My parents... don't... care?!

[itsallabitmuchx]

I am an only child (28f) and moved out of my parents' tiny house about 6 months ago (I was completing a PHD for 3 years and had 0 money for rent so I lived with them for the duration of this time - paid rent with them but a little amount compared to market value rent).

Sine then, I literally haven't heard off them. At all. Any communication is instigated by me (I will call them) - they ask no questions beyond 'how's work?' and no follow up questions or responses when I reply, just a generic 'oh.. there we are then'. I only moved 20 minutes away and they haven't once come to see me where I am. They haven't even seen the house I have been living in and have no desire to. I've invited them for dinner / takeaway night here 4 times, and they've always declined. I've brought this up with my mum who's only response is 'wow.. you're so needy.. you're an adult... why do you want your parents?'.

Basically it seems they have completed washed their hands with me as in they feel I am old enough that they no longer need to care about me nor be involved in my life. They literally haven't a clue what I do with my time, who is in my life, what my likes dislikes are etc and hopes for the future.

This really gets to me. I have times where I feel I have accepted who they are (very hands off, pretty limited with their viewpoints etc and very stuck in their depressing ways - sit and watch mind numbing TV all day and night - you get me?). Then I suddenly get really upset and angry at it. Went to a BBQ on weekend where girl similar age talking baout how her mum has bene helping her find wedding venues etc and theyre all excited for her (as they should be)... these things are relaisisations I will never have that because my parents are just... shit. It makes me feel very lonely and isolated also (being an only child doesn't help with this either).

AIBU?!

A disappointed and rejected daughter :(

My parents are a wee bit like this. Changed when I had kids but my mum has never been one for turning up for visits, shopping trips, spa days etc

I used to watch my mother's eyes glaze over if I started talking about myself. My father was worse, he had a nasty comment for every occasion.

There is nothing you can do, apart from build a life that doesn't feature them much. It was also a very good day, the day I realised I didn't care what they thought about me.

I remember brushing away negative feelings about them when I was a child/teenager, but I now see those feelings for what they were: dislike.

The coldness and cruelty of some posters towards a woman who has already experienced that all of her life from her own parents tells a very stark tale of its own about the nature of some people on this thread. There will never be a situation where parenting your child in an emotional vacuum represents good enough parenting. If you have done that and you find yourself aligning with the OPs parents then instead of berating the OP you should have a long, hard look at yourself and what you need to change in you and stop worrying about the OP who will be fine in time.

Exactly. It's interesting to note that a couple of posters on here are now realising that their own parenting leaves a lot to be desired.

Bringing a child into the world isn't a selfless act if you don't intend to treat that child kindly and with compassion. OP's description of her mum is based on her mum's behaviour towards her. If you have given your children a warm and loving childhood, it is very unlikely that your children would describe you in those terms.

Absolutely, OP could be a serial killer and her parents petrified of her and trying to escape her but as with any thread whatsoever on here we go by the information that is given and the information given explains an emotionally absent, uncaring mother and father 🤷♀️

But some parents have absolutely no idea there is more to parenting than food and clothes, so they genuinely don’t get that they’re lacking in anything. My siblings and I are in our 40s and 50s, and our octogenarian parents have no idea they were neglectful parents, and that this is in part why four of their five children are childfree by choice. They both came from poor, dysfunctional environments themselves, so nothing to compare with.

We know someone whose parents have stopped speaking to him because he moved out. Only child, late 20s. Him and his girlfriend are doing up a house.
His parents are pissed because he is no longer giving them rent, and they want him to do up their house instead.
Clearly there are batshit parents out there.

Maybe they are unhappy that she has moved out. DH lived at home for a long time (also PhD) and his mother never got over him leaving and wanted him to come home. She wasn’t motherly at all but didn’t see why he needed to move out/get married/have children.

"Dissing their parents"?

Children and adult children should just mindlessly and uncritically "respect" their parents, no matter what?

You sound like some kind of old testament bible basher shouting "honour thy father and mother". Some parents don't deserve to be honoured.

Christ, just be thankful you have no idea how much of your adulthood can be fucked up by shitty parenting.

