To expect the same childcare as your SIL is receiving

[Notyourproblem]

AIBU to expect to get the same support from the grandparents as given to their own daughter?
I am married to their son. I am talking about child care time and effort (not talking about money)

YABU - no, it's common for parents to favour and support own daughter more.

YANBU - yes, same treatment for grandchildren support.

For context - we live closer that SIL and my husband is very close to his parents so no issues with relationships.

I think it’s normal for grandparents to be closer to grandchildren when their child facilitates a close relationship. Is your Dh doing that? Going and spending time with them with the kids? Taking them all out for days out? Having them over and making lunch for his parents?

I wouldn’t expect childcare help to be the same. It’s not a government scheme. It’s just a gift if you get any family support. We have none, except maybe MIL has watched ours for a few hours here and there at our house since eldest was a toddler (she’s 12 now).

They will be closer to their daughter than they are to you. Perhaps they feel more confident looking after her children than they would with yours for that reason - it tends to be the mother that negotiates the ‘rules’. Or perhaps they are already using up their energy with their daughters children and have none left over, but don’t feel they can back out. But I don’t think you should ‘expect’ anything

A lot of comments with the reasons why helping more to their daughter would make sense or just be preferable to GPs. Such as more chance to spend time with own daughter, and helping with childcare is still seen as helping a women - so helping your own daughter takes priority.
And it all makes sense. And perhaps having it any different way would make an exception.

And lots of examples given too from personal stories.
So as posted above - I will just accept that this is the way it is for us. Instead of having any negative feelings.

Your comments (including the criticisms) all were very useful - so thanks to all.

Its the unfairness thought.
If Ops parents aren't helping any of their children then they are treating them all equally. Doesn't matter what the reason is.

If the ILs are helping the daughter and therefore too busy, tired to help the son then that is unfair.

Given the discussion about free hours the DGC are all pre-school age. So real difference in the effort required.

Its hard on the kids too, you end up with people not wanting their kids to know their cousins get very different treatment. When they are at summer club with little choice in the outings, yet cousins get a choice because they are with Grandparents.
You'd rather keep the kids apart than to hear the constant 'we did x, y, z'

Grandparents can only stretch themselves so thin.

Why are your parents not in the picture? (Sorry, appreciate that’s a personal question but would provide context for your feelings.)

@Notyourproblem have you ever actually asked for this support?

A lovely post. I hope it all helps going forward.

Completely unreasonable expectation.

Did your in-laws have any say in you moving in next door to them? That suggests enormous assumptions on your part.

I would have hated child care from my MIL tbh.

I felt similarly to you when my kids were small. We were the first in the family to have children and it was made clear to us by various parties that we were not to ask for help. One of my SIL's responded to the news by saying 'don't expect me to babysit' before she even managed to say congratulations. So we didn't ask. It came as something of a shock to us, a few years later, to find that MIL regularly babysat for the others and even had one of them stay overnight. We only found out about that because we called in on her unexpectedly and he was there. MIL was very embarrassed. We shrugged it off. What else could we do? DH was upset and angry at his brother for putting MIL in that position.

But looking back now, I can see that actually, it isn't as straightforward as it seems. It may well be that your MIL is already at the limit of what she can physically manage. Okay, she could renegotiate with SIL and split the time between you, but maybe SIL isn't the type to accept that and MIL doesn't want the argument. Maybe SIL is struggling and can't cope without the help. Maybe MIL regrets offering SIL so much help but feels unable to withdraw it. Maybe she does just prefer SIL's kids to yours and that's something you're going to have to find a way to accept. Challenging it won't change anything and you will most likely be painted as the bad guy.

I know it's unfair. But it's also about finding a way to maintain a relationship with these people longer term.

It's not right op, but it is families. When there is unfairness like this for your own sanity you have to suck it up.

We've had similar with one relative contributing far more financially and practically to another relative but you have to learn to live with it or else the resentment becomes the overriding problem.

The sil and ils will absolutely know what is going on is not fair or right.

This is a good comment. It’s also sad when the children start to notice themselves, and they will. Living right next to them can’t help with that, as they (and you) will see the very different treatment.

If it isn’t too expensive and this isn’t your forever home, I’d probably look to move a little bit further away

To all who shared the situations where grandchildren notice differences - I would really like to avoid that. I want them to grow up with positive views of the family. Hence your suggestions about lowering my expectations are useful, so I don't pass on any resentment.
And I don't think we will have completely different treatment when it comes to things kids notice - like presents. I have read plenty on MN about that and it s very sad.

