To throw my 16 yr old son out after he squared up to me

[summerviews]

I have been busy all weekend sanding the staircase. My son brought two big bags of washing down and asked if they could be done. I said of course.
An hour or so had passed and I thought I'd ask him to put a wash on. He did this, no bother.
A couple of hours later I asked him to pop his washing into the dryer. Which he did.
Roll on this evening my eldest came home and wanted to get a wash on ready for work tomorrow. He put it on a quick wash. Once it's done, he goes to the dryer and realises stuff is in there and it's still wet! My 16 yr old son says he doesn't know why, and wants to take it out regardless. I explain that he should keep it in the dryer and let it dry properly or the clothes will stink if left damp or wet. He tells me I'm to blame as the dryer is my responsibility. I let this narky comment slide and calmly tell him to leave the washing in and turn it back on.
I know what's happened, he's put his washing in there earlier and not started it at the beginning of the cycle, so it's only done a half cycle, if that. But I say nothing (I pick my battles).
Literally less than five mins later 16 yr old walks to dryer and begins to pull everything out to check if it's dry yet. 🤦🏼‍♀️ I say "son, do you actually want to die?! In a playful, yet exasperated tone. "Put the washing back in!" I get up and begin to make my way over there to put everything back in, as he's just standing there with an angry look. As I'm walking, he says, "SAY THAT AGAIN!!". I tell him not to talk to me like that, that I'm trying to help him. He is still stood stock still, fists clenched and butts me with his chest (like a 'come on then!' kind of thing) he's done that to me once before a very long time ago and he was distraught with himself for being so horrible to me. I'm shocked at his reactions to say the least as it was never that deep as I now realise he's being aggressive and this is ridiculous behaviour. I tell him to stop and to have some respect, I remind him I'm his mother and to never do that to me again because I won't tolerate it! He then loudly shouts that I'm a "BITCH!" in my face. So I quickly walk away from him. I'm literally gasping for words, as I'm so upset and shocked. I shout to him to pack a bag and get out, that I will not stand for violent abusive behaviour from a child of mine.
I text his dad to come and get him (were not together). I say to him, don't ask my why ATM, son will explain.
He goes upstairs packs some stuff and leaves, shouting a cheery "bye everyone!" as he goes. Once son has left, I text dad asking him to talk to son about domestic abuse and that I don't tolerate it, and that I am ashamed of son's actions.
An hour or so later my phone is flooded with voice notes and messages from his dad accusing me of saying "do you want to die??" And that son was right to react the way he did and me saying it was abusive and violent is just the sort of thing I would typically do.
Ex was extremely abusive when we were together. That's the reason I left him.
Since then he has been a great father. No signs of abuse with new partner and soin look up to him.
For the rest of the evening I'm told I'm cancerous and is why no one wants to be with me and I'm a pathetic excuse of a mother.
I remind him of the abuse he has done when together and that I should not have expected anything in the way of advice to son from such an abuser. He continues to flood my phone with how I deserved what I got when we were together and that son is better off with him as I'm a pathetic excuse.
I blocked him. I can't take anymore of his abuse. I have been sobbing all evening.
I know my son will be upset with his actions today.
I was hasty in calling his dad, I know that now. At the time I was frightened and wanted to show my son I wouldn't tolerate such abuse.
I'm still sobbing. I don't want my son turning out like his father. I shouldn't have sent him to him. I've sent him into the lions den.

This. He is 16. You leave him to it. He may come round, he may not, but what you don’t do is start emotionally engaging or basically begging. He will take that as weakness.

Well adjusted 16 year olds do not square up to their mothers. You know that. He is old enough to think this issue through and also stupid enough to listen to his self righteous father. But you won’t fix it and can’t.

@Maddy70

there are no buttons a woman can press that justify a boy or man being abusive to her. End of.
you need to check your internalised misogyny. OP was not at fault here, her son was, and now her ex-husband is, it’s the males in the wrong.

