To throw my 16 yr old son out after he squared up to me

[summerviews]

I have been busy all weekend sanding the staircase. My son brought two big bags of washing down and asked if they could be done. I said of course.
An hour or so had passed and I thought I'd ask him to put a wash on. He did this, no bother.
A couple of hours later I asked him to pop his washing into the dryer. Which he did.
Roll on this evening my eldest came home and wanted to get a wash on ready for work tomorrow. He put it on a quick wash. Once it's done, he goes to the dryer and realises stuff is in there and it's still wet! My 16 yr old son says he doesn't know why, and wants to take it out regardless. I explain that he should keep it in the dryer and let it dry properly or the clothes will stink if left damp or wet. He tells me I'm to blame as the dryer is my responsibility. I let this narky comment slide and calmly tell him to leave the washing in and turn it back on.
I know what's happened, he's put his washing in there earlier and not started it at the beginning of the cycle, so it's only done a half cycle, if that. But I say nothing (I pick my battles).
Literally less than five mins later 16 yr old walks to dryer and begins to pull everything out to check if it's dry yet. 🤦🏼‍♀️ I say "son, do you actually want to die?! In a playful, yet exasperated tone. "Put the washing back in!" I get up and begin to make my way over there to put everything back in, as he's just standing there with an angry look. As I'm walking, he says, "SAY THAT AGAIN!!". I tell him not to talk to me like that, that I'm trying to help him. He is still stood stock still, fists clenched and butts me with his chest (like a 'come on then!' kind of thing) he's done that to me once before a very long time ago and he was distraught with himself for being so horrible to me. I'm shocked at his reactions to say the least as it was never that deep as I now realise he's being aggressive and this is ridiculous behaviour. I tell him to stop and to have some respect, I remind him I'm his mother and to never do that to me again because I won't tolerate it! He then loudly shouts that I'm a "BITCH!" in my face. So I quickly walk away from him. I'm literally gasping for words, as I'm so upset and shocked. I shout to him to pack a bag and get out, that I will not stand for violent abusive behaviour from a child of mine.
I text his dad to come and get him (were not together). I say to him, don't ask my why ATM, son will explain.
He goes upstairs packs some stuff and leaves, shouting a cheery "bye everyone!" as he goes. Once son has left, I text dad asking him to talk to son about domestic abuse and that I don't tolerate it, and that I am ashamed of son's actions.
An hour or so later my phone is flooded with voice notes and messages from his dad accusing me of saying "do you want to die??" And that son was right to react the way he did and me saying it was abusive and violent is just the sort of thing I would typically do.
Ex was extremely abusive when we were together. That's the reason I left him.
Since then he has been a great father. No signs of abuse with new partner and soin look up to him.
For the rest of the evening I'm told I'm cancerous and is why no one wants to be with me and I'm a pathetic excuse of a mother.
I remind him of the abuse he has done when together and that I should not have expected anything in the way of advice to son from such an abuser. He continues to flood my phone with how I deserved what I got when we were together and that son is better off with him as I'm a pathetic excuse.
I blocked him. I can't take anymore of his abuse. I have been sobbing all evening.
I know my son will be upset with his actions today.
I was hasty in calling his dad, I know that now. At the time I was frightened and wanted to show my son I wouldn't tolerate such abuse.
I'm still sobbing. I don't want my son turning out like his father. I shouldn't have sent him to him. I've sent him into the lions den.

”you pushed his buttons”
”you made him feel stupid”
”of course he shouldn’t have squared up to you but…”
“your words and actions upset him”

This is victim blaming. Do better.

What isn’t ? A sixteen year old boy making deeply misogynistic comments and displaying an aggressive attitude to his mother ? No, it certainly isn’t. Neither is trying to excuse it and put the blame for it onto OP. This thread is MN victim blaming at it’s finest and utterly useless to OP.

I wouldn't blame you if you never had him back home. He's been trained by his father and he's a 16 year old strapping male who squared up to you.

I know exactly what that feels like as I had the same.

It's too late for you to save him from his father as other posters are suggesting.

It baffles me how much people expect of women, like we must be some kind of sainted, all-loving and all-giving to our children even when they are old enough (biologically) to be parents themselves and are actually abusing us! And try to make it our responsibility to redeem the child as well.

The intensity of the nuclear family or even worse, single parenthood, and male violence in children is sometimes very dangerous for women.

Not reading this entire bloody thread, but had the ADHD/ASD klaxon gone yet? We can’t be six pages in without it, surely.

Surely it’s obvious by putting “ wet clothes on”

From the op you can see there was no context for a threat like that. Also you doesn’t seem op is that kind of person either. Her post doesn’t read like she was aggressive.

Kindly do fuck off ...she is the adult here ..he is a 16 year old child , she has to take responsibility for her part in this. I am in no way justifying him squaring up to her ...

To a child who also experienced abuse, she says the ex was extremely abusive and however many times it is say the children don’t see it. They see it.

If this was out of character the likelihood is that that kind of comment triggered him. It very much could be the kind of low level abusive words his Dad said and he couldn’t react then he can now.