Make it clear to them now that as SIL has had so much help with childcare and everything else that of course SHE will be the one to help the inlaws when they need it and when it comes to the reverse caring needs as despite living next door you aren’t their daughter and she is and caring goes both ways. Otherwise not just your SIL but your DH will expect you to take on their caring 24/7 and you will be next door washing them and changing pads and washing wet bedding etc while the SIL is “too busy” and your DH is “working” this is a tale as old as time and maybe if they are made to think hang on then they might start helping you a bit but if not then at least SIL is prepared as you have made it very clear well in advance that as they are her parents and she’s had all this help for her children of course she will be the one giving back to them not you!!!

If you can I'd move, Its not going to change.

Can you imagine ushering your kids out the door to kids club, while their cousins are getting dropped off next door to be pampered by grandparents?

Or GPs collect them from school while yours go to afterschool.

And thats not even taking into account the financial stuff.
Or the fact your next door so easy to rely on you to provide elderly care when required.

Why, @Nearly50omg the GP's probably aren't as entitled as the OP is.
@Notyourproblem I don't know why your husband promised other people's labour instead of his own in looking after the kids you had together.

They probably will notice as you're living so close.
Are the cousins close in age.
I'd have an honest chat with MIL, you're protecting your DC's future feelings, if things don't change, I'd move away.

My mum is scrupulously fair when it comes to presents. But my three year old has cried about hearing how Nanny took his cousins to days out, hearing how they’re around her house, going to the park etc. She has the others every evening after school and all school holidays, so if we drop in, it’s very clear they’re there all the time and it makes him a bit sad. We brush it off and I take days off work during the school holidays and plan things with my mum that he and my one year old can go along to as well with his cousins. It’s tricky though, I’ve just asked my mum not to mention the fun stuff with his cousins in front of him. But obviously his cousins do, because they’re just small.

Not really sure what to advise, but just mentioning that they did notice it earlier than I expected

I think no matter how people try to phrase it it is an entitled behaviour, whether or not you use the word expect or deserve instead.

People feel they are entitled to the same treatment on the basis that it was given to another family member.

So here is a question, if the help had not been given to the other family member, would they still feel entitled to it ?

And from then on it becomes a question of whether or not another family member (grandparent) is entitled to have a relationship with or do something for another relative without it being anyone else's in the families business or without inherently promising that same thing to anyone else in the family in the process ?

Comparison is the thief of joy here.

Op Can you share what sort
of childcare you are looking for from your in laws?

is it one or two days a week to give you a break? Is it two mornings so you can work? Is it holiday childcare?

also why hasn’t your husband actually asked his parents for the help?

is your father in law still alive? There seems to be quite a lot of focus on MILs but I’m wondering if your fil is still on the scene?

Grandmother here. It's tricky to be fully 'fair' in this situation. My stepdaughter (her mother died, and my DH, her father is also now dead) had children first, and probably got the bulk of the childcare, simply because I was available for some days and had the energy. My DS had children later and though I do help out, I help a lot less than I did with SD's children. I didn't want to change an established routine and I didn't have the energy to take on more days.

My DS and DIL understood this, and there were no issues. They know I am there to help in any emergency and I have, on occasion, and all four GDs together when just such an emergency came up. These days, the need is less as the grandchildren are older, but though I was fit and healthy, I didn't have the energy (ot, tbh, the inclination) to use up all my time in childcare. I'm glad I spent a lot of the time with my late DH while I still could.

I never felt there was any expectation on the part of my DS, my DSD or their partners to offer childcare. I did what I could, and that was enough. 'Fairness' doesn't really come into it.

I am having a hard time understanding how the point of this conversation is going so far over some people’s heads. If you care for one grandchild when you’re in your sixties and then, fifteen years later, a new baby grandchild arrives and you find yourself unable to do the same amount you did with the first, no reasonable person would fault you. If you are currently, as in today, able and willing to provide four days a week of care for grandchildren, it is absolutely not fair or reasonable that you should allocate all four days to your grandchildren from one child’s family, leaving zero days for grandchildren from your other child’s family.

You are, of course, legally free to choose to do that, but the child and their spouse who aren’t benefiting from your capacity for care are also legally (and morally) free to adjust how far out of their way they are willing to go to accommodate the grandparents, both now and in the future.

See I don’t get that from some of the posters. It has to be fair is what they’re saying. And it’s fair according to them - not taking into account age or health or anything.

doesn’t help that the op hasn’t been specific.

This is so exactly our experience that I could have written it myself. Everything my child achieves my fil resents as his favourite grandchild hasn't got it. I now don't share the achievements as it is embarrassing and weird. For him.

I don't think people are necessarily missing the point about the inequality. Some of us have chosen to make a separate point of how entitled OP sounds because it really is ringing out so loudly from most of her posts.