To let DD14 drink at home

[Elizvicky]

So lately DD has started to want to go further afield and there have been occasions she has drunk alcohol. She doesn't get drunk drunk bjt I worry about her being out and doing it. Her friends seem to want to go further snd further. Well tonight I felt uneasy about it a few things have happened and I worry about other people.
DD tends to be really honest and said her and her mates were planning to have a drink hence not wanting to stay home.
we agreeed her and her 3 friends could come here listen to music chill in the garden and have 2 glasses of low alcohol lambrini in the garden on the basis all parents knew. This is now happening and they are being great and I asked them to mix with lemonade too bjt can't help but think of done something wrong.

I was 13 and drinking cider and 20/20 and always in trouble being sick or In a vulnerable situation so I'm trying to avoid that whilst allowing a little teenage rebellion. As far as I can see it's legal I just worry I'm gonna have social services turn up now! My neighbour is also an arse so I'm worried he will report!

We had a sensible approach and neither of my daughters are alcoholics and seldom now drink. We allowed them to try alcohol, most of which does not taste nice and explain the effects. They saw the effects of drink on people in various films and videos and were encouraged to drink sensibly and understand ABV..

There are lots of children drinking and taking drugs from 8 years onwards that parents have No knowledge of because there is no discussion other than a blanket ban at home.

I would rather introduce alcohol in a sensible manner than have teenagers go amok when they think they can.

I am sure we all went over the top when we first starting going to parties as teenagers who had no way to gauge what was sensible because it was never discussed.

I think people are confusing a few things. Firstly, children /teens have different personalities.

It's completely normal that SOME teenagers are risk takers and are interested in experimenting with alcohol and drugs and alterted states of consciousness. This is literally part of human history and development. The dizzy feeling, the strange impact of alcohol - knowing you are doing something slightly different/fun/naughty.

I think parents who have very 'compliant/ obedient' children are not acknowledging that SOME teenagers will take these risks where they can.

If they are having a small amount of alochol under parental supervision and this is DIRECTLY stopping them going out into a field/ high street/ graveyard and doing it there with no supervision then it is a positive exchange.

We cannot all parent in ideal situations - and we have to be realistic about what being a teenager involves. It involves for MANY teens, pulling away from parental guidance.

It's also NORMAL for teenagers to make poor decisions, take risks, behave with little regard for long term consquences - this is part of growing up.

Just saying - no, don't do it - has not worked for teenagers ever! It might work on a few obedient ones but for many it won't work.

When I was 15 - which was a long time ago - me and my friends began experimenting with drugs - we had been drinking from earlier maybe 13/14.

Not all of the teens I knew or went to school with wanted to do this - some were even at that young age just avoidant of that type of risk.

but i enjoyed it - as did my friends. we went on from acid, speed to party drugs like ecstacy - it was very common whatever people here might say - as drug taking is still I'm sure among teenagers - I no longer do that - I stopped in my 20s - but it was a really integral part of my teen years.

Absolutely nothing any parent or adult could have done would have stopped me experimenting but I do think that adults giving me REALISTIC and honest advice around drink and drugs would have helped and been useful.

A blanket 'don't do it ever' is just really poor and lazy advice for the sort of teenagers who want to take risks (again, not all teens, but a large number)

Is that how your dad justified it to you? I guess he thought it sounded better than saying he was breaking the law and risking his licence and family livelihood by making money out of selling a harmful drug to kids.

Agree. There’s other things such as sports at the op’s dc age.

I think some people cannot fathom that there are teenagers who if they are told no, they don’t do it. I was like that. My kids were pretty biddable and did not drink till they were late 16/17 I think. They didn’t really want to either. Here you are told you are in denial and your kids are sneaking off behind your back. But I’m very close with my kids and I know they did not drink at 14, 15 or 16. It happens.

Pretty much every single one of the under age kids in there was a child of an existing customer, and they had given permission for them to be there and drinking. My dad wasn’t talking to me, I overheard him discussing it with another customer one time, when they asked if that was X’s son. As a group they were then discussing the pros and cons, but given a 15 year old girl in our town was found raped and murdered in a field around the same time, I think all their parents felt they were safer under the watchful eye of my parents. You have to remember as well that the 80’s/90’s were a very different time to now in terms of acceptability - most of the local police would turn a blind eye themselves because they knew there was never any trouble in the pub. The odd 17 year old enjoying a pint of lager with their 18 year old friends wasn’t even remotely on their radar. To be clear, he absolutely would never have served someone younger than 16. I don’t even really remember any that young in there, it was mostly the 6th formers in with the ones who already turned 18.

I would always rather see an underage person drinking sensibly inside a home or pub than be blackout drunk on a park, choking on their own vomit, being sexually assaulted, etc. Because that’s what happens to the kids who had the super strict parents. My friend at school, in year 8, was coming in hungover so badly our English teacher was making her a coffee each morning. And it wasn’t just alcohol for her. Sadly though, she was drinking down the park etc and had a lot of crappy experiences.

Yes, this was also my niece. Not an alcoholic but had serious health problems at a very young age due to drinking. Parents allowed drinking from an early age so it was normalised.

I was allowed a drink occasionally for 14, do was my brother, with family. Then if we did want to go to a house party my parents would buy me alcohol as a way of.policing what I was drinking and how much.
Before that we were allowed to put our finger in an alcoholic drink, mainly.because it was disgusting.
My parents rarely drank at home, but there was alcohol in the house.
Both me and my brother rarely drink now. We were educated on our limits, safety, and making good choices.
My friends were never allowed alcohol ny their parents. They all bought with fake IDs, were in very dangerous situations, hospitalised, then went to uni at 18 and went even more mad in clubs. They all have kids older than me and have actually been more like my parents than their own, they didn't feel like they were ever prepared or educated, just left to their own devices to figure it out and it didn't go.well.
I think alcohol is part of society, whether we like it or not. We need to teach teens about it, and OP is trying their best to do it in a safe environment. I would rather have an open and honest conversation with my 14 year old and reach a compromise, than them sneaking around and being in a compromising situation.
I wouldn't make it a regular thing.

I think this is ok but you run the risk of upsetting other parents and need to be mindful of this. My dd was allowed spirit and a mixer at a friend’s at this age and I felt a bit put out that the parents hadn’t spoken to us about it. The thing is, they’re going to get it anyway and I’m shocked about the number of people who are so surprised that 14 year olds are drinking. I wouldn’t provide alcohol to others kids without checking with parents first. As you can see, people have very strong feelings about it for a range of reasons and depending on their own personal experiences. You need to respect this.

So by the same measure,
will you be getting in a bit of weed for them too, just to make sure they will never try hard drugs?

drinking at home is legal, drugs are not

I think it is vital that parental permission is sought first. When my DD was 15-16 and went to girls’ houses for a get together/ sleepover, other
mums would ask in the group chat if it was ok for the girls going to have say 1 fruit cider or a glass of Prosecco. I think after that, by 17, it was kind of assumed there would be alcohol. Girls’
independent school. I would say most girls drank from 16 if not 15. (A few at 14!)

I think your on dangerous ground tbh giving other children alcohol at your home isn't right for a start. And quite frankly if you can't say no your not going out till you learn to be responsible then you need to be working on better parenting rules etc