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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To let DD14 drink at home

189 replies

Elizvicky · 03/08/2025 20:34

So lately DD has started to want to go further afield and there have been occasions she has drunk alcohol. She doesn't get drunk drunk bjt I worry about her being out and doing it. Her friends seem to want to go further snd further. Well tonight I felt uneasy about it a few things have happened and I worry about other people.
DD tends to be really honest and said her and her mates were planning to have a drink hence not wanting to stay home.
we agreeed her and her 3 friends could come here listen to music chill in the garden and have 2 glasses of low alcohol lambrini in the garden on the basis all parents knew. This is now happening and they are being great and I asked them to mix with lemonade too bjt can't help but think of done something wrong.

I was 13 and drinking cider and 20/20 and always in trouble being sick or In a vulnerable situation so I'm trying to avoid that whilst allowing a little teenage rebellion. As far as I can see it's legal I just worry I'm gonna have social services turn up now! My neighbour is also an arse so I'm worried he will report!

OP posts:
Original poster
Elizvicky · 03/08/2025 21:29

lottiestars76 · 03/08/2025 21:19

When I was 14/15 I would hang out every Saturday at the local place at our town centre ( think field with buildings etc around it, very central) 100-200 people from the ages of what I was to 18-19 would hang out there and we would get the older people to buy us alcohol. Vodka usually like the cheapest you could get. I would lie to my parents and say I was at a sleepover and we would all drink tonnes, go to a party somewhere else , sleep there then go home. The amount of times an ambulance etc came to that place we hung out because a child basically had drank too much and needed their stomach pumping was ridiculous. I often got into really dangerous and scary situations and would be out walking the streets back from a party at the age of 15 at 4 in the morning, my parents thinking I was at a friends house, and was so vulnerable. If it’s that OR the option you are giving I’d take your alternative every time. Obviously the most preferred choice is that they don’t do it at all but that’s not realistic, so I think in this case if she’s still being honest and open I’d keep that communication flowing and I’d allow this. It’s not the best case outcome and obviously no alcohol would be preferred but if she’s already told you she would drink elsewhere, unless you want to keep her in the house indefinitely not seeing anyone, she will do that. So the alternative to ensure she isn’t vulnerable and is safe is to keep it under your roof.

exactly this. At the same time I'm trying to introduce other stuff that might be more exciting for her!

OP posts:
mindutopia · 03/08/2025 21:30

Christ, no absolutely not. I truly cannot imagine any parents being okay with their 14 year old drinking. My 12 year old went to a sleepover at a friend’s recently and the friend offered her a cider (dd told us about it, said she had a sip, thought it was disgusting and didn’t drink anymore). It turns out the friend regularly drinks at home alone in her room. At 12! Dd is no longer allowed over at her house.

At that age, the well behaved non-problematic kids aren’t drinking. If you encourage your dd to become one of those kids who is drinking and doing whatever, it’s going to limit her social circle to only those other children who are drinking and carrying on. Let her be a kid. She has years to drink and do dumb stuff. She should be able to hang out with her friends and have fun without messing about with substances.

Justtryingthis · 03/08/2025 21:31

Mischance · 03/08/2025 21:24

In France children are drinking watered down wine from younger than this.

No. They actually are not. Not from my experience of having a French family. It’s an absolute myth.
Yes, maybe 20/30/40 years ago pregnant women were ‘allowed’ to drink 2/3 glasses of wine be a day. Children MAY have had watered down wine at 12/13 on special occasions.
This is absolutely not the case now. They have come onto line with the rest of Europe and the old ways of drinking are not widespread.
Because both of those things involve alcohol and minors and it’s just not right.

Original poster
Elizvicky · 03/08/2025 21:31

Coconutter24 · 03/08/2025 21:24

You’ve mentioned the law, what about her health?

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I'm trying to manage that by making it low alcohol with a limit on rather than free for all outside the house!

OP posts:
Original poster
Elizvicky · 03/08/2025 21:34

mindutopia · 03/08/2025 21:30

Christ, no absolutely not. I truly cannot imagine any parents being okay with their 14 year old drinking. My 12 year old went to a sleepover at a friend’s recently and the friend offered her a cider (dd told us about it, said she had a sip, thought it was disgusting and didn’t drink anymore). It turns out the friend regularly drinks at home alone in her room. At 12! Dd is no longer allowed over at her house.

At that age, the well behaved non-problematic kids aren’t drinking. If you encourage your dd to become one of those kids who is drinking and doing whatever, it’s going to limit her social circle to only those other children who are drinking and carrying on. Let her be a kid. She has years to drink and do dumb stuff. She should be able to hang out with her friends and have fun without messing about with substances.

Yes I do know what you mean and I agree with a lot of this -

OP posts:
Wolfpa · 03/08/2025 21:35

if you don’t water the Lambrini down the taste will put her off alcohol for life.