How do you know? I'm not being mean or goady, but it's impossible for you to know. My mum thinks she was a great mum as well, and that we are "close". We are not and she wasn't.

I think we've moved into the ' elderly parents' thread topic a bit here, but I get where the OP is coming from.

I have a mother that is extremely interested in our lives, remembers details , asks about how we are getting on and genuinely listens.

My father however ( they are divorced) is a selfish, entitled, unpleasant person who knows nothing and cares nothing about me, my DH or my daughter. He only wants contact with us so he can demand we do things for him, or to moan about his ( actually comfortable) life.

Parents can be terrible. Just because they had you and raised you to an adult, doesn't automatically mean you were showered with love , or that you owe them anything .

She's hilarious isn't she, living in her own world, I can imagine her children have a lot to say about her behind her back.

Its like saying 10 years I have sex with my husband, an egg and sperm combined so that produced a human that must respect me for the rest of its life however I behave. You don't get respect by unprotected sex resulting in a baby, you earn it by being a good person and parent.

Parent-wise, mine were brilliant, and are brilliant grandparents.

And OP’s are not brilliant. So you’re just rubbing her face in it.

Ditto, I thought a thousand bad things about my mother but you don't say them outloud to that person, there's just no point when they are so self absorbed.
My sister and I used to visit my mum weekly, sit and nod through her bitching and crazy views then as soon as we walked out the door sigh in relief that it was over for another week, she probably thought we were having a good old catch up 🙄

Just do what you need to to keep them sweet so they don't write you out of the will.

Sounds likes she's triggered because she herself has no job and watches tv all day. Now she's worried her children will look down on her. Same with another poster.

Op was just describing the facts! Her mum is lazy if she never worked and watches tv all day! Nothing wrong with giving readers a picture of the parents personality! Op wants a relationship with her mum, this does not suggest she's " looking down on her" to me.

My apologies! I posted on the wrong thread!

Yes, the information/interpretation of only one side of the issue.

What's your point? Every single thread on here is one side of information, one person's interpretation 🤷‍♀️

Perhaps her mother has suffered from depression/mental health issues for a long while….its not just a modern affliction.
or perhaps the OP is just an entitled, narcissist…but you keep on with the interpretation that suits the mandate. There’s always two sides.

@Iceplanet , I don't have a telly.
@WestwardHo1 , I was thinking "How sharper than a serpent’s tooth it is to have a thankless child" as well as "Honour your father and your mother."

If I looked for faults in how I was parented, I'd probably find some.
But if there might have been things they didn't get right, there were far more things they did get right.

But your arguing the point of the mother with absolutely zero information from her point of view, it's like you've decided that OPs view of events have to be wrong and her mother couldn't possibly act like that.

Perhaps OP is a narcissistic, on that logic perhaps her mother is a pure evil masked murderer, again, you only know what you have been told.
All you know is that she's shown no interest in visiting her daughters first home, refused every invite her daughter has reached out with, called her needy for asking her to visit, had to be begged to be collected from school etc so obviously you have to use this information to form your opinion, you literally know nothing else about the mother.

And to add, my shitty mother suffered from mental health problems all throughout my childhood. I don't see that as any excuse for her behaviour, there's times ive wanted to jump off a cliff I've been so depressed but I would never allow that to affect my son and the love I show for him.

Agree with this. They're human too, and as much as a parent role that they have to you, they are just flawed adults like everyone else (including yourself). They may just want their space and some time before reconnecting. It's hard having an adult child live with you when you likely expected them to be living independently from about age 22 or so. On the other hand, they might have always been a bit like this (????), and so may just be emotionally unavailable parents?
I don't know. I'm Gen X, not a Millennial, so I was used to just being left to get on with it and ignored most of the time and to find my own way, and when I wasn't I didn't care so much ("whatever" generation), so this kind of behaviour that you descrribe from your parents (Boomer, like mine), sounds kinda usual and nothing to stress about.

I’m a mother and I would never treat my child the way they are treating the OP. She has no sibling so they are all the family she has. So no, she probably doesn’t like them very much because they don’t sound very loving.

In this day and age, with the cost of living crisis, it is not unusual for children to stay living with parents well into their 30’s. Why be so harsh?