. I said I just liked it, and he came over to me and pulled it off my head. People around us looked at me and I said later on that I found it embarrassing and to never do it again. the rest of the day he was nit picking things like I didn’t know where I was going (neither did he), he said I have shit taste in food, that I make everything seem dirty (he was going through my makeup bag)

On the way back to the hotel, I was crying and trying hard to hide it by wearing sunglasses, when we got back he said “you’re always crying it’s just not normal”, and “I’ve never experienced anything like this”.

It escalated because I was being “quiet” with him, he said “don’t make me angry” and I stupidly goaded him and said “why not? What happens when you’re angry?” And he flipped the laptop which was on the desk over in my direction.

He then packed all our stuff, and said we’re going to another hotel where you feel more comfortable. All this whilst hysterically crying.

I said I didn’t want to go to another hotel I just wanted to sleep, and he went to bed. He woke up very sad and then just said “sorry for shouting”

I don’t know what to do. He has been ok for the last couple of days, but it just feels strange now. He’s not acted like this before?

OP posts:
DopeyS · 06/08/2025 07:32

Horserider5678 · 06/08/2025 07:17

How about a bit of compassion! It sounds like he is having some sort of breakdown. OP needs to get him to the doctor as soon as they’re home! There maybe financial
usdues which he is too worried to tell OP about! But in true MN style he’s a vile individual and she needs to leave immediately! No one seems to look at the wider picture, yes she may end up leaving him but he clearly needs help!

Where's the compassion for the victim (OP). I don't understand this Mumsnet thing - well internet wide thing when some back story is invented to try and excuse how this person is acting. The OP has not said anything about financial troubles but now you're defending this man because theoretically it could be a breakdown. Should the OP just put up with being abused just in case it is?
Surely she would have said 'my DH is having a breakdown and lashing out'. From her posts this behaviour isn't new..he's just an arsehole.

MathsandStats · 06/08/2025 07:37

Horserider5678 · 06/08/2025 07:17

How about a bit of compassion! It sounds like he is having some sort of breakdown. OP needs to get him to the doctor as soon as they’re home! There maybe financial
usdues which he is too worried to tell OP about! But in true MN style he’s a vile individual and she needs to leave immediately! No one seems to look at the wider picture, yes she may end up leaving him but he clearly needs help!

None of this is an excuse for the type of behaviour the OP is suffering. Im sure many of us on here have DHs who have been through depression, financial worries and much of the above but who have never, ever, been treated in the terrible way the poor OP has. Mental health issues are NOT an excuse for abuse. The OP is describing abuse.

If he really was struggling to the point he can't help abusing the OP he should leave and sort his shit out, not put his wife at risk.

@Staringsun you have only been married a year. Leave this man before you end up with children and tied together for the rest of your lives. It won't get better and it's very likely to get worse. Move on. I promise you'll one day be so happy you did.

Mugsey62 · 06/08/2025 07:56

Doesn't sound the most respectful relationship. Might be worth looking into support groups for DA when you get back.

AmandaHoldensLips · 06/08/2025 07:59

You've only been married a year?
Clearly the marriage was a mistake.
What a nasty piece of work he is.

SpryCat · 06/08/2025 08:00

He’s deliberately picking on you, finding fault with everything you do, making out you’re flawed, upsetting you and deflecting the blame on you for being upset. His crocodile tears were purely put on to make him look the victim! He even blamed the hotel, it was apparently making you feel uncomfortable and argumentative, when the real reason you are upset, walking on eggshells around him is because he is a cunt.
He is coercing you not to react, drop the subject and accept his behaviour or else he will get angry, throw things at you because you didn’t let him cool down. He sees it as criticism, he refuses to acknowledge that he is the reason for your unhappiness. His behaviour will escalate because he is abusive, trying to control you through fear.
You are correct, he doesn’t like you nor does he love you, he wants to grind your self worth into dust because you are his victim. You are his emotional punch bag, please get away from him before his behaviour and actions erode further into violence.

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 06/08/2025 08:01

If he’s like this after a year, it will only get worse.
You married him, but it’s only been a year so it’s time to get yourself out of it.
He is abusive.

Notmyreality · 06/08/2025 08:07

What nationality is he?

SunnySideDeepDown · 06/08/2025 08:11

People were staring because they witnessed abuse, they were probably hoping you were ok.

You have children - leave him!!! Don’t let them witness that and you deserve better. You’re crying regularly because he’s bullying you, anyone would cry with him.

Get him out of your life, you’ll be a million times happier.

Busybeemumm · 06/08/2025 08:17

Your holiday really bought back memories of my honeymoon. There were red flags I chose to ignore before the wedding. This went on for another year or so then I had to leave. This will not get better, only worse. Contact Women's aid/ Refuge and make your exit plan. You deserve so much better. Also do the Freedom Programme.