I think you are doing the sensible thing, teaching people how to handle things responsibly is always better than outright banning things

millymollymoomoo · 03/08/2025 21:36

Teens are going to drink
all the pearl clutching in the world isn’t going to stop it
what it will do is cause them to try to hide it, sneak it out and generally not be honest

i let my 14 yo have something at home - not every Friday but on ocassion - something pretty low alcohol

better to encourage responsible drinking and open honest relationship than pretend it doesn’t happen

Mischance · 03/08/2025 21:40

I am teetotal.

But we live in a drinking world, and somehow we need to help our young people manage this in a safe way.

If alcohol becomes a big rebellion thing to do then they will do it all the more out of your sight. If they see you using alcohol in a responsible way they will learn from that example. This might include allowing them some watered down alcohol at home where they are safe, for example wine with dinner in very small quantities. They will get a feel for how they respond to it with you around; they will learn that wine with food is a good way to enjoy it.

Our DDs, all now adults, were allowed these at home but lost interest pretty quickly as they did not like the taste much, and they saw me not drinking. But we took care to make sure that drinking was not seen as the grown up thing to do and thus a major temptation. The forbidden is like a magnet!

There is nothing you can do to stop her getting alcohol when she is out, but if it has not become a big aim in her mind then she will be more responsible.

Mind you, reading the posts on here from people who seem to think getting "wasted" is fine, I slightly despair.

lottiestars76 · 03/08/2025 21:41

Elizvicky · 03/08/2025 21:29

exactly this. At the same time I'm trying to introduce other stuff that might be more exciting for her!

Show quote history

Yeah. It’s hard, and my eldest is nearly 11 so I know I have all this to come. But I think, especially with young girls, the dangers they might face if they are out there underage, tempted by friends to have some drinks and are around older people who may take advantage, I just would do anything I could to minimise that risk. I think keeping them in indefinitely until a certain age, while may stop the drinking during that time, will really damage a relationship between you both, and could mean once old enough she then rebels and does it more then. Who knows? It’s really easy I think for people to say ‘ nope do not do this it’s so bad, keep them in at all costs! ’. But they are really underestimating the lengths teenagers would go to,to fit in and join in. I would go to such lengths to lie to my parents so I could go out and drink with my mates. I would write fake phone numbers, have other older friends pretend to be parents, I’ve planned fake school trips which was just a massive day we all went and got drunk, all because I knew they wouldn’t allow it at all and I was drawn in by my friends and the older influences around me and wanted to do it. Nothing at that age would have changed my mind. Now, looking back ofcourse it’s so disturbing and I’d do anything to go back and tell my younger self no. But , that’s life. And I can only learn from that. And if I was in your position where my daughter was actually communicating and being honest I’d listen and try and maintain that as best I could. I’d explain the dangers and try and get her not to do it at all, but I’m not naive, they will find a way. And if i can make it a safer environment I’d be happy knowing I did that. I understand your worry and your concern regarding if you have done the right thing, and I think that’s because the natural right thing is to say no completely , but you are also recognising that she’s openly admitted she would have done it anyway. So you have atleast been able to provide a safe environment for them to do this, whether you agree fully or not.

user1476613140 · 03/08/2025 21:43

Please consider mocktails if you must. Let their livers develop and grow without extra stress of alcohol.

Coconutter24 · 03/08/2025 21:44

Elizvicky · 03/08/2025 21:31

I'm trying to manage that by making it low alcohol with a limit on rather than free for all outside the house!

Show quote history

No amount even low is good for a developing child.

Justtryingthis · 03/08/2025 21:45

Or.. here’s a thought, how about you just do some parenting and say ‘No, you are underage and at 14 you are not drinking alcohol. And you won’t be sneaking out to do so as again, you are 14. And if you do, there will be consequences.’
And if she can’t stop her sneaking out, then she’s got bigger issues than a glass of Lambrini.
Where does it stop? Teenagers need a line drawn in the sand or they will just push and push those boundaries.
And yes, I’m fully aware of how teenagers operate. And neither of mine were drinking Lambrini n the garden at 14.

babyproblems · 03/08/2025 21:45

I wouldn’t do this.. I wouldn’t be letting her out if there’s drinking involved either. I think it’s showing her that drinking is normal and ok.. in some contexts it is; but not at 14. I think too much too young.

I thought young kids these days were into skincare and matcha!! And vapes. Which I wouldn’t be encouraging either. Does she know alcohol is an addictive toxin and that it is damaging etc and very damaging for some people… I don’t want to accuse you of anything op but I did wonder how much you drink and how ‘normal’ it is in your home etc.
I appreciate everyone has different bars and family culture around alcohol is different for everyone.

Laura95167 · 03/08/2025 21:46

You can legally drink from age 5 in the home. When I was young I had buzz fizz and a dash of baileys in my hot chocolate at Christmas from a young age. And if I asked to try wine or beer my parents let me.

And honestly when my mates got excited by alcohol I wasnt bothered. I liked the taste of pop better.

I think drinking at home (not to levels of getting drunk) with supervision as though its not a big deal helps generate a healthier relationship with alcohol.

If you think its ok, all the parents gave informed consent I dont think you need MN agreement.

MixedBananas · 03/08/2025 21:47

Someone better call S/S what kinda of parenting is this? And people wonder why kids end up lunatics......

