My parents... don't... care?!

[itsallabitmuchx]

I am an only child (28f) and moved out of my parents' tiny house about 6 months ago (I was completing a PHD for 3 years and had 0 money for rent so I lived with them for the duration of this time - paid rent with them but a little amount compared to market value rent).

Sine then, I literally haven't heard off them. At all. Any communication is instigated by me (I will call them) - they ask no questions beyond 'how's work?' and no follow up questions or responses when I reply, just a generic 'oh.. there we are then'. I only moved 20 minutes away and they haven't once come to see me where I am. They haven't even seen the house I have been living in and have no desire to. I've invited them for dinner / takeaway night here 4 times, and they've always declined. I've brought this up with my mum who's only response is 'wow.. you're so needy.. you're an adult... why do you want your parents?'.

Basically it seems they have completed washed their hands with me as in they feel I am old enough that they no longer need to care about me nor be involved in my life. They literally haven't a clue what I do with my time, who is in my life, what my likes dislikes are etc and hopes for the future.

This really gets to me. I have times where I feel I have accepted who they are (very hands off, pretty limited with their viewpoints etc and very stuck in their depressing ways - sit and watch mind numbing TV all day and night - you get me?). Then I suddenly get really upset and angry at it. Went to a BBQ on weekend where girl similar age talking baout how her mum has bene helping her find wedding venues etc and theyre all excited for her (as they should be)... these things are relaisisations I will never have that because my parents are just... shit. It makes me feel very lonely and isolated also (being an only child doesn't help with this either).

AIBU?!

A disappointed and rejected daughter :(

You have my sympathies OP, you won't be able to change them though, you will need to reach a place of acceptance about their capacities, however much that hurts.
I have a disinterested mother too. I'm usually the one to call but i have a lot of turmoil going on in my life atm and she hasn't called since May. There's just this emotional black hole. Luckily I have good friends who I can lean on for emotional support but it does affect me - tho not as much as it did in my 20s and 30s. I have DC and I love to know what is happening in their lives and emphasise that I'll always be there for them if they're going through difficult times.

Your assumptions are way off.
My dc are my/our pride and joy. They are also much better educated than their parents and grandparents. They got themselves degrees (and more) while working and one with significant health problems. They had Saturday jobs as teenagers and worked while at university. They are, I guess you might say, much more socially mobile and cultured than we are. There is not an atom of snobbery about them. No, we don't know every aspect of their lives, but we know what matters. We would like to see them more, but so would their partners and their partners' families. When they come here they don't say, as they could, 'Watching rubbish tv again? That carpet is 25 years old. Pity you didn't get yourself out of the low wage job.' They could, but they don't.
They are mature, lovely independent people. One of them younger than the OP. They would be ashamed to call us ' just shit' or sneer.
So, as youngest used to frequently remark, knicker-knockers to you. And your assumptions.

This isn’t about you. Sadly, it’s about them. You have done nothing wrong and however much you try, you won’t change this - don’t break yourself and waste your life trying to. This sounds exception callous but I’m speaking from similar experience a few decades down the line

You did a really nasty post with no actual feedback or credible insight, just pure spite and nastiness. Its nice to see that you can actually speak eloquently with something valid to say.
You let yourself down at first.

It's also great to hear you want to see your children more. This is the complete opposite of what OPs parents want so I would imagine that you can empathise with OP.

At no point did OP say that she has said anything to her parents about their TV, carpet or career choice, you've just made that up to try and make her sound bad.

It seems like you are annoyed at OP because she dared have a bad opinion of her parents but what if her parents are infact bad parents? What if they did do the bare minimum? It's pretty believable now that they don't want anything to do with her as soon as she's moved out.

You sound like a great mum who love your children and are proud of them, OPs parents don't sound anything like you so it would be valid for you to feel annoyed if your children had a bad opinion of you but in OPs case it sounds like a truthful and valid description of them.

Way off mark, @LaundrySpin . Did just fine academically and have a good career.
Mum's great. DC are great.

I don't have any resentment - I'm just stunned that someone could be so unkind about their mother.

Mother doesn't ask me about work other than 'How's work?' to which I usually reply (Busy/Quiet/...) then that's it, but it's not something she really understands or is interested in. My siblings have more 'relatable' jobs. We talk about all sorts of things. We don't agree about everything, but we're different people, and accept that, we don't disagree. It helps that Mum is far more chatty than I am.

Parent-wise, mine were brilliant, and are brilliant grandparents.

Fine if that works for you and your mum and you're both happy with it, but you must realise that such a minimum, hands-off level of contact and surface level relationship is very much not the norm for most good parent/child relationships?

Surely if you chat to friends or colleagues who get on with their parents and/or DC you know they speak to them more than once every few months.

Speaking to your parents more than 3 or 4 times a year is very much not considered stifling by most people. Again, if it works for you that's fine but you're judging OP against what objectively (unless you're incredibly obtuse) you must realise is not a normal or fair standard.

Sure.

What's wrong with them then?

100% agree. I honestly can't believe some of the cold vile comments on here. It gives me hope when I read comments like yours.

