To expect the same childcare as your SIL is receiving

[Notyourproblem]

AIBU to expect to get the same support from the grandparents as given to their own daughter?
I am married to their son. I am talking about child care time and effort (not talking about money)

YABU - no, it's common for parents to favour and support own daughter more.

YANBU - yes, same treatment for grandchildren support.

For context - we live closer that SIL and my husband is very close to his parents so no issues with relationships.

Yep and if the son wants childcare he should ask for it. According to the OP, he has never even hinted anything to his parents.

That's my whole point. If a DIL asks for help that is different to a DD/DS asking for help. The OP should be annoyed at her DH, not her ILs.

I am an aunt rather than a GP. All nieces and nephews from both sides are treated the same in terms of time and money spent. I wouldn't do it any other way.

My DC are the last and we live away. We have never had any support from GPs. Our mum's didn't work and had tonnes of support from our GPs. I assumed it would be the same, not least because we all work full time too. It was hard not to get any help and it felt like rejection. It was the best thing that could have happened. My immediate family is tight. I have amazing relationships with family and friends with people that adore my DC. The GPs have missed out.

On both sides this happened with one sibling in the family having their need prioritised. There are four siblings on each side. The rest of the grandchildren are well aware their GPs have favourites. On reflection, I am glad it didn't happen. Their values did not align in terms of screen time, food and behaviour. It was incredibly hard when DC were little, it all worked out.

I would say the GPs are being taken advantage of but they are active participants. They have actively decided to favour one family and build uneven relationships. Those siblings reaping the benefits of free childcare and babysitting are not the most supportive of their needs now they are getting older. That's on all of them.

It is such a shame for everyone. I think it is really unhealthy for the child being prioritised.

I'm really pleased you're not getting away with your demands, I do feel a sense of satisfaction when entitled chancers don't get their own way.

If your husband wants to ask your parents the enormous favour of looking after YOUR (and his) children, he should do that. Meanwhile, your mother in law (as you know she'll be doing most of the work) owes you not a single solitary moment of childcare. Zilch. Zero. Nothing. Not morally, and not in fairness.

She is being fair to herself by doing what suits her.

Look. After. Your. Own. Children.

There is never anything remotely unfair in a relative refusing to be your free childcare - it's called their human right to utilise their dwindling resource of time taking precedence over your wants/needs.

Look. After. Your. Own. Children. Any help you get is a gift, a bonus and something to be grateful for. When you go into parenting with the correct expectation that you will be looking after your own children, you understand that. If you are an entitled chancer, you don't.

My MIL pays for a nanny when she cannot look after my SIL's child. Meanwhile we get no such support.

I believe with all things equal, resources and opportunities should be split evenly between the children. Unless one has health concerns and need more help than the other due to limitations beyond their control. Otherwise it builds resentment especially when the grandparents helps one child more but expects the other child to take care of them in old age.

Nope, it only builds resentment when an entitled CF like the OP thinks she has a right to someone else's free hard work.

If the CF entitled OP went into parenting with the correct assumption that she and her husband will be parenting their children and that any help they get is a blessing and something to be grateful for - not an expectation - she would not feel resentful.

It is entirely her entitlement and point of view that are driving her choice to be resentful over another woman's choices over her own time and hard work.

And if the OP doesn't want to care for grandparents in their old age there is no reason at all to believe they will care. A nice red herring there.

In this situation is it about childcare or is the jealousy around the mother-daughter relationship you have sans kids?

In my situation, I do not expect help from grandparents. I have budgeted enough for nursery/daycare for days we work. My husband and I both work (cost of living). My SIL have had the same opportunities in life and similar jobs but chose to spend her way into debt (think luxury purchases) and therefore cannot afford to move out. However, we are constantly reminded by MIL that we are financially well off and SIL isn't to justify the help (financially and time).

How does that not build resentment? If she doesn't like my kids equally that is her call. But kids can pick up favouritism (I.e. granny paying for resort holiday for one grandchild only) and if they don't have that connection with her later it's her own doing also.

No need for this reply as it doesn't add anything to what I said.

As stated, it is CF entitlement and point of view that builds resentment. And women get to decide all by themselves without consulting anyone else how much of their time and hard work they want to offer for free.

Your jealousy of your relatives and relationship with your own MIL is not relevant to my comment.

My comment stands.

My comment still stand also.

Anyone can decide on how they would like to spend their free time I agree. Also keeping in mind that there are consequences of not offering equal opportunity to all of your children and grandchildren. If people are ok with that then all good.