Think I'm going to leave this entire thread as there's too many people who are just being argumentative for the sake of it. As well as accusing anyone who disagrees with them of misogyny, which is frankly bizarre. As well as those who want OP to abandon their child, without doing anything to resolve the situation. Or involving the police - how would involving the police help that situation - what you want is that boy (yes boy, not adult - not the abusive ex) to be held responsible for all adult male behaviour - a useful receptacle to hold everything you hate about every man ever, and all in one place. Well if that wasn't a surprise. Scapegoating exists in abusive families too.

Let the OP decide what's best for her family - herself and her children, including that one.

The quoted poster as well as a few others suggest constructive solutions, not just hatred of the male. Would they be the same if the child was a daughter behaving that way? Is that not favouritism? (a noticeable behaviour in abusive/dysfunctional families). Again this is noted in abusive families - where one child is excused for all their behaviour (which includes abuse of siblings), and again where one child is scapegoated for all of the families ills. But of course what I'm saying is not to the OP, it's to many of the extreme people here. People who think that one behaviour, that is actually a reaction, should mean the death penalty (ever heard of reactive abuse?).

At 16 if he has a roof over his head I would be enjoying the peace. I totally agree with you. I’m sick of us women having to be the ones to make everything right, it’s not her fault her ex was abusive and it’s not her fault her 16 year old is aggressive. Wait until the lad and Dad square up to each other and he’s begging to come home. We’re not able to fix everything. We are human beings with our own feelings.

I'd imagine you see this in every situation - all males are evil 🙄 they are to blame regardless...

I agree with you ...look at my previous posts. There is no justification for him squaring up. But we do need to parent and help kids deal with anger issues and not reinforce them and give them a way they can climb down without escalating

This thread is quite scary. Victim blaming shit. Males need to be shown that no matter what is said, if they take a joke the wrong way, if they are frustrated at a bloody washing machine...no matter what... you do not physically abuse. It's really that simple.

I have 3 sons all taller than me now. When they square up to me I step forward and they back off. But they have never done it in aggression. It's always been jokey.

The dad is at fault here. There's no justification to call you a bitch and aggressively square up. People saying you made a death wish joke are victim blamers.

I had mil say something similar to me for historical physical child abuse to me from my mum. That I deserved it. Reverse roles and see if there's justification for shoving your teen and calling him a wanker.

I asked mil what my dd, her granddaughter could do to justify a kick in the head age 3. "That's different!" But it's not is it?

Our sons will have partners one day and it's our job to stop them turning into your ex.

You are 100% in the right here. Your only crime is hoping your ex could be a better man. He's just an abuser who's keeping a tighter lid on his potential to drop his mask.

Why have children if you abandon them at the earliest opportunity - to think that some parents don't believe that actually parenting involves teaching their children (not absolving themselves of all responsibility). JFC no wonder there's so many dysfunctional families with attitudes like this.

Human beings with our own feelings and yet so many have none for other people. Including suggesting parents abandon their children at the earliest opportunity.

What you said to your son was really weird…

Well, I have three sons and I've never had any of them square up to me, swear at me or pack a bag to leave home in anger. But then, none of them have a history of living in a home with domestic abuse, none of them have been primed for violence and I've never told any of them that they are going to die.

If they take a joke the wrong way? Interesting... How can a "joke" be taken the wrong way? If you have to say stuff like that, then perhaps it's not a joke. And then we take it further - is it ok to verbally/emotionally abused?

Did the boy abuse? No. So in one respect you're saying that abuse is ok, in another it's not. And you were talking about victim blaming. Maybe stop seeing children as threats, and treat them like children whilst instructing them on what is ok behaviour and what isn't.

It was a weird thing to say to him.

Is he used to both parents being verbally abusive?

So you think an abuser is a safe adult? Interesting.

@ZeroSpoons

so you DONT think it’s the fault of the males in OP’s situation?? You think it’s OP’s fault? Wow! Talk about victim blaming…

I think we just found ourselves a male poster.

