To expect the same childcare as your SIL is receiving

[Notyourproblem]

AIBU to expect to get the same support from the grandparents as given to their own daughter?
I am married to their son. I am talking about child care time and effort (not talking about money)

YABU - no, it's common for parents to favour and support own daughter more.

YANBU - yes, same treatment for grandchildren support.

For context - we live closer that SIL and my husband is very close to his parents so no issues with relationships.

Sorry but it is pretty common that daughters (and subsequently child care) are favoured over daughter in laws. You aren’t their daughter so you can’t expect them to treat you the same in terms of the benefits you enjoy. If, however, grandchildren are treated very differently (more expensive presents for one set of grandchildren etc) that’s different.

I find this post fascinating. OP I think your manner has undone you here, perhaps unfairly. But things are rarely equal when it comes to childcare. We moved close to my parents and had the first grandchildren. We get one school pickup a week and are grateful for it. Nothing else unless arranged. My sister lives over an hour away and gets very little. We’ve all accepted it. My parents don’t want to look after their GC 7 days a week. Fair. Be grateful for whatever is offered.

To be contentious, I dont understand the feeling of entitlement that today's Mum's expect from GP. And before you all.jump down my throat, I had no help with my 3, and needed to return to work when each was a few months old.
If your SIL's children are older than yours, childcare for the GPs will have become a little easier as they (the GPs) get older.
Maybe if your husband actually asked, they would be happy to help, they're not clairvoyant, and they may feel you don't want that from them. Maybe they feel you're pushier than their daughter. Maybe they prefer the other grands? It happens!

Sure, you do you, it's obviously fine to go into a home if that's what you want. There's also nothing shameful in accepting help, especially when you yourself have helped others in your turn.

In my family, my elderly relatives have always tried to stay in their own homes as long as possible. My dad, grandparents, great uncles/aunts have mostly been able to die in their own beds. Even with home help, this wouldn't have been possible without support from other family members.

I see it as paying it forwards and hoping the next generation will do the same for you. I wouldn't expect an in-law to do anything though.

Nope.

expect is not a thing. Work on the relationship if there can be one.

You stated people expect care from their kids, you might but you don't speak for us all. There is no way that I want to put that burden on my kids, I have good pensions so I can pay for support and if it goes beyond that then it's a home. I've read threads on here where people want their parents dead as they can't cope any more. That isn't what I want for me or them.

Well this puts you in a difficult position. He should be the one speaking to his parents about a more equitable arrangement.

Your relationship with the in-laws will be a deciding factor too OP.

Mothers are more hands on, so if they don't feel free around you, they won't feel free looking after your kids.

Your DH has to make that connection work, but again, if he has to run things through you, it will affect the relationship.

This.
And it may not be realistic to expect that, having established a working arrangement with their first grandchildren, they will then change it to suit you. There would be various different factors / personalities involved and I don't think people with limited knowledge of the situation can really judge.

Again, that's fine. My point is the OP is demanding equal treatment to the DD but a DD and DIL are two very different things. I used the example of caring for elderly parents, but it could just as well be inheritance, signing as a rental guarantor, emotional support, whatever.

Although this wasn’t the actual case for practical reasons, my DM would have helped me with childcare and not my DB, because she thinks looking after children is a woman’s job (ie mine) and she knows it’s difficult in the early years so she would have shared it with me. She wouldn’t have thought the same wrt my DB’s children, because he already has a woman dealing with his children: his wife. My DM wouldn’t even have thought about whether my SIL needed help, she would have automatically thought my SIL should have sorted out help for herself from her DM or elsewhere. In her mind, she wouldn’t want to interfere in SIL’s life/work/job.

It’s wrong on so many levels, but also fair in a way.

It's equal treatment and focus for the kids not for herself though!

Is her husband, their son, not their own child?

Yes, but according to the OP he hasn't asked for any childcare.

Equal treatment for kids is same price presents and treats etc. Offering fixed childcare on set days is definitely a favour to the parents in my view.

The OP admits the GPs do see her kids etc. What she's upset about is not having the exact same number of set days as her SIL got.

Her DH (their DS) hasn't asked for any childcare at all.

"All Things Being Equal" then yes they should provide you both with similar "services"... but are the two situations really the same ?

"All Things Being Equal" then yes they should provide you both with similar "services"... but are the two situations really the same ?

@Notyourproblem seems highly transactional- wanting the same time as her SiL. Her posts show no concern for her in-laws as people. Just about some abstract notion of “fairness.”

I meant in terms of when you said GP tend to expect their children rather than inlaws to provide care when they age that their son is their child too.

Yes, which is why any childcare or elderly care or whatever should be negotiated between children and their parents. Not DILs and PILs.

Yip. Also because as an in law, there will be nuances and history and old hurts and perceived hurts and ancient favours and treats and all kinds of stuff that you don’t know about. And because of that it’s so much better when the family of origin people - in this case the husband and his parents - negotiate this between them.

but the ops husband hasn’t done that.

That would be different. They could have both children at the same time but cancelling a long-standing arrangement is going to cause upheaval for everyone and bad feeling probably.

You do realise that these grandchildren have been produced by the MIL son and the op didn’t create them on her own?

That would likely be my solution - have both gc at the same time. I wouldn't be prepared to do more than a day or two a week, so having them together seems the most logical solution. There's the risk that one or both doesn't want that, in which case I might suggest one day each (even if one has been getting two days). I'm in charge of how I divvy my time and it's them I'm doing the favour to, so they can work with me or miss out.

Sadly it is just the way it is. I have two DB and both of there DC are looked after by my mum. My DC are lucky to get birthday card. My mum says I don’t need her as much as my DB but the fact it I do. She just doesn’t see it. It is hard but it is the way it is.