If I get more help and support from a different side of the family, then equally I will provide more support to that side of the family in return. Relationships goes both ways.

This is not relevant to what I said and I addressed this in my first reply "And if the OP doesn't want to care for grandparents in their old age there is no reason at all to believe they will care. A nice red herring there"

My comment stands.

My mother in law does all our childcare (which isn't that frequent, maybe the odd night out every few months) as my own mother is useless. What's the situation with your own parents? Do you ask your in-laws for child care and then they refuse or do you just wait for them to offer?

We were lucky to have GP childcare on both sides with mine when they were little and they had them for sleepovers every few months from around age 2 until early teens. My SIL/ BIL had their kids 12yrs later than us and my PIL are now in their late 70s with lots of health issues and can't look after 2 energetic boys. They've never been able to go for a sleepover because the boys cosleep with their parents.

In our instance, we had 2 calm, easy to look after girls and the GPs had the health and energy to look after them but not in the case of my Nephews. It's a timing and health issue.

No he hasn't. He basically got her to move next door to his parents under false pretences by telling her that his parents would provide equal care but it appears that he has never raised this with them:

'This really causes some upset in our house, because we live next to his parents (which was his choice) and he always said the support would be equal but now doesn't ask for it'

I presume that if OP didn't have to live next door to her PILs, the inequality of treatment would be much less obvious.

I wouldn't be surprised if the expectation from her DH and her PILs is that OP will be expected to provide help and support to his parents as they age. If that is the case, OP should absolutely put her foot down and refuse.

He should be speaking to them though not her is the point of what I was saying?

what do you mean by no he hasn’t?

I think you’ve been getting a bit of a hard time on here OP. I don’t think you’re unreasonable in the theory that grandparents should want to support their adult children and grandchildren equally. It’s not just about support either - it’s about love, interest and care - those things don’t cost anything.
unfortunately it often doesn’t work out that way. I am in a similar situation to you - SIL had two of her children first (we’ve struggled with years of infertility) - she gets not only childcare support (multiple days/ week and at anytime she wants) but also financial support and paid for family holidays (for context she does not have money problems - she and her DH are the wealthiest out of all of us including her parents). My BIL’s (DH’s brother) family and our family don’t get any help of any type and the grandparents barely make an effort to see or keep in touch with their grandchildren from their sons. You wouldn’t even know they had grandchildren other than SILs kids - they never talk about BILs or our kids - yet they talk about SILs kids all the time and have their photos up all over their house (there’s none of the other kids). it’s really hurtful for the two brothers as they see their parents giving love and care to their sisters kids so they know their parents are capable of it yet they don’t want to show that to their children - whether this is a conscious choice of the grandparents or just ignorance we don’t know. When asked the grandparents just say ‘life isn’t tit for tat’ - they’ve never given a reason as to why they show more interest in their daughters children than their two sons children. It really is an awful situation to be in OP and for our family it has caused friction not just between the sons and their parents but between the sister and her brothers too - and now the cousins don’t have much of a relationship either - it’s just really sad. As the in law it is up to your DH and his family to sort this out - you just need to support your DH

it doesn’t matter if it’s a daughter or a daughter in law asking for help, the children are still grandchildren no mater from where they come from. Why is that so difficult to understand.

OP’s parents are not on the scene. She hasn’t wanted to say why, it appears to be a painful subject to her. It doesn’t appear that she has any family support at all.

The op hasn’t explained what age the kids are or what the childcare is for. Or what the situation with her SIL is. And her husband has promised her all sorts on behalf of his parents but never spoken to them.

he’s the problem.

I was agreeing with you that her DH hasn't spoken to/negotiated with his parents about the childcare situation. He told her that the support from his parents would be equal to what his sister receives, but it hasn't been and it doesn't seem as though he wants to do anything about it.

It isn't clear what OP's childcare needs are, whether she is working and paying for childcare or whether she just wants her PILs to look after her children to build a close relationship with them.

Ah ok. I don’t think I was quite awake 🤣🤣

What a silly and pointless thing to say!

She’s ungrateful about the lack of childcare? 🤨

Erm, no, ungrateful for what she does get. They don’t owe her any.

@ruethewhirli think maybe OP phrased it badly at first with the use of ‘expect’ and acknowledged that. No-one is owed anything, but don’t you think grandparents should try to be fair with the amount of time they spend with each set of grandchildren? She did say ‘time and effort’ in the OP, and it probably stings even more that she lives next to her PIL and sees the disparity in treatment up close

Whilst I agree the husband should be taking a lot of the blame for this, it is not how you framed your comment at all.