Original poster
Elizvicky · 03/08/2025 21:49

lottiestars76 · 03/08/2025 21:41

Yeah. It’s hard, and my eldest is nearly 11 so I know I have all this to come. But I think, especially with young girls, the dangers they might face if they are out there underage, tempted by friends to have some drinks and are around older people who may take advantage, I just would do anything I could to minimise that risk. I think keeping them in indefinitely until a certain age, while may stop the drinking during that time, will really damage a relationship between you both, and could mean once old enough she then rebels and does it more then. Who knows? It’s really easy I think for people to say ‘ nope do not do this it’s so bad, keep them in at all costs! ’. But they are really underestimating the lengths teenagers would go to,to fit in and join in. I would go to such lengths to lie to my parents so I could go out and drink with my mates. I would write fake phone numbers, have other older friends pretend to be parents, I’ve planned fake school trips which was just a massive day we all went and got drunk, all because I knew they wouldn’t allow it at all and I was drawn in by my friends and the older influences around me and wanted to do it. Nothing at that age would have changed my mind. Now, looking back ofcourse it’s so disturbing and I’d do anything to go back and tell my younger self no. But , that’s life. And I can only learn from that. And if I was in your position where my daughter was actually communicating and being honest I’d listen and try and maintain that as best I could. I’d explain the dangers and try and get her not to do it at all, but I’m not naive, they will find a way. And if i can make it a safer environment I’d be happy knowing I did that. I understand your worry and your concern regarding if you have done the right thing, and I think that’s because the natural right thing is to say no completely , but you are also recognising that she’s openly admitted she would have done it anyway. So you have atleast been able to provide a safe environment for them to do this, whether you agree fully or not.

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Thanks this is exactly it. I did the same I would nick whisky and all sorts and was seriously unwell a number of times, I'd avoid going back and sleep out and then find worse people.

OP posts:
mumofsixfluffs · 03/08/2025 21:52

I go against what everyone else seems to say. I’ve let my kids have the odd glug of my wine etc from a young age. My theory being alcohol is then not this mysterious thing they desperately want to try at 18 and get so hammered it’s an issue. My kids progressed to having the odd drink of their own from mid teens and are now responsible adults when it comes to drinking

i took away that urge to drink heavily the moment it was legal

ChampagneLassie · 03/08/2025 21:53

My parents took the 0 tolerance route and I was drinking from 13 in sometimes very grim circumstances. I’d rather my children don’t drink at all, but I think your approach is a good compromise. In our family some let their teens drink socially it doesn’t sit easily with me and I do wonder whether normalising just leads to more drinking more quickly. But I certainly think that approach and yours sounds safer that what I got up to.

user1476613140 · 03/08/2025 21:53

Elizvicky · 03/08/2025 21:02

She's already told
me what loads of them do, not her of course, but she says they screenshot ID they have and just edit the date of birth.

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Very popular way for them to doctor the ID. Many do it. My eldest pulled this stunt before turning 18 (aged 16 roughly). I wasn't happy but I also remember getting into nightclubs years ago aged 17 and being served alcohol at the bar without being challenged so I cannot cast judgement.

Ohthatsmeback · 03/08/2025 21:53

Unbelievable .

She is 14. She is a child. You are her parent.

You are normalising alcohol consumption for children.

This isn't about teaching responsible drinking. Its's teaching children that enjoying themselves involves drinking.

There aren't 2 options. There are 3.
The third is actually parenting your child.

Original poster
Elizvicky · 03/08/2025 22:02

ChampagneLassie · 03/08/2025 21:53

My parents took the 0 tolerance route and I was drinking from 13 in sometimes very grim circumstances. I’d rather my children don’t drink at all, but I think your approach is a good compromise. In our family some let their teens drink socially it doesn’t sit easily with me and I do wonder whether normalising just leads to more drinking more quickly. But I certainly think that approach and yours sounds safer that what I got up to.

It's so tough I definately wouldn't let her just drink but I do accept that she will.

I was the same and for some reason I thought alcohol was great. I also turned into a a grade liar and my mum never suspected a thing. I spent so much time on the streets I turned to taking speed and pills too which scares the heck out of me and what I'm trying to avoid. Some on here have mentioned sniffing glue and heroin - those things happen when children atw left to their own devices and when kids learn to lie to their parents and have access to people who do it.

OP posts:
Corfumanchu · 03/08/2025 22:03

I am baffled as towht so many parents think that drinking watered down lambrinis at home, and necking vodka in the park or at a party, are mutually exclusive.

Hankunamatata · 03/08/2025 22:04

Sounds sensible and encourage food too.

Original poster
Elizvicky · 03/08/2025 22:05

Corfumanchu · 03/08/2025 22:03

I am baffled as towht so many parents think that drinking watered down lambrinis at home, and necking vodka in the park or at a party, are mutually exclusive.

And how I need to parent. Trust me be a lot easier to just pretend I think my daughter isn't drinking anything at all and not do anything about it other than 'don't drink alcohol'

OP posts: