Page 27 | To expect the same childcare as your SIL is receiving

Notyourproblem · 2025-08-04T16:33:24+00:00

AIBU to expect to get the same support from the grandparents as given to their own daughter? I am married to their son. I am talking about child care time and effort (not talking about money) YABU - no, it's common for parents to favour and support own daughter more. YANBU - yes, same treatment for grandchildren support. For context - we live closer that SIL and my husband is very close to his parents so no issues with relationships.

Tippertapperfeet · 05/08/2025 12:15

ruethewhirl · 05/08/2025 12:13

I don't think people are necessarily missing the point about the inequality. Some of us have chosen to make a separate point of how entitled OP sounds because it really is ringing out so loudly from most of her posts.

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Also I don’t understand why she would have placed so much store on getting “equal” childcare but her DH hasn’t even spoken to the in laws. He sounds like a completely cheeky fucker to have volunteered his mother for childcare and not asked her!!

and if the op was so sure she needed this support that she got her husband to promise it before they had kids, that just seems weird to me. What if the in laws die or become unwell?

DipsyDee · 05/08/2025 12:28

applegingermint · 05/08/2025 10:23

I still think it’s very weird to be more annoyed at in-laws when your own parents don’t or can’t help, whichever one that may be.

For her in-laws, perhaps they just prefer being around their own daughter than their DIL, which is entirely their right.

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You can’t make this judgement when you have no idea why the OP’s parents aren’t involved. It could be a myriad of reasons. The inlaws have two sets of grandchildren regardless if they have come from the son or daughter.

That being said the OP husband needs to take ownership of this especially if he has promised her something but is refusing to act upon it.

DipsyDee · 05/08/2025 12:38

Tippertapperfeet · 05/08/2025 12:15

Also I don’t understand why she would have placed so much store on getting “equal” childcare but her DH hasn’t even spoken to the in laws. He sounds like a completely cheeky fucker to have volunteered his mother for childcare and not asked her!!

and if the op was so sure she needed this support that she got her husband to promise it before they had kids, that just seems weird to me. What if the in laws die or become unwell?

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You don’t know if she got her husband to promise it at all. He could have offered it off his own back and not followed through by discussing it with his parents

Original poster

Notyourproblem · 05/08/2025 12:47

To those saying I sound entitled - what the difference it makes to the actual question raised? ..if I wanted sympathy I would have worded the thread differently.
Thanks to those who pointed out logistical reasons on why I shouldn't expect the same support.

OP posts:

Tippertapperfeet · 05/08/2025 12:57

Her and her husband discussed it before they had kids is how I read it - the op says:

“and I was over promised by DH.”

DipsyDee · 05/08/2025 12:58

Notyourproblem · 05/08/2025 12:47

To those saying I sound entitled - what the difference it makes to the actual question raised? ..if I wanted sympathy I would have worded the thread differently.
Thanks to those who pointed out logistical reasons on why I shouldn't expect the same support.

I don’t think you sound entitled at all. Did your husband promise that his parents would help out but has done nothing h to address this with them? Was this part of the agreement when you moved next door? Grandchildren are grandchildren and it shouldn’t matter from which child they come. In an ideal world your in-laws would recognise this and come to some sort of compromise with all of you .

Tippertapperfeet · 05/08/2025 13:02

Notyourproblem · 05/08/2025 12:47

To those saying I sound entitled - what the difference it makes to the actual question raised? ..if I wanted sympathy I would have worded the thread differently.
Thanks to those who pointed out logistical reasons on why I shouldn't expect the same support.

I think your husband has let you down and he’s a bit of a cheeky bastard promising you other people’s labour.

why hasn’t he asked them for help? Why didn’t he talk to them when you were on maternity leave? (I’m assuming you need to go back to work)

ruethewhirl · 05/08/2025 13:04

Notyourproblem · 05/08/2025 12:47

To those saying I sound entitled - what the difference it makes to the actual question raised? ..if I wanted sympathy I would have worded the thread differently.
Thanks to those who pointed out logistical reasons on why I shouldn't expect the same support.

Given the tone of your posts, personally I’m finding it hard not to wonder if the reason you don’t get what you ‘expect’ is that your sense of entitlement is coming across to your ILs and they’re not inclined to do more for you for that reason.

