My parents... don't... care?!

[itsallabitmuchx]

I am an only child (28f) and moved out of my parents' tiny house about 6 months ago (I was completing a PHD for 3 years and had 0 money for rent so I lived with them for the duration of this time - paid rent with them but a little amount compared to market value rent).

Sine then, I literally haven't heard off them. At all. Any communication is instigated by me (I will call them) - they ask no questions beyond 'how's work?' and no follow up questions or responses when I reply, just a generic 'oh.. there we are then'. I only moved 20 minutes away and they haven't once come to see me where I am. They haven't even seen the house I have been living in and have no desire to. I've invited them for dinner / takeaway night here 4 times, and they've always declined. I've brought this up with my mum who's only response is 'wow.. you're so needy.. you're an adult... why do you want your parents?'.

Basically it seems they have completed washed their hands with me as in they feel I am old enough that they no longer need to care about me nor be involved in my life. They literally haven't a clue what I do with my time, who is in my life, what my likes dislikes are etc and hopes for the future.

This really gets to me. I have times where I feel I have accepted who they are (very hands off, pretty limited with their viewpoints etc and very stuck in their depressing ways - sit and watch mind numbing TV all day and night - you get me?). Then I suddenly get really upset and angry at it. Went to a BBQ on weekend where girl similar age talking baout how her mum has bene helping her find wedding venues etc and theyre all excited for her (as they should be)... these things are relaisisations I will never have that because my parents are just... shit. It makes me feel very lonely and isolated also (being an only child doesn't help with this either).

AIBU?!

A disappointed and rejected daughter :(

OP I am so sorry your parents are like this to you, they don’t deserve you. You will always feel this hurt but I pray life will be kind to you from now on, that you will find a loving partner and perhaps children of your own to love and be loved in return. ❤️💐

It's utterly shit for you, and these kind of parents bugger up their children's mental health, a burden carried into adulthood. Some people just dont deserve to be parents. No matter how much you want it, they won't change. You need to get yourself to therapy and talk it all out. You've already carved yourself a life, I think you need to distance yourself from them and just look to the future. Find a family in friendships and people who will realise your worth. X

I think that’s really sad. You clearly want to have a relationship with they them which is very normal . My three kids are in their thirties and I think I know a lot about what they are doing , work , friends etc. we speak , meet up, WhatsApp as a family a lot. I can’t imagine ever speaking to my kids as your mother did, that level of disinterest is not normal. Could they be depressed ?

All of that sounds great until you consider that the OP’s parents show no interest her life. That is rejection.

OP I am so sorry as you sound like a lovely person. It’s no wonder you are struggling with this. I would suggest you find some therapy to help you get through this as this can leave some lasting scars. Sending hugs to you x

I give you a big hug and hand hold.

YANBU - BUT you can't change people. I suspect they think you've become 'snobby' - they don't put the same value on your hard work & achievements as you do.
I had a friend who got a first class degree in Maths & had a stellar career but had aunties who never forgave her for not coming to work in the supermarket with them when she was 16. Her mum & dad weren't like yours though. They loved seeing her but the whole family were baffled by what she did with her life. It sounds like your mum is an extreme example of this kind of thinking. She just doesn't understand you at all because you've already gone off the track of life that she considers 'normal'. She probably wonders what on earth you would talk about.
I do feel for you, my daughter & I are pretty close & I can't imagine turning down the chance of a good feed with her! Tonight, we went to see my great niece in an amateur musical - not really my thing but it was really good & we met up with other rellies we haven't seen for a while.
I think you just have to accept things as they are & live your life. You don't have to dramatically cut them off just leave them to it. They might come round a bit in time - but you'll be doing your own thing, won't you? Just never expect them to 'get' you ❤️

Do parents expect their offspring to leave home at 18? No one I know did.
It’s very sad OP and some comments here are incredible.

Mine certainly did. I was 17, and when I left for my first term at university I’d left home — it was so overcrowded they needed the space. When I came home for a visit, I was sleeping on the sofa and very much a visitor.

Wow, you really truly despise your parents and think you are far better than them.

No wonder they don't care for your company.

I'm a card-carrying member of the "my exceptionally disappointing parents never seemed to like me" club.