Her parents didn't do the bare minimum. The family income was one low minimum wage job brought in by her hard working dad. They had a tiny house. They shared it with her which enabled her to take a Ph.D to 'better herself' as she put it. That was entirely for her benefit and it's not the bare minimum. It's a lot.
I didn't say OP complained about the carpet. I said my DCs didn't, although they very well could. And many other things too, but they don't.
She did moan about their careers and education, you know she did.
She criticised their watching of:
'mind numbing tv'. She described them in these words: 'my dad, a factory worker earning min. wage and my mum, has never worked - no qualifications even at GCSE, no desire to get an entry level job).
my mum is lazy, apathetic, negative, miserable and resentful of the world.'

I can't imagine, with those views, she made home life easy. I bet it was really tense. I can't understand how she can describe them so bitterly and at such length and with no gratitude or understanding and then call herself, wallowing in self pity 'a disappointed and rejected daughter.'
It's ludicrous.
She's rejected them. She's grown out of their world. I don't believe they don't know what she thinks of them. They must be so hurt. And they must also be longing for her to find her feet and not need them anymore because coming back would be disastrous for all of them.
And you people encouraging such spite and self pity, how do you think that helps? If you had any sense you'd say, 'Give your parents a break. Take some space apart from each other. Accept that they are allowed to have values of their own. People don't have to be just like you to be worthy of respect and kindness.'
Conveying that she is a poor thing, to be pitied, is ridiculous. Someone said they'd adopt her if they could. I bet that would soon wear thin. OP needs to grow up. And find some humanity. And humility.

You’re right, they wouldn’t say those things to/about you, presumably because you have been a great mum interested in them and their lives. If OP hasn’t had this…ever…you might see how resentment can build?

You are rude and disparaging about your parents - yet you expected them to support you until your late 20s.
Not surprised they want a bit of distance.

You are incredible @itsallabitmuchx, to achieve a PHD in the circumstances you describe is an amazing accomplishment, I hope you know that.

You sound like a wonderful person and I’m sorry that you are feeling lonely as a result of this rejection by your parents.

We don’t get to choose our relatives… but we can choose our ‘family’. I’d surround myself with friends who love you and value you and expand my energy there. We don’t have to be blood related to find deep bonds with people who care for us… you could even consider something like a befriending service for older people who would absolutely love to have someone in their lives like you. I know it’s not the same… but I think if you focus on what you can never have, it will always bring you pain.
It might even be helpful to have some therapy working on how you find acceptance in this situation and processing the hurt and loneliness this causes you.
good luck.

How is their relationship? Did they have to get married - and is there a reason they only had one child? What are your DMs sisters like? How are they with their DCs and what was the aunts upbringing like?

Hear, hear.

Anyone with emotional intelligence (ie most people apart from the two triggered mums on here) can see that the OP felt neglected growing up. She had to beg her mum to collect her from school when needed etc. She grew up as a people-pleaser, probably desperate for some positive regard from her parents. Which never came. She has no siblings and her parents show no interest in her. It’s very sad and I don’t think cold parents like this ever change.

I'm just stunned that someone could be so unkind about their mother.

I’m stunned OP’s mother is so unkind to her daughter and I’m also stunned you could be so incredibly spiteful to a poster who is clearly upset.

Parent-wise, mine were brilliant, and are brilliant grandparents.

And the OP’s parents were not brilliant parents in her opinion so why would you expect her to say otherwise?

Her parents were cold and emotionally distant.

As a parent myself I can't imagine being like that. Are you cold with your children?

You are lacking in empathy.

@Kellywiththelegs , read OPs other threads.

Why can’t she think that? It’s probably true? I think I’m better than my mother - I don’t use my child as a surrogate partner or share inappropriate sexual detail with my child. I’m not emotionally enmeshed with my child. I dint think I’m superior to fat people or constantly pat myself on the back for standard stuff. I don’t leave my child at age 11 on her own in an insecure holiday apartment whilst I am at the bar at 11 at night so someone is able to break in and assault that child.

Now there are
reasons my mother was like that of course but it doesn’t alter the fact that I’ve had to do some serious work on myself to overcome what that childhood did to me.

Sorry op this really sucks . One day you will have a family of your own and hopefully will build a really strong bond

They must care a bit as they let you live at home for cheap rent so maybe take some comfort from that. However it's unlikely you will get the bond you want.

You need to live your life as though you don't have parents. Don't rely on them for any help and support as they seem incapable of providing it. They sound like people who should never have had children. You have a PhD, which you should be proud of. Concentrate on your career and building relationship with friends.

I assume that they don't expect you to provide them with care and support as they grow older. That should give you freedom to concentrate on your career and the family you make for yourself. If they do have the sheer temerity to think that you will provide them with care when they are elderly, just use their own words 'wow.. you're so needy.. you're an adult... why do you want your daughter?'.

How some Mumsnet posters love to dwell on the revenge of refusing to help their parents in their old age! You left out the bum wiping, that’s usually used in this context as a humiliating and dismissive emphasis. Of course, their mother presumably changed their nappies, even if they did fail to give them every single thing they ever wanted…..

In this case, I expect the very close extended family will step up, that’s certainly what happened in the case of a woman I knew who had several sisters and no children. That would be a disappointment for the ‘no contact’ brigade.

I think I will go and watch some mind numbing cat videos now.

Maybe…..just maybe….theres another side to this. We haven’t been able to hear her parents version of this scenario. Have we?