RitaFires · 05/08/2025 13:08

Is it possible your DH isn't asking because he sees the toll that caring for his sister's kids takes on his parents and doesn't want to burden them further? I ask because of all my siblings I seem to be the only one aware that my mother has become frailer with age and so I try not to ask her for too many favours.

Original poster

Notyourproblem · 05/08/2025 13:14

ruethewhirl · 05/08/2025 13:04

Given the tone of your posts, personally I’m finding it hard not to wonder if the reason you don’t get what you ‘expect’ is that your sense of entitlement is coming across to your ILs and they’re not inclined to do more for you for that reason.

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That's possible, thank you

OP posts:

Original poster

Notyourproblem · 05/08/2025 13:19

Honestly your comments were so useful. Yes, expectations and comparison don't lead to anything positive.
I will truly try to take onboard the advice and suggestions given.
And apologies that I couldn't respond to all and didn't share all the details.

OP posts:

AguNwaanyi · 05/08/2025 14:07

Thatsalineallright · 04/08/2025 18:59

So when your IL's are elderly and need care, will you be stepping up completely equally to your SIL? Since you want to be treated exactly the same...

I have to say I won't be. I will look after my own mum and expect my DH and his siblings to look after theirs when the time comes. I won't be giving my FIL sponge baths or whatever.

It makes perfect sense to me that the GPs are willing to put themselves out more for their DD than for their DIL. You say it's you asking for more childcare, not their actual DS (your DH). I think yabu.

But this is a common occurrence. GP expecting the child they didn’t help with childcare to be the one helping when they are in need and the children who they showered with help neglects their elderly parents when they no longer require them to be babysitters. GP are just as “entitled” if that’s the language we are using.

CoolBath · 05/08/2025 14:07

Nearly50omg · 05/08/2025 11:51

Make it clear to them now that as SIL has had so much help with childcare and everything else that of course SHE will be the one to help the inlaws when they need it and when it comes to the reverse caring needs as despite living next door you aren’t their daughter and she is and caring goes both ways. Otherwise not just your SIL but your DH will expect you to take on their caring 24/7 and you will be next door washing them and changing pads and washing wet bedding etc while the SIL is “too busy” and your DH is “working” this is a tale as old as time and maybe if they are made to think hang on then they might start helping you a bit but if not then at least SIL is prepared as you have made it very clear well in advance that as they are her parents and she’s had all this help for her children of course she will be the one giving back to them not you!!!

It’s always interesting to see the inner ‘logic’ of why so many Mners have no friends and are on bad terms with their families.

Is this level of caveman quid pro actually how you think about relationships, @Nearly50omg?

eatreadsleeprepeat · 05/08/2025 14:41

Notyourproblem · 05/08/2025 11:46

To all who shared the situations where grandchildren notice differences - I would really like to avoid that. I want them to grow up with positive views of the family. Hence your suggestions about lowering my expectations are useful, so I don't pass on any resentment.
And I don't think we will have completely different treatment when it comes to things kids notice - like presents. I have read plenty on MN about that and it s very sad.

I think children notice the oddest things and are oblivious to others. If your PIL spend time with your children, talk to the, read to them etc then a relationship will build. You live next door so for your children they will be part of the everyday landscape of life. Their cousins might envy them this. PIL may be looking forward to quality time as opposed to childcare time with yours.
You are in a position to more readily compare as you all live close to one another. I have one child in another country and one an hour away. That is a potential for immediate inequality, my one existing grandchild sees much more of one side than the other simply due to proximity.

Bennetty · 05/08/2025 17:10

From the grandparents perspective, if SIL is the primary parent that looks after the children, they're helping out their daughter. In your family, if you are the primary person looking after the children, it's a little bit different because it's not them helping out their daughter. That may just be where the different feeling comes from on their part.

AnAlpacaForChristmasPleaseSanta · 05/08/2025 17:22

@PigletSanders They’re actually bonkers and I could write so many threads about them.

Please do, it might make me feel better about my own batshit family!

Just out of interest what kind of stuff do they demand you hand over to SIL and does she actually want it? I'm imagining you getting an air fryer or something and you PIL immediately making demands over it.

FriendIsAngry · 05/08/2025 17:24

Notyourproblem · 05/08/2025 12:47

To those saying I sound entitled - what the difference it makes to the actual question raised? ..if I wanted sympathy I would have worded the thread differently.
Thanks to those who pointed out logistical reasons on why I shouldn't expect the same support.

