My parents... don't... care?!

[itsallabitmuchx]

I am an only child (28f) and moved out of my parents' tiny house about 6 months ago (I was completing a PHD for 3 years and had 0 money for rent so I lived with them for the duration of this time - paid rent with them but a little amount compared to market value rent).

Sine then, I literally haven't heard off them. At all. Any communication is instigated by me (I will call them) - they ask no questions beyond 'how's work?' and no follow up questions or responses when I reply, just a generic 'oh.. there we are then'. I only moved 20 minutes away and they haven't once come to see me where I am. They haven't even seen the house I have been living in and have no desire to. I've invited them for dinner / takeaway night here 4 times, and they've always declined. I've brought this up with my mum who's only response is 'wow.. you're so needy.. you're an adult... why do you want your parents?'.

Basically it seems they have completed washed their hands with me as in they feel I am old enough that they no longer need to care about me nor be involved in my life. They literally haven't a clue what I do with my time, who is in my life, what my likes dislikes are etc and hopes for the future.

This really gets to me. I have times where I feel I have accepted who they are (very hands off, pretty limited with their viewpoints etc and very stuck in their depressing ways - sit and watch mind numbing TV all day and night - you get me?). Then I suddenly get really upset and angry at it. Went to a BBQ on weekend where girl similar age talking baout how her mum has bene helping her find wedding venues etc and theyre all excited for her (as they should be)... these things are relaisisations I will never have that because my parents are just... shit. It makes me feel very lonely and isolated also (being an only child doesn't help with this either).

AIBU?!

A disappointed and rejected daughter :(

WTF, you nasty person. Absolutely no constructive feedback or insight, just you taking your bad mood out on a stranger. Try and be a better person and your life will improve.

@Carandache18 has this touched some sort of nerve for you? Your responses are so nasty. Take a look at yourself.

That's so horrible. It sounds like potentially they only had one as they didn't really want children. Some people are inherently selfish, which is fine if they don't have children, but they make awful parents.

@Tothink , How could somebody describe the one person who brought them into the world as
my mum is lazy, apathetic, negative, miserable and resentful of the world.?

@AntisocialMedium Someone can be all those things despite having had sex, got pregnant and subsequently birthed a child years ago. HTH.

Because maybe she is! You have been thoroughly vile throughout this tread with a seemingly hatred of the OP.
My mother was lazy and resentful, it's a complete fact, im not being nasty about, its a true description of her.
OP is trying to paint a picture of what her parents act like. If they aren't sunshine and roses what do you expect her to say??
You are really coming across similar to her mother in your relentless defence of her.

This sounds difficult and I am sorry you are going through it. I think you have had some very harsh replies here. I find that any mention of being an only child really rattles some Mumsnet posters. People who aren't in this kind of situation don't understand how lonely and isolating it can be to have no wider family to confide in either.

I was in my 20s when I eventually left permanently. I was in a similar position but my mother, especially, wanted me to stand on my own 2 feet and be less reliant. I was always welcome I might add but suddenly I realised my parents had their own lives and wanted some child free peace.

I can't believe how many posters are giving you a hard time, OP.

My DD in her 20s is still at home, and I want her to move out at some point, but for her own sake, so that she can make a life of her own. I can't imagine not bothering with her when she goes!

Agreed, Its mostly 2 posters AntisocialMedium and @Carandache18, I can only assume they don't care about their children and have dreamt of the day they moved out so they have nothing more to do with them.

I'm not defending her mother. I know nothing about the mother apart from what is in the OP's 2 posts, none of it complimentary.

So was mine until recently, and I would hate to lose her from my life, but she would never, ever talk about me like this person talks about her mum.

I'm so sorry OP. This is really hard and is going to take a while for you to come to terms with. Your second post illustrates that you do in fact have a clear view of your parents, and so I think you know they don't care, never really did and are unlikely to.

It's common on MN to talk about going 'no contact' but that's not an easy choice and there are ways to have a sort-of relationship with them that you can tolerate but probably you would benefit from some counselling first.

Several posters have commented on you having a protracted time as a student - but most caring parents would be incredibly proud that their DC had completed a PhD - it's a significant undertaking and far from being something parents would resent, as it meant you stayed at home longer, you would expect they would delighted for your achievement.

I can understand it being challenging for your parents if you had stayed at home till your late 20s, with no plan and no intention of moving out - but you had a clear plan, and once you got your PhD, you did move out and start a new chapter of your life.

Undoubtedly you will have rich and satisfying life; you are clearly someone with great drive and I hope a bright future awaits. Sadly, it's really unlikely your parents will give that love or develop an interest in the way you would wish; it might be possible in time to have an acceptable relationship with them, that you can tolerate, and in time, you may also have a degree of compassion for what does sound like a tough life for them.