I say this with nothing but empathy... get therapy. Go work on accepting that your parents have never been and never will be what you want or need them to be, that that isn't your fault and it was never something you could change, and that it is ok to have all sorts of feelings about that. Work on challenging the deep-seated feelings of inadequacy that having those sorts of parents creates in us. Know that there is no amount of therapy or skills-development that you can do that will fix your parents, but you can get to a place where their entirely predictable C-grade parenting performances don't feel like a disappointment or a reflection on you and where you find what you need from other healthy relationships instead of driving yourself up the wall trying to get it from them. And (if you choose) you can get to a place where your unmet needs early in life inspire you to be a better parent to your own kids than yours were to you.

There's a set of books called Running on Empty and Running on Empty no More that might be helpful, but I would recommend reading them when you have a secure place to discuss the feelings and thoughts they bring up.

They sound quite similar to my parents. My mother had 5 children because she was told 5 was the number that her husbands family always had. Unfortunately she was not a very supportive or interested mother and should never have had 5 children.
I'm older than OP but had similar experiences, having studied and got degrees and higher qualifications, my parents barely even congratulated me. I fact they begrudgingly came to my graduation and had a huge and mortifying fight between themselves in front of all my friends. Everyone else's parents took them out for a meal to celebrate after but I had to get my parents to come out for a meal which I organised and didn't feel like a celebration at all.

Same happened when I got married, I didn't even know if my dad was going to show up to walk me down the aisle. Everything was always about them, never happy to see me do well or succeed or even be happy.

When I moved out I barely ever got a phone call from them. My mum especially. I moved abroad and then moved back near them after 6 years, 15 mins walk away, my mum would never make any effort to see me or meet up with me even when I was on maternity leave and free most days, even when I was feeling isolated and with PND.

Having moved near to them, when I told them I was expecting my youngest child, no interest at all or congratulations. I think it was because my mum was afraid I'd be looking for her to babysit, so she wasn't happy. Had my older kids abroad so that was great for her. No actual involvement necessary.

My kids go to school 5 minutes walk from her house, she has never once offered to collect them or spend time with them. She actually leaves her house deliberately at the time when they could have called in after school. And it's only to go to the shops or somewhere to avoid us.

She's just not a very nice or caring person and I understand how hurtful it is, OP. It affects me deeply when I hear about my friends and their parents, or even grandparents being involved with grandchildren or having them over. I feel like she was never a mother to me.

I am 74, my parents were in their mid-twenties when I was born. Very working class. Dad was a builders labourer, mum worked part time in a sweet factory - the one that makes Love Hearts - and had no idea about anything that wasn't working class. They didn't understand my plans to become an Accountant (my mum suggested I be a hairdresser!) and barely took an interest when I qualified. My mum said "So, you're going to be one of those career women are you, with no children". I surprised her by presenting her with two GDs shortly afterwards! When the eldest graduated she joined an international bank in their IT department. Mum couldn't understand that idea, she thought if you worked for a bank you must be "on the counter". Their world was simply fairly small.

It wasn't till my dad's funeral that two of his old workmates came up to me to tell me that the day I qualified as an Accountant my dad had raced up to his mates and beamed with pride as he announced what I had achieved and had taken them all to the pub for a drink. He never said a dicky bird to me.

It was a similar attitude when we bought a little semi when we married, rather than a terrace, and later a 3-bed detached - and finally a 5-bed detached. Not impressed one jot. Thought it was potty. But DD did help build us a patio (mum didn't know what one was!), so maybe he WAS impressed but didn't like to show it.

So, OP, it sounds like your parents are from an older generation, or at least are people with similar views to my parents. Academic achievements and better lifestyles simply meant nothing to them. They didn't understand at all. Maybe yours don't either.

It's not what we expect nowadays, if we move at all with the times. For example I never expected my two DDs to be the main earners in their marriages, but it's pretty common now. I was APPALLED that my elder DD only took 6 months off work when her son was born and then "put him into nursery" (my words at the time). 4 years later on and I wrote a letter of heartfelt thanks to the nursery staff for looking after him so well and helping to give him a great experience that would stand him in good stead for life. Even the young girl with green hair and a nose-ring! My DM would have been turning in her grave at the thought of it!