It makes a huge difference, because one of the reasons GPs might decline/avoid is because “DIL is demanding, and quick to take offence.” I have neither a DIL nor GC, but I have been in a relationship where nothing was ever enough, they always compared me to others as a way to leverage more out of me. Never again!

DipsyDee · 05/08/2025 17:29

Bennetty · 05/08/2025 17:10

From the grandparents perspective, if SIL is the primary parent that looks after the children, they're helping out their daughter. In your family, if you are the primary person looking after the children, it's a little bit different because it's not them helping out their daughter. That may just be where the different feeling comes from on their part.

They would be helping out their son

prelovedusername · 05/08/2025 17:54

OP I posted earlier about a sense of entitlement on this thread. I just wanted to make it clear that wasn’t directed at you but at the general tone of other posters. I think you have taken on board what people have said very constructively and I hope you feel happier now.

FWIW, although my DC had less to do with their DGP than their cousins when young, they had plenty of opportunity to build a loving relationship with them later. Nobody lost out.

WhatNoRaisins · 05/08/2025 18:01

I also agree that if the living nearby doesn't work for you or there is another location you've always wanted to move to I'd look into this. A bit of distance might help with this relationship.

Thatsalineallright · 05/08/2025 18:07

AguNwaanyi · 05/08/2025 14:07

But this is a common occurrence. GP expecting the child they didn’t help with childcare to be the one helping when they are in need and the children who they showered with help neglects their elderly parents when they no longer require them to be babysitters. GP are just as “entitled” if that’s the language we are using.

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I don't think many people expect ILs to look after them. They expect that from their own children, not a DIL.

In any case, if OP isn't willing to help out on equal terms to a daughter, then she can't expect childcare on equal terms to a daughter.

Her DH (the GPs DS) hasn't actually asked for any childcare, only OP has.

Letskeepcalm · 05/08/2025 18:14

LightDrizzle · 04/08/2025 17:39

If she was the first to have a baby and receive childcare from them then it might just be bad luck for you that she got in first. They are not unreasonable in not wanting to take on more and where does it stop, if they have three children who have 3 children and one couple has shifts to work around then should they be looking after anything between 2 and 8 children 7 days a week for say 10 hours a day?

Edited

This

Letskeepcalm · 05/08/2025 18:27

Meadowfinch · 04/08/2025 18:00

YAB completely U. It depends on a huge number of variables

How old were the ILs when dealing with a 1yo grandchild. If they are 5 years older now, don't be surprised if they say no.

Does your SIL rely on them, with no alternative. Then they are already committed.

Do they live closer to one family than the other.

They are quite within their rights to say they have had enough of childcare and don't want to do any more. Children are exhausting at the best of times, never mind when they are 60+

Completely agree

Feelinglostatsea · 05/08/2025 18:28

@Notyourproblem i am 100% on Your side with this. We had/have this issue but we have our first DC first (their first GC) as soon as SIL had her DC ours was pushed thoroughly out of the way, i understood at first in a way because it was SIL's first baby as needed the support more (she now has 2 lovely DC's through IVF so is an elective single mom) but the support never returned to our DC, we have since gone on to have 3 DCs, but unfortunately our eldest was old enough (7) when his cousin was born to know he was pushed out and what he's missing out on . . .
Its a horrible feeling to feel like your kids are second best, i personally cut contact just to see how long it would take for them to ask after the kids (answer is 9 weeks!) and said if they wanted to see DGCs then they needed to come to our home (we live 10min drive away) as i wasn't taking the kids to see them anymore, especially as eldest felt pushed out. I stood firm with this and set the boundaries my kids needed. Grandparents dont see the issue and never will when it comes to playing favourites. I hope it doesn't bother your DCs xxx

TheignT · 05/08/2025 18:28

Thatsalineallright · 05/08/2025 18:07

I don't think many people expect ILs to look after them. They expect that from their own children, not a DIL.

In any case, if OP isn't willing to help out on equal terms to a daughter, then she can't expect childcare on equal terms to a daughter.

Her DH (the GPs DS) hasn't actually asked for any childcare, only OP has.

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I don't want my kids looking after me. When I can't manage I'll go in a home. I've told my kids if I get dementia and get to the point I don't know them I expect them to stop visiting and remember me how I was.

Why does everyone seem to think we want to be looked after by family.