You sound like a daughter that anyone would be proud to have - I know I would. ❤

You've been truly nasty about OP throughout. Most people are probably on here because they have had similar upbringing or because they can't fathom not wanting to have anything to do with your adult children. You have made nasty digs throughout.
OP was describing how her parents have acted which has obviously wound you up. I would definitely have to describe my mother the same, what would be so wrong about that? I'm not going to lie and say she 'did the best she could', she really didn't and it doesn't sound like OPs mother is doing the best she can...she literally wants nothing to do with her!

?????????????
What are you responding to, @Terrribletwos ? My admission that I don't speak as often or as freely to my son as I would like to? Not sure how you have managed to make such an eyeroll in relation to that. We speak and visit with some frequency. In fact I have just got off the phone to him now. It is just that I am constantly conscious of awful worries about his happiness, which make me feel stilted and unhappy while we speak. Because his older brother committed suicide. Not at all sure what point you are trying to make about this, but it seems extraordinarily hostile -- as so many other posts on this thread do. How did MN get to be such a cruel place?

Apologies if I have simply misunderstood your cryptic post.

This.

The most difficult thing is accepting that they are like this, coupled with accepting that nothing will change.

Once you stop trying to change them, and limit the emotional damage they can do to you, you can move forwards.

Although my mum is a fantastic mum, my dad was the total opposite. Abusive, only interested if we did something he could go bragging about and completely unconcerned and uncaring when anyone needed a parent. They are now divorced, so I don’t need to see him thankfully. It’s been a few years and it’s better nc.

OP was describing how her parents have acted which has obviously wound you up. Not wound me up, but I'm amazed that someone could say that about their own mother.

it doesn't sound like OPs mother is doing the best she can
Her parents provided a home for minimal 'rent' while she studied.
OP has now moved out and has her own life, and her parents might not want to go over for a takeaway evening. They probably do care but want her to have her own life.
wants nothing to do with her! Not true as far as I could tell.

My mum is similar. Can't do anything more than superficial chats. She's not interested in providing any kind of relationship. She didn't have a good relationship with her mum, so I think she doesn't know what a good dm dd relationship looks like. But it doesn't stop the hurt. My MIL however is wonderful so find yourself a surrogate (not the right word but you know what I mean).

The more you post, the more it seems that you have a chip on your shoulder about your own academic or professional achievements to date, and it makes me feel me feel a bit sad and curious about both the mothering you had and the mother you are, whatever you may subsequently write on here. Such spite and resentment doesn’t develop in a vacuum.

wants nothing to do with her! Not true as far as I could tell....

Hmm....

"Since then, I literally haven't heard off them. At all. Any communication is instigated by me (I will call them) - they ask no questions beyond 'how's work?' and no follow up questions or responses when I reply.
They haven't even seen the house I have been living in and have no desire to. I've invited them for dinner / takeaway night here 4 times, and they've always declined.

Did you read it?

Yeah, mother of the fucking year, maybe you should get her a medal.
Can you honestly say you wouldn't want to see your child's new house, that you would refuse every dinner invite? Im baffled why you keep trying to make OP to be the bad one, that is one shit mother right there!

I have grown up children. Both independent adults now, one with children of their own. I am glad that they are independent and no longer need me (except for childcare sometimes) as obviously I will not be here forever and need to know they will be OK when that time comes. But I hope they will always want to spend time with me because we are family and we care about each other. We don't live in each other's pockets but we keep in touch and see each other from time to time - I think that is pretty normal isn't it?

All the OP says about her mum around getting a job is - "my mum, has never worked - no qualifications even at GCSE, no desire to get an entry level job"

The world was a very different place nearly 30 years ago when op was born. Free childcare hours were only just starting and very limited. Perhaps it started with not wanting/or being able to afford to put OP as a young child into childcare. Then as her mum got older, needing to be around for before and afterschool again due to finances, after failing at education, she struggled with confidence, self esteem or even depression. The point is we don't know her mum or dads side of the choices they made/felt they had to make.

My mum never worked once she started her family, and as a teenager I resented that for many reasons, some similar to the OPs. We were never close. My point is, as an adult I can choose to hold onto childhood resentments or look at it through a different more mature lens, reflect and understand how it possibly over time could happen especially to women who had their children 30 years ago. I can feel sympathy now for the half a life she lived.

Can you concentrate on your dad? Maybe mum is jealous of your life, the one she never had?

Mine were born 1939 & 1944 (even though I’m only 40 now) and I’ve been studying social history as a hobby since I was a teen. That attitude was the predominant norm of that time; Though of course there will have been exceptions and I’m glad to hear yours were on of them. There were some wonderfully loving families in the Victorian era for example but that sadly was even less common back then.

Gosh I’m sorry that’s really sad to read. You sound like a grown up Matilda! Hope you have a good support network around you.