Times change. It sounds like your DPs haven't moved with them. Only a few generations ago women had children without some of them even knowing "what caused it to happen" (yes, it's true!) and had so many that their sole aim was to feed and clothe them and get rid of them asap unless they were tipping up a good wage. Nowadays we all want better for our kids and pride ourselves on helping them achieve their dreams. I wonder if yours feel that they were forced to "put up with you" for far longer than they expected, and need time to reassess where they are at. It doesn't necessarily mean they don't love you but that their expectations were different.

I feel that because you have done so well it’s almost like they are intimidated by you and instead of being proud of you they are actually resentful because it highlights how useless they are. (Sorry). Without wanting to be rude your mother either has depression/chikdhood trauma and possibly a low IQ. Do you think that if you tried to speak to them about how you feel would they participate in an actual conversation with you.
Going forward I think therapy could really help to reach some kind of acceptance.
Wishing you all the best you deserve a bright future and hopefully you will have your own family in the not too distant future.

Throw yourself into hobbies, find your people and make friendships so that you don’t need your parents to socialise with. Good luck.

and maybe you should explore therapy to find a way to accept that being proud of yourself is enough. Don’t focus on the lack of socialising, I never socialise with my parents - no coffees, no chats on the phone, no shopping trips…. But I know they love me and are proud of me, it must be really hard not having that validation.

The problem with emotional neglect, especially during the foundation years - it leaves such a dark hole of psychological scarring. and in this way it’s worse than even physical violence as it’s much harder to recover from.

Thersoy will be so helpful, it will offer insight and acceptance. Maybe a chance to look at your parent’s life through their lens. Your mother sounded deeply depressed for example. It’s possible she was medicated and couldn’t actually feel anything at all for example. Numb and closed down she wasn’t able to provide you with the nurturing you should have had.

This isn’t an excuse op, nothing excuses the emotional neglect you have suffered, and continue to suffer, only the opportunity to feel free from the pain it is causing you through understanding.

Don’t allow the bitterness and resentment to ruin your life. Get some support and address the emotional pain and disappointments. Allow love and joy into your life with people that do care for you. Look forwards, not backwards. You can not change the past, but you can shape your own future 💐

Exactly “brought them into the world” what absolute tosh. Had unprotected sex you mean? Or gave into the biological imperative to reproduce.

Aw OP sorry to read your update. My heart breaks for you especially you as a young child doing everything you could to make your parents proud and you got nothing in return. It sounds like you are an only child? Get out there and meet some new, caring friends to fill the gap of your parents. I hope you have the best life. It's really only beginning now! Well done on your studies, you sound amazing.

As I’ve gotten older I’ve realised that parents to adult children and their relationships. Art so much. I have friends who have absolutely won the lottery in the parent stakes who have committed, loving parents who want to be involved with the grandchildren etc. Me and DH u fortunately both don’t have this and it is upsetting. I think I’m starting h to come to a period of acceptance if the matter now rather than getting upset so much about it. U fortunately, it is what it is. That being said we’re absolutely breaking that cycle for our own children!

I can sympathise OP, when my mum was alive she was enmeshed in mine & my sisters lives to an unhealthy degree; she had no friends, was a difficult, controlling person, and expected constant attention and validation from us. If we stepped out of line we were treated to emotional manipulation, sulking, and withdrawal of affection ( though there wasn't much of that in the first place).
My dad has little interest in our lives now, preferring to socialise with his friends, we are ignored at Xmas and all other occasions. But if he gets ill he expects constant on-tap attention from us. I've told him he can't expect care from us now, when he can't even be civil to us, just because we are related it doesn't mean we owe him. He has treated me with contempt at times and indifference the rest of the time.
What I'm saying is you should match their behaviour; create the life you want with people in it who deserve you, and be clear with your parents when they decide they need you in their lives again, as they may expect you to provide care when the time comes.

Disappointed and rejected? OK then.

so sorry op. YANBU. Yes they might be glad to have their home back etc but they are clearly not interested in your life. Sadly too many parents just don’t care. As pp said , I hope you find a loving partner you can build a future with.

That's not normal though.

They will probably reach out to you in a decade or so - when they need you to help them. There was a poster flamed last week. She had moved 200 miles away from her dc to be with her new dh. They divorced and now she wants her dc back in her life but they aren't very interested. She's feeling sorry for herself and thinks it's because she's unlikeable. The fact that she left her dc when they needed her didn't seem to register with her until it was pointed out. So the tables will turn for you too. I hope you tell them where to go when this happens!