Hotandbotheredaching · 06/08/2025 08:18

While MN tend to jump to divorce, in this case I completely agree. He’s shown awful behaviour, that’s controlling and I would bet if you stay he would hurt you.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 06/08/2025 08:18

Horserider5678 · 06/08/2025 07:17

How about a bit of compassion! It sounds like he is having some sort of breakdown. OP needs to get him to the doctor as soon as they’re home! There maybe financial
usdues which he is too worried to tell OP about! But in true MN style he’s a vile individual and she needs to leave immediately! No one seems to look at the wider picture, yes she may end up leaving him but he clearly needs help!

Why would you make excuses and think up reasons for a man so abusive?

OP I'm echoing the majority by saying make a plan to divorce him, it will get worse if not and you deserve better x

supersop60 · 06/08/2025 08:19

deathlydull · 06/08/2025 07:18

Dear God. Why did you marry this awful human being? OP he won’t make you happy. You need to leave him. I’m so sorry you’re in this situation.

@deathlydull dont do that ‘why did you’ crap.
Obviously he wasn’t like this before they married.
Otherwise I agree with you.
OP - life is too short, so don’t let this be your story.

PrinceYakimov · 06/08/2025 08:20

He doesn't like you. Wait til you're home then divorce him. You've only been in this for a year - you can get out now and enjoy the rest of your life instead of putting up with this forever.

Sue763 · 06/08/2025 08:29

This sounds like a very unhappy relationship, are there children caught up in the middle of this? Why would you want to stay? It sounds completely miserable.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 06/08/2025 08:30

Yes your husband has unusual anger issues and either he has not enough self control to deal with them or else he does not think he needs to control his rage attacks around you. Something is wrong with him. He is not taking responsibility for his own behaviour around you - he is blaming you for getting upset but it is his own behaviour that is abnormal and upsetting. He is having rage attacks over stupid things and then blaming you for being distressed by his rage. It is his rage that is disproportionate. The trouble is that you will never convince him of this. He probably seems very rational and reasonable and he can out-argue you? And when that doesn't work he will have another rage attack.

he is usually critical, he said I am bad at taking criticism.

What he means is that he should be able to criticise you to his heart's content and you should just take it. In his mind he is allowed to criticise you and you are supposed to accept it and do what he says. But you are not allowed to criticise him. If you criticise him then he will have a rage attack and either humiliate you or insult you and eventually it's likely that he will physically hurt you. The longer the relationship goes on the more dependent he will become and the more he will expect you to give way to him and the deeper and more dangerous his rage will become when you don't give way. That's no way to live.

My family is has a few people who are kind-of like that to some extent but they are nothing like as extreme as your DH. They wouldn't go as far as pulling off a scarf like that. I advise that you don't get pregnant and that you make steps to leave. But don't tell DH until you have a safe place to go because the fear of losing you is likely to make him very angry and very dangerous.

Zempy · 06/08/2025 08:36

Do not have children with this man. I would make plans to separate when you get home, and do it safely.

Driedupandleft · 06/08/2025 08:47

mauvaiseherbe · 05/08/2025 13:38

there is someone else he would rather be on holiday with so you may as well go home

This!!!!
With bells on......

Sahara123 · 06/08/2025 08:55

JMSA · 05/08/2025 20:07

OP, sorry to ask, but is it possible he’s having an affair?
When my ex-husband was, I couldn’t do anything right 😢
Anyway, not even he was as bad as your husband.
I hope you’re ok.

I was thinking this, when my dad was having an affair he became absolutely awful to the rest of the family, aggressive, critical, bad tempered. If not an affair then is he perhaps regretting the marriage? Neither of these are acceptable reasons obviously.
Or maybe he’s just a throughly nasty person.

YourWildAmberSloth · 06/08/2025 08:57

Do you have children OP? You say you don't have shared children, but do either of you have your own?

ChaliceinWonderland · 06/08/2025 08:57

Call womens aid as soon as you get to the
d uk. They will advice.

Busybeemumm · 06/08/2025 09:00

supersop60 · 06/08/2025 08:19

@deathlydull dont do that ‘why did you’ crap.
Obviously he wasn’t like this before they married.
Otherwise I agree with you.
OP - life is too short, so don’t let this be your story.

Completely agree with you @supersop60 it's another subtle way of blaming the OP for the abuse inflicted on her.

Bikergran · 06/08/2025 09:03

Are you mixed cultures? I get the feeling he might be "back home" and wanting you to behave in a totally submissive manner, or mocking or resenting your efforts to fit in. Either way, this behaviour is totally unacceptable. You say you're with another couple, did they see any of this? If not, stick to them like glue, perhaps he won't kick off in front of them. But I agree you need to get away from him, before this gets any worse.

Youdontseehow · 06/08/2025 09:03

Reading between the lines- is there a religious ideology underpinning this (no alcohol, walking on the right side) - is he laying out how a wife should be?

Either way, you are in an abusive marriage and I hope you find the strength and support to leave him 💐

Needapadlockonmyfridge · 06/08/2025 09:14

I am sorry, OP.
Your husband sounds completely awful.

I agree with suggestions to speak to Women's Aid and arrange to leave.

Ballardz · 06/08/2025 09:14

You’ve only been married a year? He’s going to get worse OP. If he’s like this after a year, it’s very feasible he will end up being violent.

Do you have a family member you can speak to? Someone who can support you in leaving him?