I’m sure you felt very superior saying that 👍

@ZeroSpoons

he did abuse him mother - he assaulted her.

Because it was a daft joke. Even the daftest of kids would know that … not those brought up in an abusive household, with a violent abusive dad for a ‘role model’.

OP your words were very wrong. You sending your son to his abusive dad and expecting said abusive dad to teach his son not to be abusive is utterly ridiculous. I think you need help as a family - I hope you get it.

For those saying ‘do you want to die’ was a joke - it’s really not a phrase anyone would use in the context of wet clothes 😵‍💫

All those saying Op told him he was going to die and that this somehow justifies what he did (it’s doesn’t btw) urgh - are you always so literal??

at the end of the day, this is all the son and his fathers fault, OP is not to blame in any way, shape or form. Which I know is really hard for some of the internalised misogynists on here to accept…

Superior? I'd hope it was bog standard.

I'm suggesting the the op's son isn't going to see a joke that is masquerading as a threat because of his environment.

Thank you for your reply.
Your last paragraph is exactly how we are in my household. I run a chilled household. It's a very happy home and I'm proud of what I've achieved.

To other posters:

I left his dad when son was 3 or 4. During this time, what triggered me to finally leave was when my son at the time was mimicking some of his dad's behaviour. He also began to change personality from a loving gently boy to one who was the complete opposite.
That was enough for me and I left him.
My son reverted back to his former self within a week. I've never looked back.

Ex has never shown signs of abuse to the kids. Although, I do know he likes to continue to mock me at any given opportunity. It's like he resents me or something. But I never rise to it or react to it. I pretend it's water off a ducks back.
Their dad is jealous of what I have achieved, I know this. However, he will act supportive and place himself just on the edge of my awareness and pose as a caring considerate father, asking for me to use him to help.

It's clear from his reaction last night that he is still jealous and abusive and absolutely waiting for me to fall, and then kick me while I'm down.
He is a pure bonafide narcissist. He thinks he has the upper hand but he doesn't.

I have had a bit of a sleep.

I will wait for DC to contact me, as I know he will.
I will accept his apology and will explain why I do not condone aggressive threatening behaviour.
Whilst I have screenshots of his dad's messages from last night, I think showing them to DC will only act as playing off one parent against the other - and I'm not about that. He can see what his dad is like and if he wants to ask questions, I'll always answer them truthfully. But I am not playing a tit for tat game. I don't play games.

His dad will retreat back to the rock he came from. He will go quiet in fear of me exposing some of the things I captured from my screenshots. And ther he will quietly wait for anything to happen again, where he may be needed. And then he will pounce and tell me what a shit parent I am and how superior he is.
I actually never need to have contact with that man ever again, now that children are older and have phones of their own. So I will grey rock him.

My household will return to normal, the warm, energetic, happy household, although with son slightly remorseful for a few days.

Thank you for your replies. Some have helped.

Are you talking about using sarcasm as a "joke"? Nope it hasn't been mentioned (the fact that abusers and bullies use sarcasm all the time isn't missed on me).

A lot of things have, including taking that child to the police (even if the ex's behaviour for 16 years never was), abandoning the child, amongst others. Seems to be an unfair amount of wanting to hold that child responsible for anything any male has ever done (scapegoating). So many suggest that sarcasm is only for clever people and those who don't understand must be low iq or some other personal insult. Shedloads of cherry picking, and fundamentally very little empathy and/or understanding.

If anyone makes a suggestion/solution constructively, someone will try to suggest that they're victim blaming the OP, whilst not suggesting anything themselves. Frankly I find the whole thing triggering and bizarre. I believe there are many who are just arguing for the sake of it/trolling.

How does that work then, when you're telling OP to apologise to him after he's squared up to her and called her a bitch?

Glad that it's likely to be resolved in a good way 👍

Thanks for the explanation

Best of luck to OP & family in the future 🍀