But that isn’t the issue now is it - she has sent him away to his Dad and that is what needs to be sorted and I suspect not that easily because actually she was the one who basically said a man needs to deal with the situation which in a way is a reinforcement of the misogyny

he needs counselling at least and probably has for awhile

“She has to take responsibility”. There you just justified it again.

This was exactly my take on it. Had this been a partner or husband the unanimous advice would have been have been LTB.

Agreed. He is also a 16 yo child who was brought up with an extremely abusive father. And his mum immediately threw him out to be with him.

He did understand the joke - not as a threat, but as an insult. That doesn't mean his physically aggressive behaviour or language towards his mum is excusable. Unfortunately at 16 he's not taking the time to figure out an appropriate response to a jokey insult - and he needs help with that. Preferably from his mum or a councellor, not his inadaquate aggressive dad.

Your comment was obviously a joke.
His behaviour from get go was bad.
And the fact he went straight to being so aggressive so quickly shows it is in him and something he is ok with doing.
Its not normal behaviour. I think his dad or something has rubbed off on him a lot more then you realise.
Does he have a hatred of women?
Dont back down . He has obviously twisted it to suit his narrative to his dad.
And given he is also abusive they will justify poor behaviour to themselves.
I would not have him back home. He needs to understand he cant treat people like that.
I would be worried about how he treats future girlfriends

I’m sad to see so many people on here saying he is hormonal, it’s his age ect, it’s absolutely not normal to confront his mother, push his chest into hers and call her a bitch. I would have done exactly what his mom did. He needs to learn this not an acceptable response to a joke. Even if you don’t agree with the original comment from this mom we have all used jokey comments which don’t always go down well. Do we deserve violence and bad language? Too many parents on here blaming the mom for her son’s violence. The only mistake was calling his abusive father who is obviously still abusive to the OP. I would not have her son back until there has been a real change and an apology. Violent boys turn into violent men when they are allowed to continue with their behaviour. At 16 her son knows the difference between right and wrong. I’m sorry OP I hope you can turn your son into a better adult I would suggest therapy for you both.

Yes, you are. The minute you said the word ‘but’ you were excusing it. At 16 and with an aggressive attitude and clearly poor control over his temper, he is no less of a threat to OP than a fully grown male. He’s displaying an aggressive and misogynistic attitude towards women, and you think that’s OP’s fault ?

And as has been pointed out, at sixteen that physically aggressive attitude is no less of a threat to OP than from a fully grown male. She was right to get him out of the house, it’s just unfortunate that the only other adult involved is his dad.

Surely throwing him out to the only place she could - his father - was the right thing to do be they deserve each other.

OP can't control this, it's too late. The son is like his dad and should remain with him.

Some of the responses here....

Your son was 101% out of line. I hope for both your sakes you can find a way forward beyond kicking him out (a way forward which involves him apologising and working through whatever triggered this), but his actions were completely unacceptable. But Mumsnet is incredibly odd about this - if an OH even breathes the wrong way its instant LTB, but if your male offspring kicks off everyone wants to know what you did to trigger the poor innocent child, even if said poor little child is a hulking 16yo. Meanwhile back in the real world a 16yo who squares up to people over stupid comments is going to get the shit kicked out of him some day soon.

The comment you made depends on your family culture, for want of a better word. My household has teen and preteen boys and we all do a lot of banter back and forth, lines of dialogue from films, weird in jokes etc. Its all quite silly and obviously theatrical, but I suspect some people might be shocked by it!

So she just gives up on him?!?

I'm so sorry you've had to go through this.
I'm sure you're already aware it was a poor choice of words on your behalf but that obviously never excuses any form of abuse in retaliation.
What's he going to say next, 'you made me hit you' ?!?! That's straight of the abusers handbook isn't it ffs......

I agree that the father is not a healthy influence on your son and will only fuel the fire. By sticking up for him he is condoning the violence, minimising the incident and deflecting the blame.

Do not let this man (yes he is no longer a child) back in your house ever again until he has sought some form of therapy to address this violent streak that is clearly rumbling beneath the surface ready to explode.

Good point made above - that he viewed what she said as an INSULT, not a threat. This wasn't "my mum is going to kill me, must react in self-defence" - it was ego/"disrespect" "hard-man" stuff.

This thread is fucking horrendous. Some of you victim blaming trash bags should be utterly ashamed of yourselves.

A sixteen year old child who made a deeply misogynistic comment, called OP a bitch and then squared up to and chest bumped her with clenched fists - and he’s done it before. He’s no less a threat to OP than a fully grown aggressive male partner would be. And in that circumstance the advice here would have been to throw him out. What would you have had OP do ? They clearly still have contact with their father or sending him there wouldn’t have been an option. It’s not ideal, but then neither is the alternative.

At what age do you expect boys to start taking responsibility for their agressive, misogynistic behaviour? Does it happen by magic when they hit 18?

When OP inevitably posts here in the future to say he’s physically assaulted her, the same posters will tell her she made him do it. Because that’s what they’re saying now.

Ok fine well she chucked him out and he likely wont come back.

Good job.